I can't choose between ex, new guy or to be on my own?!

[Cake90]

Hi All,

 

I’m really in a pickle and I cannot for the life of me work out what I should do, any advice or help you can give me would be greatly appreciated! I am really sorry for how long this is, I honestly tried to condense it.

 

I am a 26 year old woman and I have a good family, a group of girlfriends and a good job.

I got in my first serious relationship at 17, with someone who I thought was the most amazing guy in the whole world. Of course I was Naïve, and despite my parents saying not to, I was too young, I moved into a house with him after just 6 months.

I came to find out that he was abusive, mentally and physically, and the damage caused to my self-esteem still affects me now.

I left after 4 years, after several attempts over the time I lived there.

I started having a bit more of a life; I got with him at 17 and so for the following 4 years I was a prisoner, I didn’t have crazy teenage drunken nights out or a very big group of friends, and so I started to live a life I had missed.

Out for a friends’ birthday some 6 months later and I was taken aback by one of her friends whom I had only heard things about and never met. We clicked instantly, and started spending time together.

Despite my hesitation to fall for someone again after my last fiasco of moving too quickly, we kept it very loose and casual for some 10 months or so. We completely fell in love, and it was so obvious we had to be together that we moved in together here.

I loved him with my whole body and I knew he was the one for me.

However, he had depression of which sometimes would cause him to hide away. I was very accepting of this as it was a fact I knew about very early on. I always knew he loved and cared for me, but sometimes, the feeling that I was in the way, or he didn’t love me quite as much as I did him was overwhelming.

 

After 2.5 years, I came out and asked him if he would ever want a future with me; marriage, kids etc. He’s such an honest gentleman that he answered quite simply, “No, I don’t think I will.”

My heart was broken, shattered into a million pieces. But I gathered my pride and left him, moving out to somewhere alone that left me heartbroken, and broke.

For the following year I felt like I hadn’t moved on, and still loved him just as much. We spoke almost every day still while he went off to “Find himself” travelling etc. Until one day he called me on Skype from France, telling me he had made a mistake and he had lost the best thing to ever happen to him. I told him my plans and wants for the future would not change, and would still be there – so he would have to be committing to wanting the same things. Back to him being such an honest person, he told me he wasn’t sure but he was sure that he’d try to come around to it. Well of course I missed him so much that this was good enough for me. I moved back in.

Another year goes by and for the most part, we’re happy. However, for the last 3 months or so, that familiar feeling of being in the way, and unwanted came flooding back.

Repeat to the last break up where I asked him if he was any closer to wanting to commit to me properly, and he said no.

 

I was expecting it, and after having this conversation in the April 2016, I moved out in June to another place with a female colleague from work.

 

I was living fairly happily here. I knew that there was no point in dwelling on this as I clearly was just not what he needed or wanted, it wasn’t working and I was not going to live somewhere feeling unfulfilled and unhappy again. I realised in my mind that it was less painful to love this man and not be around him, than it was to love him, and not have it feel equal.

 

Anyway he went very quiet and I barely heard from him. Living with a friend was a great tool to stop me from being bored and lonely, consequently texting him. But with his emotional issues and struggles in life, I was very worried not to have heard from him for some time, so I sent a very simple email (with a genuine reason to ask for bank details for some money I needed to repay from a past holiday we’d taken together) and said that I hoped he was OK. This was August.

I should also mention I had been for a couple of drinks with a guy I met out of the blue. At this point, It was purely an occasional casual drink.

 

The ex replied to my email asking if there was any hope. Professing his undying love and telling me that he has gone to therapy, he was fixing himself, and that if he thought I would say yes, he would propose to me right now. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, have children with me, settle down with me and be together forever. Back to him being an honest guy – This is not someone who says things he doesn’t mean so that was never a question.

 

This absolutely SPUN my head. It was everything I could ever have possibly wanted to hear… 6 months previous. I was doing OK. I was getting by and fairly happy in my life. Spending time with a wonderful gentleman whom I was growing to really enjoy being around.

 

I told my ex I couldn’t answer the question because I was too confused about this whole thing. He said he was going to do all he could to win my heart and then proceeded to… underwhelm me. I really wanted him to fight, try, push to win me over, but so far it has amounted to some poems sent in email (albeit beautiful ones) and notes occasionally left on my car telling me he loves me. I’ve not really dealt with how I feel about that and have kind of ignored it.

I continued to spend time with the new guy and after a couple of months, grew to find him a great match for me. We had tonnes in common, he was handsome; small details but he had tattoos and a beard; a look I have always been attracted to but my ex had neither nor any intention to.

He was totally opposite to my ex in every way except how much he cared for me. I was a lucky girl but I felt like a terrible person.

With all this ex stuff swimming in my head (this last week), and with the new guy showing signs of having some deep seeded feelings for me, it all sort of became a bit too much.

 

I drove myself to a local beauty spot, and sat in my car in silence, just thinking and trying to quieten my head. I came to the conclusion that me letting my ex try and not just telling him to piss off must mean that I still have feelings for him. When I thought more, yes, I still love him. We didn’t break up because I didn’t love him, we broke up because I loved him more than he loved me.

I decided that however true my feelings for my ex may or may not be, I could not continue to see the new guy and allow him to develop feelings I may not reciprocate. I agonised over the decision for he had done NOTHING wrong, and only wanted to make me happy.

I went to his house a couple of nights ago and broke the news, he had absolutely no idea it was coming and he was crushed. He was understanding that I hadn’t had time to breathe before relationships, but also told me that he has never had to say goodbye to someone he cared for so deeply when it feels so mutual.

 

I am now, “single”. Which I am OK with! These men have always appeared so soon after a serious relationship has ended and despite me being wary, they’ve both been wonderful, wonderful people. I’m not afraid of being on my own.

However I found myself devastated after splitting with the new guy, and I found myself at my ex’s house. We slept together and I felt instant shame. I regret going there before I had time for the emotions to settle.

 

Today, I receive a message from my ex, telling me to have a lovely day and that I am a wonderful person.

I was disappointed that the message alert wasn’t from the new guy.

 

Friends opinion: You still love your ex, new guy was a rebound. You’re upset because the new guy did nothing wrong and you feel like you kicked a puppy.

Other friends: Mike hurt you twice. I think you’re throwing away something special with new guy.

Other Friends: I think Jake got too serious too quickly and you’re not ready for that. Be single and enjoy it.

Sister: The you and Mike (the ex) story doesn’t feel finished. It was very obvious to me you were rebounding from heartbreak with Jake (new guy)

Parents: We always liked Mike, he was very honest and polite and loved you. Although we didn’t meet Jake, you really liked him last time you spoke to us. We were cautious when you said how wonderful he was because you have said that about your exes before when you first met them.

 

Any opinions on my next move would be greatly appreciated.

Final thought is that I feel absolutely awful for leaving Jake. He is such a lovely genuine person and I feel like I have treated him horridly. I feel completely at ease with Mike when I am with him, probably because we spend five years together. But I don’t know if it is worth the risk of having my heart broken a third time. If I go back into it with Mike, it’s forever. It feels the safe option.

 

HELP.

[SkellyWoozle]

It might feel like the safe option to you and it would also be the easy option. He's let you down twice, can you seriously consider it happening again? it's all very well everyone else saying they liked him - but they weren't the ones who were let down by him and had to put up with his ways. Love isn't everything.

 

I think you need to take some time out for you. Heal from the break up with both Mike and Jake and see where it takes you. I think you've rebounded twice - from each person and now you need to take a step back for a while and have some "you" time.

 

Go NC from both and stick to it. Look after you. Hugs X

[Tinydance]

First of all, good choice with the beard and tattoos on a guy! HOT DAM. lol Secondly, maybe it's just me, but I'm a very spiritual "listen to your gut/listen to your heart" kind of person. Love and feelings in general can be confusing at best of times, but when I'm considering relationships, I like to just close my eyes and listen to my gut feeling. Also when asked a question, e.g. "Would you marry this person?", the answer comes pretty instantly for me too.

 

What I'm trying to say is, your ex may have loved you/does love you, but twice when put on the line (after 3+ years of serious relationship), he said he could not see himself marrying you. I believe he said that for a good reason. The reason being that deep down inside something was telling him "no". I discovered the hard way that just loving someone is not enough. I really loved my ex and they loved me but we were really incompatible, so things ended.

 

Your ex saying he would marry you now may be just the fact that he misses you and he was panicking that you found another guy. I wouldn't be so sure that it's what he really wants. He knows it's what you want so he's saying that because he doesn't want you to be with someone else.

 

After you slept with your ex, you felt ashamed and weird. That is NOT a good sign. If things were right between you, they would have felt right.

 

You said only good things about Jake and that he's a great match etc. and now you miss him. You don't know what the future holds for you two but will you feel OK knowing you didn't even try to find out? You've got one foot in the past and one foot in the future but how can you move forward unless both feet are walking forward?

 

Also, tattoos and beard. I rest my case

[greta96]

I admit I didn't read the post, just the title, and based on that I will say that when you don't know which guy to pick, always pick yourself because it means you don't want either one of them badly enough. When you like someone and feel there's great potential, there is no confusion, everything is clear. So be on your own for a while, until you meet the one you do know is the best choice for you.

[Cake90]

Thank you, I think deep down I know that I need some 'Me' time, and that's probably the only way I'll know if I even want either of them. At the moment it is all so fresh and feels like If I don't make a choice I will lose them both forever.

 

Thank you for reading the whole post, wow it's long!

[Cake90]

First of all, good choice with the beard and tattoos on a guy! HOT DAM. lol Secondly, maybe it's just me, but I'm a very spiritual "listen to your gut/listen to your heart" kind of person. Love and feelings in general can be confusing at best of times, but when I'm considering relationships, I like to just close my eyes and listen to my gut feeling. Also when asked a question, e.g. "Would you marry this person?", the answer comes pretty instantly for me too.

 

What I'm trying to say is, your ex may have loved you/does love you, but twice when put on the line (after 3+ years of serious relationship), he said he could not see himself marrying you. I believe he said that for a good reason. The reason being that deep down inside something was telling him "no". I discovered the hard way that just loving someone is not enough. I really loved my ex and they loved me but we were really incompatible, so things ended.

 

Your ex saying he would marry you now may be just the fact that he misses you and he was panicking that you found another guy. I wouldn't be so sure that it's what he really wants. He knows it's what you want so he's saying that because he doesn't want you to be with someone else.

 

After you slept with your ex, you felt ashamed and weird. That is NOT a good sign. If things were right between you, they would have felt right.

 

You said only good things about Jake and that he's a great match etc. and now you miss him. You don't know what the future holds for you two but will you feel OK knowing you didn't even try to find out? You've got one foot in the past and one foot in the future but how can you move forward unless both feet are walking forward?

 

Also, tattoos and beard. I rest my case

 

The beard and tattoos were almost the reasons I changed my mind on the sport when trying to break up with him He is SO damn pretty.

 

I don't have a bad thing to say about Jake, but, it had only been 2.5 months that we were together so still really early to start seeing flaws. I do genuinely believe he is a good person though, which made this whole thing harder.

 

 

You're right and thank you. I don't fully believe Mike wouldn't hurt me like that again, and I had not considered that he knwos what I want and that's the easiest way in.

Jake has been really understanding, and has said that although he wont wait for me, if in while when I've had some me time to work out what I want, he thinks we could work. But I KNOW I'm at the stage where if I'm drinking or something I'll want to call him. I won't want to call my ex.

 

I am still unclear on what I should do but I think it's just the pull of love for Mike. I don't want to be with him right now because I don't believe his intentions are true. As Much as that frees me up for Jake, I would hate to mess this guy about. I think I do need some time. If he is still around in a while when things are clearer, I guess great. If not, it wasn't meant to be.

 

Thanks so much - sometimes an outside view can really clear stuff up.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like guy 1 likes his freedom and jerks you around a lot when he wants some cohabiting and sex again using creepy stalking persistence to claim he is going to 'romance you back'.

 

Life with him would be a series of lies, cheating, breaks and chronic push-pull, on/off. Healthy relationships do not consist of romance novel style on/off instability. Cut this clown out completely and go no contact and block him.

 

You've been there, done that with him and what he's shown you is he'll drop you like a rock to check out greener grass then use a lot of cheap schmaltz to get back with you for a while when he's done.

I am a 26 year old woman. After 2.5 years, I came out and asked him if he would ever want a future with me; marriage, kids etc. he answered quite simply, “No, I don’t think I will.” I asked him if he was any closer to wanting to commit to me properly, and he said no.

[moodindigo91]

I read this post because the title described my exact situation.

 

I've been with my most recent ex for about 3 years. It started as a whirlwind then suddenly I found myself moving across the country to live with him. Shortly after, I found he is unstable and abusive. He was verbally abusive, constantly breaking up or threatening to break up, sought after other women constantly, did plenty of things. You can look at my old threads if you want. Regardless, he broke up with me a long while ago. I was devastated at first, but after months I got used to being single. After more months, I started enjoying it. I found I was much happier this way. We still lived together though, I lost my job (twice), he got out of the Navy.

 

Fast forward to now, I have been seeing this guy, I'm mad about him. He's the opposite of my ex, attentive, caring, thoughtful, kind, and best of all he is honest. My ex has undergone a complete change, he's a different guy now and wants to get back together with me, similar thing, says he will be the best boyfriend ever now. I'm weary about it. I still love him, I love spending time with him, and I hate the thought of losing him from my life. However, I am mad about this other guy, and want to spend more time with him. HOWEVER, I love being single and not having to answer to anyone!

 

I think the best choice for us both (probably) is to be single, and be on our own! You seem happy to be single, you were happily living with your colleague before, it's less emotionally stressful, and you have time to heal and really discover who you are.

 

Whatever you decide, make sure you make your decision based on you, not based on how either other guy will feel. That's the most important thing.

[Cake90]

I read this post because the title described my exact situation.

 

I've been with my most recent ex for about 3 years. It started as a whirlwind then suddenly I found myself moving across the country to live with him. Shortly after, I found he is unstable and abusive. He was verbally abusive, constantly breaking up or threatening to break up, sought after other women constantly, did plenty of things. You can look at my old threads if you want. Regardless, he broke up with me a long while ago. I was devastated at first, but after months I got used to being single. After more months, I started enjoying it. I found I was much happier this way. We still lived together though, I lost my job (twice), he got out of the Navy.

 

Fast forward to now, I have been seeing this guy, I'm mad about him. He's the opposite of my ex, attentive, caring, thoughtful, kind, and best of all he is honest. My ex has undergone a complete change, he's a different guy now and wants to get back together with me, similar thing, says he will be the best boyfriend ever now. I'm weary about it. I still love him, I love spending time with him, and I hate the thought of losing him from my life. However, I am mad about this other guy, and want to spend more time with him. HOWEVER, I love being single and not having to answer to anyone!

 

I think the best choice for us both (probably) is to be single, and be on our own! You seem happy to be single, you were happily living with your colleague before, it's less emotionally stressful, and you have time to heal and really discover who you are.

 

Whatever you decide, make sure you make your decision based on you, not based on how either other guy will feel. That's the most important thing.

 

Thank you for this, you're right there are some really strong similarities here between our two situations.

It's difficult because i WANT to believe the ex so badly - I obviously remember the good times, and while he's telling me it will always be like that I don't think it's worth the risk of me feeling foolish for a third time.

But, all the while I'm not sure I can't continue to see the new guy. He's just wonderful and deserves so much more.

[Brotherhood67]

Sweetheart...

My most recent ex used me in order to make her ex jealous and to make sure he comes running back into her pants, even though our Relationship was completely healthy and a far better match to begin with when talking about "serious" things (i.e. values, humour, etc. and not looks - even though she liked me on this, but her ex far more).

 

And even though he treated and treats her like a jerk.

 

Remember what Einstein said : "Madness is doing the same thing all over again and expecting a different outcome each time".

 

And to be fair, you sound an awful lot like my other girlfriends who really CRAVE for the attention men give them, fling from one guy to another and never really understand the true meaning of choosing love and sticking with someone.

 

Men are not disposable items, nor are women.

[ShatteredMan]

I admit I didn't read the post, just the title, and based on that I will say that when you don't know which guy to pick, always pick yourself because it means you don't want either one of them badly enough. When you like someone and feel there's great potential, there is no confusion, everything is clear. So be on your own for a while, until you meet the one you do know is the best choice for you.

 

Completely agree.