She's gone, I'm lost.. I want her back with all my heart.

[Griev]

Hello.

 

This is the first time I ever write into a forum, I decided to do it because everyone else is tired of me talking about my depression and problems, but I am completely desperate. I was in a 2 year relationship, now it's all gone.

 

2 months ago my ex and I decided to give ourselves some time apart, I agreed because I thought it was a good idea to have some time for myself so I could improve, work and come back even stronger. I was so exited about the idea, sadly two days after this "time" I saw her with another guy, the pain was unbearable, so I drank and stop eating for almost 2 weeks until my body could not stand it anymore, then she came, she was worried and told me that it's over, that she couldn't take it anymore, she promised not to ever talk to me again.

 

I was completely destroyed, I lost my job, I was drinking a lot... But slowly getting better and better. A month ago she texted me asking me to meet, we had an awesome night, and out of nothing she decided to kiss me, she asked me if I kissed anyone in this month, I told her that I just couldn't even think about it, she said that she didn't either, so... we were holding hands, kissing, hugging the whole night. Next day she told me it was a mistake, that she ****ed it up, and told me she was leaving again. She travel, and in an act of craziness I decided to follow her, she was so pleased with the idea of meeting me there, we had couple of incredible days, sadly every night we fought again when I tried to hold her hand or tell her how pretty she is, she just told me it's over and that she would never be with me. Even though the trip was sort of ok, with lots of happy moments, next day she told me that traveling together was a huge mistake, so she blocked me again.

 

A month ago I saw a bartender sitting alone, I have seen her before, and she seemed quite sad, so I asked what was wrong, she said that she was so sad about her ex boyfriend, because her ex boyfriend was having sex with a girl. She kept telling me more and more, until I asked the name of this girl, it was my ex. I came back home, I was so depressed I message my ex a thousand times. Next day she came to my house to tell me that it's a lie, that she didn't have sex with anyone, he indeed met this guy, but only twice, she said he was a friend... so she wanted me to meet this bartender and her ex so we can talk about this, for some reason we couldn't reach them, so she left pissed again, telling me she would never talk to me again... Two days later, she invited me to party, she asked me to just have fun and don't think about anything, (I couldn't believe it, it was so crazy, after everything she wanted to meet me again) although she forgot to mention she didn't have any money, so I payed for everything... anyways we had an awesome night again. Since then we have been seen each other almost everyday, I have been trying to be super nice, and much more caring than ever. I ask about this guy every now and then, she said that I can't tell her not to meet this guy, but that she would do whatever she think is best. she said he tried to reach her, but that she stop replying to him. I know she has no money right now, so I have been taking care of everything, I bought her food, drinks, whatever she wants, although I don't have much money left either. (I feel a bit used, because I have been trying to be nice, and I have a feeling that once she has money again she'll forget about me... I also have a feeling that when she gets pissed at me she would go back to talk with this guy again.)

 

Today, last thing she said, is that even if we keep hanging out, we won't ever be together ever again. She kept telling me she loves me, but we just can't be together. I hate that she can hold my hand, hug me or be playful whenever she feels like it, but whenever I try to hold her hand he gets pissed at me.

 

I love her, with all my heart, I want to be with her, and even if she had sex with someone else, I should be understanding, because we were and we are not together.

 

I don't know what to do... I feel I have no choice, I'm going to be nice to her, and every single time with her I'm going to do my best to make her happy, I won't try to hug her or hold her hand anymore, even if I'm dying, I'm going to try to be strong. Then after a couple of weeks, I'll ask her one more time, and if she says that she doesn't wants to be with me, I'll leave. Maybe at some point she might miss me and realize what she just lost and probably would like to try again. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, I'M REALLY DYING.

 

Can anyone please, give me some thoughts about this. How can I make her back? How can I be with her again? I believe that I have to fight for my beliefs, so I'm not willing to give up just yet.

[Kaykayxo]

You need to pick up your dignity! This girl is telling you over and over again it is done for good and she does not wish to re-enter into the relationship. Her actions are misleading but at the same time...what is her reason? There is something behind all of the games she is running! Either she does just want to be genuine friends or she is just milking you. She probably gets a power trip by still being able to have you as "friend" at her convenience, but can still talk to other guys. You even stated in your post a couple days after taking "space" (prior to even breaking up) you SAW her with a guy!!!!

 

Please realize she is not someone you want to be in a serious relationship with. She is saying she does not want to be together. Take that for what it is. Don't make yourself look foolish and keep begging. I'll tell you one thing about begging: women loveeee it, but only because it makes them feel powerful. It is not a respectful or dignified look for a grown man to show. After all your attempts and vulnerability there is much imbalance in your relationship. She holds all the cards and you are at the edge of your seat just waiting, hoping she will wake up and "change her mind".

 

I think YOU need to walk away from this girl. She is robbing you the opportunity of moving on with your own life and meeting somebody new who does want to be with you, and you are allowing it. This girl will use you at her disposable until you put your foot down and say NO. I'm not saying she doesn't care for you. I'm sure she does. I mean, you were together for enough time that obviously she probably does still enjoy your company and attention to an extent. However she is not sure about you, for whatever reason. The reason doesn't matter. Maybe she wants the freedom to see other guys. Maybe she wants to be on her own. Whatever it was, there was a reason, and you should respect that.

 

Be a man and cut the line. Don't let her dance circles around you, drawing you in only to push you away again. It is just an endless cycle. Once you set boundaries with her and start focusing on yourself you will feel empowered instead of weak. Maybe she will come back and "change her mind" but I advise you to approach this with caution as she can very easily break your heart a second time.

[trickykid]

Well the first thing you should do is stop spending your money on her, you answered this yourself when you said, as soon as she gets her own money again, she will be off. So first things first, stop buying her things and bringing her out.

 

Next thing to do is realize that she is gone, she seems a bit crazy, being with you one minute then telling you that you cant be together, the she wants to be together again. Sounds exhausting.

 

As long as you let this continue, you aare only going to feel this way and worse.

[Hollyj]

You allowing this woman to treat you like garbage. She does not care about you and is using and cheating on you. Where is your self respect!

 

You must block her and go no contact. Immediately.

 

Please seek therapy.

[Griev]

Thank you very much for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts.

 

I don't want to be desperate, but I think I rather keep her close and be nice to her, and in the meantime try to improve myself and be strong, commit into something, and work hard, I think I will need to find something else to cling into, so I can be back on the right track. I guess, I'll let her miss me a bit, let her text me when she feels like it, but this time I won't always be available for her. I'll take it slow, and try to remind myself everyday that it's over. Hopefully, I might be able to get into a point that I can see everything clearly, and have a better idea to choose if she is the best option for me. Hopefully if she sees that I'm getting better and confident each day, she'll fall in love with me again. (I have been thinking, and I remember something... the day when we saw each other and she kissed me, I was being confident, I was telling her how happy I was, and in a way, without intention I was telling her how good I was without her)

Maybe she is using me, probably not for the money, but because she feels lonely... Maybe I can use her for the same, but I believe the key is to improve myself, and show her I can be better, this time not for her... Better for myself.

 

About the sex and this other guy, it hurts like hell. To be honest I have a feeling that she is not telling me everything that happened with him, she said they only met twice, but something tells me that there's something else that she is not telling me, and I feel that she has been in contact with him, even if she says that she hasn't... we have been sleeping together a few times for the last couple of weeks (no sex, just sleeping hugging and holding hands) and on many other occasions I have been tempted to check her phone and learn the truth, but I decided not to do it, I decided to let her have her privacy, regardless if she is saying the truth or not, if I ever want to be back with her again, I should respect her and believe in her.

 

My heart tells me that I want to be with her, but maybe clinging and begging is not the answer, maybe I should slowly let go and instead focus on myself. I'm hope she'll notice and feel something.

[bluefields]

Thank you very much for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts.

 

I don't want to be desperate, but I think I rather keep her close and be nice to her, and in the meantime try to improve myself and be strong, commit into something, and work hard, I think I will need to find something else to cling into, so I can be back on the right track. I guess, I'll let her miss me a bit, let her text me when she feels like it, but this time I won't always be available for her. I'll take it slow, and try to remind myself everyday that it's over. Hopefully, I might be able to get into a point that I can see everything clearly, and have a better idea to choose if she is the best option for me. Hopefully if she sees that I'm getting better and confident each day, she'll fall in love with me again. (I have been thinking, and I remember something... the day when we saw each other and she kissed me, I was being confident, I was telling her how happy I was, and in a way, without intention I was telling her how good I was without her)

Maybe she is using me, probably not for the money, but because she feels lonely... Maybe I can use her for the same, but I believe the key is to improve myself, and show her I can be better, this time not for her... Better for myself.

 

About the sex and this other guy, it hurts like hell. To be honest I have a feeling that she is not telling me everything that happened with him, she said they only met twice, but something tells me that there's something else that she is not telling me, and I feel that she has been in contact with him, even if she says that she hasn't... we have been sleeping together a few times for the last couple of weeks (no sex, just sleeping hugging and holding hands) and on many other occasions I have been tempted to check her phone and learn the truth, but I decided not to do it, I decided to let her have her privacy, regardless if she is saying the truth or not, if I ever want to be back with her again, I should respect her and believe in her.

 

My heart tells me that I want to be with her, but maybe clinging and begging is not the answer, maybe I should slowly let go and instead focus on myself. I'm hope she'll notice and feel something.

 

Oh my friend, I'm so sorry to read your post. I agree with the other posters that you need to get some self-respect and stop allowing her to use you like this (for money or companionship). I know how hard it is to let go. I was with someone for two years and I dumped him. Three months later, I had started wanting him back despite no contact in those 3 months. May be it's a dumper regret syndrome of sorts. You both seem incapable to leave each other alone as of now.

 

In making your decision, I would recommend not giving this other guy any further thought - it doesn't matter whether she slept with him or not. For one thing you were already broken up so she did nothing wrong. Secondly, he hasn't been around for as long as you have. Don't compare what you had with what she might have with this other guy. I'm glad you resisted the urge to spy on her phone. It was a wise decision as it won't bring you any happiness no matter what you find. What you SHOULD consider is that she has told you she doesn't want to be with you many times. So, even if she's failing at it, she does not want to be with you. Would you really want to be with someone who's constantly thinking of leaving you?

 

If you do decide to move on, give it your 100%. Go into no contact, and that doesn't mean no contact with an expiry date. That means no contact for good. It's the only way you will heal. Suggest focus on finding another job (if you haven't already) and keep yourself occupied with hobbies and things you like to do. Time is the only answer, and you will need quite a lot of it.

 

Good luck.

[jah123]

 

Please seek therapy.

 

Why you're suggesting therapy to everybody? Some people just need a piece of advice from a forum like this.

[Griev]

Thanks man, I agree with you, I don't think I need to seek therapy at all.. I'm not hurting myself or drinking to dead, I just want to be with her. I love her and I understand in a way that giving someone so much power only pushes the person away even more, I should try to focus on myself from now on. I'll try my best to engrave in my head the idea that she doesn't want anything anymore. But I'll keep her close in the meantime, as I said, I'll still try to be nice and make her happy, but this time I'll do it in a different way, I'll let her hug me or kiss me whenever she feels like it.

 

It's sad, because I believe once she feels she doesn't own me anymore, she'll come back. I remember now, and when we started being together I used to be completely off, Is not that I didn't wanted to be with her, it's just that I was not ready to have a relationship, I was focusing more on my work and focusing on myself, and that made her go crazy for me. I believe I created all of this, by switching roles, I became the beggar, now she has the power. As I said it's quite sad, I wish it could be a way so we both want to be with each other, but after everything I've experience and read, apparently there's always someone who has to be on top and be the alfa.

 

I'll keep updating on my progress, thanks for reading me. It's incredibly helpful knowing that I'm not alone.

[Griev]

Also, this no contact thing might work for some, we already went through this, that's why she's back... Maybe I wasn't ready to talk to her, because I fell in love right away, but I might still have hope.

[jah123]

Dude, I understand that you are really attached to that girl, have memories, etc, but remember there are plenty more fish in the sea.

 

You need to be aware, that actually this is over and there is no return. Maybe at some point your relationship just didn't work. There is no such thing as "giving ourselves some time apart". No! If two people are in love they literally do everything to be together no matter what. I'm going through the same right(freshly after a break-up) now and everyday I hear how my ex is doing great and I'm suffering because I'm attached to her and it's difficult for me. I've been through a few breakups already and I know that it feels bad, but listen: You're just idealizing her in your mind. People always do it after a break-up. They tend to see only positive sides of the relationship, however I'm sure there were also bad sides but you're just not aware of it right now.

 

Dude, don't do anything. Just don't contact her, keep yourself busy, date somebody, maybe try dating apps? Don't be nice, hug, or anything. This is not a way to get anyone back. Trust me, in my previous relationships I tried various ways to get somebody back, but it was always just impossible. You may ask why. Here's why: It's impossible to get a gf back, because she's holding a negative picture of you in her head(whereas you're holding her positive picture). That's why even trying to get her back at this point will push her away, because she will just think you're weak and pathetic.

 

Dawg, I know it's tempting to call her, beg, be nice, hug, etc, but DON'T DO THIS! This has been confirmed by millions of relationships that this attitude is wrong because it pushes somebody away.

 

The only thing you can do is to wait and stop contacting her. 2 years ago she liked you for a reason, but her picture of you got changed during this period that's why she broke up. The only, only, only thing you can do after obviously a month or even more of no contact is to show her that you're the guy she met two years ago. But that's just theory..practice shows that it's really unlikely to get back together if there were some issues with the relationship.

 

@edit

and one more thing: If only one of 2 people is trying to get back together, then it's just..impossible. I'm sorry, this is a sad news but true. If only one person is fighting, then what's the point?

 

Anyways, good luck champ. You can private message me if you want, so we can talk about it. Keeping my thumbs for you!

[shiner501]

I am sorry how you are feeling, many of us have been there and it is terrible. However, you are in denial and you need to pick up your self respect. What you fail to realize is that by being "soft" like this you are allowing her to treat you like garbage, exactly what you do not want. You need to get yourself together and put your foot down, stop acting so desperate and grow a set and fight fire with fire. I mean that in kindness and with respect. The sooner you show this woman you are not going to be dominated any longer and show her your strength she will rapidly realize she got you all wrong. You need to go NC right now. Immediately. Like NOW.

[shiner501]

You need to pick up your dignity! This girl is telling you over and over again it is done for good and she does not wish to re-enter into the relationship. Her actions are misleading but at the same time...what is her reason? There is something behind all of the games she is running! Either she does just want to be genuine friends or she is just milking you. She probably gets a power trip by still being able to have you as "friend" at her convenience, but can still talk to other guys. You even stated in your post a couple days after taking "space" (prior to even breaking up) you SAW her with a guy!!!!

 

Please realize she is not someone you want to be in a serious relationship with. She is saying she does not want to be together. Take that for what it is. Don't make yourself look foolish and keep begging. I'll tell you one thing about begging: women loveeee it, but only because it makes them feel powerful. It is not a respectful or dignified look for a grown man to show. After all your attempts and vulnerability there is much imbalance in your relationship. She holds all the cards and you are at the edge of your seat just waiting, hoping she will wake up and "change her mind".

 

I think YOU need to walk away from this girl. She is robbing you the opportunity of moving on with your own life and meeting somebody new who does want to be with you, and you are allowing it. This girl will use you at her disposable until you put your foot down and say NO. I'm not saying she doesn't care for you. I'm sure she does. I mean, you were together for enough time that obviously she probably does still enjoy your company and attention to an extent. However she is not sure about you, for whatever reason. The reason doesn't matter. Maybe she wants the freedom to see other guys. Maybe she wants to be on her own. Whatever it was, there was a reason, and you should respect that.

 

Be a man and cut the line. Don't let her dance circles around you, drawing you in only to push you away again. It is just an endless cycle. Once you set boundaries with her and start focusing on yourself you will feel empowered instead of weak. Maybe she will come back and "change her mind" but I advise you to approach this with caution as she can very easily break your heart a second time.

A superb reply. This is exactly what the original poster needs to do.

[Griev]

I dont know how to PM