Sue8965 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Hello everyone, I have a concern with my new boyfriend of 3 months, and I need advice on what everyone would do in this situation. So he lived with his girlfriend of 4 years and they got a dog together, they broke up last year but she still sees the dog (which I would expect). But the kicker is, that she has the key to his apartment and will get the dog during the day when he is at work or running errands or hang out at his apartment with the dog when he isn't there. He has told me on several occasions that their break up was terrible and he avoids her at all cost, to which is why she has a key to his place. But he also told me that she will meet him at the dog park some nights to see the dog. I let him know I felt uncomfortable at his place knowing she has a key, I also asked him if she still has feelings for him because he has said he is completely over her. I am confused because I have never been in this situation before, I am nervous because he will not let me go to the dog park when he goes because she might be there. Also I am not sure if he actually still has feelings for her because it seems as if she has control over him because of the dog. He said he was going to tell her this week about us being together, but I need to know what others think, should I continue this or leave him and the "doggie mama drama"? Any and all advice is welcomed, I want to hear both sides of what everyone thinks, especially if anyone has been in this situation before. Thank you! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Unfortunately he's not ready for a new relationship because he still has one foot stuck in this one. It's very bizarre that she has the keys to his place when he's dating new women. The dog is an excuse for way too much unfinished business. It may be best to tell him for now this doesn't work for you and to call when he's done with that relationship. You could get hurt continuing.she has the key to his apartment and will get the dog during the day when he is at work or running errands or hang out at his apartment with the dog when he isn't there.she will meet him at the dog park some nights to see the dog. he will not let me go to the dog park when he goes because she might be there. ] Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Honestly??? Sounds a bit fishy to me..... If the break up was so terrible then why would he allow her in the house or is he using her so he doesn't have to pay for a dog sitter? I know I wouldn't be too happy.about it. Especially if he says that you can't go in the park because you might see her.... what's the big deal, if he's over her, right??? I guess you have options: 1. Ask him if your relationship is going somewhere and if so then he has to tell her about you two and come up with another plan for the dog. 2 End it due to the fact that it's too much and seems a bit suss. Three months isn't that long to lose.... Suppose it depends if it's worth trying to sort out without too much hassle. For me it sounds a bit fishy X Link to comment
Jibralta Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Leave him to the doggie-momma-drama. The chances are too high for you to get hurt. Link to comment
moodindigo91 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I think most of it sounded okay until you said 1) she has a key to his place; 2) he won't let you go to the dog park with him in case she's there; and 3) you've been together 3 months and he's JUST NOW telling his ex about you. Aside from those things, I actually know people who broke up but had visits with their dog and it works out fine, but no one has keys to the other's apartments and no one has secret meetings at dog parks without mentioning they have a new partner. For that reason, I'd say dip out of that relationship and save yourself from some much expected drama. I doubt he'd change his relationship with his ex much even when you demand it, and it'll end badly if you stick around any longer. Link to comment
Lisii Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Ekkk, sorry - yes, this scares me too... using doggie as an excuse to have a key is a red flag. There are other ways to share custody of a poochie. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 If he won't take back his key and if he won't take you to the dog park and if he won't make out reasonable visitation for her to look after the dog every other weekend (or whatever) then you're with someone who is not over his ex. Me? I'd never go out with someone whose ex still had a key to his place... not even if they shared custody of CHILDREN. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 No. Cut your losses and leave him to the 'doggie-mama-drama'. When people are GENUINELY over their exes, and have a true friendship (it CAN happen!) they don't try to hide new relationships, or meet them in secret. Your guy is still involved with his ex, even if he says he has no feelings for her. And YOU will continue to eat your heart out for as long as you stay with him. Link to comment
BlarneyStone Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Dude was in a relationship for 4 years. I know you said they broke up "last year" (I assume that means about a year ago?), but I doubt he'd be completely over it. I mean, four years... Like someone said earlier, genuinely being over an ex can take a long ass time especially if you're the one getting dumped. At a best case scenario, this dude just doesn't understand boundaries and is not harboring any ill intent. But even that best case scenario requires a recall. Link to comment
Sue8965 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Thank you for your responses everyone, I am thinking the same of cutting him loose but needed some encouragement. He has always been honest about his ex having the key and that she would meet him at the park that honestly didn't bother me until recently because I am friends with all my ex's and we have mature friendships. It just seems recently when I need his advice he doesn't respond while he is at the park and I'm not sure if she is there with him or not, almost as if he is ignoring me for her, it seems that way. Her having the key has always bothered me, I mentioned this week he needs to let her know about our relationship and he has said that he is scared of what she is going to do, because she has burned his stuff and thrown it all out in past experiences. But my question is why would you let her have a key then?! I wouldn't feel safe in my apt if someone is capable of that. Either way I don't want to be involved in this drama anymore. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Thank you for your responses everyone, I am thinking the same of cutting him loose but needed some encouragement. He has always been honest about his ex having the key and that she would meet him at the park that honestly didn't bother me until recently because I am friends with all my ex's and we have mature friendships. It just seems recently when I need his advice he doesn't respond while he is at the park and I'm not sure if she is there with him or not, almost as if he is ignoring me for her, it seems that way. Her having the key has always bothered me, I mentioned this week he needs to let her know about our relationship and he has said that he is scared of what she is going to do, because she has burned his stuff and thrown it all out in past experiences. But my question is why would you let her have a key then?! I wouldn't feel safe in my apt if someone is capable of that. Either way I don't want to be involved in this drama anymore. So nice to read that you have good self-worth and enough common sense to get out when you should. I know it's disappointing but you doing what you're doing, well, you should be very proud of yourself. No sense wasting time on a chuckler. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Her having the key has always bothered me, I mentioned this week he needs to let her know about our relationship and he has said that he is scared of what she is going to do, because she has burned his stuff and thrown it all out in past experiences. But my question is why would you let her have a key then?! I wouldn't feel safe in my apt if someone is capable of that. Either way I don't want to be involved in this drama anymore. If there is any possibility of someone still burning possessions a year after a break up, it's one of three things: The relationship is still going on at some level and they are not detached -or- he's saying that just to be dramatic and throw you off track -or- she's nuts The fact that she has the key gives you some indication of the status of their relationship. Add in he has stated he can't stand being around her? Something doesn't add up and it feels awfully crowded. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 This sounds like either bs or he's as crazy as he depicts her to be.he needs to let her know about our relationship and he has said that he is scared of what she is going to do, because she has burned his stuff and thrown it all out in past experiences. But my question is why would you let her have a key then?! ] Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 It just seems recently when I need his advice he doesn't respond while he is at the park and I'm not sure if she is there with him or not, almost as if he is ignoring me for her, it seems that way. Her having the key has always bothered me, I mentioned this week he needs to let her know about our relationship and he has said that he is scared of what she is going to do, because she has burned his stuff and thrown it all out in past experiences. But my question is why would you let her have a key then?! I wouldn't feel safe in my apt if someone is capable of that. Either way I don't want to be involved in this drama anymore. Yes, it all sounds very, very "off". And it's seriously not your problem! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Just curious. Do you spend any time at his apartment or stay the night? Let me guess and I hope I am wrong. He visits you at your place?? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 ^ You read my mind, that was my next question. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I thought she said somewhere that she was uncomfortable staying at his place when she had a key and could enter any time? Adding: Yes, here it is: I let him know I felt uncomfortable at his place knowing she has a key, Link to comment
Sue8965 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 I do stay at his place at least 2-3 times per week. He cannot stay at my place as I live with my brother and that is just weird to me. I think that she is crazy because she has abused him before and has been arrested for it, and I have seen the records on it, due to research of my own, but I need to know that everything is out in the open. We have a major problem if she has a problem with me in the picture, because obviously she still has feelings for him. He is talking to her this week about me so we will see, but it's not looking too promising for me sticking around. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 It would be best not to be there because she has keys to the place and has been arrested for violence. When she finds out about you she may stalk, harass and try to hurt you. He is not keeping himself safe from her, no less you. Obviously he never got a restraining order and worse is letting someone who vandalized his property and was arrested for assault have 24/7 access to his place. He is not worth putting yourself at risk for like this. She sounds like a bunny boiler and they are way to intertwined. Run!I do stay at his place at least 2-3 times per week. she has abused him before and has been arrested for it.We have a major problem if she has a problem with me in the picture, because obviously she still has feelings for him. He is talking to her this week about me so we will see, but it's not looking too promising for me sticking around. ] Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I do stay at his place at least 2-3 times per week. He cannot stay at my place as I live with my brother and that is just weird to me. I think that she is crazy because she has abused him before and has been arrested for it, and I have seen the records on it, due to research of my own, but I need to know that everything is out in the open. We have a major problem if she has a problem with me in the picture, because obviously she still has feelings for him. He is talking to her this week about me so we will see, but it's not looking too promising for me sticking around. After reading this, even if he does talk to her about you, I think you're making a mistake if you continue on with him. He has codependency issues if he's still involved with someone that abused him and was actually arrested for it. There is something missing in him and you'd do well to not bother finding out what it is. Link to comment
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