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I stayed, but nothing is the same


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Hi everyone,

This may be a little long but it really is something I need to get off of my chest. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 10 months now. We did get engaged a year and a half ago so keep that in mind too. From the beginning, our relationship was perfect. I had a love for him that I never even knew I could offer. I would do anything for him, and I thought he would for me too. This is my high school sweetheart. I went to prom twice with this guy; I lived with him for a year in our own apartment; We got a dog together. He has always been the one for me. It has always been hard because we are both so young and growing up together, we have continuously discovered new things about each other and ourselves. But now, things have gone downhill for us. It started when he quit his job at a bike dealership and started working for a security company where he struggled with his income.


By this time we had to move back in with our own parents since we were struggling with money. He only had the job for a few months, when a job opening came up at the railroad. His father works with the railroad so the job was basically my boyfriends if he wanted it. He would be a conductor for the train and would be making $26/hr compared to the $10/hr he was making already. It was a promising job, the only issue was that it was in Texas and we lived in New Mexico. It would be 10 hours from home, meaning that we would have to move if we wanted him to have this career. After a month of me contemplating what we should do, I decided that I would be willing to move. Texas offered dental school, better education and so on that I thought it would be good for both of us.


The next month (March 2016) he moved to Texas. I was still in school and wanted to complete another semester at my college because of the cheaper tuition rates. The plan would be that I move to Texas in August. Five months shouldn't be bad right? I thought moving would be the best thing to ever happen to us. It would really be like we were starting our own lives. Here is where my perfect fairy tale ends. In April I discovered through his email account that he had been messaging some female on craigslist, trying to set up a friends with benefits relationship. He was looking for just sex he told her. Already heartbroken by this, (the same night) I discovered that he made a "meet me" account (site where you meet singles in your area) and was messaging and trying to engaged about one hundred females. One had agreed to have sex, others gave them their numbers/kik accounts/snapchat names and what not. I cried all night because he had only been out there for a month and this is what he was doing.


When I confronted him about it he told me that it was a competition he and his friend were having. They were trying to see who could get more girls to agree to have sex with them. Stupid me, I believed him. Today I realize that that was him feeding me lies. He was trying to make me stay even after he already betrayed me. Here everyone is telling me how I am such a great girl for agreeing to go to Texas with the love of my life, and this is what he does to me. It hurt, and it still does. But just wait, there is so much more. I was so mad at him, but he bought me a ticket to fly out to Texas in May. So I flew out to Texas for two weeks and we figured everything out. I agreed to forgive him and we would just move on. When I came back, I thought we were fine. The plan was still for me to move out in August. I had been so excited, telling all my friends and family what I was planning to do in August. Everyone knew so I figured what my boyfriend had done shouldn't be a deal-breaker for Texas.


After being lied to by him before, my suspisions continued to grow. I could not and did not trust him. And distance made it so much harder. June comes along and I discovered that he had been texting another girl (I will refer to her as O). He was trying to hang out with O and apparently they had already hung out before. I found a picture on her twitter account of her and her friend in my boyfriends bathroom. What am I supposed to think? Getting past this... after all the arguing and what not I decided (again) to put it past us. My suspicion grew even stronger. So one day late June I asked him for his snapchat login info and after refusing many times, he finally gave me it. What did I find? I see that he is continuously talking to this girl (I will call her B) every second of every day. I knew they were friends but I never questioned their friendship. So I told him I was uncomfortable with him talking to B more than he talks to me. He agreed to stop. That was a lie. When I saw he was still talking to her I told him to stop again. Did he? No. So I texted her from his account and told her I was uncomfortable with it. She never responded.



Next thing I know he blocks me out of his account so I can't see who he is talking to or what he and B are talking about. I started following B on snapchat after that. From late June to July 20 she was at his house every weekend. They were "just friends" he had always said. I was very uncomfortable with what I was seeing on her snapchat (her walking around in her bathing suit, calling him her favorite, etc.) that it was making me go crazy. I was so mad at him and he made me feel like what I thought did not matter. Like what I was feeling, he did not care about. One night we were fighting, B came over and the next day on her snapchat I see she is driving his truck. I asked him about it and he said he needed three days of not talking to me (friday, saturday and sunday). Who asks their fiance to stop talking to them for three days? My words never mattered to him so I agreed to the three day thing. Saturday night (I found out all through B's snapchat) she went to his house alone while he was at work and she was going to stay there until he got off at 1 am. He left her a note that said "I can't wait to see you tonight!!! Drinks are over there, games are over there, my bed that's only comfortable with you in it, over there. Cant wait to see you." At this point we were supposed to be together. She was wearing his sweatshirt, laying in his bed. Yet the next day after the many texts I sent him wondering what is going on, he says he didn't sleep with her.


He ended the relationship with me then and every day after, was with her. I tortured myself watching her stories and what not. I was so pathetic, begging for him back even after all this. It was 2 weeks before I was supposed to move that this happened. Almost two weeks later he calls me and says I am all he wants, that he messed up but that were going to get me moved out to Texas and all this stuff. The night before he called me I asked him to tell me if he was sleeping with her and he never responded. I figured it was a yes so I felt like I was free. Then he called and mixed me up. I am so weak that I started talking to him again after he called. This is where I feel so worthless. Five days later I asked him to tell me the truth because I was going to drive out the next week to see if this is what we wanted. He said he had sex with her once. I still agreed to come out the next week. When I came out to see him it felt like my world was complete again. Being with him, seeing him, I thought it was what I wanted. Then she messaged me on facebook and let me know that she slept with him four times and that they had been talking for a month, not two weeks.


She knowingly was the "other girl". I already felt like Texas was what I wanted so it didn't affect me too much knowing this. I thought I could forgive him for this all. Ive been living in Texas now for a month and I love it here, but when I am alone all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I cry so much. How could the person I put above everyone else, do this to me? Why am I still here? I constantly plot my revenge towards him. I tell myself, "cheat on him" "find a job so you can get out of his house and leave him without telling him" but I don't think this would help me. I feel so lost and unhappy. What makes it worse is he refuses to talk to me about it. I feel like there's more that I don't know. I feel like after forgiving so many times he will just continue to take advantage of me and hurt me because he thinks I won't leave. I feel like my world is shattered and there is nothing I can do about it but live with it. Any advice?

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You have given this man one too many chances.

He continues to treat you this way because it is so easy for you to forgive him and work past his behavior.

You should have cut the relationship off the first time you found out he was soliciting women online. He has no respect for the boundaries of your relationship and had both emotional and physical affairs with other women.

Let's be completely honest here, his behavior will not change. He is going to continue cheating on you because you have become an enabler of his behavior.

Please, go back home and transfer back to your school, and give yourself a fresh start. The fall semester is almost over. You don't have to deal with this terrible situation.

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I read one of your old threads.


You are still with this guy? I thought you were going to dump him, because he is a pathological liar and cheat? Why would you ever believe things would change?


he does not take advantage, as you keep taking him back. That's on you. You know who he is.

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The only advice that is of any value to you is leave him. Forever. It's already over, but neither of you has had the courage to actually end it.


He is definitely lying to you about this girl and who knows how many others. Heck, she probably thinks you two weren't together anymore. I guarantee that is a lot more you don't know.


Stop forgiving him. Stop giving him chances. Stop allowing yourself to be mistreated and disrespected this badly. He isn't in love with you anymore, so of course it won't be the same. A man in love doesn't do what he's been doing. You sound quite young, which is great because it means you have years ahead of you to find a man who respects and loves you enough to be faithful to you. Your boyfriend doesn't.


You are both too young to be engaaged, in my opinion. You said he's your highschool sweetheart and you've been together around 4 years. That puts you both around your ealry 20s, I suppose? You need to call this off for good and go your separate ways. He is nowhere near ready for a lifelong commitment. He's not even able to be your boyfriend anymore, let alone fiance or husband.


I would start making every effort to reclaim your independence. He's a total jackwad.


EDITED: Please get yourself tested for STIs as well. You only know of this one person he's had sex with. There are more than likely others.

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You need to take control of your life girl.....you are feeling worthless because you are acting as if you have no worth.

I'm sorry that a guy who once seemed so perfect turned into such a pig, but he did!

If you stay in this situation you will become a shadow of yourself, in fact you already are. As you said you live with thoughts of revenge and hatred. Is this who you want to be?

He has done this to you BUT you also allowed it to continue and you still are right now.

He is not who you think he is, that ship has sailed.

I'm sure you are very young, please leave him and recover the wonderful person you are.

Yes it will be awful, yes it will be hard .....and then it will get easier.

Right now you are just prolonging it and he WILL do this again

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I'm sorry (and I did read the whole thing now since it's been broken down, thank you for that), but I only had to read into the third paragraph before saying ?!?


Someone who went through all that for their man shouldn't have to find a "meetme" account that he made, even if it were a "competition". Just friends my behind. Now that you're in Texas, give that boy a cowboy boot to the behind.

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Neither of you is ready to get ready on any level, financially, emotionally and he is not committed to you whatsoever. Additionally the distance is another factor. Admit your mistake now rather than be so very desperate to marry anybody. Why aren't you working?


You should be working and getting out of the house and leaving him, not out of "revenge" but because moving in with him was a huge mistake and marrying him will be a life of heartache and continued cheating and lies.

We did get engaged a year and a half ago. he had been messaging some female on craigslist, trying to set up a friends with benefits relationship. He was looking for just sex he told her.Ive been living in Texas now for a month and I love it here, but when I am alone all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. "find a job so you can get out of his house and leave him without telling him"
...Same guy?
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