What now? Im lost.

[LostWilderness]

This will probably be a bit jumbled.

Im not thinking very clearly.

After 11 years our relationship has ended.

We both still loved each other when it ended.

I ended it after she came clean about repeated cheating and lying.

She had several affairs that she lied about repeatedly over the years.

6 months ago she finally gave in and talked.

6 weeks later we split.

She didnt just give the info away I had to drag it out of her.

Lie after lie unfolded.

We went to a relationship counselor about it.

My mind was so shattered I didnt know what to think or feel.

I wanted it to work so much.

The relationahip counselor adviced me to leave despite us still loving each other.

She said that my ex wont change and its toll on me is too great.

She said she didnt doubt that my ex loved me but still cheated on me repeatedly and that the two were not connected in my ex's mind.

That she is unlikely to stop without serious work and commitment to change.

Which she wasnt taking seriously.

 

Realy sad stuff.

I dont regret the split.

But I dont know what to do now.

Im lost. I still love her despite all of this.

Which im hoping the love will leave me soon.

Im so used to having her around. Laughing and talking with her.

Holding her.

We may have spent less than 50 nights apart in 11 years. Probably less than 10 apart in the last 5 years.

Havent gone a day without conversing for hours in that time. Literally.

We never argued. We just got along really well.

Were always happy to see each other.

Its so messed up.

I just cant believe it.

Im gutted.

The second affair may have gone on for over 5 years.

I dont know how it is even possible that someone can do this while loving someone.

The third was carried out in our own bed while I was at work.

Nothing changed during that time.

I suspected something was up because I saw her texting a bit more than usual, when I saw it was a bloke I thought it was odd...but just couldnt believe it. I asked her about it.

She guilt tripped me for asking.

I wanted to believe her.

I thought it was all in my mind.

We carried on as usual.

Happy in each others company.

But doubt kept creeping in when we werent together.

It started to eat at me.

I became depressed and suicidal.

And eventually convinced it happened.

But it was somehow my fault.

Felt like I wasnt good enough.

I had one of these for each affair and concluded after each one it was all in my head (with her help).

She lied through all of it.

And repeated it.

 

She said she was happy at the time. She did it because he tricked her apparently.

He made her feel good and tricked her into sex is the story....

 

When it all came out the lies were so terrible. The cover ups.

So disgusting.

Its hard to get my head around it.

 

'What you dont know doesnt hurt you' she said.

It does hurt.

It hurts alot.

 

Its been 6 months of up and downs.

Nightmares. Disbelief. Drinking.

In the last month I have stopped drinking and I havent had nightmares for about 2 months.

The disbelief remains.

 

When she left we hugged and cried.

 

The whole thing is just terrible.

I feel like theres nothing left inside me but pain.

 

When women came onto me in the past I told them about my beautiful wife, what we had together and all the things we did together.

All the years of happiness and love we shared.

It reminded me of what we had.

I also told my ex when this would happen and told her what I told them.

I was telling them lies it would seem.

I had nothing. We had nothing.

[Rising100]

Remember one thing.

She did NOT love you. For if she did, woukd have done this to you.

 

Now take that with you and use it when you feel like you cant move on.

I know its painful and it even feels unreal but in this sea of confusion and lies the only thing you must know is that you have to move on, just move forward and leave her behind so you can heal yourself.

 

I give my all in a relationship and when I was cheated on in the past with a girl I lived with for couple of years it changed me. Now looking back I have moved on and if I did it then you can do it too.

Shes not in my life anymore for she doesnt deserve to have any of me, its was her loss.

[lancelot873]

sorry to hear about that man, it really is unfortunate..but not for you. for her it's unfortunate. because she lost a great guy. this is the time to find yourself again, that is what you should do and focus on. suicidal thoughts are no good, it is like saying you gave up on yourself. so don't give up on YOU.

 

remember all those times when women came on to you and try to see what it is about you that they liked, and reconnect with yourself. except this time, when they come on to you, you will be ready for them. so find some new hobby or hangout with your closes friends, I'm sure they will understand what you're going through. if they care for you, they will support you. and remember, you need you right. accept what happened and that no one should be treated the way you were because that is unfaithful behavior what she did and she will get bad karma her way for sure. you get what you give! so give yourself some attention, and you will start improving day after day. if you stop living, nothing will happen and you will stay the same. ask yourself, do I want to be stuck like this forever because of someone who treated me bad?

 

good luck and check back this website for great advice and input

[Lisii]

Remember one thing.

She did NOT love you. For if she did, woukd have done this to you.

 

Now take that with you and use it when you feel like you cant move on.

I know its painful and it even feels unreal but in this sea of confusion and lies the only thing you must know is that you have to move on, just move forward and leave her behind so you can heal yourself.

.

 

I disagree, I do think in her own way she does/did love you, She obviously has some need to be loved - but not in the right way - judging by the affairs.. This is her problem, not yours. She has lost an amazing guy in the process..

 

You sound like a loving and great guy and I'm sorry you are going through this - as Lancealot and Rising100 have said, it is time to find yourself again.

 

If women come onto you then you obviously have a lot going for you... don't rush to fill her void, take one day at a time it will get better

 

((Hugs))

[Lola216]

It's definitely going to take significant time for you to heal. You didn't deserve to be disrespected like that all, especially from someone who claims to love you.

 

It's good that you stopped drinking. Hurting yourself physically isn't going to help you recover from this.

[LostWilderness]

Thankyou all for your replies

 

Ive been in a dark place for quite a while now.

Its getting better though

 

It feels like I could never trust again.

I dont think I even want to.

Theres been some real damage done here.

 

Just have to give time some time I guess.

 

There are a few things that bother me now about it. Apart from the cheating, lying and destruction of self esteem

Post confession bothers.

She was and probably still is angry at me because initially (for the first month) I said everything will be alright. I was in shock I think.

It took months for me to actually realise how bad it was.

I still cant get my head around it.

She seems to be holding onto this as some wrong I did to her.

Maybe to detract from her own wrong doing?

 

I probably have to just stop thinking about her or worrying what she is thinking or saying

Easier said then done.

It doesnt really matter in the end.

Not much does

Dont mean that in a depressive kind of way....i mean that alot of the things we stress and worry about just really dont matter to much.

[lancelot873]

don't fall for the guilt trip trap. her feelings/emotions don't matter anymore. if she keeps contacting/aggravating you just let her know you need some space to figure out your feelings because it is a lot to take in.

 

keep distracting yourself in the mean time by staying physically active and hanging out with your inner circle of friends. give yourself some love, because in the end, only you got your own back (and the few good people who want to stay in your life and respect you)