tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 You can see in my lasts posts that my boyfriend has left me before due to drunken arguments from the past, dumb bickering, etc. That was 1-2 years ago. He would always wind up coming back to me in a few days. Our relationship has gotten better than ever because everything we have been through has made us stronger. Our communication has been better. Trust is better. We are best friends. We started dating young.. at 16. I took his virginity. Now we are 21. We were going to make 5 years next month. The Last break up about a year ago lasted 1 week. He broke up with me again yesterday out of the blue saying he had been thinking about it for a while and he isn't sure that we are good for each other anymore. Mind you, he's said this to me before in our past break ups, then he resorts to saying he didn't really mean it or that he's confused but that he wants to work things out and he is sure I am the girl for him. To make things a little clear, his life is a disaster... he has a junk car, has been trying to save up for this car but has a lot of debt, has 2 jobs, and he's failing in school and trying to get himself together. I am more on my feet than he is financially, about to get into nursing school, and have more going for me than he does. (I didn't care about that, I would help him reach his goals and support him all I can) He says he feels as if he needs to live his life on his own, be an independent person, and get himself together. He wants to focus on the gym, school, saving money, and he wants to do it alone. He says he loves me but that he might not be in love with me at the moment. (He has said this before too in past break up which were 1-2 years ago... then when we got back together he swore I was the love of his life). He says that he knows what he is losing, that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, that I am a diamond and THE GIRL but right now it just feels right to end things. He says the last thing he wants is to spite me out of his life, he doesn't mind texting or talking or even seeing each other from time to time. Basically wants to be friends? He says He loves me as a person and that this is hard for him. I admit we don't know how to be without each other. He says I am his best friend. He mentioned that he doesn't see me in his future right now and he thinks that is because a huge chunk of his teenage years got taken away with this relationship, he doesn't know what it's like to get rejected, make mistakes, be with someone else... which is true I am the ONLY girl he has been with. This all happened yesterday, but we didn't have enough time to talk because we had to work.. so towards the end when we ran out of time he just said that we can see each other tomorrow (today) and talk. I asked him "talk about what???" He just said to talk an hour or two about "this situation". That he was going to take this day to think & to talk to his dad and friend. He asked me not to beg for him back (because I have in the past). He also made it clear that there is no one else and he's not interested nor has the time to be with anyone. Honestly, I don't want to lose him, but at the same time the odd thing is that I am not crying and basically feeling like it's the end of the world. Before, when we would break up over dumb arguments I had something to feel guilty about. Now I do not, we were perfectly fine. I am very very sad and I have cried of course but it's different this time for some reason. I didn't message him AT ALL yesterday after he broke up with me, but he messaged me this morning asking to meet up later today to talk at a park. I don't know what will happen during this convo... I doubt he would leave me just to take me back the next day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 As you say yourself..it's a disaster. Does he have drug/drinking problems? Do you think you can fix him..or he will miraculously get his act together? On/off relationships indicate that things are never resolved and the people only get back together because of fear of moving on and unhealthy attachments. The words "he loves me but that he might not be in love with me at the moment" should make you pay attention this time. Has he dated others during your off times? Do you live together? To make things a little clear, his life is a disaster... he has a junk car, has been trying to save up for this car but has a lot of debt, has 2 jobs, and he's failing in school and trying to get himself together. He says . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 No he doesn't have drug or drinking problems. Our drunken arguments were from when we were drinking for our first time and partying and drinking a little too much. We moved past that and hadn't had a bag argument in a year. I don't feel like I could fix him, but I do feel like he should be able to make those changes with my support and I don't see how I get in the way of that. He's never dated anyone else, our off times literally last less than 1 week. There was an incident where he kissed another girl (only kissed) and then admitted his regret right after to my face while crying.. and that incident had A TON of effect on my trust and our relationship which links to us getting drunk and me acting up especially when that incident was fresh. But like I said that was a year ago, we were better than ever and I once again trust him. Our communication and love was at its best in my opinion. We do not live together but we live near each other, I sleep over a couple times a week and vise versa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 I just don't know why he would want to see me to talk. As you can see he made himself pretty clear, even if it was in a 30 min time frame and we needed to leave for work. I'm not sure what we will really talk about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Have you refused to let him go before? It sounds like he is begging and pleading for you to let him go and set him free.He mentioned that he doesn't see me in his future right now and he thinks that is because a huge chunk of his teenage years got taken away with this relationship He asked me not to beg for him back (because I have in the past). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 I respected his decision when we broke up last time which lasted a week and he was the one who came back. What I have done before is cry and try to fight for him and hurt very bad. He doesn't want me to ask for him back and beg and I haven't. As I mentioned it's really weird that I am not in that state this time around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 The one thing he understands is he can drift in and out of your life at his own leisure, and you'll welcome him back. I'm sorry, but you can't change him nor can you fix him. He is who he is, and what you see is what you get. The reason he wants to meet with you to talk, is to keep you on the hook, and remain in his control, (imo). Keep in mind that when someone wants to be with you, they'll move mountains, etc, rather than risk losing you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Im just really confused as to why he wants to see me today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 He made the clear that he didn't want to give me hope or have him wait for me, he says he can't do that to me. That he isn't sure if this is a mistake or not but it's what feels right at this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 ** have me wait for him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 You are wishing and hoping this breakup is another false alarm and he'll take you back if you beg him and that he doesn't mean anything he said. That this go-nowhere 5 yr relationship will continue on the same roller coaster ride.Im just really confused as to why he wants to see me today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 Yes You're right. I don't want it to be over. I don't see myself begging like I have in the last though. If today he tells me it's really over, what do I tell him in reference to him wanting to be friends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Multiple break-ups and cheating indicate that the relationship isn't working. It's not an indication that you two are strong enough to make it through anything. Sure, you might not have had any fall-outs for the last little while, but the foundation has already eroded. His latest request to end this relationship demonstrates that. You two have been together since a very young age. It sounds to me that while his life may be a mess at the moment, he's also been fighting his own desire for singlehood. and that desire is what is really behind this. People who repeatedly walk away are doing so for a reason. In this case, I would say it's because he wants to explore and spread his wings but has been too afraid or too complacent to just make that leap. Wouldn't you prefer someone who doesn't behave this way? Someone who loves and respects you enough to work through a problem instead of breaking up with you and then coming back at his convenience? Someone who is committed enough not to kiss other girls? So far, you've showed him you have leaky boundaries. You deserve someone who values you as much as you do them, girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chon Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 I respected his decision when we broke up last time which lasted a week and he was the one who came back. What I have done before is cry and try to fight for him and hurt very bad. He doesn't want me to ask for him back and beg and I haven't. As I mentioned it's really weird that I am not in that state this time around. You're probably not in this state of mind because you are tired of following the pattern that you have done so far. I sort of felt like this way in the past but it was more so because I thought: "It's sort of pointless to try and stop them. If they want me, they will have to come back without me begging." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 I feel like this time is very different because the other times he has broken up with me, it was the end result of a bad fight. Where I had something to feel guilty about, where things were said. So I would ponder and regret our argument. This time, it was out of the blue. I have nothing to regret, have done nothing wrong, and I doubt he would do this and then get back together with me when we talk soon. I won't lie, I don't want this to end. It is a pattern, but this time it's super different and it's got me very confused over what's to happen or how we are going to do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 9, 2016 Author Share Posted October 9, 2016 I've known him since I was 10 years old, we dated from 16 years old to 21 years old. It's a friendship as well, and if this is really happening its NOT going to be easy. Like I said, We don't know how to live without each other, and he has admitted this too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 Ok so we spoke, and he's really breaking up with me. He says he needs to do this for himself and I really can't be the only girl he dates for the rest of his life. He says he needs to experience other things, focus on himself, and better himself. But the thing is, that be really doesn't want me out of his life. He says he wants me as a friend and that I am important part of his life. This is hurting me so much but I didn't beg him. I need advice more than ever right now. I have hope that in the future he will realize this is a mistake and I know that's a bad bad bad thing. I know it is. I want to detach 100% but idk how. He's my best friend. How do I do this. How do we do this. I am so confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinkloves04 Posted October 10, 2016 Author Share Posted October 10, 2016 I need help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 10, 2016 Share Posted October 10, 2016 Oof. Hard. It's time for you to break up with him. In your head. Rely on your other sources of support. And also a therapist or psychiatrist, to help you find your security within yourself. This is hard after the years and the times of your lives. When I was in 8th grade I met someone who became one of the formative loves in my life. We severed ties in our mid 20s. It was hard and messy and necessary. My friends who stayed together - no, who got back together - after they grew up were able to do that because they respected each others boundaries and kept the drama to a minimum. Extraordinary self respect and self affirmation athe a young age. Use your resources to help you commit to standards of behavior you will use now. Commit to those behaviors with all of your might. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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