Feel guilty about hurting a man and his family

[Hsga]

Both me and him (M) are married with kids. Both in our 30's.

We met online and within 3 days he came to meet me in person.

We fell for each other the first time we met.

We had been chatting on phone but we managed it to not let either his wife or my husband see anything from our phones.

It's only been 1 month but my feelings for his are so strong (also because that my own marriage is a mess, I rely on M a lot emotionally ) that I felt hurt whenever he needed to say bye to go back to his family.

We haven't had the chance to do much yet before my friend told M's wife about the affair.

The reason why I told my friend about this kind of thing is that I was clingy and picking up arguments everyday, so M got mad and he lost his patience, he simply wrote "Good night" and stopped talking to me.

I was heartbroken and I told my friend everything. I thought my friend would keep this as a secret. I told her every single detail I could remember between me and M.

She insisted that I should break up with him. I got convinced by her and I wrote him a breakup email.

But before I sent the email, my friend had already talked with M's wife!!! And she didn't tell me she was gonna do it ! She thought she was protecting me. She was really mad at M and told his wife to "control your husband "

I learned it from M. After his wife received the messages from my friend. I can only imagine how upset/hurt she must be...

 

So M talked to me in the next early morning after his wife confronted him. She had kicked him out of the bedroom and he told me that his heart broke for his two sons. (Mine did too, I had met one of his sons, I know it sounds weird but I love his son.) He sounded so helpless and worried about losing his sons.

I feel very very sorry for him and his kids. I don't have any feelings for his wife but I know I have hurt her.

M hasn't done anything wrong with our relationship. He's a father and he's trying to balance his family. I'm not trying to find excuses for him for this affair. He is not trustworthy by cheating on his wife, and I wouldn't want him as my husband. But he had brought me happiness. He had made me laugh and helped me through a hard time in my marriage. No matter how bad the whole situation sounds like, call both of us cheaters, liars....I loved him and I still love him.

In my heart I wish he could fix his family but I still want to be with him..

I feel this is all my mistake.

I was not patient or understanding enough. I started searching his and his wife's Facebook pages and had gone couple websites trying to find out information like their address.

And something was wrong with me was even after he accidentally sent me his family address and having seen all the family pictures on their Facebook pages. I still wanted to keep searching and looking for more.

He just had become the center of my life. I even drove to his house couple times just wanted to see how his life was like.

I thought I was more in love than he was, And I thought I gave more than he did. But I only realized now that He had to work very day so his responses were slow. He spent weekends and evenings with family 99.99% but he still talked to me whenever he had time. And he even snuck to the bathroom for a few minutes every night on my bed time just to say good night to me.

I was not happy and craving for his attention mostly because we couldn't meet in public as I wanted. I wanted to go ride Ferris wheels with him, I wanted to watch a movie with him and I wanted to have a romantic dinner with him. But when we could only meet on bed it upset me and I became very cranky.

I feel so guilty that he has to face this situation now. I feel very guilty for his family too. They don't deserve it.

I'm feeling very emotional these days after the break up. I also feel empty.

....

[Almira23]

It looks like you are facing the consequences of your actions. Next time, don't get involved in an affair with a married man.

You should tell your husband about this affair as well. No matter how hard your marriage is, he doesn't deserve to be with someone who has cheated on him.

[greta96]

I was not happy and craving for his attention mostly because we couldn't meet in public as I wanted. I wanted to go ride Ferris wheels with him, I wanted to watch a movie with him and I wanted to have a romantic dinner with him. But when we could only meet on bed it upset me and I became very cranky.

 

This is what affairs are, this is why he was online - to get sex behind his wife's back. Did you think this was going to turn into a love story, or that the two of you were going to date and then sail happily into the sunset? It's not and it will never be about love, or quality time...it's stolen time, it's fake happiness built on lies, deceit and hurt of innocent people. I wouldn't go as far as to blame everything on you, he is just as much to blame for all this as you are.

 

You feel empty because this is what mistresses feel - emptiness. When all is said and done, and the man goes back to his wife to play happy house, loneliness sets in and they realize it's all just smoke and mirrors, nothing about the affair is real or worthwhile. You may think he brought you happiness, and probably he did, in a twisted way, but at the end of the day were you really happy? You don't sound like it to me. He masked your problem instead of helping solve it. Instead of you working on your marriage or working to get out of it, you wasted time being "in love" with someone who didn't reciprocate your feelings and who was using you for sex. Now, you are still in an unhappy marriage that you have to deal with, while he is busy working things out with his wife.

 

I hope you tell your husband about the affair, yes you did hurt lots of people but you will hurt him even further if you steal away his right to decide if he still wants to stay in this marriage. Plus, you may have gotten an STD from lover boy, because I highly doubt you were the only woman he had sex with from that online site, so you at least owe your husband the knowledge, so he can go test himself. Then you can both sit down and discuss which way to go, if it's worth working on the marriage or getting a divorce.

You can't fix an unhappy marriage by having affairs, it just doesn't work this way. I hope this is the one lesson you got from this whole mess.

[gebaird]

It's not fun to be in a situation like this, but if you learn all you can from the experience perhaps you can avoid repeating it.

 

Some lessons that stand out to me are:

1) Be careful who you share private information with

2) Face the issues in your marriage rather than reaching out to someone else

 

There is really nothing you can do to make M's situation better, other than staying away from him. He knew he was taking a risk when he decided to travel this road, as did you. Do you think your "friend" will also tell your husband about the affair?

[shellyf62]

I feel very very sorry for him and his kids. I don't have any feelings for his wife but I know I have hurt her.

M hasn't done anything wrong with our relationship. He's a father and he's trying to balance his family. I'm not trying to find excuses for him for this affair. He is not trustworthy by cheating on his wife, and I wouldn't want him as my husband.

 

What about your Husband & children? You didnt even mention them. Are you feeling sorry for them?

You arent trustworthy either! You are cheating on your Husband, and who would want you as their wife?

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself & sort this mess out. If you dont want to be with your Husband then divorce the poor man, stop sneaking off behind his back. He deserves so much better than you.