How to deal with a "needy" ex

[purple1980]

So, 1 week and a half ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend. It just wasnt going anywhere. He is lazy, not motivated and was holding me back. I know this is normal for a break up, but I have never been through this. He is constantly texting me he wants to be w me all these romantic things and how he would do aything for me ( i believe he is sincere) but im still firm. His words make me want to go in a corner and cry, because i feel so bad that he is hurting. What do i do? what do i say? please help

[AvaD21]

.....block him?

[waxie]

Why don't u open up what u feel I mean tell him u find him lazy and not motivated etc ....he might change...at least he knows why u broke up with him

[SherrySher]

You have to decide which means more...his happiness, or your happiness. You already know what his downfalls are and they are holding you back. You don't need to keep on with someone because they want you to or they are making you feel sorry for them or guilty, etc. He's a grown man and he sounds as though he needs to learn responsibility.

It's not your job to downgrade your happiness for his sake.

[nihongo]

To me, blocking him would just exacerbate the problem. I say - be honest why you broke up with him yet firm to show him how serious you are.

[pippy longstocking]

Well he is playing on your emotions , you are a nice person so it hurts to hear someones pain . especially as you will feel that you have caused the pain by ending it.

The reality is , he isn't feeling anything we don't all feel and recover from might I add and as I said you obviously have a heart so you feel bad for doing it ...and as much as this place is full of people who have been dumped expressing their pain , we need to remember that it can be very painful to do the dumping as well . So in my mind you are both going through a very natural process .

 

His process right now is the pleading and the reminding you of all the good stuff , the love , the happy ever afters and yes I believe every word is sincere .. But do you want him ? Do you want to try again ? Please don't be pressured into it because it will cause you both more pain when you have to do this all over again .

 

 

You have to stop responding , you need to block , you have to take every measure you can so he can't get under your skin and so he doesn't hang on to any bit of hope at all . I know it sounds cruel but it is the only way for both your sakes .

[zeino]

So you are a victim of message bombing. Separation may trigger some anxieties akin to fears of abandonment in needy people, who then reach out compulsively to soothe their anxiety. He may be doing this knowingly with a manipulative streak or unawarely but probably, this has more to so with his own anxiety than anything else. So, don't take this very personally - I know it sounds strange. In some personality disorders, this behaviour escalates up to suicide threats and keeps the other partner emotionally hostage. It has the effect of guilting.

 

It's important to remember that you didn't cause it, cannot control it, cannot cure it. This is his mental makeup and he needs to take responsibility of himself and try to heal. You need to take your own responsibility containing yourself in your own boundaries, work for your own wellbeing and drop the illusionary belief that you can do something. That will be enabling this problem, unfortunately. You are not in a position to help him.

 

Also, please don't believe that you are necessarily better off than him in this to the point of soothing him after you break up with him. He may just attach himself to someone else so quickly that you may be surprised to see that you are still hurting for him but he has started all over. You have yourself to look after and your needs are as important as his. Always.

 

You can give him closure and say that you are definite in your decision, say that you understand he hurts but you don't believe that you are genuinely the right person who can help him in this. State your need to be free of communication. If he doesn't respect this, repeat it again (like a broken record) but giving a consequence that you will block him. Follow your boundary.

 

You are right in the sense that his behaviour may escalate. But it is normal in some disordered cases and is called boundary busting. It first escalates and then goes down. If it doesn't, there is a technique called the gray rock but I hope it doesn't reach there because it's a technique mostly used to send away narcs and psychopaths. It is very probable that yor boyfriend's anxiety will escalate first and then go down without reaching this level.

 

If he mentions severe depression and suicide, take it seriously even if you think he is manipulating you. But never deal with it yourself. Say to him that his life is important and you cannot and should not carry this responsibility on your own and you will call health services or the police. Then do it. (Some of us have had to do this repetitively but again probably it will not come to that here).

 

If he his anxiety turns into anger after romance, tell him that you are blocking and then block. And do not unblock.

 

These may sound harsh but they are helpful to him actually because you are not enabling him and hopefully this will lead him to seek support in the right places like other adults.

 

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

As long as you are still living together this will be torture for both of you.

He is lazy, not motivated and was holding me back. His words make me want to go in a corner and cry, because i feel so bad that he is hurting.