Breaking up over getting too close? [Long]

[terribleaye]

A few days ago, I was broken up with by my... unboyfriend. This is pretty long. Sorry. I guess I need to drain some of the poison out.

 

I'm a 35 year old American and he's a 24 year old New Zealander. We met online early June 2015 and immediately expressed attraction to each other. He was just a few months away from a backpacking trip through Europe when we started talking and I am an avid traveler myself. The idea of his travels ending up in America was discussed and we couldn't wait to meet each other. Within a couple months, our attraction deepened. We spoke all day, were incredibly affectionate, sent pictures everyday, the whole bit. One month into it, he described a situation where he and a guy had a connection and the guy came to see him and they ended it - as well as a tendency he had of treating guys like and getting "bored of them. I don't want to get bored of you because I like you so much." I let him know that we were just taking it day by day and it would be fine. Sure enough, it was.

 

There'd been a few times that I did say - it's still fresh and the door is still open so you can go now if you don't think you can get too deep. Every time, he spoke very diplomatically and with affection, stating that he really liked who I was and who we were together and that we'll meet like we desperately want to and things will be great. He would also repeatedly reference how special I was and how he didn't talk to anyone about the stuff we talked about.

 

When he ended up in Europe, it was with less money than he initially anticipated. And through that money he blew, faster than he anticipated. Not being much of a plan-ahead kind of guy, lack of money and hostels really started to break his spirit by the end of his month-long stay. In a last minute pivot, he ended up in Belfast by November where he spent the next 9 months working and drinking heavily.

 

By this point, our dialogue was routine and boyfriend-like. Often times he would talk about missing me, about how excited he was to finally hold me, etc. Of course, we were both on the same page about the opinion that you couldn't really claim someone as your boyfriend until you met in person first. But all the signs were there and most of the actions, too. From time to time, he would say certain things that one would expect an immature relationship person to say - thanking me for my approval about a certain action, apologizing for not declaring our status publicly. During this period of living in a dreary place, excessive drinking, and concerns about money, he became a bit more cynical, a bit more dreary himself, and incredibly homesick. His father, who is a bit overbearing and judgmental and doesn't provide a whole lot of emotional support or approval, and his mother, a doting and loving but also sometimes cranky person, traveled to Europe and spent some time with him briefly right after he got to Belfast. Their relationship was "weird" he said, but he wanted to work on making it better.

 

In December, I had said that rather than put the pressure on him of traveling to the US, I'd rather it that I just come out to Europe and we hop around a few countries. Not only did I make 4 times as much as him at that point, it would be an adventure for *both* of us. He was a bit intimidated by the gesture at first, but we moved on and continued our routine.

 

In January, I mentioned the day I was going to buy my ticket out to Europe and he freaked out. He started talking about being incredibly homesick and having a lot on his plate for when he gets back to New Zealand. He said he didn't even know if he'd still be in Europe by the time I wanted to come (June 2016) and that the experience of meeting him in person isn't worth the trip. Shocked, I went into damage control mode and talked him down from the ledge. I had thought, at the time, that perhaps that boredom thing had crept up and pulled him away from me. However, the affection continued and so did the constant contact. He promised me everything was cool and he was back to normal. The outburst hung in my mind, though. I ended up bringing up his excessive drinking to him, in a profusely apologetic and sensitive way, to suggest that perhaps his overall mood and his perspective was being marred by the constant recovery/drunk/recovery/drunk habit. He took it in stride and ended up being very conscious of his drinking for the rest of his stay in Europe (as far as I knew).

 

When the trip finally came, I was ecstatic and nervous. We both met in Madrid and he met me at the airport. We had physical chemistry right away and I would notice his glances in my peripheral vision all throughout the first day. I wanted to be very gentle, though, because I knew that expectations and presumptions were kind of nerve-wracking to him. On the 2nd night, he initiated physical contact, though, and we proceeded to be just as affectionate in person as we were the past year apart. Even moreso, obviously. Little chin scratches, hand holding, nuzzling, all through Europe.

 

Unfortunately, my father died about 5 days into the trip. No stranger to untimely and shocking family death, I went into damage control mode again. I tried extremely hard to keep it from becoming a really depressing situation, though my mood was mildly quiet here and there. A hug or a kiss from him and it'd go away; he was actually really aware the whole time and extremely supportive. He understood if I had to go, but was happy I didn't and chose to stay in Europe. We had a great trip, but drinking often brought out a gnarly side to him. Once, in Vienna, he poured his heart out about being wildly insecure and spoke a bit of putting me on a pedestal. That he sometimes walked away from our conversations feeling inferior because he didn't come to the conclusion first. I couldn't tell if that was because of my wording or because of his insecurity. He also told me that night he was not out to his parents. I learned a few days later that he wasn't out to a lot of his friends and the vast majority of coworkers outside of Belfast, too. He also reiterated how much he shares with me versus anyone else.

 

One night, we got into a bit of a debate and out of nowhere he busts out with, "What do you want from me? Everyone always wants something from me. Just because you flew me out here doesn't mean I'm going to ___ your ___." I was blown away. I could not believe the accusation because that is far from the dude I am and also because it was so far from what I ever envisioned us as being. We calmed down and went to bed and the next day traveled to another country and had warmed to each other by the afternoon.

 

On our last day in Europe (both of us going to our home countries), I told him that I did mean it when I said I was coming to New Zealand. He said great, you should! We went to the airport and kissed goodbye. Over the next 2 months, he began working several jobs in a bid to save up a ton of money in a very short amount of time and go backpacking again. He also ended up moving back in with his parents. The cynicism and drinking began to ramp up again. Less and less were the month-long drinking sabbaticals and more and more were the few beers here and there before, during, after work. Nigh every day. Did I mention he's a bartender? Seriously. No more exercising to deal with his chronic back pain. No more seeking out opportunities that embolden his passions. His overall demeanor became markedly darker.

 

Not being able to understand or connect on why he was upset and drinking more, I became increasingly more frustrated. When I hit my boiling point, I let him know that I was second guessing coming to New Zealand. Big mistake. This shook his confidence in me greatly and the discussion turned to, great - you shouldn't come, we shouldn't legitimize the relationship, yes this is an easy cop out because you're not here, whatever. We reconciled after this, but two weeks later had a similar discussion. I'd never asked him for a relationship, but now he was getting more and more pushy about us not being compatible because of my age or because I made more money or because I was far away. These things were things we discussed many times before so came across to me as red herrings. This all happened to be while I was preparing for my mother to have open heart surgery so I was under considerable stress.

 

I did end up going to New Zealand and the trip was strained at times. While he did not spend the night most nights, we did spend the night together on a 3 day trip to Melbourne and then a few days later. Through this period I discovered he wasn't out to his family at all, not just his parents, and that his coworkers here didn't know either. His mood would fluctuate greatly. When he would notice he was being kind of ish, usually he would capitulate because he saw how it frustrated me. One night, he reacted particularly poorly to me saying, in passing, that "I guess I'm just protective of you" - which I meant as in, I'm protective of the people I care about, but he took as "You need protection." After hours worth of untangling that, including a part of the conversation where he reiterated that he felt insecure after our conversations sometimes and he would "agonize about it for days," he stated he couldn't have someone "poking around in his head right now."

 

Now, while I wouldn't qualify my words that way, often times he would be complaining about something or putting himself down. My typical response to that is like, "Hey man, you're awesome. I think you're great." or "Hey, don't beat yourself up too bad. You'll get through this and you'll be awesome on the other end." or "Hey this job opportunity is great!" to which his sour response was always something self-deprecating. And not in a funny or charming way, but self deprecating in the kind of way where you tilt your head at the person and wonder if they're doing alright.

 

On our last full day together, I asked him why he seemed to be on the edge of frustration around me. He sat in silence for a couple minutes before stating he was tired and would think on it and tell me tomorrow. The next night, as I was dropping him off at home, we got into a huge discussion about relationships. About the situation where someone flew down and immediately dropped L bombs, about how his concerns with he and I seemed to be external unrelated things to us, that he constantly was being a contrarian about things I knew were right and did eventually come to fruition (from real world facts to facts about us), that he felt like if "everything falls apart who has to fix it? me. alone." At the end of the discussion, I'd made a flippant joke about the fact that statistically speaking I would continue to be right the longer we were together. He didn't like that statement and left to go to bed.

 

The next morning, we had planned to get breakfast, but I figured the way it ended was not going to help with that. I sent him some messages of apology and affection and told him that no matter what, I'd be here for him, and that he didn't struggle with things alone. He didn't respond and I let him cool his heels for 3 days before I reached out to him again. Over the next 3 days, I sent a few messages trying to talk to him about the strain and the fears he had about relationships. When he continued the silence (but still read my messages and not go NC), I asked him to please speak up as the silence only registered as pain.

 

He came back saying that he had been agonizing over what to say to me, that he has an extremely hard time saying no to me, that maybe this wasnt the right choice but he will live with the choice he is making and that it was over. In shock, I tried to talk to him about it. I asked him what he thought was going to be so hard for us, what was the disconnect - he came for the throat and said there was no connection, that he didn't have a good time in Europe, that he was lonely and did what he thought I wanted. I told him I did not buy that as we talked about the trip many times afterwards and he said he had a great time as well as him saying how much fun he was having with me on the trip to NZ. He said whatever, it doesn't change anything, it's over and went NC.

 

Now, I have been in many relationships - including one over 10 years. I am no stranger to how final this situation may be. But the fight in me is strong and I feel the external forces pushing on him have done some fair damage to his perspective on life. The fact he is not fully out seems to be a huge issue to me. His insecurity about constantly feeling inadequate seems to stem from his father's lack of approval, which spiders into him not being out - it's not at all advantageous for him to come out right now. Further, having our relationship continue to intensify set some pretty interesting gears at work in his brain, including what I think is a severe aversion to having to hide a boyfriend. Knowing my strong personality and my counselor-type nature, it's my thought that he believes I would be hurt by him not coming out, him not publicly declaring our deal, and the guilt that comes along with that. Rather than have those discussions, he internalized it, mixed it with some booze and self loathing, and came up with the concept of leaving - something he has done before. Having a loving, supportive, responsible boyfriend is not something he has done before. So whether he could live up to that or not seems to also be a real concern.

 

Am I wrong in thinking this situation could've been salvaged? Hindsight sure is 20/20 so now there's a lot I would say and have thought about in the past few days. Technically he has gone NC, but that is pretty easily gotten around in 2016. Not sure how I feel about being sneaky, but there's non-sneaky avenues still open to me. I have considered writing an email to him low on lecturing and high on empathy discussing the issue of being out and legitimizing the relationship. I'm sure most people would say to mind the losses and move on, but the whole time he was thinking of all the ways we'd explode, I was thinking about what I could do to meaningfully and efficiently make our desires come to fruition.

[MissCanuck]

He isn't ready, OP.

 

He isn't ready for a commitment, and he's definitely not ready to come out.

 

I see that you are a kind and sensitive person, but you can't love someone into being a partner for you. You've been extremely patient but he is being very clear he doesn't want this. I think the age gap here is also important. I am your age and I simply cannot imagine dating a 24-year-old. You are in two different life stages and his immaturity combined with his hidden sexual orientation - not to mention the insane distance - don't bode well for a future. I think you would find yourself very hurt if you continue.

It seems you have also been excusing a lot of other red flags, such as heavy drinking and lying about who he is with. You can't fix his issues; a boyfriend should not also be playing the role of counselor.

 

He has put a boundary in place. Don't try to push it. It will more than likely backfire and you will likely find yourself blocked completely. I understand you care about him, but at some point, you also have to understand that you can't have a relationship with someone who just doesn't want it. He doesn't. Not at this point in his life, anyway.

[terribleaye]

He isn't ready, OP.

 

He isn't ready for a commitment, and he's definitely not ready to come out.

 

I see that you are a kind and sensitive person, but you can't love someone into being a partner for you. You've been extremely patient but he is being very clear he doesn't want this. I think the age gap here is also important. I am your age and I simply cannot imagine dating a 24-year-old. You are in two different life stages and his immaturity combined with his hidden sexual orientation - not to mention the insane distance - don't bode well for a future. I think you would find yourself very hurt if you continue.

It seems you have also been excusing a lot of other red flags, such as heavy drinking and lying about who he is with. You can't fix his issues; a boyfriend should not also be playing the role of counselor.

 

He has put a boundary in place. Don't try to push it. It will more than likely backfire and you will likely find yourself blocked completely. I understand you care about him, but at some point, you also have to understand that you can't have a relationship with someone who just doesn't want it. He doesn't. Not at this point in his life, anyway.

 

Re: boundary - I do agree and am trying to keep that urge under control. At least, for now. I suppose at some point it is possible I'll feel I have nothing to lose at this point and send something anyway. But I digress.

 

There are some red flags that I excused. To me, I sort of feel like we all have our crosses to bear and, really, no one is an island and no one lives in a vacuum. I don't want to be his counselor, but I do end up playing the role of one to many people in my life. One might even say I'm known for being insightful and that is part of what truly draws people to me. Talk about something backfiring.

 

The issues of commitment and coming out (and even insecurity and drinking) all feel so intertwined. He does recognize many of the things he wants to change, but is terrified of changing them. I remember being that way. I remember that it took a great support structure to help me through it. I did it on my own, but I wasn't alone. Nor did the people around me make me feel inadequate because I leaned on them. I admit to getting a strong sense of satisfaction when I am able to contribute to someone's general success. It's something I avidly pursue with the people that mean the most in my life. Hard to imagine that sort of thoughtfulness being a detriment. Hard to process that and not feel a bit like a failure.