Need to get to the bottom of this.. it's driving me insane!!!!

[hotlikestyles]

Okay so let's start with a bit background... Me and my partner are 21 years old and we have been together for just over a year and a half. This is my second long term relationship. I was with someone before for two years and I thought he was the one for me, he was my first love but he broke up with me. I was devastated and didn't think that I would ever find anyone else again.. This is when my current partner came along. This was like love at first sight for me, he was everything I wanted in a guy and more and I completely fell for him.

 

At the very start of our relationship, he played hard to get and it wasn't a easy relationship to begin with. I was constantly having to chase him and he kept changing his mind about wanting a relationship. He basically messed me around and I put up with it.

 

Now we are a year and a half down the line, and I am actually kinda shocked that we have made it this long together. This guy is stubborn, and when I say stubborn, I MEAN stubborn. He can never do no wrong and he will never apologise for what he has done wrong. I sometimes feel like his mother the amount of times I need to nag at him for things he does towards me that hurt me and he just won't get it.

 

My boyfriend is very friends orientated, which isn't what I was used to with my previous relationship. I spent all my time with my previous partner and I barely saw my friends. Now two and a bit years on and I'm in a relationship with a guy who it seems like he would much rather see his friends than spend time with me. I have close friends and I am able to talk to them about relationship problems etc but it never seems like they get me. This is why I have resorted to this page here because I need whatever advice you guys can give me.

 

My current situation okay - I love this guy more than anything and he means the world to me, but I feel like I ain't being treated how I should be. I want this relationship to work so bad because I don't want it to fail like my previous one did, so I feel myself putting up with a whole lot more than I normally would. My partner will literally make plans to see me and then ditch me on the day because his friends have asked him to do something better. I think he sees me as an option, and whenever things like this happen I get angry about it and he just says that I'm moaning and he refuses to listen to anything I say after that. He'll literally turn his phone off or ignore me for hours.

 

This weekend - we were meant to do something yesterday, that we had planned for over a week. He woke up in the morning and text me saying he was ill with the cold (man flu right?) and that he was going to give today a miss... now this annoyed me because we had planned this all week. So yeah anyway, i asked him a week ago if he would spend the weekend with me as we have barely saw each other recently. By this I meant Saturday and Sunday. So he bails on me for Saturday's plans because he's ill and I say okay, thinking well maybe we can do something on Sunday still? Well, he then messages me to say his friends asked him to do something with him on Sunday so he won't be seeing me then anymore either. Now this leaves me with nothing to do as it's too late notice to ask any of my friends to do something and as I thought we had already planned something I was really annoyed.

Anyway, I go over to his house Saturday night and he just complains all night about how ill he is and we go to bed really early. We then wake up this morning at 8 because he's going away with his friends for the day. All of a sudden, he feels better? He tells me he'll come round and see me when he gets home Sunday night. So I wait and wait for him to message me. 7 o'clock and he hasn't messaged me all day long. He then messages me at 8 saying he's just got home and he doesn't feel well, I tell him I've waited all night to see him and he just ignores me and says he's really ill.

 

So this is my point - this guy cancels our plans that I made for us at the weekend and leaves me with nothing to do the whole entire weekend because he is ill? Im mad and I say something about it and all he says is 'you should understand I'm ill' .. okay yes I get that, but how come he's well enough to go do something with his friends but not well enough to see me? I have spent my whole weekend feeling down because of this guy, and he couldn't even seem to care.

 

I went round his house on Saturday night INSTEAD of going out with my friends who asked because I wanted to see him and didn't want to ditch him as we'd made plans. He spends the night moaning about being ill and sucking up to me. I make him soup etc and do everything for him while he lies on the couch feeling sorry for himself. This is how he repays me?

 

This is just an example of the attitude he has towards me near enough 7 days a week. I put up with this because I love this guy, and when he isn't being selfish towards me - everything is amazing and this is the guy I can see myself settling with, but it seems he is just used to me doing absolutely everything for him and I never ever let him down.. he just thinks it's okay to let me down. As each time it happens, he'll just say sorry, tell me he loves me again and he gets away with it.

 

What can I do to teach him a lesson? To make him realise that it's actually NOT okay to treat me this way. I always put 100% into our relationship and I'm pretty damn good to him. Whereas he is only putting in 25% it seems. He tells me he loves me and he just wants to be a normal 21 year old guy who can do whatever he pleases and still have me at his side, which is fine, but why do I feel like he is just taking advantage of me and the way that I feel? Is this just a typical guy thing? I've no idea. He isn't a bad boyfriend or a bad person, I think he just has issues with letting me in and opening up to me. He thinks that I'll never leave him and he can do as he pleases.

 

Do I just need to chill out. Whenever I try and speak up about it to him, he just tells me I need to chill out and stop getting stressed over nothing, he thinks that I over react, and that he isn't doing anything wrong, but he just neglects my feelings as he doesn't care to listen. He doesn't like arguing or confrontation, so how else do I make him see? I have thought so many times about just backing off and seeing if he really notices when I stop doing the things that I always do for him, but I don't want to play games either.

 

Any advice would be perfect for me thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he is avoiding things in a passive-aggressive manner rather than communicating to you that he just didn't want to go with you. Sadly, over-investing in one-sided relationships will leave you feeling very frustrated.

 

By continually putting up with it you are teaching him the lesson that you'll stay no matter what he does or how he treats you.

 

Get busy with your own life, friends, family, interests, etc. don't be as dependent, clingy or continually make him the center of your universe.

I was constantly having to chase him and he kept changing his mind about wanting a relationship. I put up with this because I love this guy, and when he isn't being selfish towards me . me doing absolutely everything for him. Whereas he is only putting in 25% it seems.

...same guy?

[hotlikestyles]

Can I also add , this guy isn't really the type that sits on his phone for hours a day texting either. We've fell out quite a few times because he won't text me back etc for hours and hours.. we don't argue about anything important really. It just seems to be such silly things that could easily be forgotten about. I just get annoyed because it's like he has a serious lack of respect for me. We will literally fall out and he'll be so mean towards me and then the next day, he'll come see me and act like nothing ever happened.

 

. Is that a good thing? I don't know because I feel like he is just failing to understand how I feel every single time and then he goes ahead and does the same thing to me again later down the line. I am happy with him otherwise I wouldn't be with him. I just don't know if Im doing too much for him? I'm not stupid and I know when you should leave a guy if he isn't making you happy anymore etc.. but it's really not that he isn't making me happy. I don't know what it is.

[SkellyWoozle]

Well, if I'm honest, it doesn't seem like much has changed since the start of your relationship.... you're still doing all the chasing. Seems to me like he's got the best of both worlds. A woman who waits on him hand, foot and finger and who waits for him to come back from spending the weekend with his mates. If that had been me, I would have gone out ANYWHERE to prove a point - not stayed at home and sulked and the I would have come back home, got my stuff together leaving a note (or maybe not) saying "Bye". He's playing with you, messing you about, using you as a fall back option and from the start you've allowed it to happen. You have two choices... put up with it, or ship out. After a year and a half he's not going to change, IMHO. He's only perfect to you when he's getting what he wants!!

[hotlikestyles]

Thank you for your message.

 

Yeah, you got me. Same guy.

 

A lot has changed since then. We have previously just been away on holiday abroad together where I completely saw a different side to him when it was just the two of us. It made me realise the relationship was worth fighting for and we became really close.

 

It just seems we have grew apart again. I do everything for this guy, and I mean everything. He could literally do anything to hurt me and I would be right by his side telling him I'm sorry. He has me literally where he wants me and he knows this. He can be vile sometimes, and farts etc all the time and doesn't make an effort with his appearance etc, and I will still love him no matter what. I can literally see no bad in this guy.

 

I was a doormat in my last relationship and I refuse to let it happen to me again. I don't want to break up with this guy by any means, but he is literally steering me towards doing it. I think he's very immature as this is his first serious relationship and he always makes little threats when we argue about breaking up with me but I don't think he quite realised what he's doing, because it's not until he has calmed down that he realises he's making a mistake and then he comes running back and tells me that he didn't mean any of it. I need to make him understand that I'm serious about not being treated this way anymore or I will literally leave him. But how?

[trickykid]

No I think what you need to do is take a hardline approach, tell him its not on to make plans then dump all of them just to be with his friends. Tell him you are not an option, he either sorts himself out or your done.

 

He sounds like a complete moron.

 

I would be like you in a way, if I made plans with someone and then they made other plans with their friends and then text me on the day to say they couldnt make it because they were going out with their friends and if this was an ongoing thing, I wouldnt be too happy about it and I would make sure they knew about it too.

 

I would say say you are going to have to come to a decision soon, either let this guy have his friends or just be quiet, i dont think being quiet is going to suit you to be honest. maybe you need to find someone who respects you.

[hotlikestyles]

No I think what you need to do is take a hardline approach, tell him its not on to make plans then dump all of them just to be with his friends. Tell him you are not an option, he either sorts himself out or your done.

 

He sounds like a complete moron.

 

I would be like you in a way, if I made plans with someone and then they made other plans with their friends and then text me on the day to say they couldnt make it because they were going out with their friends and if this was an ongoing thing, I wouldnt be too happy about it and I would make sure they knew about it too.

 

I would say say you are going to have to come to a decision soon, either let this guy have his friends or just be quiet, i dont think being quiet is going to suit you to be honest. maybe you need to find someone who respects you.

 

 

Thank you for this reply trickykid.

 

I definitely agree with what you're saying. You can't just have your cake and eat it. I don't want to keep him from seeing his friends because that's just not me. My previous partner stopped me from doing that and I don't want to be controlling by any means, but I just think there comes a point when someone is plain sailing taking the piss out of you and this is what it feels like to me.

 

It's the most frustrating thing because I know deep down that he really does love me and by god, I know he'd be completely LOST without me, I am like his right arm at times, but he just seems to have a serious lack of respect towards me for all I do for him. I don't know if this just comes from a guy who thinks the world owes him something or that I should just be his servant? Maybe if he had another girlfriend, he'd see how lucky he is with this one and she wouldn't be as stupid to stick around.

[hotlikestyles]

Well, if I'm honest, it doesn't seem like much has changed since the start of your relationship.... you're still doing all the chasing. Seems to me like he's got the best of both worlds. A woman who waits on him hand, foot and finger and who waits for him to come back from spending the weekend with his mates. If that had been me, I would have gone out ANYWHERE to prove a point - not stayed at home and sulked and the I would have come back home, got my stuff together leaving a note (or maybe not) saying "Bye". He's playing with you, messing you about, using you as a fall back option and from the start you've allowed it to happen. You have two choices... put up with it, or ship out. After a year and a half he's not going to change, IMHO. He's only perfect to you when he's getting what he wants!!

 

Thank you skellywoozle for your comment. I understand what you are saying. I have tried this approach before. There has been the odd occasion where I have got my friends together and went out on the town instead of seeing him in hope to piss him off, but even then it didn't really work and I didn't even get the type of reaction I was hoping for. This guy is so laid back it's unreal. I would think after a year and a half that he would realise what he has and stop being so stupid as he will most definitely lose it if it continues.

 

He wants to play games and have me at his demand, I just wish I was as good as him at playing his game, but I'm not the type. I don't want to say I'm too good for him, but sometimes I feel that way.

 

Just know that whenever I stop doing things for him, hoping to get a reaction from him. It just makes things even more distant.

[jujusamples]

I'm just going to be brutally honest with you. It just seems from what I've read on your post that you are a doormat and he steps on you whenever he feels.

 

Over the course of your relationship, I think the mistake you made is that you gave more than he did. You are now feeling resentment because you have always gave and he's not returning.

 

To make it more simple, he's just not that into you. He may really like you, but he's not that into you. A man whom loves and respect you will make time for you. You will be his priority not his backup. I've learned and grown from my previous relationship that a good foundation to a relationship requires balance. Your relationship is very one-sided. He could be a good person, but right now, you are not his priority, it's his friends. I know you want him to make you a priority, but you have to realize that, it's also out of your control. You could only control what you do and not him.

 

That being said, you could want and do all these things to keep him, but at the end of the day, one of you is going to be very miserable. Honestly, I wouldn't have put up with someone ditching me for a second. I understand that sometimes things comes up, but if it's a regular occurrence, I'm out the door. It also goes with friends as well. My point is, if you love yourself, you will never let ANYONE treat you that way. That's just my advice, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I'd leave and do things for myself. You have to love and respect yourself before others could.

[hotlikestyles]

The most frustrating part about all this guys is whenever we talk about this, it's ALWAYS over text. Because as soon as I see him face to face, I can't stop smiling and he knows that he has me exactly where he wants me. I wish I had it in me to sit him down without all the jokes and laughter and just tell him how I feel, but every time I look into his eyes and the way he looks at me , I feel all dreamy again and it's like everything we just argued about is totally forgotten. First person I've ever had that with which is why it's so hard to give up. We never argue in person.

[hotlikestyles]

I'm just going to be brutally honest with you. It just seems from what I've read on your post that you are a doormat and he steps on you whenever he feels.

 

Over the course of your relationship, I think the mistake you made is that you gave more than he did. You are now feeling resentment because you have always gave and he's not returning.

 

To make it more simple, he's just not that into you. He may really like you, but he's not that into you. A man whom loves and respect you will make time for you. You will be his priority not his backup. I've learned and grown from my previous relationship that a good foundation to a relationship requires balance. Your relationship is very one-sided. He could be a good person, but right now, you are not his priority, it's his friends. I know you want him to make you a priority, but you have to realize that, it's also out of your control. You could only control what you do and not him.

 

That being said, you could want and do all these things to keep him, but at the end of the day, one of you is going to be very miserable. Honestly, I wouldn't have put up with someone ditching me for a second. I understand that sometimes things comes up, but if it's a regular occurrence, I'm out the door. It also goes with friends as well. My point is, if you love yourself, you will never let ANYONE treat you that way. That's just my advice, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I'd leave and do things for myself. You have to love and respect yourself before others could.

 

Hello, thank you for this comment. I know sometimes being brutally honest is the only way that you can understand things. I get what you are saying I do , and I do agree with you aswell. Just my problem is that I don't want to end up leaving him just because I'm mad at him for seeing his friends. My previous boyfriend never let me see my friends, and this is why whenever my current boyfriend mentions seeing his friends.. I never want to tow the line and tell him he can't because he needs to see me. I don't know how to go about it, because I don't want him to think I'm controlling and not letting him do what he wants. I just think there's a huge difference between seeing your friends and doing what you want in a relationship, and clearly taking the piss and thinking you can pick someone up and drop them when there's nothing better to do.

[trickykid]

Thank you skellywoozle for your comment. I understand what you are saying. I have tried this approach before. There has been the odd occasion where I have got my friends together and went out on the town instead of seeing him in hope to piss him off, but even then it didn't really work and I didn't even get the type of reaction I was hoping for. This guy is so laid back it's unreal. I would think after a year and a half that he would realise what he has and stop being so stupid as he will most definitely lose it if it continues.

 

He wants to play games and have me at his demand, I just wish I was as good as him at playing his game, but I'm not the type. I don't want to say I'm too good for him, but sometimes I feel that way.

 

Just know that whenever I stop doing things for him, hoping to get a reaction from him. It just makes things even more distant.

 

I was just getting ready to post something like this. My ex was like youre boyfriend, in a way. She would make plans, then break them minutes before or an hour after we were supposed to meet up, sometimes she wouldnt even ring at all. When I would ring, the phone would ring out or just be turned off and then she would come up with the stupidest excuses or just plain deny we had any plans at all.

 

I soon decided that the only way i could be with her was to be like her. So this went on for 7 years! Eventually I decided it would have been easier to have a bit of repect for myself and broken up at the beginning. Its a long story, I wont go into it now.

 

So your story rings similar to mine, I would advise you just decide whats best for you, you can try beat him at his own game but betray your own morals and principles or you can just decide its easier in the long run to cut your losses now and be happy. If you were to ask me, i say to you to cut your losses, walk away with your head held high and your morals and principles intact.

[hotlikestyles]

I was just getting ready to post something like this. My ex was like youre boyfriend, in a way. She would make plans, then break them minutes before or an hour after we were supposed to meet up, sometimes she wouldnt even ring at all. When I would ring, the phone would ring out or just be turned off and then she would come up with the stupidest excuses or just plain deny we had any plans at all.

 

I soon decided that the only way i could be with her was to be like her. So this went on for 7 years! Eventually I decided it would have been easier to have a bit of repect for myself and broken up at the beginning. Its a long story, I wont go into it now.

 

So your story rings similar to mine, I would advise you just decide whats best for you, you can try beat him at his own game but betray your own morals and principles or you can just decide its easier in the long run to cut your losses now and be happy. If you were to ask me, i say to you to cut your losses, walk away with your head held high and your morals and principles intact.

 

Thank you. I can't describe how much better it feels already just to hear someone else's opinion. You end up driving yourself nuts because you think it's your fault and you are going insane haha.

 

I'm at the end of my tail, can't imagine a life without this guy, but I can't keep doing this to myself either. He needs to realise he cant treat me this way, and sometimes he's gonna need to miss out on seeing his friends if he wants to take his relationship seriously because he's not a 21 year old boy who can go out and do what he wants and see his friends whenever he wants.. if he wants to do that then fine go ahead, but don't drag me along with it.

 

I am old enough now to know that I deserve the same amount of effort that I put into my relationship back. I always told myself after the last that I wouldn't stand for anything less than what I deserve and here I am.

[IAmFCA]

I dated a guy like this too.

 

There was no cure besides NC.

[boltnrun]

First of all, according to you, you had to "beg him back".

 

Why do you think you'd have to beg him back if he truly loved you?

 

And yes, you are a doormat. Sorry, but it's obvious. And I'm sure he knows it too.

 

He is not going to change. HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

 

So, do you want to continue being a doormat? This relationship will continue EXACTLY AS IT IS for as long as you stay. Either you're OK with that or you're not.

 

You have two choices: accept him and the relationship EXACTLY AS IT IS, or leave the relationship.

[hotlikestyles]

Okay so here's an update..

 

We have argued since yesterday. He was meant to come and see me last night and he didn't end up getting home till later then just went to sleep so he didn't bother. We argue all day today and he just ignores my texts and doesn't bother. I then ask if he wants to come round tonight and I'll make tea as this is my only day off through this week. (I work 12 hour shifts so I come straight home from work and go to bed) he has just told me that he's going to go round to his friends tonight again, the friend that he spent all day yesterday with. The friend that he ditched me for at the weekend and cancelled our plans to go out with.

 

I'm in a flood of tears and the anger is literally crawling all over me. I want to punch this guy in the face, or scream or do something. Even after everything he has done to me this weeknd, I give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he can come round tonight as I won't see him till Friday after then, and he tells me he's going round his friends.

 

I obviously said I'm annoyed about this as he won't see me for the whole entire week and he already saw his friends yesterday and all he said was I'm going round my friends house and that's that.

 

What the do I do?

 

I am this close to telling him where to go

[trickykid]

Okay so here's an update..

 

We have argued since yesterday. He was meant to come and see me last night and he didn't end up getting home till later then just went to sleep so he didn't bother. We argue all day today and he just ignores my texts and doesn't bother. I then ask if he wants to come round tonight and I'll make tea as this is my only day off through this week. (I work 12 hour shifts so I come straight home from work and go to bed) he has just told me that he's going to go round to his friends tonight again, the friend that he spent all day yesterday with. The friend that he ditched me for at the weekend and cancelled our plans to go out with.

 

I'm in a flood of tears and the anger is literally crawling all over me. I want to punch this guy in the face, or scream or do something. Even after everything he has done to me this weeknd, I give him the benefit of the doubt by saying he can come round tonight as I won't see him till Friday after then, and he tells me he's going round his friends.

 

I obviously said I'm annoyed about this as he won't see me for the whole entire week and he already saw his friends yesterday and all he said was I'm going round my friends house and that's that.

 

What the do I do?

 

I am this close to telling him where to go

 

Unfortunately, I think you know what happens next. He seems like a complete fool. You know have the answer, as hard as it sounds.

 

you seem like a nice person and I think you should be putting your efforts into someone who is going to respect you and maybe someone you will never have to give the benefit of the doubt too.

[membername]

I sympathize with you..

Im in a similar situation.. Hope you get the respect you deserve

[hotlikestyles]

I feel absolutely awful. My whole insides are hurting. This guy keeps letting me down over and over again and I am continuously giving him the benefit of the doubt just for him to let me down again. What do you actually do?

[trickykid]

You know, I dont think you can actually feel worse, so it wouldnt matter if you dumped him right now, you have the same feelings anyway.

 

if it was me, i would wait until he is at his friends, then do it. But thats just me and how I did it

 

i dont think you will feel any worse for doing it but you will feel worse if you allow this to continue

[hotlikestyles]

What would I even say though? I would dump him probably hoping that he would realise what hes doing and come back to me.. but I feel like he wouldn't even be bothered and I'd be doing him a favour.

 

I am so stuck right now I don't know what to do. My head says one thing and my heart says the other.

[boltnrun]

Does your heart think that by continuing to be a doormat, he'll start being nice to you and will start spending more time with you?

 

Because you know that's not going to happen.

 

Offering to make him tea after he ditched you yet again???

 

People do NOT respect or love doormats. They wipe their feet on them.

 

Tell him that he can have all the time he wants to spend with his friends from now on. Like, all of his time. Because you aren't going to be waiting around for him to deign to spend time with you.

[trickykid]

What would I even say though? I would dump him probably hoping that he would realise what hes doing and come back to me.. but I feel like he wouldn't even be bothered and I'd be doing him a favour.

 

I am so stuck right now I don't know what to do. My head says one thing and my heart says the other.

 

People like that never realise what they are doing till its too late, but thats not why you would be doing it, your doing it because you dont want to be treated like that anymore, because you deserve someone who thinks so much of you that would want to be with you, someone that would see that you are upset and at least apologise and make things right with you. You want someone who, wants to see their friends but also make time for you.

[hotlikestyles]

People like that never realise what they are doing till its too late, but thats not why you would be doing it, your doing it because you dont want to be treated like that anymore, because you deserve someone who thinks so much of you that would want to be with you, someone that would see that you are upset and at least apologise and make things right with you. You want someone who, wants to see their friends but also make time for you.

 

I am sat here alone tonight worrying with so much anxiety it is filling me up, and I can't sleep. I tried to message him to reach out to him and explain how I feel and he just ignored me once again. I know what I should do, but somehow I'm still searching for other options.

[trickykid]

I am sat here alone tonight worrying with so much anxiety it is filling me up, and I can't sleep. I tried to message him to reach out to him and explain how I feel and he just ignored me once again. I know what I should do, but somehow I'm still searching for other options.

 

And have you come up with any new options.

 

I feel like I want to go and sort him out now lol. I understand where you are at, you just want him to understand and realize what he is doing and what he has got, but it sadly isnt happening. I think he will only realize that when he sees you happy with someone who treats you so much better.