What should I do about a boyfriend that refuses to commit?

[Nowornever]

I've been with my bf for most of my adult life, basically my entire 20's were with him. I'm now 30 and he's in his late 30's. I'm at the point where I'm ready to get married and start a family. I own my place, I have a high paying job that's not too demanding, great work life balance, awesome friends and family. I feel like everything is great and I'm ready to be a wife and a mom. Especially because I'm 30 and want kids. I need to be conscious of my fertile years.

 

The problem is my bf is nowhere near ready. He still lives with his parents, he's been unemployed for almost 7 months now and he has no intention of finding another job. He decided to put all his savings into his own business. Which is fine, except he doesn't really work at it. He'll put in a couple hours a month and the rest of the time he's napping all day and playing games all night. I'm so fed up with this. I'm so frustrated. I feel like he's not only wasting his life, but hes wasting mine. I can't be marrie, I can't have kids with someone who doesn't have his life together right?

 

And now, he wants us to buy a house together. Or really, he wants me to buy a house and he'll move in, rent free. And what's worse, he has the nerve to demand his name on the house even though the mortgage would only be under my name and I'll be covering all expenses. I already have a place, I told him if he wanted to love together, he can move in but he wants a bigger, single family. We live in an expensive area where town homes go for 600k so you can only imagine how much a single would be. I don't want to be solely responsible for this. A house is a huge commitment.

 

But I feel like if I don't buy a house, then we'll just continue things the way they are for god knows how long and I don't have time to waste on a relationship that won't get to where I need it to be. The problem isn't even just financial, I mean, if I had to, I could support us comfortably. I don't want to, but I could if forced to. The problem is that h doesn't know if he even wants to get married. Every time I bring up the future, he suddenly has a "headache" and can't talk about it. I've asks him to come to him when he's ready to talk and of course he never does.

 

I apologize that this is so long but honestly, i don't know what to do. I can't talk to my friends or family because they don't know he lost his job. He doesn't want anyone to know until his business takes off. And I'm respecting that and keeping it all to myself. But I have so many emotions and feelings about it. I don't know, what do you guys think??

[Seraphim]

Do not , do not buy ANY property with this guy. Tell him to get himself together he is not 16. I would not have kids with him either.!

[Irishness]

He's in his late 30s and still living at home and now he wants to move out and you to buy him a house and looking after him rather than his mom. That's what it sounds like.

 

If I were you I would not put anyone's name on that house but my own, in fact I wouldn't even buy it. You have your own place why can't he try living there and see how you both get on.

 

I understand how frustrating it can be when your biological clock is ticking, I think you really need to stand up to this guy and make him realise that and make him see how important it is for you to have children.

 

I hate to be blunt and I don't mean to cause offence but if at his time of life (late 30s) he's still living at home, isn't financially stable and doesn't want kids then that's just the man he is, he's not ready for any of it and nor does he want it. It sounds to me like he is not ready for the responsibility.

 

You seem as if you're stable in life, maybe as hard as it may be to walk away, you'd be better if finding someone who's at the same stage of life as you and wants the same things.

 

I hope you get it all sorted out either way.

[limichelle]

Sounds very non commital and is just there for the free ride! I would tell him to grow up. Don't buy a house or even marry him! Let him stay at his parents if he is going to be that lazy.

 

Lisa

[reinventmyself]

Wow, he knows how to work you and you've taught him well.

Unfortunately for him the fog is clearing and the fact the you are challenging this shows you are on to something.

He drags his feet because he can. At least up til now.

You sound like you have your sh*t together.

Don't let this drag you down and hold you back.

You can do better. Believe it.

[melancholy123]

Can you say user and freeloader? This is what you have for a boyfriend, as well as lazy and unmotivated. Why would you even consider continuing a relationship with this man-child who still lives at home, doesnt have a job, doesnt want a job, and thinks you can buy HIM a house and he can just move in for free! This is a recipe for disaster.

 

If you really want to be married and have kids, he's not the guy to do that with. You need to get away from him and look for a man who is motivated, has a job, wants to be a contributor to a relationship and not a parasite.

[Ms Darcy]

What do we think?

 

For me, I think you should leave him. EVERYTHING about him is not what you want. His motivation, him unemployed status, his living situation. He's not interested in being the man you want him to be. And honestly, he doesn't have to be.

[Blue Dreamer]

Rule of Relation #1 -- Buy a home because you are ready, not because of a BF/GF.

 

If you truly want kids and care strongly about your future, you should consider moving on asap from your current BF. Really easy for me to say that, I know, but please re look at what you are saying: " he wants me to buy a house and he'll move in, rent free." Please process that in your brain in long term fashion. It is going to cost you, period. Where could he truly be with his new business a few years from now having never supported himself as an adult? Likely, it is not going to end well with the many concerns you already have 10 yrs into the relationship. If you get real estate involved in the relationship, things will manifest well beyond " the way they are for god knows how long". It could become very costly financially & emotionally.

[nihongo]

You pointed out a lot of negative traits, but what are some of the positive ones? Why are you still with him?

[JaggerJim]

He's a band-aid that needs to be ripped off. It may sting at the beginning, but the pain goes away pretty quick. I wouldn't waste anymore of your life on this if you know deep down it's never going to go anywhere.

[SkellyWoozle]

I was in exactly the same position 16ish years ago. He lived with his parents, lived like a teenager (even though he was in his late thirties. Posters on the wall - yeah, really!) but I loved him to bits (we got together when we worked at the same place and as mates we got on like a house on fire and he made me laugh SO much) BUT he took no responsibility for anything, which I realised a few months into our relationship and we talked about getting married and buying a house together. I had a significant amount of cash behind me, but he took that to mean that it would be ME who stumped up deposits and even at the mortgage meeting he was very shady about just how much money he earned/would be willing or able to put towards the house. In the end I finished it as I just couldn't trust that he would pull himself together and do the right thing. We'd talked before about how he needed to be more pro-active with proving he could handle living together but it just never happened. He just waddled along, expecting everything to fall into place.

 

If he hasn't changed in all this time thus far, it's not going to happen. Sorry. When push comes to shove it easier him for him to sit with his parents, be waited on hand, foot and finger while doing jack.