Been Back Together For Awhile, Now Major Issues

[JustSayTheWord]

So my ex came back to me after a year. We got back together, though our relationship has been mostly sexual, we have a codependent type of relationship where he has a lot of serious psychological issues and he always turns to me when he needs help. He came back to me one day out of the blue when a year had passed and we started getting intimate and connected all over again. He had two relationships in between, both which ended very badly, and that made me feel like the fallback girl, he had dumped me and then came back to me when the other relationships didn't work out. So things had been going really well at first and the thing is, he has a lot of very serious psychological issues and that's what affected things last time and now again once we'd been back for awhile he started pulling away and then said that what we have is casual and basically said it's just sexual and there is no commitment. He had come back to me when he was going through a very difficult time, just like in our first relationship and I had been the one to rescue and heal him and I feel like he always turn to me and back to our relationship whenever he's going through major serious issues and kind of uses me for sex as well as emotional comfort and various other favors. I love him so much and I know he cares about me a lot.

 

After a confrontation where he said there wasn't any commitment, I decided to stay with him and then start dating other guys as well. So it's weird, I still have him but I'm also going out with other guys while with him. It's like, I have the man I love back, and I'm with him, but he kind of treats me like his fallback girl, our relationship is mostly sex, there isn't any commitment and I have a lot of hurt about the relationships that happened in between our relationship, I keep wondering if I'm a rebound even though I was there first. So now I'm torn He says we can have this arrangement as long as I want and I don't think he wants to end it, but he doesn't want to commit either. He kind of wants me casually indefinitely and now that I'm seeing other guys as well as him in order to feel better about what's going on, whenever I'm with the other guys, I now I prefer my guy over them and I'm seeing other guys as well as him because now he's pulled away so much I never know what's going on and when I'm going to see him. I know his psychological issues may be a factor in why he's pulling away and I feel so torn as I got the man I love back, and I know he cares for me and likes being intimate with me and we have this strong codependent pull toward each other but he doesn't want the same things I want. And when I'm seeing other guys as well as him, it helps, but the connection I have with him is so strong, so it feels kind of strange.

 

So yeah, sometimes you do get the person you love back but it feels like the relationship is so uneven, I value it so much more than he does and I know he's scared of getting close, but I guess I kind of needed a place to vent. Should I stay with him and continue seeing other guys in hopes that will either get him to commit more or one of these other guys will allow me to see I can be treated better or end things with him so I could be with someone else who appreciated me more? Now I'm in this limbo situation where I feel so many confusing emotions. I know he wanted this casual/open relationship and I want something more serious but I'm doing what I need to do in order to figure out what I need, it's just quite complicated sometimes when you get back the guy you love, but a lot of the hurt and pain comes back and you feel betrayed almost, it kind of allows me to really see that I always wanted this more than him and I feel like is being with someone you love in a casual relationship really healthy longterm? I feel like I'm so torn about this. I'm sorry I didn't give more details, I just didn't want to reveal personal information, but I was wondering if anyone else has been through this, got back together with ex who they loved, but it became a casual sexual relationship, and you know when you are intimate and together it means something different to him than it does to you? It's also complicated because it had been a year in between the relationships and it feels somewhat like he's a different person and our connection feels different.

 

Was wondering if anyone else had been through this as well, getting back with your ex into a casual sexual relationship without commitment and how it affected you emotionally?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately continuing this nebulous relationship with him is preventing you form moving on and fully being able to experience a healthy relationship with someone else.

 

Most importantly is what do you want for your life, just indefinite hanging out "being there for him"?

He kind of wants me casually indefinitely and now that I'm seeing other guys as well as him in order to feel better about what's going on, whenever I'm with the other guys, I now I prefer my guy over them and I'm seeing other guys as well as him because now he's pulled away so much I never know what's going on and when I'm going to see him.

[nutbrownhare]

Please, please have a look at this website; it may spell out a lot of things for you

[JustSayTheWord]

Yep I'm an avid reader of that site for years, I've been through many relationships similar to this, this one is much more codependent though than the others, it is an amazing site, the articles are incredible. Even though I've been through several like this, every time I always get so wrapped into the connection when you've been through a lot of intense experiences together and because of his issues we've shared some very intense experiences, I'm not going to go into details because it's very private and I can't really post it on a public forum, but sometimes when you've been through a lot of intense experiences, even if you aren't being treated well, you feel a strong pull together.

[ThatwasThen]

I love him so much and I know he cares about me a lot.

What you have with him and he with you is not love. It is codependent addiction to one another and you're not doing the men you date any favors by being addicted to another man unless of course you're telling them you just want a good time but nothing serious (because you are no where near being able to commit to anyone as long as your addicted to your drug of choice known as psychologically damaged sex partner.) You are in a emotionally draining unreciprocated addiction. You're no where near being able to go cold turkey, zero contact withdrawl from him so I'm going to have to say what I say many times... get therapy to help you with your self-worth, your personal boundaries, your codependency and your withdrawl from him.

 

You are wasting valuable dating years and opportunities to find good men that are healthy in mind and spirit by continuing to be sexual with this guy.

 

Would you want your daughter (if you had one) to suffer like you are for a man? I'm sure you would not so why are you thinking so little of yourself to do this to you?

[JustSayTheWord]

He's been in jail, in mental hospitals, had psychotic breaks, been homeless and whenever he comes to me during those vulnerable moments it feels very connected. Though most of our relationship is us having sex and sleeping together and him turning to me during his times of needs and it makes me feel connected to him, it's a type of connection where he's going through something and comes over to my place, turns to me for sex/comfort, spends the night and I feel important and needed but it seems more like he's very attracted to me and needs me and likes being intimate with me, but he doesn't want something serious outside of the sex/intimacy/emotional comfort/favors. For me, I feel like since I've been with him while he's at his most vulnerable, it always feels like a strong connection, but I often feel like it may be because I'm the only one who will take him back and not give up on him and that makes me feel special, hes also incredibly handsome and charming and we have a lot of chemistry and being able to be needed like that draws me in.

[ThatwasThen]

He's been in jail, in mental hospitals, had psychotic breaks, been homeless and whenever he comes to me during those vulnerable moments it feels very connected. Though most of our relationship is us having sex and sleeping together and him turning to me during his times of needs and it makes me feel connected to him, it's a type of connection where he's going through something and comes over to my place, turns to me for sex/comfort, spends the night and I feel important and needed but it seems more like he's very attracted to me and needs me and likes being intimate with me, but he doesn't want something serious outside of the sex/intimacy/emotional comfort/favors. For me, I feel like since I've been with him while he's at his most vulnerable, it always feels like a strong connection, but I often feel like it may be because I'm the only one who will take him back and not give up on him and that makes me feel special, hes also incredibly handsome and charming and we have a lot of chemistry and being able to be needed like that draws me in.

 

Since you simply just repeated everything you've already said ^^ there, I'll just repeat everything *I* said back to you.

What you have with him and he with you is not love. It is codependent addiction to one another and you're not doing the men you date any favors by being addicted to another man unless of course you're telling them you just want a good time but nothing serious (because you are no where near being able to commit to anyone as long as your addicted to your drug of choice known as psychologically damaged sex partner.) You are in a emotionally draining unreciprocated addiction. You're no where near being able to go cold turkey, zero contact withdrawl from him so I'm going to have to say what I say many times... get therapy to help you with your self-worth, your personal boundaries, your codependency and your withdrawl from him.

 

You are wasting valuable dating years and opportunities to find good men that are healthy in mind and spirit by continuing to be sexual with this guy.

 

Would you want your daughter (if you had one) to suffer like you are for a man? I'm sure you would not so why are you thinking so little of yourself to do this to you?

 

If you are in to the point that you only have that same broken record going around in your head about having such a great connection which is actually dysfunctional codependency, then train your brain to be okay with what little he gives you. If you can't do that then think about seeking out some mental health services in your area and speak to someone about this.

[SmileyFace123]

Ok your problem isn't as dramatic as everyone is making out to be. Essentially you have strong feelings for a guy and would like to be in a loving and committed relationship. He however is more interested in having the "benefits" of the relationshi

[SmileyFace123]

Your problem isn't as dramatic as everyone makes it seems. Essentially you have strong feelings for a guy and would like a committed and loving relationship. He, however, is enjoying the benefits of being with you, emotional support and sex, without having to invest himself. Geez as if I hadn't heard that story a million times.

 

To make yourself feel better about the whole situation, you seek attention and validation from other guys. Let's be real here, you aren't going to end up with any of those men at the moment, when your heart is with someone else. These guys are just there to make you feel better about yourself.

 

I think the important thing to remember here, is that YOU are WORTH A LOT. Whether it is with this guy or someone else, you deserve someone who wants to be with you. you need to love yourself and find confidence not through men but within yourself. If you struggle with this it may help to talk to a professional as well as take on activities that will boost your self worth. Remember that you deserve a guy who knows he is lucky to have you. If you don't believe this yourself, than your partner won't believe it either.

 

As far as this guy whether you stay with him or not is your choice. I won't say you should or shouldn't move on, Bc that's your choice.

 

But essentially you are giving a lot and not getting what you want in return. Im sure your nervous that if you stop, he will leave. However, my question is what incentive does he have to fully commit, if he can have you for "free?" I think you have to put your foot down. Say you're not comfortable with this arrangement and you would like things to progress to a relationship. You don't have to slam your foot, you can offer him time to decide and be kind about it. But you have to be full on prepared to walk away so he will know your serious. He might not be willing to commit and that sucks, but this arrangement isn't making you happy so it has to change one way or another.

 

Yes I've been in your place. Finally I realized my worth and put my foot down. It worked. If you give them everything without making them work for it, why would they bother to do so?

[ThatwasThen]

Yes I've been in your place. Finally I realized my worth and put my foot down. It worked. If you give them everything without making them work for it, why would they bother to do so?

The point is to leave them when its been made clear that they only want what you give but don't want to give anything in return but an orgasm.

 

And... not to argue but it IS as bad as everyone is making it out to be. She is stuck in a loop, she's on an emotional merry go round that has stripped her of her common sense, love of self, and self esteem to the point that her only joy is when he relies on her for said orgasm, and turning to her in "his time of need." She's a shell and without therapy to help her off of this ride, it will take her a long time to regain what he's helped strip away from her.

[Hermes]

JustSay:

 

This is not a relationship, in any sense of the word.

 

"He's been in jail, in mental hospitals, had psychotic breaks, been homeless and whenever he comes to me during those vulnerable moments it feels very connected. Though most of our relationship is us having sex and sleeping together and him turning to me during his times of needs and it makes me feel connected to him, it's a type of connection where he's going through something and comes over to my place, turns to me for sex/comfort, spends the night and I feel important and needed but it seems more like he's very attracted to me and needs me and likes being intimate with me, but he doesn't want something serious outside of the sex/intimacy/emotional comfort/favors. For me, I feel like since I've been with him while he's at his most vulnerable, it always feels like a strong connection, but I often feel like it may be because I'm the only one who will take him back and not give up on him and that makes me feel special, hes also incredibly handsome and charming and we have a lot of chemistry and being able to be needed like that draws me in.

 

I fully endorse what ThatwasThen just said:

 

She's a shell and without therapy to help her off of this ride, it will take her a long time to regain what he's helped strip away from her.

[Wiseman2]

This was sad to read. You are not the social welfare department or a half-way house. This is not love it is a hand-out and pity.

 

Of course he will be nice to you and 'feel a connection' because he needs a place to stay between jail, hospitals and shelters. Also guys like this can't afford sex and usually have difficulty finding it, so that may add to this connection you feel. .

He's been in jail, in mental hospitals, had psychotic breaks, been homeless and whenever he comes to me during those vulnerable moments it feels very connected. Though most of our relationship is us having sex and sleeping together and him turning to me during his times of needs and it makes me feel connected to him

[JustSayTheWord]

So guess what? I'm seeing a new guy. He's awesome and I'm really happy. Being with him finally got me to realize how wrong my ex was for me and how unhealthy that relationship was. At first I was cautious to open up to him, but now I am really happy with him and I'm ready to move on with him and end things with the previous guy. I feel really happy with him and so lucky to have found him at just the right time. Now when the previous guy comes back, I am staying with this guy. In the past I would drop whatever guy I was with to return to him but now I've found someone who actually cares and I'm staying with him. It feels really great to have someone who cares about my feelings, I had started seeing him before I made the original post, and at first I was nervous about really giving myself to him, but now, spending so much time with him made me realize that I can have feelings for another guy and let go of the past. I feel completely ready to move on with him, just being with someone who treats me so differently from the old guy and who I can feel so much more comfortable with makes me realize so much. Yes, I will always care about the previous guy, but this new guy is who I am staying with and want to be with. I realize how much happier I feel with this guy and how I'm not constantly crying and sacrificing myself like with the previous guy.

 

I'm really happy with this new guy and have made my decision on who I choose. I had been giving everything to someone who was using me and now I have someone who really understands me and is treating me the way I deserve. And no it is not a 'rebound' as I had pretty much had it with my ex and got to the place with this guy where I am completely ready to move forward with him and have dealt with enough from that ex, I have a guy who makes me happy and after what I'd been through, I deserve it and feel like I literally met him at just he right time. I know what I want now and there is no question in my mind who I want to be with. One thing I know is you can really appreciate someone who actually treats you right after being through that. I know it may seem like I've moved on rather quickly, but I had started seeing him before I made that initial post and while things with my ex were still up in the air, at first I still had feelings for my ex and was confused, but with time I have really grown feelings for this new guy and am very happy to be with him. Yes the timing may be during my relationship, but I genuinely feel like I've connected very strongly with him and we can have something so much better than what I had with my ex. I am ready to explain to my ex that I have found someone new and it isn't like all those other times, this time I'm staying with the new guy I've found and choosing him over my ex. I didn't expect this to happen, I didn't expect to get feelings for someone new while I cared so much about this other guy I'd been involved with on and off for so long, but being away from him and continuing to be with this new guy, I realized the unexpected happened, I found someone who is so much better than my ex and who I am ready to move on with and really like being with.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry but you sound positively manic.

 

Just how long have you been dating this new guy who you are rushing headfirst into the frying pan with? Please try to dial back your emotions and take it one day at a time with this guy. I doubt you even know him very well.

 

Do continue not to have anything else with the ex. Keeping him out of your life is mandatory.

[JustSayTheWord]

I'm not good at expressing my thoughts on typing I guess I have the tendencies to get very intensely into relationships. I don't always know how express myself so well through typing too well, so yeah I may not come across so well in my messages. But yeah I am processing my emotions carefully, trying to be cautious and careful and making good decisions.

[boltnrun]

This new relationship happened in FOUR DAYS???

 

And you realized the other guy is bad for you and you are completely over him in FOUR DAYS???

 

Sounds like you're desperately looking to the new guy to distract you from the other guy. Not good.

[MissCanuck]

OP, are you seeking help for your own issues? I mean that in kindness; you are in serious need of some guidance.

 

I think you need to be single and regain your self-worth. Don't look to men to measure your value.

[JustSayTheWord]

No, for me being in a relationship is important I am going to stay in relationships because being in a relationship makes me happy. Anytime I have long periods in between relationships I get depressed and nonfunctional, one time in my past when I spent years in between I literally spent years crying and depressed all day, relationships make me happy and are very healthy for me. And to smooth this over, no I met this guy much before then, before I wrote this post, I'd been seeing him since my guy had told me he couldn't commit. Since I was still with my guy at the time, I wasn't really able to give myself to this new guy emotionally, then when I put some distance between me and my guy, I was able to allow myself to get closer to this guy who had been here all along and realize that I was an idiot for giving a guy who'd been messing me around for years all my attention, when there was this other guy who is really awesome who was here and treating me much better. But yes, this did not happen in four days, he had been here for some time long before I wrote the post, during my relationship, it was only recently that I finally said, you know, I've had this guy for years treating me this way, he's had more than enough chances, there's this really cool guy that's here now and I haven't been giving him my full attention because of this, so as I lowered communication with my ex I was able to spend more time with this guy and was not as emotionally invested in my ex, though things with my ex aren't over and e always kind of returns.

 

So yes, this is not some new person that appeared out of nowhere, he'd been in the picture for some time, and now I'm able to really open myself up to him more. You know how sometimes you are in an unhealthy relationship and there's another guy you're seeing and it takes you time to realize how the main guy you're with doesn't treat you right and this new guy whose been here for awhile, pursuing you is really great and when you finally give him that chance and are able to let your past go, you can move forward.

 

I hadn't explained myself well in my last post, so yeah, given that I was still very emotionally involved with my ex at the time of the first post, it looks like I had quickly jumped into something new, as I had been dating different guys at one point while my ex was messing me around, but this guy had been in the picture for some time and was pursuing me and when I was able to really allow myself to move forward, I realized how much better he does treat me. So yes, I make decisions in a calm matter, I'm not just jumping into something over night, I just hadn't included the details, And for me it is healthy to go from one relationship to the next, for me, relationships are healthy and do make em happy and I enjoy being in them and I deserve to be treated well after all the hell I'd been through with that ex for years and other exes. There's a guy who has been in the picture for some time who I like a lot who treats me well who'd been pursuing me for awhile who before I wasn't able to really open up to because of my ex, who now I'm realizing I can have something much better with him.

 

Though the ex isn't out of the picture yet, as he returns often and things are never over with him. Yes he had serious issues and I have some issues too, though milder ones, which I am well aware of, I think my attachment to him has been that his issues are so serious that it allows my issues to look less serious, but yes, I am not as erratic as I sound any my posts, like Is aid I am quite disorganized and not much good st typing things out, I've got mild disabilities involved in expressing my thoughts to paper which was neurological, not psychological whereas my ex has severe psychological issues which is the difference, psychological treatment involves medication, therapy, cognitive restructuring, with neurological stuff, there's no real treatment because part of the brain is essentially damaged, I have difficulty with communicating my thoughts in written expression, I either leave out details or don't organize my words properly, which is why I am terrible at posting on forums, writing essays or texting, but in person, I can speak very well, it's just difficult for me to communicate my thoughts into words in a sequential, detailed like most people, so it ends up making me sound much more 'unstable' then I am, which given my involvement with a guy with very severe issues for years, I can get why you'd jump to the conclusion that i had serious issues based on my typing style, but believe me, I am well aware of any issues I have, especially being in a longterm codependent relationship with a guy with much more serious issues.

 

Being in relationships are healthy for me, I choose relationships based on feeling a connection and enjoying being with someone, not in order to get self worth, I am much happier and well adjusted in relationships than out of them, I've done both and professionals agree that for me, being in a relationship does make me happier, healthier and better adjusted emotionally and psychologically, having that person to care for, spend time with and socialize with and connect with physically, sexually and emotionally make me happy and I know I asked for advice and some opinions on a forum, but do remember, none of us know each other here so giving serious advice on a forum to someone you don't know, you don' always get the whole picture rather than professionals giving you advice in person, knowing you and the more detailed version of the story. I enjoy relationships because I enjoy connecting with people and relationships add to my joy and happiness, I'm not using them for self-esteem, I am engaging in relationships because I enjoy connecting and sharing my life with someone and getting to know someone, yes I've been in many codependent relationships, but you can have a relationship, a healthy relationship, while adjusting your boundaries and changing your behavior to allow the relationship to last and grow on a healthy level and maintain the relationship in a healthy way. I'm not good at posting on forums, so I apologize if my messages come across somewhat erratic, I probably should have learned my lesson and not posted in the first place, I'm just not too good with typing coherently and expressing myself through words.

[Wiseman2]

Did you break up with the homeless, jailbird parasite who only dropped in now and then for fwb? End one thing for good before starting another.

 

It's great you think this is a better relationship, but it's not supposed to be a shield against some other guy coming back. Simply go no contact and block the homeless/jail guy from all platforms so he won't return.

 

How long have you been dating the new guy?

Now when the previous guy comes back, I am staying with this guy.

[Hermes]

"....one time in my past when I spent years in between I literally spent years crying and depressed all day, relationships make me happy and are very healthy for me"

 

And during those in between years you didn't think of seeking therapy for your crying and depression? A relationship is not, ever, intended to replace therapy, and is not some kind of psychiatric tool.

I cannot imagine any properly qualified professional telling you

 

"professionals agree that for me, being in a relationship does make me happier, healthier and better adjusted emotionally and psychologically"

 

I can only echo what Ms. Canuck said above:

 

you are in serious need of some guidance.

 

I think you need to be single and regain your self-worth. Don't look to men to measure your value.

[reinventmyself]

You aren't likely to make good choices in partners if you see them as your whole sense of happiness and are depressed and despondent spending any time alone.

There's a crude saying you are hungry, you'll eat anything'.

You seem pretty set in your ways but honestly I think it would serve you well to spend some time alone and learn to like yourself and embrace your life.

After you find your strength and balance, you find healthier partners that compliment your life instead of propping you up.

[Hermes]

Fully endorse your entire post, Reinvent.

 

"honestly I think it would serve you well to spend some time alone and learn to like yourself and embrace your life."

[ThatwasThen]

No, for me being in a relationship is important I am going to stay in relationships because being in a relationship makes me happy. Anytime I have long periods in between relationships I get depressed and nonfunctional,

That is ONE good reason why you need therapy and you would do well to get to your family doctor so that you can get a referral to one very quickly... before you jump head first into the frying pan with this new guy.

 

You MUST learn to be functional on your own and to stop using men to get you through life.

 

Do you have a job?

 

You aren't likely to make good choices in partners if you see them as your whole sense of happiness and are depressed and despondent spending any time alone.

There's a crude saying you are hungry, you'll eat anything'.

You seem pretty set in your ways but honestly I think it would serve you well to spend some time alone and learn to like yourself and embrace your life.

After you find your strength and balance, you find healthier partners that compliment your life instead of propping you up.

 

I agree but sadly I think that op is incapable of learning any of that on her own without the help of a good therapist to guide her along in her progress.