Should I let my boyfrend have sex with another man?

[Ca330t]

When me and my boyfriend got together we both knew that we were bisexual. We've been together for just over 2 years and 8 months now and all was great until about now. We broke up just over a week ago but got back together a few days later. In the time we'd broken up he had tried to meet up with other men and now that we are back together he's saying that he's not sure if he would prefer a gay relationship over the relationship we have right now. He's said that he loves me and wants to be with me but is really confused because he's never had a relationship with a man. He believes that if he went all the way with a man (sex) that it could help him figure it out and he wont feel so confused about us or his sexuality anymore. This decisions been left to me. I have to decide if I'm okay with him having sex with someone else.

 

I want to be able to say that he can because he needs to figure it out but the thought of him being close to someone else like that really hurts so I cant decide what to do.

 

Please help me.

 

Thank you

[SkellyWoozle]

If he needs to go and "find" himself, then he needs to be single first, IMHO. What is he trying to prove by getting you to make the decision as to whether he can or cannot sleep with men?

 

1. That you love him enough that you'll fight for him and tell him that he shouldn't?

 

2. That you'll allow him to do as he pleases and take him back after?

 

3. That you'll allow him to do as he pleases, be alright with it and still take him back?

 

4. Allow him to do it, mess you about, decide he wants to be with someone else, get bored then come back to you and all will be well?

 

If you ask me he's being quite selfish.... you need to put him straight. Tell him exactly how you feel and that you can't guarantee your feelings should you allow him to go ahead with it. He seems torn to me over what he wants... maybe you need to set him free to discover for himself what's "out there", as hard as that might seem right now.

[pippy longstocking]

You can't live like this darling ... you should never have gotten back together ..you only split up for just over a week and he was already getting with someone .. be it same sex , opposite sex it is screaming at you that he cannot commit anymore .

 

He wants your blessing to go and share intimacy and dating and closeness with another ... I don't care how much he needs to explore , what a miserable, horrible life you are going to have ...

 

picture this ..he has been to bed with a man ..making love to him and he comes home and snuggles up in bed next to you ... not happening .

 

Sadly I think you have to let him go for good x

[Knot2loud]

He believes that if he went all the way with a man (sex) that it could help him figure it out and he wont feel so confused about us or his sexuality anymore. This decisions been left to me. I have to decide if I'm okay with him having sex with someone else.

 

So he took the monkey off his back by having you make the decision for him? Ridiculous!

 

So let's say you tell him it's okay and then afterwards you get uptight about his M/M affair. His excuse... You said he could do it. So it's YOUR fault that you don't like what happened and yet he was the one that had the M/M affair so he could "find himself."

 

Because of your own questioning of it and you seeking advice from others; it is pretty obvious that you don't like the idea of your BF doing a M/M encounter. So I would say: NO! He can't. He is your BF and because of that title he should be committed to you and not be going out and trying to "figure things out" by having a relationship with another man.

 

Personally... I would let the guy go. He doesn't seem to have much of an ability to make sound decisions when it comes to your and his relationship.

[pippy longstocking]

So he took the monkey off his back by having you make the decision for him? Ridiculous!

 

^^^^ that sums it up nicely !!!

[MissCanuck]

Your boyfriend is pretty ballsy by putting this decision in your hands, OP. Regardless of gender.

 

He isn't ready to commit. Sorry, but I think you are going to get very hurt if you give your consent for him to have sex with someone else.

[agent1607307371]

I think it would be better for him to go and figure this out without you being his partner.

 

It's really weak of him to be putting this on you. He's setting you up to carry his resentment if you don't give him the answer that he wants, or if things don't happy like he wants.

 

Right now it sounds like he wants you so he's not single. But doesn't want to give up living like he's single. That's not good for a relationship.

 

What's his stance on you having sex/dates with other people while he's doing this?

 

(source: bi woman who dates bi men. i've also been in open relationships but they were not because anyone was wondering what they were.)

[Wiseman2]

It's not about him finding himself sexually, it's about whether you want an exclusive relationship or an open one. If he wanted to be with other women while with you would you be ok with that?

 

If something "hurts you" why go along with it? He has the right and opportunity to explore his sexuality alone and you have the right to be in a relationship that does not "hurt".

he's saying that he's not sure if he would prefer a gay relationship over the relationship we have right now. the thought of him being close to someone else like that really hurts so I cant decide what to do.

[agent1607307371]

One thing I did note is this is him not talking just about sex, but about finding out if he's prefer to be in a gay relationship. It is absolutely not on you to take the weight of him using your relationship as part of his life experiment. It's gross of him to even ask that of you.

 

I heard saying that I really like recently - Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Don't let him play the LGBT card when it's really about condoned infidelity that according to you, would hurt you. Tell him he can explore his sexuality all he wants and you will be moving on to what works better for you.

It is absolutely not on you to take the weight of him using your relationship as part of his life experiment. It's gross of him to even ask that of you.- Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[zeino]

First off, you have no control on anyone else's sex life, even if they supposedly give that control to you. That is an illusion and if he has needs or wants, they will probably not go anywhere because he shifted this responsibility to you. This may only bring resentment. You need to find out what you want and he needs to find out what he wants. It seems to me that your only real way to say no in this example is to remove yourself from the situation rather than controlling him. Whateversexual, this move would now classify your relationship as a polyamorous one and you need to ask yourself if you want to be in one.

[Gary Snyder]

So you'd let your boyfriend cheat with another person to see if he loves you? Don't you have any self-respect? Honestly, I have no advice, this beyond me.

[moodindigo91]

I'd break up with him, if your boyfriend needs to sleep with other people and he's really having a crisis of identity right now, then you shouldn't be together. He needs to be single and go do whatever he wants. You shouldn't want to be with people who think they need to sleep with other people to figure out if they want to be with you or not, that's a terrible plan.

[ParisPaulette]

Regardless of who or what gender he wants to sleep with, if you want a monogamous committed relationship then I'm sorry, but he isn't able to give you that.

 

It's time to accept this relationship is done, not take him back, tell him to go do whatever he wants, but what you signed up for was a faithful loving partner who only wants sex with you. Then you go NC, heal from this, and find that person if you're not cool with being in an open relationship.

 

P.S. If the relationship is going to be open then you also have the right to sleep with whoever you want, just saying. If that isn't your thing, then tell him that and let him go. It's a pretty crappy thing he's doing in trying to ease his own guilt about not being the cheating bad guy.

[Matt3939]

If he's confused he has to figure this stuff out on his own. Asking you to do it for him is dumb. Let this guy go and figure out what he wants.

[abitbroken]

Break up. Don't put yourself through having a cheating boyfriend. Let him go. He doesn't get to have you if he wants someone else. Even if he doesn't have a specific person in mind. Just end it for good.

[kloosterfooken]

You need to let him be. If he is having strong enough feelings toward having sex with a man then it's a thought process that has been with him a long time. If he doesn't act on it now - he will. This type of explanation tells me that he figuring out he's gay. Nothing wrong with that but you don't want your feelings and emotions wrapped up in his experimentation and it finally turning out that he likes men instead. Lots of people have open relationships which I just don't get. It doesn't sound like you do either. It is bothering you. You are needing something solid you can depend on. Sounds like the two of you are really close. Maybe you should just be friends instead of in a romantic relationship. You may find that you have something even deeper and closer with him if you just stay friends.

[SmileyFace123]

I've known couples who were bi and had open relationships. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

I think the reality is, is that he's confused about what he wants. He loves you, but at the same time questions whether he is more sexually compatible with another guy. Thats a tricky place to be in. I think him leaving the decision up to you is respectful. He wants to try having sex with a man, but understands that if you do not consent he will be hurting and cheating on you. Everyone on here is criticizing him asking for permission, but I think it's the right thing for him to do.

 

Now as far as how you feel about this action is only something you can decide for yourself. No other poster can tell you how you should feel or whether you should accept it. That's something that you need to think deep down and reflect on.

 

If you truly feel ok with it, than by all means let him. However, you really have to be honest with yourself on whether this is going to not cause more damage. i know its scary to not allow him to do what he wants, Bc its easy to think if I don't give him what he wants than he will just leave. But ultimately whether or not he chooses to pursue other men will be his decision. If you let him do this and hurt yourself and feel resentful/hurt/upset at him your not actually doing him any favors bc that In itself will doom your relationship.

 

Don't listen to people posting on here (me included) bc the only person who knows if your truly ok with the decision will be you.

[Scrapy]

Hi,

 

sorry about your situation, my friend was in a similar one to yourself.

 

your partner is being honest with you, that is something that you can respect. However providing that you let your partner sleep with a man, what if it becomes something they enjoy and decide to leave you? if your partner loves you enough they shouldn't want to sleep with anyone but you. I think you should let your partner go, and if it's meant to be it will be.