I left my controlling and manipulative boyfriend

[amanduhhpanda]

So i finally left my manipulative and boyfriend today.

We have been together for about a year. We have been on and off but the last straw was when he got frustrated at me for not having sex enough. We have sex maybe once or twice every 2 weeks. I have a very low sex drive and have a history of sexual abuse, which he is aware of.

When I left him, he accused me of using my sexual abuse history as an excuse to not have sex with him often. According to him, if I was really traumatized, I wouldnt have sex with him at all. and frankly, we've had this talk. I talked to him before that I have a low sex drive but I constantly hear him complaining about how he "doesnt get any" he is "tired of jacking it" and how he feels "unwanted". I didn't want him to feel unwanted so we would have sex once in awhile but that isnt enough for him.

 

I shouldve seen this coming considering that the first time ever we had sex was uncomfortable. I was coerced in to it. I went over to his house the second time and he pressured me to have sex with him. I said no multiple times and I finally said yes because he kept pressuring me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt and he responded with "You shouldnt have been in bed with me and watching movies if your intention isnt to have sex"... He made me feel like its my fault why I feel disrespected.

Perhaps this is my fault too. I wasn't strong enough to stick to my word when I said no.

 

He also has pressured me to do things that I wasn't comfortable with when we are together. He had sexual fantasies that I wasnt exactly fond of but I participated in it because he wont take no for an answer.

 

I just don't think that he understands consent and doesnt understand women.

 

I feel like I shouldn't have to apologize for not wanting to have sex often. Did I make the right decision or am I just overreacting?

[LaviaBelle]

You made the right decision. If you kept saying no, that doesn't sound far from rape. I''m not saying that he raped you, but No means No. I have had a controlling possessive boyfriend, my ex knew about my past with sexual trauma, and he was patient even though he had an extremely high sex drive. I was able to keep up with sex... despite my troubles, because I was working in counseling. Are you getting any professional help? I think maybe you should. You didn't do anything wrong, He was wrong for not being patient, and understanding. Please don't let him back because he will try. He is a manipulator and that's what they are good at. if you did it once, he will always expect that. Good luck to you

[OldRomantic83]

Seems like sex was all he was bothered about, like you were there to 'serve his needs' whenever he wanted. What an absolute , you definitely 100% did the right thing... and also, last time I checked... "no" = NO. Borderline rape or actual rape... take your pick.

 

You're well rid!

[Sportster2005]

You absolutely made the correct choice. Don't give it a second thought.

[SooSad33]

This is at least one way you two seem incompatible.

His sex drive vs yours.

 

IF you are feeling this damaged.. from your past, I highly suggest you consider som therapy, if you haven't already?

 

Because.. in Life & relationships, this is a BIG part of it. Sex/closeness is expected within it...

So... if you're not willing or able to give, you may want to look into som prof help to se if this can help you out with your past/memories.

 

As for this guy? I suggest you walk.

I do understand some from his end.. the frustrations.. because he IS wanting it.. but lacking.

 

So.... some things to think about.

[Kaykayxo]

I'd ask you how you ended up in a relationship with such a beast of a man, but I know how it goes.

You are right to leave his sorry ass, and don't look back. Somebody who loves you will try to work with you, not use manipulative tactics or whine about sex. You know what? His attitude toward the entire thing is probably triggering your discomfort & lack of desire even more so! Nobody feels lusty towards a man who acts like a child when he doesn't get his way.

Sex can be a loving part of a relationship that brings people together, however it should not and does not have to be the end all be all by any means. Everybody is different with how high they hold sex on the importance scale. I would say a mature adult in most cases would agree emotional intimacy and understanding and love for your partner trumps an orgasm. Sex should be the cherry on top.

 

I have a feeling if you found a man who was understanding and accepted you for you, you may enjoy sex more than you do now. There is no set amount of sex people in a healthy relaitonship should be having, as long as whatever goes on keeps the two of you happy and content.

 

I just have a few questions. Have you been to therapy? Are you able to get yourself aroused but just find it difficult with a partner? Has this been a problem with all partner? Each situation is unique, I suggest you speak to a professional to help you understand. Some people are also just asexual, meaning they find little pleasure in the act of sex but still seek companionship. If that sounds like you, I'm sure there is networking offered for people who are the same.

 

I wish you a healthy, strong recovery process and that you may find a partner whom treats and respects you beyond what you can offer his penis. All the best

[amanduhhpanda]

I never seeked professional help and this has always been a problem with my past partners. I set up an appointment with a psychologist today and I think the best thing I can do right now is start my journey to recovery.

 

Thank you for all your kind response

[waxie]

He's such a jerk, I think love shouldn't be proven by sex alone...love can be expressed in so many ways...u made the right decision girl...love is synonymous to respect