Mack1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Hi there, I need some advice on whether or not I was emotionally abused. I was in a relationship for a year and a half with this woman I met online. The first maybe six months we were together, she always wanted to have sex with me. Maybe a month into our relationship, she asked me, "can we do it?" I said sure, and we did it. She would also text me saying that she wanted to "pay me in nature" for things I did for her. About eight months in, she stopped wanting to have sex. Then she graduated into being distant with me, not talking to me as much. Then she finally broke up with me over the phone. A week after she broke up with me, we talked and got back together. We were together for another maybe two months, and I was trying to talk to her about issues in our relationship. She then said she wanted to break up, and she did it with a smile on her face. About a few weeks after that, she texted me saying that she's sorry for the way she broke up, and I told her that I'm not gonna let her break my heart again. A week after that, she texted me saying she misses me and wants to get back together, she came all the way to my house, and asked if we could get back together. I said yes, because she fooled me. About a couple months later, she broke up with me again, a third time, saying "I don't think we're right for each other". I cried really hard, I was distraught by it. About a few weeks after she broke up with me, I blocked her from Facebook. She then texted me saying she wanted to give me some things I gave to her back, I said I don't want those things back, then she told me she'll leave them in my driveway, I told her I don't want her at my house, then she called me "immature". Then I finally told her that I want her out of my life. I would like to note that I never mistreated this woman in any way, I always treated her right. It's not me who has the issues, it's her. I would also like to note that she also told me that when she used to babysit, she would beat the kids she's watching until they cried, "just so that she knows it's working". Meaning she would beat a little kid up until they cried, no matter how many times she has to beat them. Based on what I have said, I need to know, have I been emotionally abused? Sometimes I wonder how the hell this woman can sleep at night, knowing how she is. First she abuses little kids physically, now she abuses me emotionally. Is there anyone who has been in the same situation as me? Thanks in advance. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I don't know if that qualifies as emotional abuse, but she was certainly jerking you around and it's probably for the best that it's ended. Link to comment
Hermes Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 She should be in the hands of the police. Report her! Link to comment
moodindigo91 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I would call this "tugging at heartstrings" Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Best thing you could have ever done is get this child-beating psycho-witch out of your life forever. I told her I don't want her at my house, then she called me "immature". Then I finally told her that I want her out of my life....same girl? Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Yes, same girl. I hope she sees all this too, but she most likely won't. Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Best thing you could have ever done is get this child-beating psycho-witch out of your life forever....same girl? Brief and to the point. Couldn't agree more. She sounds emotionally unstable and a nasty piece of work. What a @#$/@^ !! Keep NC and never respond to her ever again.... not even when she's in prison for child abuse. Link to comment
Lisii Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 OM Gosh, speechless! She's a nutter.. She needs to be reported. - poor kids Yes to NC.. get her out of your life. Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 One thing I would also like to note is that during the course of our relationship, she would tend to degrade me sometimes, by telling me I was horrible in bed, that she "expects me to be the man in the relationship" when I tried everything to be with her. She ended up moving away, and I probably applied for over 20 jobs that was near her, so that I could be with her. Regarding the babysitting thing, she told me she would "spank" the kids "until they cried, just so she knows it's working". To this day, I am really disturbed that she told me that, and I'm trying hard in my head to say "oh it's no big deal", but I don't know why, it just really tugs at my nerves every time I think about what she did to little kids. I'm just truly distraught because when we first met, I trusted her, I loved her, I did everything for her. Then a year and a half later, she just breaks up with me like this. I'm still in shock, and I have nightmares about it all the time. Link to comment
zeino Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Congratulations on getting out. From the outset, this looks pretty much like borderline personality disorder but of course we cannot know with this much data (but the relationship pattern looks eerily similar). Depending on the person, this then could have elements from other Cluster B diagnoses such as narcissism and psychopathy. And attempts to pull you back are then called "recycles". I suggest you check BPD Family which is a support site with different stages of peer support and healing. If your experiences are similar to experiences of people there on the boards, I would urge you to educate yourself really well about what is going on and what will go on (kind of follows a script), focus on your healing as this kind of relationship may leave severe emotional scars on people and be ready for a safer future (as her behaviour may escalate, you may find her in your driveway or may be manipulated in many ways etc.) You can just write this post as your intro and people there would help you understand what went on (or maybe you will decide that this is something else.) Borderline personality disorder has different forms and not everyone with BPD is emotionally abusive or even intentionally hurtful, but then there is also research where female names are changed with male names and then some of these individuals are diagnosed with psychopathy. I suggest you take this seriously. I wish you the best Link to comment
Lisii Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Do you know the people she babysits for? Can you tell them what she did? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 One thing I would also like to note is that during the course of our relationship, she would tend to degrade me sometimes, by telling me I was horrible in bed, that she "expects me to be the man in the relationship" when I tried everything to be with her. She ended up moving away, and I probably applied for over 20 jobs that was near her, so that I could be with her. Regarding the babysitting thing, she told me she would "spank" the kids "until they cried, just so she knows it's working". To this day, I am really disturbed that she told me that, and I'm trying hard in my head to say "oh it's no big deal", but I don't know why, it just really tugs at my nerves every time I think about what she did to little kids. I'm just truly distraught because when we first met, I trusted her, I loved her, I did everything for her. Then a year and a half later, she just breaks up with me like this. I'm still in shock, and I have nightmares about it all the time. Well, we are as equally disturbed. How long ago was this, that she babysat? Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 I don't know how long ago this was, and I don't know the kids she abused. She told me the parents of the kids authorized this to happen, which makes them just as guilty. She also told me that her parents used to "beat the $;@! out of her", but she took it as though she was OK with it, that it was just "discipline". She told me her parents used to punch her and physically hurt her, but she was totally fine with it. I was never physically abused so I don't know how that's like but I have a feeling she has a disorder stemming from being abused physically. Link to comment
zeino Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 The more you write about this, the more borderline it sounds. And your feelings of shock, nightmares and everything, too. Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 The more you write about this, the more borderline it sounds. And your feelings of shock, nightmares and everything, too. I don't know if societies definition of abuse fits in with my situation, but I think I was, no doubt. She would always degrade me, make me feel worthless, and try to blame things on me. I'm glad she's out of my life, I just feel like a complete idiot for letting her back in and allowing her to hurt me again, that's what's making me feel worthless over again. Link to comment
zeino Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 I don't know if societies definition of abuse fits in with my situation, but I think I was, no doubt. She would always degrade me, make me feel worthless, and try to blame things on me. I'm glad she's out of my life, I just feel like a complete idiot for letting her back in and allowing her to hurt me again, that's what's making me feel worthless over again. Yes it does. Because of gender roles, men may not always be aware of what is going on but the emotional impact is the same. You meet a lovely person (maybe a bit vulnerable) who has a lot in common with you - because they are mirroring you. You are the best thing that that has happened to them. (Idealization) Men often get told that they are the best sex partner ever. There may also be certain things that trigger your rescuer tendencies. You get to experience being someone's knight in shining armour. (Women experience being an "angel" or something.) This is the idealization phase. Then something starts to seep in slowly. You are not so perfect anymore in this person's eyes. At this stage, you start getting overt or covert blows to your ego - often exactly on things that made you a wonderful partner some time ago. Was sex wonderful with you? All of a sudden, it is witheld. You say OK. I don't want it, either? This time they try to seduce you despite your will. This is actually a power fight and witholding sex this way or seducing someone against their own will fit in with the definition of sexual abuse - but sometimes men are not willing to accept this definition. Women experience more direct violence or coercion. Was your job good because it gave both of you lots of time? All of a sudden, you are not making enough money. This is the devaluation. Women may get more comments about their body, their looks etc but there are a lot of things in common. Basically, this more or less repeats gender roles and hits us from all those things. Then you are discarded and then recycled. (Other people can be in a line during this period.) Narcissists are more controlled when doing this. Borderlines may do this in teary ways. The queen borderline may authoritarian close to a narcissist, someone else may be more vulnerable speaking to you in a baby voice and crying in fetus position. You may be pushed and pulled on a continuous basis. They have a radar, the moment you start feeling better, they reappear in your life. Whatever happens, you start questioning your reality, your understanding, you start feeling weird, lose motivation, find yourself shaking, trembling, having nightmares. Lose confidence. Some people, men and women, start suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. We don't need many elaborate definitions abuse. Our own wounds tell us whether we were or not. Don't worry too much about being an idiot and being pulled in. Statistics say that a very high percentage are pulled back in up to 3 times (if I remember correctly.) Some people do this up to 15 times or a lifetime. Actually, you sound like one of the stronger people who got out relatively more quickly - though it may be beneficial to look at why you fell for this in the first instance or remained in it for a bit. (This is because a lot of people leave this dynamic after 3 or six months). Instead of feeling worthless over this, you can count your stars that you got out relatively sanely without turning into a complete wreck and use your power to heal from this experience. And do not get into any contact with this person. Female abusers are known with false allegations. Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 Yes it does. Because of gender roles, men may not always be aware of what is going on but the emotional impact is the same. You meet a lovely person (maybe a bit vulnerable) who has a lot in common with you - because they are mirroring you. You are the best thing that that has happened to them. (Idealization) Men often get told that they are the best sex partner ever. There may also be certain things that trigger your rescuer tendencies. You get to experience being someone's knight in shining armour. (Women experience being an "angel" or something.) This is the idealization phase. Then something starts to seep in slowly. You are not so perfect anymore in this person's eyes. At this stage, you start getting overt or covert blows to your ego - often exactly on things that made you a wonderful partner some time ago. Was sex wonderful with you? All of a sudden, it is witheld. You say OK. I don't want it, either? This time they try to seduce you despite your will. This is actually a power fight and witholding sex this way or seducing someone against their own will fit in with the definition of sexual abuse - but sometimes men are not willing to accept this definition. Women experience more direct violence or coercion. Was your job good because it gave both of you lots of time? All of a sudden, you are not making enough money. This is the devaluation. Women may get more comments about their body, their looks etc but there are a lot of things in common. Basically, this more or less repeats gender roles and hits us from all those things. Then you are discarded and then recycled. (Other people can be in a line during this period.) Narcissists are more controlled when doing this. Borderlines may do this in teary ways. The queen borderline may authoritarian close to a narcissist, someone else may be more vulnerable speaking to you in a baby voice and crying in fetus position. You may be pushed and pulled on a continuous basis. They have a radar, the moment you start feeling better, they reappear in your life. Whatever happens, you start questioning your reality, your understanding, you start feeling weird, lose motivation, find yourself shaking, trembling, having nightmares. Lose confidence. Some people, men and women, start suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. We don't need many elaborate definitions abuse. Our own wounds tell us whether we were or not. Don't worry too much about being an idiot and being pulled in. Statistics say that a very high percentage are pulled back in up to 3 times (if I remember correctly.) Some people do this up to 15 times or a lifetime. Actually, you sound like one of the stronger people who got out relatively more quickly - though it may be beneficial to look at why you fell for this in the first instance or remained in it for a bit. (This is because a lot of people leave this dynamic after 3 or six months). Instead of feeling worthless over this, you can count your stars that you got out relatively sanely without turning into a complete wreck and use your power to heal from this experience. And do not get into any contact with this person. Female abusers are known with false allegations. Thank you so much for that piece of advice. And you're right, it's easier for me to spill my guts out on this site because it's anonymous. I don't want to spill my guts out to other people because it'll make me look weak. If any of you would meet me in person, you wouldn't think for one second that I have these issues in my head. On the outside, I'm a tough guy. But inside, I'm hurting, really bad. And it hurts even more knowing that I have been abused like this. I keep thinking, "how can this happen to me?" But I guess in the end it's making me stronger. I don't need to seek professional help by any means, I think this is all a healing process, and booting this woman out of my life is a part of the healing. I guarantee she won't last with the next man she finds because she was in a relationship for two years before me and she ended that one too. She never communicated with me about any issues, she was always very reserved. She didn't have any friends either, she never once told me she was hanging out with friends, only her family. It's like I've known her for a year and a half, but I don't truly know her at all. Link to comment
qwaspolk82 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Hi there, I need some advice on whether or not I was emotionally abused. I was in a relationship for a year and a half with this woman I met online. The first maybe six months we were together, she always wanted to have sex with me. Maybe a month into our relationship, she asked me, "can we do it?" I said sure, and we did it. She would also text me saying that she wanted to "pay me in nature" for things I did for her. About eight months in, she stopped wanting to have sex. Then she graduated into being distant with me, not talking to me as much. Then she finally broke up with me over the phone. A week after she broke up with me, we talked and got back together. We were together for another maybe two months, and I was trying to talk to her about issues in our relationship. She then said she wanted to break up, and she did it with a smile on her face. About a few weeks after that, she texted me saying that she's sorry for the way she broke up, and I told her that I'm not gonna let her break my heart again. A week after that, she texted me saying she misses me and wants to get back together, she came all the way to my house, and asked if we could get back together. I said yes, because she fooled me. About a couple months later, she broke up with me again, a third time, saying "I don't think we're right for each other". I cried really hard, I was distraught by it. About a few weeks after she broke up with me, I blocked her from Facebook. She then texted me saying she wanted to give me some things I gave to her back, I said I don't want those things back, then she told me she'll leave them in my driveway, I told her I don't want her at my house, then she called me "immature". Then I finally told her that I want her out of my life. I would like to note that I never mistreated this woman in any way, I always treated her right. It's not me who has the issues, it's her. I would also like to note that she also told me that when she used to babysit, she would beat the kids she's watching until they cried, "just so that she knows it's working". Meaning she would beat a little kid up until they cried, no matter how many times she has to beat them. Based on what I have said, I need to know, have I been emotionally abused? Sometimes I wonder how the hell this woman can sleep at night, knowing how she is. First she abuses little kids physically, now she abuses me emotionally. Is there anyone who has been in the same situation as me? Thanks in advance. No that doesn't sound like emotional abuse. She just sounds like a b****. If she told you she's abusing kids why didn't you report her? How old are you guys? She might be a sociopath but none of us can diagnose that. She did not emotionally abuse you based on what you wrote above. If there is more to the story maybe. But from what I read she did not emotionally abuse you. She just used you. Next time someone says that they beat up small children you should probably call the cops though. Link to comment
qwaspolk82 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 One thing I would also like to note is that during the course of our relationship, she would tend to degrade me sometimes, by telling me I was horrible in bed, that she "expects me to be the man in the relationship" when I tried everything to be with her. She ended up moving away, and I probably applied for over 20 jobs that was near her, so that I could be with her. Regarding the babysitting thing, she told me she would "spank" the kids "until they cried, just so she knows it's working". To this day, I am really disturbed that she told me that, and I'm trying hard in my head to say "oh it's no big deal", but I don't know why, it just really tugs at my nerves every time I think about what she did to little kids. I'm just truly distraught because when we first met, I trusted her, I loved her, I did everything for her. Then a year and a half later, she just breaks up with me like this. I'm still in shock, and I have nightmares about it all the time. That sounds more like emotional abuse than before. Again report those people to the police. Link to comment
Mack1990 Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 The reason I couldn't report it to the police is because this all happened when she lived in Poland, that's where she's originally from. Plus, the police would really have no evidence to go on. And everyone I've been talking to about this, they're all saying that I was emotionally abused by her. The way she would constantly tell me that everything I did wasn't enough and that I need to "act like a man", her constant belittling me, rejecting me while having me think that everything is ok, the whole nine yards. I'm still in recovery from it and I have flashbacks and nightmares about everything I went through with this woman. The hardest part is the temptation to tell her everything how I feel about it, it's as if I don't have that closure. I just pray every day that she lives a miserable life. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 16, 2016 Share Posted November 16, 2016 I would also like to note that she also told me that when she used to babysit, she would beat the kids she's watching until they cried, "just so that she knows it's working". Meaning she would beat a little kid up until they cried, no matter how many times she has to beat them. She's definitely flipped in the head and should be sitting in jail right now over how she treated those kids. I saw red on that. It sounds like she enjoys having power over someone who is weaker than she is in some way and right now instead of getting her jollies off by beating up little kids (Seriously, this makes me want to track her down, find the parents, find the kids, and have her jailed) she has simply decided it's fun to Fk with your head. Block and delete her. Once they break up with you twice you shouldn't be giving them any more chances, because it never gets any better and is simply a massive red flag the relationship can't work anyways. I learned that from experience. I don't know that I would call that emotionally abusive, but gloating about hurting children definitely falls into the camp of clear warning signs she's got an abusive nature. Dump her for good. Link to comment
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