disaster55 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 My on-again, off-again, but for the most part on-again boyfriend of nearing 5 years called me up last night to tell me he cheated on me. The girl he cheated on me with is a good friend of ours since high school, and we've had a threesome with her before. We're both attracted to her, but I never EVER would've been ok with him screwing her behind my back or without me there. His excuse was that she kept begging him and insisted I wouldn't mind, and he's always been incredibly hormonal, so for the past month they've been doing it once a week when she comes to his apartment to watch the tv (which she doesn't have in her dorm). I love him, and he loves me, but we have no idea how to pick up where we left off and rebuild the relationship. Part of me wonders if I can ever truly forgive him, deep down, but on top of how much I care for him, I'm also scared of being alone and he's familiar and comfortable to me. He is desperate for me not to leave and I'm holding the reigns, but I have no idea where to go now. How can I start the healing process? How can I make this awful ache in my heart go away? I know he'd never do it again and he regrets it but all of that isn't enough to ease me. I've been crying on and off since he told me and I just sort of feel like I want to die. Thoughts? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Is it considered "cheating" in an open relationship? Why was the relationship on/off? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 His excuse was that she kept begging him and insisted I wouldn't mind, and he's always been incredibly hormonal, so for the past month they've been doing it once a week when she comes to his apartment to watch the tv He is desperate for me not to leave That's a bit rich. She "begged him"? He couldn't say "NO"? Really? Dump his sorry a$$ and show him you have self respect and won't be made to look like a fool. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 OP, he doesn't love you. Not the way you hoped he did. He has no respect for you at all, and I frankly can't see why you would want to hang on. This wasn't a one-time event. It was a series of intentional and planned sexual encounters, with a friend. What does that tell you about how much the two of them value you? They don't. They value their desire to have sex with each other, though. You won't ever be able to forget this, nor should you. He is not boyfriend material at all. And your friend? That's no friend. Do yourself a huge favour and tell them both where to go. You don't need a "friend" or "boyfriend" like this in your life. Link to comment
disaster55 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 Is it considered "cheating" in an open relationship? Why was the relationship on/off? The relationship was on/off because he was older than me and when he left for college we ended things for a while, but ultimately after a few months apart realized we loved each other and got back together. We broke up again when I started college because I thought I needed to experience being with other people, but after a few months of that we got back together. It was never an "open relationship" and I never said it was. That's a bit rich. She "begged him"? He couldn't say "NO"? Really? Dump his sorry a$$ and show him you have self respect and won't be made to look like a fool. I agree on the "he couldn't say no" part. That's what I asked him over and over and he said his rationality just disappeared. OBVIOUSLY..... OP, he doesn't love you. Not the way you hoped he did. He has no respect for you at all, and I frankly can't see why you would want to hang on. This wasn't a one-time event. It was a series of intentional and planned sexual encounters, with a friend. What does that tell you about how much the two of them value you? They don't. They value their desire to have sex with each other, though. I really appreciate this strongly worded answer. And you're right, it wasn't a one-time event, it happened 4 times in the course of a month. Apparently, the female friend involved was under the impression he and I were in an open relationship due to a conversation I had with her over text about thinking one of my male coworkers was attractive or something. Whether or not that is a lie, I'm not going to jump to argue over, the two of them have been kind and caring to me for years and I still don't genuinely think this came from a malicious place on her part. However, him going along with it doesn't make that ok. I guess I can't just dump him and tell him off, though, because this is the first time in years that something like this has happened, and I've been his whole life for so long. I know I must sound delusional, but he's devoted more time and money to me in the past two years than anyone else combined, and he's always talked about marriage and children and how he'd never be happy with anyone else. I think the guilt he feels from cheating on me is genuine. I know people on the internet are always eager to say "dump his sorry butt" but I'm trying to find advice for how to work through it, like I explicitly said in the original post... Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Have you tried dating anyone besides him in an exclusive dating relationship? he's devoted more time and money to me in the past two years than anyone else combined Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Is it considered "cheating" in an open relationship? Why was the relationship on/off? While that was a threesome and not an open relationship, I think "cheating" in an open relationship constitutes sleeping with the other person behind the SO's back - but if one tells the other about it beforehand and it's agreed upon, it's not "cheating". I personally don't get it, but I know there are a couple of people here who are for it.... ] But I do believe that most people who do it - including just threesomes - are asking for trouble. Link to comment
disaster55 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 Have you tried dating anyone besides him in an exclusive dating relationship? One of the times we were off I did date a girl for a while but she left me for a guy. I think that might have scared me back to the "comfort" of dating a guy I've known and trusted for so long, not that I regret being with him. I don't really have the desire to meet anyone new or be with anyone else or "experience new people" like I used to, I just love him, so I guess that's my problem lol Link to comment
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