girlfriends pushing me away

[ollie610]

My girlfriend and I have technically been seeing eachother for a year and a half now. She left her boyfriend for me. She even cheated on him with me. Not a proud moment for us as that's not the type of thing either of us have been involved in. Our relationship started out great. We'd spend all our free time together and do everything together. She started off a sweet, loving, giving, down to earth and sexual person. Over time she became more intense. My girlfriend has some very distrustful and controlling qualities. She spys and snoops through my stuff. We got into a major fight one time because she was going through my computer and couldn't find anything wrong which means I'm just hiding it and it made her more angry. She's jealous and paranoid. She tries to dictate and control my life constantly telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing and who I can or can't talk to. I have to earn her trust and I'm always guilty until proven innocent. The only thing I ever did wrong was get a lap dance and a strip club for a friends going away party. Which she did as well. But since she wasn't ok with it it became something I did to hurt her and she constantly holds it over my head. This was around the end of February. She's been burned in the past and that's why she's like that and she needs time to trust me, or so she says. Because i'm a guy i'm not to be trusted and i Automatically don't respect women. I figured she'd change eventually but she continues to look for things i'm doing wrong and will make me feel like i'm always doing something wrong. She yelled me today because I didn't text her right back and went to pick up my daughter from school and forgot to make mention of it. She needs to keep constant tabs on me. She's said to me multiple times she needs to know what i'm doing every second of the day. When I told her earlier I don't feel the need to text 24/7 because I don't feel the need to force conversation and I think it's toxic. I told her it's not because i don't think of her and that I love her and I think it's important to keep in touch but I don't feel it's necessary to constantly talk about nothing. I said her need to constantly keep tabs seemed controlling more than loving. She said 'whatever' and I then got yelled at for calling her names. Apparently expressing that you think your partner is being controlling is calling them names. She apologizes sometimes when she realizes she's been too intense and she seems to be working on it a bit so that's nice I guess. I talked to her a few months ago about this behavior and how it's not ok and it seems like she's been doing ok being less intense.

I've been more concerned lately because she's been cold and distant lately. We haven't had sex in 2 months. We tried the other day but she started crying. Which has never happened in the past year and a half She claims its something she does. Nothing I do is good enough anymore. I feel like i'm the only one trying. I feel rejected. I feel like i'm trying to win her affection and i think its bull. I've talked to her about all this and she says she still loves me and that she's just feeling depressed because everything in her life isn't going where she wants it to. She hasn't been getting where she wants with her job, she wrecked her car, her home life isn't all too great and we haven't had much time for eachother lately so i'm sure that's all legitimately stressing her out. All this pushing me away is making me feel detached which is not how I want it to feel. I don't want to up and leave her if she's just having a tough time right now but sometimes I feel like she's pushing me away too much. She's been very sweet, caring and giving in the past and I don't want to give up on the good stuff if this is just a bump.

[notalady]

Things are always rosy at the start, you see someone for who they really are over a period of time, which is what you're seeing now.

 

She has all types of emotionally issues that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. On top of all that, it's ironic the standard she sets for you considering she herself cheated in a relationship. Sometimes cheaters are quicker to point fingers because they think if I can do it, so can everyone else (well in this case she knows you were happy to cheat with her so probably think you're not far off from cheating while in a relationship).

 

Either way, this is all kinds of dysfunctional. I would end it already.

[gebaird]

It sounds to me like she's making your life a living hell. If you woke up with amnesia tomorrow and all you could see is the relationship you now have (rather than remember the good times in the past), would you stay with her? Or would you run as fast as you could to get as far away from her as possible?

 

It's hard to let go when you are attached to someone, but if you stepped out of your life for a bit and then back in you would probably be shocked at the kind of capitulations you've made over time to the controlling monster you are in a relationship with. Because it's been so gradual, you can't see just how large your sacrifice has been. Because she's sometimes sweet (when you do everything she wants, or when she's having a good day), you can't see her dark side for what it is.

 

Let her push you away. Let her push you so far away that you don't ever come back. It will hurt for a while, but when your head's clear you'll see that this wasn't love, and you'll thank yourself for having the courage to escape.

[MissCanuck]

Oh, hale no.

 

End this toxic relationship, OP. Stop allowing her to push you around and control you. It's not just a "bump." This is who she is. She has issues you can't fix.

 

It will end sooner or later, anyway. Do it sooner before you get any more attached.

[nutbrownhare]

Let her push you away. Let her push you so far away that you don't ever come back. It will hurt for a while, but when your head's clear you'll see that this wasn't love, and you'll thank yourself for having the courage to escape.

 

This ^^^. Abusive relationships don't start that way, and they endure because the victim remembers how it was during the honeymoon period and keeps trying to get back to that. It's really important to remember that THIS IS AN ILLUSION.

 

What you're seeing now is the real her, and that's the way it's going to stay if YOU stay. Either she's having second thoughts about the relationship, in which case you'll have dodged a bullet, or she's playing games to have you running after her and even more under her control.

 

Run, as fast as you can.

[shellyf62]

When relationships start on shaky ground they can never be healthy.

Learn from this & move on.

[Wiseman2]

Sadly this sounds like way too much drama for you and your child to have to put up with. She may have been hot/exciting in the past but this seems to have devolved into toxic interactions lately.

 

Do you think her hot/cold behavior may mean she's cheating? Drama queens like this need constant attention and will often cheat/have sex with guys to get that.

I don't feel the need to text 24/7 because I don't feel the need to force conversation and I think it's toxic. I've been more concerned lately because she's been cold and distant lately. We haven't had sex in 2 months.

[amanduhhpanda]

This relationship sounds unhealthy.

She has some issues that she needs to work on because this relationship is toxic.

She also sounds very controlling

 

I am this girl and decided to be single for a while because I realized that I have a really bad temper and know that I need to work on myself first before I could be with someone again.

but yet, she wants to change herself you know?

 

It is up to you if you want to stay or go but I know that things won't be better

 

Let me know if you have any questions

[Gary Snyder]

She has some issues. The reason she has these issues (controlling, trust, argumentative) is because she is falling out of love with you (unless she had any of these issues from day one). It's also possible you were the rebound guy. Sometimes those relationships are temporary.

 

What has changed about your relationship from the beginning? You may have dropped the ball along the way.... look at your relationship and try to see if you have neglected any of the following areas: romance, affection, respect, trust.

 

Now, having the lap dance/strip club, whatever it was.... is a trust issue, you are not supposed to go to those things when in a relationship. But you said she did it too, so in this case, it's fair game, she needs to get over it.. I don't think that was enough to put this relationship on the rocks.

[Iggy5129]

I would be willing to bet she is cheating on you.

[ollie610]

I'd say this was all a very gradual onset. It does look like the way things were in the beginning may have been her way of baiting me into a relationship. Even before I did anything wrong the red flags started popping up. She'd still need to keep tabs on me and if I so much went more than 30 minutes without texting her back (lets say I was taking a shower) i'd come back to a bunch or angry missed calls and text messages. Then I gave her a reason to validate her feelings and it made things worse. I hear about it almost every day. I've been telling her a lot lately all I want from her is more affection and for her to reciprocate my feelings. I don't want to feel like i'm trying to win her over. Her response becomes "why should she be willing to try if i'm not willing to try". This is because she thinks the job i'm in is a dead end job and wants me to look for a new one. She feels like I need to do more in the relationship besides be nice and do sweet things for her and she feels I need to do more for myself. We don't get to spend too much time together between work and having our own kids to take care of. She apologizes for the amount of crazy she is sometimes which gives me the hope that maybe shes working on herself. She hasn't been as intense lately but that doesn't keep from from occasionally reminding me about what im doing or not doing. "oh you didn't text me right away" "oh you didn't send me a picture when you went to the store". She's more nagging and controlling than my mother. Then it starts an argument. Lately our arguments follow the same pattern. I notice that she first tries to turn everything around on me and make everything my fault (even if I was the one that was originally upset about something) then when she realizes that's not going to affect me she tries to turn the conversation into trying to get me to feel bad for her for whatever reason. So nothing actually gets resolved. Last night we got into an argument because we haven't had sex in a long time and i'm unhappy about it. It automatically turned into a discussion of "oh thats all you care about, why do you care so much?" to her trying to get me to feel bad about the things I don't do, like actively look for a new job and move us in together somewhere and also tried to explain how the cold weather makes her depressed so it's going to make her attitude colder. I told her with the way she's been acting what would make her think i'd want to move in with her or further our relationship. I'm unhappy and she's not making it seem like it's worth it. Sometimes I feel like shes purposly trying to sabotage the relationship and I don't want to give that to her if thats the case. The conversation ended with me explaining to her that the way shes acting needs to change immediately or we'd have to end the relationship. We had a nice lunch today and spent a little time together. She can't continue to hold things over my head anymore. it's been 8 months since I did something wrong. I think she should be over it by now.

[ollie610]

I noticed a few people mentioned she may be cheating. It crossed my mind as well. I'm not really sure she's capable of physically cheating on my right now. she doesn't have a care to go out with. I drive her everywhere. We work together so she can't lie to me about when she has work. She has her son at home and noone to watch him if she's not working so i'm sure shes not having guys in while he's there. Mentally i'm not sure, she could be talking to someone, I wouldn't know.

[Wiseman2]

That's a horrible way to live. I hope you get the strength to leave.

She's more nagging and controlling than my mother. Last night we got into an argument because we haven't had sex in a long time and i'm unhappy about it.

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