Please give me some advice

[Leah2898]

Please help!!

Me and my ex have recently got back together. He wants to take things slow this time as the reason for our split was he went through a terrible time with his nan passing. He met a female friend during our split but swears there's nothing between them. I think I might be paranoid but what's your opinions?

They see each other a lot, but they're never alone always with other friends, they message quite a bit and seems like he is going out of his way to speak to her. She recently split up with her boyfriend he is telling her not too as he'all just hurt again. I asked the other day why she's posting all this on facebook and he said 'they'all get back together but She does what she wants and I don't care' which I thought was defensive as I never mentioned him caring. I have asked him about this but he said he's not going to stop seeing her because she was there for him when we split up. I keep telling myself why would he get back with me if he had feelings for her? Am I just being over paranoid because we had split up

[AvaD21]

I think it's very probable something may have happened between them when you split. HOWEVER - he chose to get back together with you rather than trying to pursue her, don't mention her again - if you make it an issue you'll push him away and worse - towards the other girl x

[Leah2898]

I don't think anything happened when we split up as we were still on and off then too. He has never been alone with this girl from what I know

[jjkk]

I think you ought to have a really open heart to heart talk with him. I'm wondering if he's "taking things slow" as a way to keep options open with both of you before really committing. You're uneasy about this for a reason. Talk to him and see if you can come to terms with where he's really coming from and then decide how to proceed.

[gingervixen]

I would confront him if I were you.

 

Honestly I don't think taking your ex back is ever a good idea - if things didn't work out first, they won't work out now. But anyway, since you're together again, ask him how he would fele if you were always texting back and forth with a guy you met a few months ago. IT'S NOT OKAY when a guy is refusing to go out with you to go out with another woman.

 

But well, these are my boundaries. You have to find your own boundaries and tell this guy what they really are and how far this man can go.

[Leah2898]

The reason we split up is because his nan was like a parent to him and he did not cope with her death well at all, he pushed the closest people to him away and ran from the pain. His struggling with feeling anything at all he says he feels empty but he knows that he loves me. The reason he wants to go slow is he's scared and doesn't want to be rushed back into it. He has ADHD and aspergas and has never been able to cope with losing things or change which is what happened when his nan passed and became very angry. He came off meds but has been referred back to physicatrist. He also said he spends a lot of time with friends and this girl because he doesn't feel comfortable to be upset around them and he is with me (I'm the only person he will cry too) his nan passed in July. I was only saying this to clarify the split and why he wants to go slow

[Andrina]

If a person didn't feel 100 percent confident in being with me (says he's scared), then I'd say he wasn't a good risk for my heart. If he can't cope with the normal stresses and tragedies in life, which are never-ending, then why do you think he will cope better in the future? Past behavior predicts future behavior. If someone else close to him dies or he gets laid off of work, will he push you away again? My crystal ball says yes.

 

What the hell is going slow? One phone call per week? One date per month? No exclusivity but sex is okay?

 

Everyone has different views on opposite sex close friendships. I think they are normal in ones younger years, but once in an exclusive relationship, they usually have to go to the back burner. My husband and I meet up with other couples in a group. He and I don't have opposite sex friends that we communicate with daily. We have discussed boundaries of not giving our phone numbers to anyone of the opposite sex whereas they would be a new buddy. I would not have dated my husband if his best friend was Susie and they hung out together and texted daily. I know other people are fine with those situations in their own lives, but I set the rules for my own life and I choose to be with someone who shares my relationship goals.

 

You are letting him set the terms of your relationship. What do you want? It seems like you're groveling for the crumbs he's throwing you and that how he is handling things right now doesn't sit well with you.

 

If I were you, I'd say he isn't Mr. Right and that you need to free yourself for someone who knows how to be in a mature, healthy relationship and has his heart fully available to you.

[Leah2898]

He has a mental health issue which will be under control one he sees his physiatrist. He always texts me when he's with this girl

[Wiseman2]

Sadly it sounds like he's interested in her and trying to pursue her but she's not sure so he's going to go back and forth a while until she's ready to be more than just friends.

 

This has nothing to do with grief, stress, psychiatric issues,etc. This has to do with grass is greener syndrome. Be careful and be aware that he may leave as soon as she ready.

Me and my ex have recently got back together. He met a female friend during our split but swears there's nothing between them. They see each other a lot,they message quite a bit and seems like he is going out of his way to speak to her. She recently split up with her boyfriend

[Leah2898]

I see the messages between them both and there is no flirting just general conversation, no talk about them two having anything for eachother x

[Wiseman2]

Do you see how they are in person? Why is he showing you the messages?

I see the messages between them both and there is no flirting just general conversation, no talk about them two having anything for eachother x

[Andrina]

I wouldn't care if the girl had a hatchet face and weighed 900 pounds. Male/female close friendships have a different dynamic. In my mind, the only women I want my husband emotionally close to is me and his mother/sister/daughter, etc. You say they message quite a bit. Every second he spends on the other girl could be time spent with you. If you're comfortable with the friendship, then why are you bringing it up with the problem? Why are you now defending his friendship with her?

 

If you're so confident that going to the psychiatrist will solve all of his problems, then good luck waiting around for that to happen. Why did you post here when it sounds like the problem will soon be solved? You should know that there are people who think it's a sign of weakness to take antidepressants and they might not stay on them, either for that reason or that sometimes a person doesn't like the feeling while on them. There is no guarantee he will stay on them or benefit from the meds.

 

You sound like your self worth needs some boosting since you're willing to settle for someone who pushes you away when the going gets tough instead of relying on you for support. His excuse of being more comfortable around people who he is not close to when things get rough sounds fishy to me. I have a feeling you were the one who pushed for a reconciliation and he is too cowardly to make it an even break. He might want things to fade into oblivion so he doesn't have to deal with the drama of another break up. If you're not happy in the present, it's usually best not to wait around for the promise of it getting better in the future. Perhaps tell him when he is on meds and going to the psychiatrist, then would be a good time to give the relationship another shot. Right now he knows you're a doormat and will accept any behavior just to be with him.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This makes no sense.

His excuse of being more comfortable around people who he is not close to when things get rough sounds fishy to me.

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