Should I tell the truth?

[confusedrachel]

This is the first time I have ever written in a forum, and I never thought I would need to, but I am desperate.

I have messed everything up.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for around 2 years, he is a very confident, charismatic, kind and generous man, oh and there is a big age gap (I am in my mid 20s he is late 30s), but never bothered me.

If I am being 100% honest I have always loved attention, and do find it hard to be faithful in relationships. This relationship was one of the worst in terms of my lack of loyalty. Alex (my boyfriend) was more like my best friend / family, but we rarely had sex, i didnt even like to kiss him with my mouth open. Looking back I wasted a lot of time with him, it wasnt right, but I was so comfortable with him, we went on lovely holidays and could chat for hours, I didnt want to lose him from my life.

 

But a year into the relationship, I met Matt, a guy from my work that I had never noticed before. He is the polar opposite to Alex. He is my age, very quiet, sensitive, and quite closed. I dont know what it was, but he took a shine to me. Not many people at work knew I was in a relationship as I kept it very seperate, so Matt was fairly persistent in trying to get me to go out on a date with him. At first I resisted, and did my best to not let my natural promiscuous urge kick in. But it didnt take long before it did.

 

At first I wasnt overly bowled over by Matt. He was cute, and sensitive, but didnt really compare to confident strong Alex. I selfishly carried on dating Matt though, probably for the spark and exitemement of knowing it was wrong. Before I knew it, months had gone by. People at work knew us as a couple, we would even hold hands in front of colleagues, all the while Alex being none the wiser.

 

As time went by (Im talking 8/9 months) I became very anxious, how had matt not clocked any of my other life with Alex? Did alex not think I was becoming distant? I was very sexually attracted to Matt, and never had sex with alex, but spoke to alex all day long, whilst barely speaking to matt. I guess together they made up one boyfriend, but on their own they werent quite right.

 

In the end, due to sheer panic of being found out, I ended it with both of them, a decision my friends agreed with, pointing out that if I could carry on with both of them, I cant really like either. Life was simple for a little while, but still seeing Matt around work made it easy to slip back into seeing him. I missed him, his company, and familiarity. We began to see each other again and things were seemingly very good, it was a lot more settling only seeing one guy. Until this week.

 

They say the truth always comes out in the end. Well 'they' are right. I didnt cover my tracks, and whilst I was in the other room, Matt picked up my phone and read just a couple of the last messages frm Alex. Things like:

 

'I miss you, and love you, i still think about you all the time'

'I still have hope we will be together'

 

With similar replies from me. (I know its wrong). Matt is furious. He said he suspected all along as I told him that Alex was a very good friend of mine, and he didnt need to worry, even when we have been on holiday together. So I have lied again, I told him that Alex is an ex from a long time ago, and I should have told him that he was an ex too, but I was scared to.

Matt doesnt believe me and thinks that we have been together the whole time. I really dont want to lose Matt, I feel like I finally found happiness with him when Alex was out of the picture.

But I cant tell him the truth surely?

I have been lying for 9 months. He may go straight to Alex and tell him, who doesnt deserve the hurt either.

 

Matt says the only way he will ever believe me and the only way we can get back together is if he can speak to Alex and ask if we have been together this year.

 

So my options are the following:

 

a) Come clean, tell him the truth with the very probable chance that he will never ever forgive me and potnetially tell my colleagues at work

b) Set up some kind of fake call / email address and try and pass it off as Alex, hoping that will give Matt the answers he needed

c) Walk away from the situatin and hope that in time I can forget about Matt.

 

So that is pretty much it. I know it is terrible and I have hurt so many people along the way. I have learnt a huge lesson from it.

All I am wanting now is to salvage any kind of relationship I can have with Matt.

 

So what shall I do guys?

I really need your advice.

 

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

C) sounds like the best option. Just curious if you had no sex/attraction to Alex what was the point?

 

It doesn't sound like Matt trusts you after the web of lies, so it may be best to end it.

 

No sex, no kissing but holidays together? Was Alex a sugar daddy?

a) Come clean, tell him the truth with the very probable chance that he will never ever forgive me and potnetially tell my colleagues at work

b) Set up some kind of fake call / email address and try and pass it off as Alex, hoping that will give Matt the answers he needed

c) Walk away from the situatin and hope that in time I can forget about Matt.

[j.man]

Was there ever an exclusivity talk between you and either of these men?

 

Regardless, trust is given back, not earned back. A big mistake that couples trying to reestablish it make is setting the precedent of "earning" it back. It starts with him talking to Alex, and it most likely will only result in a series of other demands thereafter. Frankly, you two don't have a trustworthy foundation for him to fall back on, so I'd consider the goose cooked.

 

Nix 'em both and start with a clean slate.

[MissCanuck]

This won't last with Matt. The trust is already badly damaged, and he will sooner or later find out the whole truth. You're just seeing the beginning of the end now.

 

Walk away from them both and stay single. You're clearly not ready to commit, which is fine but not when you are dishonest and careless with other people's emotions. Having been betrayed myself in the past, I can see that you have no idea the damage you are doing to these guys.

[HeartGoesOn]

My vote is to walk away. Not to sound harsh, but when you try to play both, you have a greater risk of ending up alone. In addition to that, a healthy relationship can't survive on a web of lies.

 

I would learn the lesson, and move on ASAP. I hope you find your way.

[Liraele]

Option A is the only way to really leave it in your past and potentially have a future with Matt if you think that is what you want.

 

Option C gets you out of it, but your conscience might still eat at you.

[moodindigo91]

Option A would be embarrassing for you and Matt, and Alex. You played them both, everyone at work will know it, so will they, and you'll be embarrassed for the truth having been made public. Bad choice.

Option B would be continuing down the same path of lying and deceitfulness, you wouldn't be able to make a relationship last on this foundation of sand. You will be uncovered again, surely. Worst choice.

Option C sounds like the best option, you wash your hands of this mess and move on, allow both men to move on, and learn from your mistakes.

 

In the future, I suggest not getting involved with work colleagues. Always a dangerous game.

[nao]

First of all be honest with yourself! None of the guys truly satisfy you, you just like things in both of them, one is safe to live with, the other is sexually attractive...

You can t live with your best friend, because you will always miss the sex part, and you will always be looking for someone else, like it happened this time. You can have great sex with someone who you don t fully admire for a while, but that will also become boring without being able to be true partners... so, since we can t somehow combine 2 guys and make one awesome out of them, trust me, I wanted to do this a couple of times we choose one, or leave them both and wait for the one who will not be perfect, but you will be able to truly fall in love with...

Out of respect for everyone, including yourself I would walk away nicely, learn the lesson from this and be more prepared when the right one will appear... otherwise you will just keep doing this messy things, keep hurting people and yourself...

[rosephase]

If you have problems being faithful in monogamous relationships maybe you shouldn't be in one. I struggled for years trying to figure out why I couldn't manage to be monogamous. I hurt people by trying for relationships structured that way so for a few years I didn't have relationships at all and then when I finally figured out that I really desired that type of intimacy, when I was ready to do the work to have that type of intimacy, I was honest about what I could and couldn't do. I can't be monogamous. It simply doesn't work for me. But I can be honest. And I can work hard on relationships. When I was willing to do the work and stopped just taking what I wanted because it was simpler to lie I found I could have serval long term, committed, romantic sexual relationships that are built on trust and respect.

 

If I were in your shoes today I would walk away from the mess I made. I would come clean and try and understand how I hurt the people I care about. Then I would take a good long time not being in any relationships and figure out what I want and how to grow into a person I can respect. It feels -awful- to hurt people you love. And it feels -awful- to be stuck in a relationship structure that isn't fulfilling your needs. So figure out how you move forward without doing those things. You hurt these two men a lot. You lied and dragged their hearts around for attention. You need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out if that is the way you want to treat people.

[IAmFCA]

In the end, due to sheer panic of being found out, I ended it with both of them, a decision my friends agreed with, pointing out that if I could carry on with both of them, I cant really like either. Life was simple for a little while, but still seeing Matt around work made it easy to slip back into seeing him. I missed him, his company, and familiarity.

 

This paragraph is where your truth lies. Both men were interesting for you but neither man is right for you. You fell in to the convenient comfort of Matt, you didn't choose him. Missing someone does not mean we are meant to be together, it simply means the good things we enjoyed have not yet been replaced with more recent memories of other good things.

 

Alex was never right, as you know, rather a security blanket of a different sort.

 

Therefore, you must break up with both, and stay no contact, in fact. At the same time, you need to develop better skills as a friend to yourself and to your friends, so that you learn you are enough as you are. You don't need the security blanket of either of these men, and your friends deserve a greater proportion of your calendar.

 

At work, you will be a social outcast. It will take a long time to recover. Be professional. Be respectful. If someone unleashes their anger at you, let the pain of it show. Say, you regret your mistakes and understand why other people are angry. Say that this is also your place of employment and you hope and intend to be as committed to your work as ever. In other words, show remorse, and then redirect others' attention to work, not personal, concerns. It is a way of reminding them that they might have some mercy on you because it is your livelihood. And many people make mistakes in romantic situations. That doesn't excuse yours, and you can't say that out loud. Other people may say it on your behalf if you show your remorse.

 

At the same time, it will be vitally important for you to be predictable at work, and socially quiet. No dates. No stories about parties or crazy nights out. On time, early in fact, every day. How you behave will reflect on your honesty and integrity, and that is what you are trying to recover, not friendship.

 

Your integrity is the most important thing. For you, your friends, and your colleagues, you being single and out of the dating pool will be the best way to recover. And your biggest challenge.

 

Again, learn to validate yourself. Appreciate your friends. Learn NOT to be the center of attention, and take note of how insecure you feel when you are an observer. Practice being an observer and give yourself positive affirmation as you do. Practice listening and putting other people in the center.

 

When you get good at this, you'll not want to return to who you are now, rather you will be able to attract attention and view it as a gift that must be shared.

[confusedrachel]

C) sounds like the best option. Just curious if you had no sex/attraction to Alex what was the point?

 

It doesn't sound like Matt trusts you after the web of lies, so it may be best to end it.

 

No sex, no kissing but holidays together? Was Alex a sugar daddy?

 

I agree I think C is probably the only option where people won't get even more hurt than tthey already have been.

I know the situation sounds a bit 'sugar daddy' but Alex was more like a companion and maybe even a role model that was hard to let go of.

Now he is gone I dont miss him at all, so I know that time was wasted, but I needed to figure it out for myself.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[confusedrachel]

Was there ever an exclusivity talk between you and either of these men?

 

Regardless, trust is given back, not earned back. A big mistake that couples trying to reestablish it make is setting the precedent of "earning" it back. It starts with him talking to Alex, and it most likely will only result in a series of other demands thereafter. Frankly, you two don't have a trustworthy foundation for him to fall back on, so I'd consider the goose cooked.

 

Nix 'em both and start with a clean slate.

 

Yes it was clear that both men wanted to be exclusive, so I knew what I was doing ws wrong.

Especially as Matt was very suspicious of Alex, so would question our friendship a lot.

I agree I think it is time to let them both go and learn a massive lesson from it.

Thanks for taking the time to give your advice.

[OldRomantic83]

Wow, what a tangled situation...

 

Theoretically, if you go with plan A, then you could end up with plan C... as I cannot foresee a way that Matt would be happy with what you tell him, so personally I would go with C, rather than spin another web of lies... because when you look at it, there is a possibility the truth could come out in that situation too, and that could be a whole lot more damaging.

 

Own it, or walk away...