Maybe it's time I end it...? Interracial, in-laws,

[Trainonexpress]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 3 months. We are both 23 years old. We are in a interracial relationship. It's been a really difficult year but we became strong together. I have been living in the US ever since I could remember and my bf came here 2 years ago. His family cannot speak english, but he is fluent.

 

We love and care for each other deeply. We are best friends and we tell each other everything. He's the only one I am comfortable with and I don't have many friends, unfortunately.. When I was in depression, he was there for it all. When he was struggling, I helped him with everything. Despite from different countries, we get along really well. He is crazy for me and takes me very seriously. He is proud to tell others that I am his gf. He puts me as priority and he repeatedly told me how much he wants to marry me someday ( Although I find it too fast). We make each other really happy.. but I wonder how long will this happiness last...

 

My parents never accepted it from day 1 and completely hate him, despite never meeting him (shame for the family, cultural differences, their little stay in US, him not having a permanent residency). My family is not really the most healthy family in the world... I grew up in a chaotic family life My father has actually threatened to hurt my bf and such. I am threatened to be disowned if I marry him

 

When my boyfriend and I were 1 month into the relationship, my parents did everything they can to break up with him, which I don't want to talk about. It triggered horrible traumas to me and I broke up with him out of deep emotional pain my parents were causing me. I was sent to therapy, which helped me a lot..! Even when we broke up, he was willing to be there for me for all those horrible days of depression. We got back together because we liked each other very much. Ever since we got back together again, I've been putting up with my parents' for over a year because I still live with them.

 

His parents, on the other hand, "likes" me. I even met his grandmother and she liked me.. The family is outwardly open that I am his gf. (posts our pics on social media and such) Not trying to brag, but maybe it's because I am the type of girl to bring to the parents. They think I am very well mannered, educated, beautiful and friendly. They see me as a marriage material. At least it seems because in his family, it seems like a norm to invite the gf to dinner often and such... But we have this awkward tension because they cannot speak English. I know a bit of their language so I speak with them on that, but it is really uncomfortable.. I am a complete foreigner to them, so I feel like they're just being nice to me out of courtesy.. I can feel it.

 

My bf wants me to visit his family more, but I really feel hesitant and stressed to be there. Honestly, I think his parents also see me as a relief for their son's greencard too... My bf is in no desperation to get the greencard, though; he is not tied down to US either. He has a great job working in medical field right now with his working permit. However, without green card, there's limitation to go forward with your career.. We have NO idea when it will come. It may takes years.. But when the day when he needs it, who is the best candidate to help him..? obviously, it's me...

 

His parents are not aware of how much my parents hate my boyfriend... It always makes me afraid of how they will react once they realize that their beloved son is harshly rejected by the gf's parents. I feel so fake being at his home with his family because of how my parents feel about our relationship and how the bf's parents aren't aware of how much I suffer from that.

 

So why are we still together? My bf believes over time, my parents would come around to accept him. His parents have no awareness of how my parents feel.. Well, they knew something definitely happened when we had to break up before. My bf didn't tell him exactly what happened because he knew how his family would feel if they found out.

It hurts a lot to think about this. My parents may be very anxious people, but I know they genuinely care for me.. Lately, I have been seriously sat down and talked to them. They have also the same concerns I have been feeling.. I'm not going to deny it.. What my parents have told me holds truth because I have also thought about them before they mentioned it to me... This is why I'm starting to feel stronger about the breakup.. I feel so depressed thinking about this. He means so much to me.

 

Do I want to marry him? We love each other very much, but because of these circumstances... it makes me really hesitant to think about it in a positive light. I know many might tell me, if you love that person then go marry him.. But I am aware that sometimes love is not enough to keep the marriage intact.

 

I have talked to my bf about these concerns, but he tells me I'm too pessimistic. I feel like he kind of refuses to think about these things and the negative possibilities because he wants to be with me so badly... It kind of frustrates me sometimes because I feel like he sometimes refuses to see them and just dreams big about the happy future, which may not happen.

 

All honesty, I have been frustrated many times because I felt like nothing was stable (parents and in law issue, permanent residency, etc )in our relationship but only our love and communication for each other. I sometimes questioned why I chose such a hard path for a relationship.. I feel like I'm sacrificing so much and I'm the one who is hurt the most at the end...

 

I imagine the stress I'll always feel when it comes to family time if I marry. If I have it right now, why would it make it any different if I marry him. His family would grow to indirectly resent me because of how they will find out that my parents disapprove their beloved only son. I already feel so awkward and foreign in the family activity with them... My parents would abandon me, so I'll be stuck with his family.. I think his family is very nice, but it's very uncomfortable.. I have a big feeling that their friendly action towards me is just temporary. I know in-laws act different once you marry...

 

I feel so hurt and still, part of me thinks "Maybe it would work out. I love him so much... " but the logical part of me is telling me it may be best to end this... I feel like I constantly push these thoughts behind because I don't want to leave him, but I know these concerns will come back to me over and over again.

 

How do I approach him again and tell him about this.. I have no idea

 

Please tell me your honest thoughts. If you can relate and had problem with in-laws or similar situation as this, please share..!

[Capricorn3]

Are your parents concerned he is using you only as a means to get a greencard as he doesn't have permanent residency?

[Trainonexpress]

That was one of their concerns, but I explained to them that he's not using me for it. If his goal is to get greencard, he could have chosen someone else easier to be with.. Why be with a woman with such complicated family who hates him.

They stated that he may not be the type of person and he could be genuinely a good person, but they concern about the people around him (his family) who thinks otherwise.

[Capricorn3]

Honestly, I think his parents also see me as a relief for their son's greencard too...

This is a concern. Maybe his parents are encouraging him to stay with you and "like" you so much because they see you as a means for their son to get the greencard. I can see why your own parents have concerns - maybe they see more than you do. It is not an uncommon thing for people to be used purely as a means to get in the US and get their greencard.

[Snny]

Your situation sounds exactly like my relationship history with my husband. I was born and raised in the US, husband came from the Philippines on a student visa. His family is in his home country and they also don't speak English. My family also didn't like it, tried bringing my ex back into the picture (who was physically abusive), and wouldn't talk to me when they found out I moved in for a couple months.

 

I had to stand up to them. On my own. I had to take drastic actions that they didn't like. I had to mean business to obtain their respect. They finally backed off and now love my husband.

 

Just remember this: it is your life. Only YOU decided how to live it and who comes in your life. Your parents don't have that power- you're in charge. Your are 23 and your family needs to back off. For then to disown you is disgraceful. In fact they would be driving YOU away, not the other way around.

 

But on another note.. I found some issues with your post:

 

Honestly, I think his parents also see me as a relief for their son's greencard too... My bf is in no desperation to get the greencard, though; he is not tied down to US either.

 

This is a HUGE red flag. Here's why:

1. The are so many immigrants who will try to lure girls into marriage for citizenship... And once they get it, they disappear.

2. Him not working toward a green card shows how incredbly lazy he is. Makes you wonder what else will he put off just to get the "work" cut out by using YOUR benefits.

3. Is he on a visa or did he come here illegally?

 

I can see why your parents would have problem with this guy. And you should look at this closely too.

 

His parents are not aware of how much my parents hate my boyfriend... It always makes me afraid of how they will react once they realize that their beloved son is harshly rejected by the gf's parents.

Don't tell them. It will do more harm than good. It won't benefit. You or him in any way.

 

So why are we still together? My bf believes over time, my parents would come around to accept him. His parents have no awareness of how my parents feel..

Your parents may, or they may never accept it. That's on them. They don't have to because it's not their life. And is none of his parents' business either to know how they feel about their son.

 

You can't please everyone. Yours and his parents' judgement have little to do with your relationships. But you don't have to agree to marry your boyfriend today or tomorrow. Or by next week.

 

 

You need to give yourself some time and enjoy dating this man. Let the chips fall as they may. If they don't like it, that's their issue. Just don't worry about what they think.

[Trainonexpress]

Yes, I am aware that it's a common thing some immigrants do... My family immigrated too, and it took us almost two decade y to obtain our greencard legally.

Actually, when he first brought me to his home as a classmate, they started to question our relationship. His parents kept questioning our relationship, asking us whether we are together or not. His father was aware of how people from my race is not that open towards interracial and actually warned him.

But they saw how hardworking and friendly I was. According to my bf, he thinks his parents really like me because of I seem to have a positive influence to him in many ways. He said his parents started to see him change to a better and happy person after meeting me.

I don't think I'm a purely as a mean to get a greencard.. but for sure, why wouldn't they not also see me as someone who can get him a greencard.. I'm pretty stressed about what to do.

[Trainonexpress]

Thank you! It's nice to hear that someone also went through the similar situation and understands.

 

 

 

This is a HUGE red flag. Here's why:

1. The are so many immigrants who will try to lure girls into marriage for citizenship... And once they get it, they disappear.

2. Him not working toward a green card shows how incredbly lazy he is. Makes you wonder what else will he put off just to get the "work" cut out by using YOUR benefits.

3. Is he on a visa or did he come here illegally?

 

 

I didn't want to go in too much detail, but I think it's for the best...

 

1) I know there are many people like that, but I know he isn't going to do that. It was something that I thought of, early in our relationship, but judging by how he has been treating me, he takes me way too seriously to just consider me as a mere way of obtaining greencard.

2) Sorry, I should have elaborated more. What I meant by not desperate to work on his greencard is, he isn't going to go on his way illegally obtaining it, such as marrying off a stranger.. He knows that may be the easiest way to obtain it, but he thinks it's wrong to do that.

3) It's a long story.. but he came to US as an asylee with his family... The country he was from, had a lot of problems with the war and violence. He had a good life and education there as a medical student, but had to leave because his family was experiencing these issues.. He has to wait for his court hearing. He's still a pending asylee, so only God knows when he will get his hearing in court and eventually obtain his greencard.

 

What I meant by not tied down to US is, he doesn't necessary need to live in US. He doesn't feel desperate to live in US, to the point that he would go on his way to go marry some citizen just to stay here. Before meeting me, he was actually considering moving to a different country so he can pursue his career in medicine somewhere else. (Since in US, the curriculum is so long. 4 years bachelors needed to apply for medschool, while most countries outside of US doesn't require undergrad). Now that he met me, he is willing to adjust his life with me because he loves me and wants to spend his life here. But problem is, although he can transfer his medschool credits to US undergrad college, he cannot get into medschool without a greencard.

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement! yes, I know that I can't please everybody. I grew up in a chaotic family life, but I still love my parents and appreciate what they have done for me to raise me in US. I'm 23, but I am still with my parents and still in college due to financial reason I was thinking of moving out, but I can't because I wont be able to get a job any time soon with the degree I have (especially since my path is going to medschool. That makes everything even more complicated because I have to apply and wait for my acceptance).

 

His family will eventually found out how my side of the family despises him for his race, culture, and greencard concerns they have. Both of our family lives in the US.. so it's impossible to forever avoid that. I bet they find it already strange that I visit his home with no problem, but he can't visit mine. I'm sure they already kind of have an idea of it. My parents specifically stated that they will not attend my marriage, and I know they won't. I know they would actually cut ties with me too, which means I would have to associate with my bf's family more because his family loves to go outings together and family time. It's really lonely already.. Who knows how long will their niceness towards me last.

[Snny]

His father was aware of how people from my race is not that open towards interracial and actually warned him.

It doesn't matter what race you are to accept interracial dating/marriage. We live in 2016. If It's legal for gays and lesbians marry, then what's the issue of people from other races marrying?

 

The issue is VALUES. Do you and your boyfriend share the same values? For me it really helped that my husband and I practiced the same faith and we're both moderate conservatives in terms of political views.

 

What I meant by not tied down to US is, he doesn't necessary need to live in US. He doesn't feel desperate to live in US, to the point that he would go on his way to go marry some citizen just to stay here. Before meeting me, he was actually considering moving to a different country so he can pursue his career in medicine somewhere else. (Since in US, the curriculum is so long. 4 years bachelors needed to apply for medschool, while most countries outside of US doesn't require undergrad). Now that he met me, he is willing to adjust his life with me because he loves me and wants to spend his life here. But problem is, although he can transfer his medschool credits to US undergrad college, he cannot get into medschool without a greencard

Your boyfriend and my husband have a lot in common! Hubby pursued a medical career in the states because the quality of training and education is 10x better here than within his home country. There was also civil war occurring that his parents were willing to do anything to send him out of the country and not get killed. Unfortunately they couldn't go with him. Even with one medical degree, he had to go back school for another medical degree (leaving RN nursing) because the hours and amount of work was ridiculous. He's extremely happy being an Ultrasound technician and makes the same amount of money as a nurse.

 

Going back to you... it seems as though he doesn't want to live in the US and move elsewhere. Does your family know about this?

 

Take a step back and look at this from a parent's perspective. If you had a daughter who dated a guy on Asylum status and he didn't want to stay in the states, wouldn't you be worried? Wouldn't you be upset with your daughter was potentially planning to leave the US with a man she only dated under 2 years? That's a lot for a parent to accept.

 

This has little to do with race. Just going by your information, it seems your parents are just extremely worried for your personal safety. No parent who's loved you unconditionally wants to see you to be lead astray by a man who is from a different culture and has no plans on staying in the US. My parents reacted the same way when they found out my husband was on a Visa and worried that I would go to the Philippines with him once he finished his schooling (hubby has ZERO plans on returning, especially with Durente in power right now). We dated for a LONG time and it was enough to prove to them that he wanted to stay in the US.

 

His family will eventually found out how my side of the family despises him for his race, culture, and greencard concerns they have. Both of our family lives in the US.. so it's impossible to forever avoid that.

Both of your families don't have to meet right now or anytime soon. You are thinking too much into this. Right now you and your boyfriend need to focus on dating and seeing where it goes. Give the relationship more time to grow and don't let people tell you otherwise.

[Trainonexpress]

It doesn't matter what race you are to accept interracial dating/marriage. We live in 2016. If It's legal for gays and lesbians marry, then what's the issue of people from other races marrying?

 

The issue is VALUES. Do you and your boyfriend share the same values? For me it really helped that my husband and I practiced the same faith and we're both moderate conservatives in terms of political views.

 

My parents are not open about interracial marriage. We are from a very homologous country...My parents think I'll be a disgrace and their shame for the whole relatives and for the people in my community. My boyfriend and I share the same values, especially since we also practice the same faith. We have many things in common.

 

 

 

Going back to you... it seems as though he doesn't want to live in the US and move elsewhere. Does your family know about this?

 

Take a step back and look at this from a parent's perspective. If you had a daughter who dated a guy on Asylum status and he didn't want to stay in the states, wouldn't you be worried? Wouldn't you be upset with your daughter was potentially planning to leave the US with a man she only dated under 2 years? That's a lot for a parent to accept

 

Actually, my parents think he is planning to live in the US, and he does. He wants to stay in the US, especially since his family is still here and I am here. The country he is from is not safe either, especially with all the violence and poverty going around.. Also, there is no way I am leaving this country with him, even if he wants to. My boyfriend is aware that US is my home and I want to live in the states. Plus, my parents clearly knows that I am not even up for leaving home and cohabit with my boyfriend, so I doubt their concern is that I'll leave the country to live with him.

 

It has a lot to do with race too, actually.. They constantly fight with me and tell me how much of a disgrace I am for choosing someone out of race and "ruining their lives". My parents scream at me and tell me all these hurtful things when they got the chance. They have told me they will disown me and threatened me and my boyfriend many times... It's really difficult being home. I know I gotta give the relationship more time to grow and i want to be with him, but it's so hard when my parents are constantly doing this to me.

 

I apologize if the question is too personal, but how long and how did you deal with your parents disapproving your relationship for such a long time? I'm still living with my parents and I'm starting to wonder maybe I should put off applying to med/grad school for now and try to leave home asap by getting a job because my parents' behavior towards me are really affecting me mentally and physically. Also, was having only a visa but not a permanent residency a big problem for your boyfriend and your relationship? It makes me feel better knowing that there are people who were in a similar situation as my boyfriend and had to start new, but were still able to accomplish what they love as a career!