What do I do?

[Mindinamess]

Hi all, my mind is in a total mess.

 

I've an ex whom I can't seem to shake. I'll tell you the story,

 

I met my ex when I was 13, 27 years ago. We were very good friends and always clicked. I thought there was nobody like him, I adored him but didn't think I was good enough for him. At the age of 17, 23 years ago, while he was going out with someone else, we had a fling. It was wrong but felt so right. When we were together nothing or nobody else mattered. His gf at the time found out, she was sick at the time and out of duty he stayed with her. I felt utterly worthless. He did try and get me back after he finished with her but I was with my now husband.

Shortly after I met my husband. TBH I wasn't interested in him at first. My heart was with my ex. I don't know if I stayed with him because I had such a low opinion of myself. He's dependable, steady, secure and adored me. Everything my ex wasn't.

2 years into the relationship I had a one night stand with my ex. And next I know I'm pregnant. She is now 20 and I still don't know who her father is. The ex asked me if the baby was his but I denied it. He never questioned me again. My husband doesn't know about the one night.

My husband believes she is his daughter.

Through family friends I would have seen my ex regularly and kept in contact somewhat.

 

Now the ex, has had a string of failed relationships and 3 kids later he's single.

A few months back I was talking to my ex and we had another one night stand.

He keeps telling me how he keeps thinking about me. But he's afraid of all the people that will get hurt if anything happens.

He reels me in, then keeps me at arms length.

 

I love him with everything I have. No matter how much he hurts me I can never stay angry with him. I always forgive him. I can not even try to explain the connection between us. It's electrifying.

 

I'm happily married for the last 15 years. And I do love my husband.

 

How is it possible to love 2 men in different ways.

 

I know by writing this, I look like an awful person. Cheating on my husband whom I love. It's wrong but feels so right when I'm with him. I've been with my husband for just over 22 years and have never looked at another man except my ex.

 

How can I feel this way after 23 years.

 

How can one person make you feel on top of the world and worthless.

 

What do I do?

[Wiseman2]

Would you say one is stable love and the other is lust?

How is it possible to love 2 men in different ways.

[j.man]

"I know by writing this, I look like an awful person."

 

Putting your husband on the hook for 20 years raising a daughter you don't even know is biologically his? I'd argue that goes beyond "look."

 

You married a man you didn't love for the security. Not much mystery there.

[Mindinamess]

One is stable love. Love no matter what.

I have no doubt that I love my ex too. It's a lot more than lust.

[Mindinamess]

That is not true, I do love my husband. I done what I thought was best at the time.

[pippy longstocking]

What a mess ... the ex is the excitement ..the one you didn't quite get , the aloof one , the loose cannon , never knowing where you are with him ..a challenge .. your husband is loving , dependable and there for you . So I guess you have two different kinds of love , I have never been a big fan of been able to love two men/women at the same time ..to me love is love ...for one person ..however I can kinda get where you are at with the loving them both .

 

As a child who was adopted I can tell you it is very important for us all to know who we came from . I have found over the years , as medicine progresses , important questions are asked about family medical history and so many times I have stumbled on this . That is just one aspect of needing to know your biological roots . Are you planning on a DNA test ? hell girl your world , their world is about to be turned upside down .

[pippy longstocking]

what do you want to do darling ?

 

there is so much ..

 

do you want to end your marriage and be with your ex?

do you want your daughter to know who her real father is ?

[Mindinamess]

I really don't know. My mind is in a mess.

 

I don't want to lose my marriage. But, I don't know if I've the strength to walk away from my ex.

 

I have tried to cut contact with my ex but keep finding myself back talking to him regularly.

 

In every other aspect of my life I'm in charge. I call the shots. Even in my marriage. But with my ex I am the most vulnerable. And that scares the out of me.

[mustlovedogs]

Stop being so selfish. Your husband deserves better than this. You need to stop worrying about what YOU want right now and worry about the people you supposedly care about.

 

You have two choices: devote yourself to your husband and let this ex fall to the wayside - for the rest of your life. OR leave your husband and pursue the ex. You cannot be in the middle and quietly pursue this ex while keeping your husband lined up.

[rosephase]

Tell your husband.

 

Of course you can love two people at once. And of course someone who rejects you and who is in and out of your life is exciting. A lot more exciting then a stable loving relationship for 22 years. Emotional rollercoasters are fun. The highs! The lows! All the feelings! It's not boring.

 

But you have to ask yourself how well you really know this guy. Are you into him? Or are you into the idea of him. The romance of lost love. When is the last time you really knew what was going on with him. I'm not saying you don't love him, I'm saying you don't know him. Most of what has happened with him over the past 23 years has been in your head.

 

If you want to do this the right and hard way, sit down with your husband and explain. Tell him everything and let him choose. Deal with the pain you've caused. And see where your marriage ends up. You might find it a lot easier to stay away from this guy once you've watched your husband hurt. Or it might end your marriage and then you are free to find out if this person is actually who you are assuming they are.

[itsallgrand]

Your ex is a classic 'bad boy'. He's got women and kids scattered all over but isn't there for them. You are not the only women he sleeps with and then takes off. He doesn't love you.

 

And you don't love nor respect your husband. You use him.

 

What you do is tell your husband the truth. If you end up alone, you end up alone. You need to learn to do that and take care of yourself. A person who knows how to care for themselves does not use men - it goes against everything that care and self reliance is to use someone .

 

You are dysfunctionally drawn to the ex. That's intense and emotional but that isn't love - it's need. Learn to fill those needs in yourself.

[pippy longstocking]

What about your daughter ? She is first priority ..you must want her to know the truth

[TMifune]

What do I do?

 

1. Get a professional therapist immediately. It doesn't sound like you're capable of navigating this without help. (not shame, just letting you know)
   
2. Get a paternity test....if your ex is the father you need to tell your husband, but especially your daughter. She deserves to know.
   
3. Prepare yourself to accept 100% responsibility for this situation. If your ex is the father, than anything less than owning what you've done will just drive a bigger wedge between yourself your husband and your daughter.
   

 

 

I don't know if I stayed with him because I had such a low opinion of myself. He's dependable, steady, secure and adored me. Everything my ex wasn't.

 

To me this reads backwards. Dependable, steady, secure and adores you are what someone with a high opinion of themselves would want. Walking away from that for instability, chaos and someone who regularly hurts you is self-sabotage in my mind. But it's not just you you have to worry about. You're playing fast and loose with the lives of your husband and daughter as well.

 

You need to get some professional help immediately. There is no easy way out of this, and it sounds like you've been doing whatever's easiest your whole life.

[Iggy5129]

I swear empathy is a lost art. What happened to treat others as you want to be treated? Or better yet, treat other as THEY want to be treated. I am so sad for your husband and daughter right now. You've betrayed them both badly.

 

Every day I read these stories and just wonder "how can someone be so damn selfish?" It's truly shocking to me. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy this way, let alone my husband.

 

How little self awareness do you have that you just married a guy even though you didn't really like him??

 

I agree you need to tell your husband and let him choose. Anything else is incredibly selfish and cruel. You don't just "look" like a bad person, you kind of are one.

[arjumand]

I don't know -- why mess up the relationship between the daughter and the father? Regardless of the DNA outcome, he IS her father and they have their own relationship. Bringing this up now is going to throw a wrench into it that is not entirely necessary. Yes, from a medical perspective, there should be knowledge, but should that take precedent at this point? It seems, I don't know, selfish after all your selfishness, to throw this at them now as well. I would definitely speak to a therapist extensively before I did anything about this.

[pippy longstocking]

I don't know -- why mess up the relationship between the daughter and the father? Regardless of the DNA outcome, he IS her father and they have their own relationship. Bringing this up now is going to throw a wrench into it that is not entirely necessary. Yes, from a medical perspective, there should be knowledge, but should that take precedent at this point? It seems, I don't know, selfish after all your selfishness, to throw this at them now as well. I would definitely speak to a therapist extensively before I did anything about this.

 

everyone has a right to know where they come from ..

 

besides I don't think the op is overly interested in that part , she more seems to want to know which man to go for .

[mustlovedogs]

I think her daughter should find out once she's in a mature and healthy place to handle it. If she's struggling with some kind of personal or emotional issues, now may not be the best time. This will turn her world upside down if her dad isn't the father.

 

(And, yes, regardless of paternity - her mom's husband is her dad)

[Mindinamess]

Hi all, I do appreciate your honest opinion. TBH I never considered that my daughter would need to know. But now, I do need to get a DNA organised to confirm paternity.

 

I also, never seen myself as selfish. I have given up so much for my family. It really has taken its toll on me emotionally and physically.

 

I am also going to organise to see a therapist to work things out in my own head as I feel I am going insane.