Argument about living arrangements, am i being unreasonable?

[BMTHorizon]

Hi , and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

 

Basically, my girlfriend and I have been together for a while (6 years or so).

We used to live together , however around 3 years ago, we got into a big fight , I left and moved back into my parents.Since then we have stayed in separate places. About 6 months ago, her dad (who is loaded) decided he wanted to buy the council house she is living in for her. When she initially mentioned it to me (this was a passing off the cuff remark, not a 'what do you feel about this') I told her i cant stop her from doing anything , but it would cause issues with us moving in together , as we had started talking about moving back in at around that point. Now we have just had a massive fight because I have told her i don't really want to move into her house , as I don't want to feel like a lodger, and that I want to move into a place that is both of ours together. Now my question is , am I being unreasonable to want to have an equal standing in the living arrangements situation, and secondly if she cared about me , would she have gone ahead , knowing that it would cause problems down the line?

 

Thanks.

[Iggy5129]

She's offering a paid for house for you to live in. That's not a selfish act. Move your stuff in and make it both of yours. In short, yes, you are being unreasonable. Why does it matter that she lived there before? I don't see how this makes you unequal? You would rather waste money on housing than move in with her? Sounds like an excuse.

[Edmund Exley]

She's offering a paid for house for you to live in. That's not a selfish act. Move your stuff in and make it both of yours. In short, yes, you are being unreasonable. Why does it matter that she lived there before? I don't see how this makes you unequal? You would rather waste money on housing than move in with her? Sounds like an excuse.

 

This. Also, please don't play the "If she cared about me she wouldnt have card". Thats very obtuse in this situation.

 

I wish someone would buy my wife a house for us.

[j.man]

Is the home going to be in her name or her dad's? I can actually see why you may not be happy with it if it's under her dad's and she plans on staying there a good while. She doesn't have a say in whether you're ever added to the title and you're kinda getting ****blocked out of any opportunity to build equity together.

 

That said, I don't think she's done anything wrong and I can't blame her one bit. This isn't an issue of fault. It's an issue of compatibility. Wanting to buy a home with someone is a perfectly reasonable relationship goal. Demanding or pressuring her to turn this offer down isn't reasonable. You have to evaluate things as they are and move forward in a way that best represents your interests.

 

Is there a way you could spin it in your head to your benefit? Perhaps the money you save living with her could allow you to save up for your own property to rent out?

[BMTHorizon]

Hi, thank you for your input. Reading my post back to myself , I can see why I got the reaction I did.

I don't know if this changes anything, but basically, when we had our big fight, she literally threw my stuff out onto the street, in the pouring rain, at 3am. Next year my parents are moving to wales so there is my fallback option gone. I guess my fear is it will happen again , only this time I will have nowhere to go (literally homeless). Also, while I have a pretty decent job (software engineer) , she hasn't worked for 5 years and refuses to get a job. Now I have got a sneaky suspicion that underlying all this is a want for me to pay for most things, which would massively set me back in my ability to save for a deposit should the worst occur.so I guess my fears are based around I would have no rights , and would be only one argument away from homelessness.

[luminousone]

I think the bigger issue here is the fact that she has not worked for five years, and her father enables that by paying for a place for her to live. So she is not working toward independence at all. In fact, she is certainly not at a point where she should consider living with someone, because she will transfer some (or all) of that dependence onto you.

 

What does she do with her time all day? Could you see her being responsible and safely caring for children, and handling the stresses that go with that? (Not sure if having children is a life goal?). She just doesn't sound like she has grown up yet.

 

Also, no matter where you and she would live, there is always a chance that she would pitch you and your stuff out into the street. It happened to you once, it might likely happen again.

[Iggy5129]

Hmmm well that does add a wrinkle. I can see why you're hesitant to be dependent on her for housing and also afraid of supporting her. I get the impression your long term goals don't really match up and she seems a bit dramatic throwing your stuff out over something that should have been a discussion rather than an argument.

 

I think it would be wise to hold off on moving back in until you feel secure in the relationship. You should evaluate whether being with an unemployed woman who expects men to to pay for her is someone you really want to spend your entire life with.

[MissCanuck]

I think moving in together isn't the real issue here.

 

It's your lack of confidence in her ability to support herself and behave like an adult, and not act impulsively when she's angry. I feel your fears there are valid.

If you are that worried that a major augment would leave you homeless, your relationship isn't on secure enough footing to be living together anywhere.

 

It sounds to me like this recent disagreement over moving into her house is just a symptom of much bigger problems in the relationship.

[BMTHorizon]

Hi missCanuck

 

Yes I guess that's about right. In my head , I guess I was thinking that having a place that was both ours would at least give me some sort of legal standing. I don't care about the money, I would rather pay for half a mortgage than get 'free' housing if it meant I had at least some security if it all went wrong. In fact , because of this argument , she is now not answering my texts or calls , completely blanking me. I even went round there to see if she will discuss with me but she won't talk. It's not like I'm being aggressive or anything , I just want to talk :S

 

Thank you for your input. It's a rubbish situation.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi, thank you for your input. Reading my post back to myself , I can see why I got the reaction I did.

I don't know if this changes anything, but basically, when we had our big fight, she literally threw my stuff out onto the street, in the pouring rain, at 3am. Next year my parents are moving to wales so there is my fallback option gone. I guess my fear is it will happen again , only this time I will have nowhere to go (literally homeless). Also, while I have a pretty decent job (software engineer) , she hasn't worked for 5 years and refuses to get a job. Now I have got a sneaky suspicion that underlying all this is a want for me to pay for most things, which would massively set me back in my ability to save for a deposit should the worst occur.so I guess my fears are based around I would have no rights , and would be only one argument away from homelessness.

 

Dude. Why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't work, who has and may again throw you out literally, who you clearly cannot get along with for long, and who doesn't have a job or any discernable way to contribute financially other than asking you and or daddy.

 

There is no future in this relationship.

[nutbrownhare]

Hi missCanuck

 

Yes I guess that's about right. In my head , I guess I was thinking that having a place that was both ours would at least give me some sort of legal standing. I don't care about the money, I would rather pay for half a mortgage than get 'free' housing if it meant I had at least some security if it all went wrong. In fact , because of this argument , she is now not answering my texts or calls , completely blanking me. I even went round there to see if she will discuss with me but she won't talk. It's not like I'm being aggressive or anything , I just want to talk :S

 

Thank you for your input. It's a rubbish situation.

 

If she won't even discuss a decision like this - which could have a major impact on YOUR future, not just that of the relationship - this is not someone you should be moving in with AT ALL. Given that you're looking for an equal partner rather than a dependent kid, stay as you are.

 

This is not someone who you should be dependent on for housing, even without the previous history. It would be a very risky thing to do. Your desire to have an equal stake in the property is a sound one, especially as she has effectively made you homeless in the past.