need adivice

[babybou8]

4 with my bofriend for 5 years and we have 2 kids he doesn't help much at all with the kids of house work so I get mad at him and we fight I get mad and say stupid mean stuff to him and some times I won't talk to him at all and now for the past 2 months he says that I have pushed him to the point of being numb and not knowing if he wants to be with me and I keep telling him I need to work on things and be with him but he is not sure how he feels not sure how much more I can take

[arod03]

You know, I'm really glad I'm in this forum. Now I know I'm not alone in this world of problems. And you're not either. Don't let him tell you it's your fault he's "numb". Both of you are obviously not comfortable so talk it out without getting mad (hardest thing ever of course). Tell him he needs to start helping and you'll stop nagging. And see how it goes. If neither of you can, then there has to be a separation. Hopefully both of you can accommodate each other and move on together.

[Andrina]

The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. React to problems differently than you normally do. The other person will take a fresh look at you. When the children are in bed, sit on the couch and hold his hand. It's hard to argue with that connection. Tell him you love him and that you want to be a team and work on things together. Ask him what he wants to happen to improve things. Let him speak without interrupting. Then it's your turn. Tell him that you think you both have made mistakes. Set new boundaries. There will be no name calling in arguments, and saying nasty things will be barred. Arguments are normal, but they can be constructive and being nasty and using offensive name-calling causes a bitterness that will kill any love you've ever had for one another.

 

Make a list of things that need to be done around the house. Discuss who doesn't mind doing a particular chore, and also discuss what chores are hated. Then divide the chores according to the list. If you both hate a chore, it will be one that you each have to do on a rotational basis. If you don't mind doing laundry and he hates it, that can be your permanent chore. The same for him. If he doesn't mind doing the dishes, that will be his permanent chore. Then post the chore list. Some people need everything spelled out, and he might be one of them.

 

You can also make lists for reading the kids a story before bedtime and tucking them in, and doing other things with them. It will benefit them to have their dad involved in their lives, of course, even if he can't see this or perhaps hasn't had a good role model. Whenever he spends time with the kids, even if it's something he's been told to do, praise him or compliment him and say something like how much the kids enjoyed it. Even though it might seem over the top to do this, encouragement and praise is always a good way to get someone to repeat the behavior.

 

If he refuses to chip in on his portion of the tasks, go to counseling yourself if he won't go, to show him the seriousness of the matter. Good luck.