Grass is Greener Syndrome?

[ashwanth]

Hi Guys,

 

This is my first post ever and but I would really appreciate advice about my breakup!

 

So the background:

 

(Be prepared its pretty long)

 

My ex forced me to break things off two weeks ago (Her friends told me to end it) and we sort of agreed to separate (Even though it was killing me inside). I did not beg her to stay with me, I spoke to her calmly throughout the breakup whilst she was just crying. I believe she feels relieved because it was me who initiated this breakup and feels less guilty. Anyways we had been together for 2 years and 7 months and we are both 21. We met at uni and we had such an amazing time being in the bubble. We did every single thing together and we built such a co-dependent relationship. By this point it was fine, and we had absolutely no obstacles or problems before. She kissed another guy once in a club when she was hammered before in the first month of our relationship but I gave her another chance and had no problem since that one hiccup. We got on so well and I pretty much moved in with her in first year. After graduation, she went to do masters to a uni that is an hour away from my house. She had only stayed at her accommodation for two weeks and her feelings had clearly changed. She had been acting really unimpressed and not excited to meet me. I initially thought she could not handle the "Distance" and it was breaking the co-dependent relationship. She said she doesn't feel the same connection we had as we did in university. She mentioned how she's in a new environment doing a masters and she's meeting lots of new people and the fact that because we used to be in the bubble we used to be compatible but now we're out of it she's having doubts about the compatibility. She also used the classic phrase "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". I thought she met someone else but she didn't admit it when I asked. I know I should not have but I was talking to her friend on her phone and I saw my name in the conversation and I started reading the messages and it mentioned how shes got a crush. I assumed it was this crush that was affecting our relationship. Maybe she isn't mature enough to keep her feelings consistent.

 

But I still love her so much and care for her. You know what they say though. You don't value the precious things unless you lose them. I hope she realizes that lesson, because no one could have treated her better than I did and we connected so well. We may have had slightly different interests but we got on so well. It's ironic though how she cried at the end of uni and said "you'll leave me I just know it you'll find someone else it's too good to be true" and after reassuring everything will be fine, she basically doesn't need me anymore because she's got that excitement and turns around and stabs me in the back. I genuinely thought she was my soulmate. She ruined it for the both of us. I am not sure what is the best way to deal with this. I really dont want to get my hopes up and think shes coming back because that would hurt me if she did not.

 

My main question is:

 

Does this sound like GIGS? I know its not an actual thing but all the symptoms match. For example it was completely out of the blue and she said I love you but I'm not in love with you. Also, what are the chances of someone coming back if they realise that the grass was not actually greener? I don't think I did anything wrong at all. It'll hurt to see her go around with other guys but I really want her back. I know people will say do you really want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? But I reckon it is just a phase she is going through. I'm not sure. Obv its only been 2 weeks but I'm going to try and do the No Contact Rule until she contacts me about getting back together and focus on myself for now. I did nothing absolutely wrong in the relationship though which is why I'm angry/frustrated at her in some ways for screwing it up especially knowing we were best friends first. I know we are only human and we cannot stop emotions but to let a crush affect the relationship? Could this new guy potentially replace me? The only thing I reckon would stop her pursuing this relationship is the religion/culture/background clash.

 

Id really appreciate a reply!

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like it was over for it's own reasons including distance and growing apart as well as being in new environments. Also you broke up with her and "agreed to separate".

 

You were together a long time and according to you too close, so that can get old in itself from suffocation. Good idea to go no contact and block her. It will help you heal and move on.

She said she doesn't feel the same connection we had as we did in university. She mentioned how she's in a new environment doing a masters and she's meeting lots of new people and the fact that because we used to be in the bubble we used to be compatible but now we're out of it she's having doubts about the compatibility.

[MissCanuck]

I will begin with a disclaimer that I don't buy into 'GIGS', as such. It's not an illness someone can catch and be cured of.

 

In my opinion, it is instead a relatively normal (and yes, painful) part of young adulthood. People change so much in their 20s and are just beginning to discover the adult world and where they fit into it. Their needs and desires change, which often includes choice of romantic partners as well. They are generally curious about who else is out there, and interested in exploring more before they settle down and really commit. This is why few of us wind up with our young loves.

 

Having said that, it's not totally impossible that the dumper comes back. They indeed sometimes do. But the only really successful instances of reconciliation that I've personally seen have happened after quite a lot time apart, usually with one or both people dating others.

 

I too once ended a relationship that was - on paper - a decent one. I was around 23 at the time, we'd been together a few years and lived together. My ex wasn't a bad guy. But I could see we were growing in different directions and the spark had died. I wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down, and I was also curious about other guys and wondered if there was a better match out there for me. It's hard to explain that detachment process unless one has experienced it, but I knew I couldn't continue the relationship feeling the way I did. I suspect this is what has happened with your ex as well.

 

Sometimes relationships really do run their course. There doesn't always have to be something "wrong" or dramatic that ends it. But it is far better to end it if one person has already checked out and knows they're not invested anymore

[trickykid]

Why did her friends have such an input into the relationship, why did they tell you to end it? Did she want to end it but couldnt so went about it in a different way, by getting you to end it.

 

Probably best to try move on, you could do your own head in letting this play over and over and asking yourself why. I think, from what I read, is that she did really like you, a lot but probably didnt love you enough to stay with you long term. Id say she had already spoke to her friends in detail about wanting to break up but didnt want to do it, because she didnt want to hurt you, so she got you to do it so she didnt have to live with the guilt of hurting you

[Trainonexpress]

I thinks its best to not focus too much on the nomenclature stuff. I used to do that before in my relationship and it drove me insane because over time, I kept thinking about it and let it control my daily life. You have to live your life.

 

She was the one to break it off, which must haven't been so easy on her either and she probably thought about it for a long time.. She may or may not realize that she should have broke up with you. If she does, will you ever be able to trust her again? I think it's unfair for you to take her back. You should just focus on yourself now and stick to the NC.

[ashwanth]

I will begin with a disclaimer that I don't buy into 'GIGS', as such. It's not an illness someone can catch and be cured of.

 

In my opinion, it is instead a relatively normal (and yes, painful) part of young adulthood. People change so much in their 20s and are just beginning to discover the adult world and where they fit into it. Their needs and desires change, which often includes choice of romantic partners as well. They are generally curious about who else is out there, and interested in exploring more before they settle down and really commit. This is why few of us wind up with our young loves.

 

Having said that, it's not totally impossible that the dumper comes back. They indeed sometimes do. But the only really successful instances of reconciliation that I've personally seen have happened after quite a lot time apart, usually with one or both people dating others.

 

I too once ended a relationship that was - on paper - a decent one. I was around 23 at the time, we'd been together a few years and lived together. My ex wasn't a bad guy. But I could see we were growing in different directions and the spark had died. I wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down, and I was also curious about other guys and wondered if there was a better match out there for me. It's hard to explain that detachment process unless one has experienced it, but I knew I couldn't continue the relationship feeling the way I did. I suspect this is what has happened with your ex as well.

 

Sometimes relationships really do run their course. There doesn't always have to be something "wrong" or dramatic that ends it. But it is far better to end it if one person has already checked out and knows they're not invested anymore

 

I totally understand but it is so difficult to get my head around because this was my first ever serious relationship (And for her). But my question is what do I do if she came back I don't know what to do. The emotions just rush up straight to my head when I see her on facebook which is why I have avoided it completely and got off her social media. Thanks for the advice though MissCanuck!

[ashwanth]

Why did her friends have such an input into the relationship, why did they tell you to end it? Did she want to end it but couldnt so went about it in a different way, by getting you to end it.

 

Probably best to try move on, you could do your own head in letting this play over and over and asking yourself why. I think, from what I read, is that she did really like you, a lot but probably didnt love you enough to stay with you long term. Id say she had already spoke to her friends in detail about wanting to break up but didnt want to do it, because she didnt want to hurt you, so she got you to do it so she didnt have to live with the guilt of hurting you

 

Well whats worse is that we hang out with the same friends so its affected the friendship circle a lot! Her friends asked to end it and not string it out because they knew how sensitive I am (Yes I admit it I am a very emotional guy) I Know but I literally cannot get the image of her being on top of someone else. I know its still fresh as it has only been two weeks but GOD its killing me. Seems like she liked me a lot but like you said it was not enough to prevent the spark dying. Thanks for your advice though!

[ashwanth]

I thinks its best to not focus too much on the nomenclature stuff. I used to do that before in my relationship and it drove me insane because over time, I kept thinking about it and let it control my daily life. You have to live your life.

 

She was the one to break it off, which must haven't been so easy on her either and she probably thought about it for a long time.. She may or may not realize that she should have broke up with you. If she does, will you ever be able to trust her again? I think it's unfair for you to take her back. You should just focus on yourself now and stick to the NC.

 

How long did you take to sort of be normal and think straight and get back to thinking about only yourself? Its hard though! I dont know exactly what to do right now and I cant even work properly. It is affecting me that much!! Oh wells I guess nobody died which is the good news But if she does come back (Which im not banking on) it'll be so hard to build the trust but I may be willing to give it another shot but for now I think I am going to focus on healing first.