Clearly strong defense still. What to do with it?

[GregJohnder]

I'm becoming so bull-headed. I have logically climbed out of this rut so many times, and emotion just snatches me back down to stagnate.

 

I live on my own now, so I have my distance from some previous roommates that were an unhealthy environment for me no matter how I try to justify their actions. I need this space, and it feels wonderful.

 

I am easing back into school and doing decently. My job is steady but not quite where I'd like to be. I'm taking better care of me physically, gaining weight back and exercising. I've cut some things from my life that I considered addictive and am trying to convert that energy into something more productive. I want to create future successes for myself.

 

So basically, this is a great opportunity for me to make some new, positive friends. I can become reacquainted with songwriting, writing, drawing, reading, and hell... the outside world again. I can start getting proactive about my future, becoming more financially secure and able to do more things. I can come to know myself and how to control my anxieties a bit better. This is definitely the time.

 

My break up made me more conscious of the kind of person that I feel would be a good match for me, and I sort of eased my way back onto an online dating site with a bit more wisdom than I had the first time. It was mostly to feel grounded about who I was and remind me that other people exist. I stayed off it for the most part, but after I while, I got a message from someone that really seemed to fit the bill. He's a bit far too, so it would allow things to progress more slowly and make those visitations a bit more meaningful. I have yet to meet him but have made arrangements. I'm going to try not to dive in head first if I go through with this as I tend to, but it's just nice to consider that there's someone else for me out there, so that's a step forward. It's not that far-fetched of an idea to me. I could end up with a good friend from it even, someone to explore his city with as I'm very interested in it. I have a problem, though. A little tumor, if you will.

 

The other half of my brain is still ready to ditch all of this and run back to the past because it's terrified of a door closing for good. A.k.a. I haven't let go...

 

Five months. Four month relationship. Why is this still going on? Why is it so tough?

 

In a nutshell:

 

-The relationship was short. We didn't really get to where we wanted to be, but still had fun with where we did reach.

-It was my first, and I feel I was fated to screw up somehow.

-I've come to feel our issues were fixable and didn't merit a break-up. I didn't know much about relationships.

-I miss him and hurt. I want to show him what life has brought me. I want to see him grow as well.

-He admitted he loved me, and cut off contact with me because he didn't want to have to see me with someone else.

-He broke up with me because I was having meltdowns about us. He couldn't stand to see it.

-I've come to see I'm anxious and paranoid and have to deal with that. It was a problem for us. I've learned to handle myself better.

-Anyone will seem manipulative eventually if you are as passive as I am and refusing to stand up for yourself or speak up about your desires.

-I don't feel I'd be unhappy like I was, because the unhappiness stemmed from strong dependencies, and being hurt and forced to face this time by myself has helped me grow stronger.

-He is not going to contact me. It wouldn't make sense. I'm the only one that could make this happen.

 

It's a weird disposition. I'm gaining skills that would have helped me in the past with someone I cared for and lost. So the conflict is this. I could take all of this with me into my next go, but... I love him. I think I will for a really long time. Do I put it on the shelf and accept the permanence of the lack of resolution? It sounds great to liberate myself from these thoughts by expanding horizons, and go ahead and try again with someone new, but I'm still hurt, and (conflict #2) I'm not sure that's a good place to plant something new. What would you recommend to an obsessive, neurotic person such as I?

[rosephase]

How long has it been since yo broke up?

[GregJohnder]

Five months. Relationship was four. I have trouble not looking back when it's more than I've ever had, really. Especially with it being a bit later in life than for a lot of people.