Bf never wants sex...WHY

[Sandy73]

I have been with my bf since 2010 (He's 30, I'm 29). We have always been less intimate than I would have liked. He always had reasons for why it wasn't happening and insisted it was temporary. Stress, tired, stomach or back hurts, headache etc. For the last year or two, it has been extreme. He only wants to have sex once every 4-8 weeks. (Sidenote: he watches porn and masturbates, not excessively but it hurts my feelings since he almost never wants sex with me). I have never had this problem with any other relationship. I don't necessarily want to break up, but I can't help but feel like he just won't tell me what it really is. I experimented May-Sept and did NOT bring up sex even once. I thought maybe it would help, letting him initiate at his own pace. We literally had sex three times from May 1-Sept 30, and we see each other everyday. We don't have kids, we aren't married. He won't go down on me AT ALL. I have compromised by saying we don't have to have intercourse to be intimate and even touching me would help. He often refuses even touching and his latest complaint for why he won't do it, is that it takes too long. I admittedly can take anywhere from 10-15 minutes from just touching. I communicate that I feel neglected. He is not affectionate at all but he never really was. He is often erect when he tells me no. I thought it might be ED but he almost always has an erection when he tells me "not right now" or "just wait." I find myself waiting a month or two, and when I ask what's wrong he just shrugs. He calls me all the time, and always wants to spend time with me. I tried giving him space and being less available but he just gets mad at me for leaving, even for short periods. I just don't know what to do at this point, any advice is appreciated.

[happyfrank]

He won't go down on me AT ALL.

 

What's his excuse why he doesn't do it?

[limichelle]

Unfortunately I think you do need to walk because you need that affection not necessarily sex but just to be hugged and kissed. To have that bond of being able to express your love. This guy sounds like he has lost interest in being receptive of your feelings and reciprocating your needs. He honestly sounds selfish with the porn and blowing you off.

 

Lisa

[Wiseman2]

Not sure why or how you have endured this rejection, coldness and abnormal behavior from him for more than half a decade of your young life.

 

At best you are incompatible on so many levels. Since he's erect, you can bet he's pretty sick in the head since it's not his body.

 

It sounds like in this over half a decade things have not progressed whatsoever.

 

There is absolutely no reason to be trapped in a horrible cold situation like this.

I have been with my bf since 2010 (He's 30, I'm 29). He won't go down on me AT ALL. I have compromised by saying we don't have to have intercourse to be intimate and even touching me would help. He often refuses even touching and his latest complaint for why he won't do it, is that it takes too long. He is often erect when he tells me no. I thought it might be ED but he almost always has an erection when he tells me "not right now" or "just wait."

[nutbrownhare]

This is a guy who is incapable of having an intimate relationship; it isn't about you. He's also controlling and doesn't like you being out of his sight. You clearly do your best to cater to his needs, but he hasn't the slightest interest in catering to yours, and your life is becoming increasingly restricted and less rewarding.

 

Your first priority is to take care of yourself; ideally in a relationship both people participate equally, but this isn't going to happen with him. Get out and about more, meet other people and depend on him less for company, lead a generally fuller life and then decide if you want to live with the constraints of an unrewarding relationship.

[Andytheman]

He knows this is a problem, but he may fear being shamed by you so he doesn't talk about it. Do you love each other enough to want to try something? Try a 90 day experiment: Neither of you can "mrtsbate" or watch "pron" for 90 days. You'll probably be loving each other like bunnies within a month.

[Sandy73]

He won't go down on me AT ALL.

 

What's his excuse why he doesn't do it?

 

Most of the time he just shrugs. Pretty much refuses to talk about it and insists he "doesn't know"

[Hermes]

"He is not affectionate at all but he never really was."

 

So, Sandy, what's in this "relationship" for you? What's the pull, now, at at the beginning.

 

I get a feeling he is hoping you will leave.....

[Sandy73]

We get along otherwise. I don't think he wants me to leave because he always wants to spend time with me. I don't have to initiate us being in each other's presence ever. He calls me everyday during his lunch break at work and talks to me for most of it. On the rare occasion he doesn't I don't even bring it up. He likes doing stuff together. Watching tv at home, going out, dinners, walks, concerts, vacations etc. He opens up about most other stuff. He always says he likes spending time with me. He wants me to hang out with him and his friends often. Sometimes I think it's just his personality to be like this but it can be hard for me. I cope by remembering that no relationship is perfect.

[Hermes]

Sandy.

 

You can "get along" with anyone. What you describe is like living with just a brother. It isn't a relationship.

 

"He often refuses even touching and his latest complaint for why he won't do it, is that it takes too long."

 

Something isn't right here, Sandy. Is there a possibility he may be gay?

[Sandy73]

What do u mean sick in the head? What could he be thinking?

[Sandy73]

Not sure why or how you have endured this rejection, coldness and abnormal behavior from him for more than half a decade of your young life.

 

At best you are incompatible on so many levels. Since he's erect, you can bet he's pretty sick in the head since it's not his body.

 

It sounds like in this over half a decade things have not progressed whatsoever.

 

There is absolutely no reason to be trapped in a horrible cold situation like this.

What do u mean sick in the head? What could he be thinking?

[Andytheman]

This is not uncommon in young men. Have you researched it at all? It's becoming a real problem. Check out Ted Talk on YBOP.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are just friends if this is all you have after 6 years together and he does not want sex with you. likes doing stuff together. Watching tv at home, going out, dinners, walks, concerts, vacations etc. He wants me to hang out with him and his friends often.

[Jibralta]

Yes, it's almost as if you were friendzoned and yet somehow not permitted to date other people. Do you live together?

[Andytheman]

[Andytheman]

Try not to judge. Just do a little research. Oh and be nice to him if you like him.

[gypsybird87]

Sandy,

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.

 

Sexual compatibility is just as important as every other kind of relationship factor. You and your boyfriend clearly have different ideas about frequency, as well as what constitutes intimacy. Those are huge incompatibilities. Combine that with the fact that he is apparently rejecting you in favor of porn and masturbation, and you have a really dysfunctional situation. As others have said, you're living more like friends/roommates.

 

You've been in this position for awhile now, and it seems to be getting worse, not better. It sounds unlikely to improve anytime soon, if ever. Only you can decide what feels right, but personally, I would walk away.

[Andytheman]

The Google Play Store has a free app called "No More!"

[IAmFCA]

We get along otherwise. I don't think he wants me to leave because he always wants to spend time with me. I don't have to initiate us being in each other's presence ever. He calls me everyday during his lunch break at work and talks to me for most of it. On the rare occasion he doesn't I don't even bring it up. He likes doing stuff together. Watching tv at home, going out, dinners, walks, concerts, vacations etc. He opens up about most other stuff. He always says he likes spending time with me. He wants me to hang out with him and his friends often. Sometimes I think it's just his personality to be like this but it can be hard for me. I cope by remembering that no relationship is perfect.

 

It's up to you to decide what you want. If you are so glad to be included, then that's your trade off. I don't think it's sustainable if you want to live a life where you feel yourself blossom and grow.

[georgestraight]

Couple of things. I don't know the whole story, but I'm guessing he is still with you because it is easier to keep you than to start over. He is lazy... porn? masturbating? Find another one ASAP and make sure your money maker is completely cleaned up going forward.

[willdation]

He probably just does not realize it and thinks everything is fine...maybe just carried away with work and in a rut..I think that happens to a lot of people at some point... you will just need to really try and communicate this to him...I also think most men love when the feel they are making their woman happy and are successful at this....so maybe some encouragement could go a long way...or try asking what is his fantasy etc and go from there...