Cultural differences. Help please.

[Girlconflicted]

I've been with my guy for 3 years now. He's Arab and I'm Chinese. We are totally compatible with each other just things like religion and culture varies. We were in a long distance relationship for half of it. The first year together was totally perfect, we could see a future together. After the first year, we had to move away for work and etc, only able to speak thru text and calls. He was living back home with family while I was away from my family. After the two years of long distance we are finally together in the same country.

But now, it seems that we can't be together long term anymore cz of his commitment to his family's wishes (marry an Arab girl who they know the girl's family well) and they are apparently very culturally committed.

I feel we still have a chance to make things work long term (marriage and all) but he has already said his family has already clearly that I won't be accepted. And the thing is that, they don't even know me personally. Which I feel is totally unfair.

I know he loves me soo much and I love him too much. And I know also that if there weren't any of this issues in between, he wants us to be together long term too.

It hurts so much to think that after going thru so much and being so happy together all the time, our relationship has an expiration date.

I hope I'm not being selfish to my wants.

Please advice.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like a nice romance but not a romance intended to lead to marriage. Once you accept his heartbreaking news of marrying a girl back home, you can find peace and move on.

 

It's honorable of his to inform you of his intentions and not string you along or exploit your emotional understanding of this.

I feel we still have a chance to make things work long term (marriage and all) but he has already said his family has already clearly that I won't be accepted.

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you're hurting, OP.

 

Unforutnatley, there isn't really anything you can do. If his family won't accept you, and he's not willing to go against their beliefs, then this relationship is really over. It's not fair, no. But it's the reality of his situation.

 

It will ultimately far less painful for you to accept that this has run its course and begin your journey towards healing, than to hang around hoping he or his family will change their minds. That is very unlikely to happen, based on your description of their devotion to the religion.

[Girlconflicted]

I can't even picture him being with any other woman, not to be mean, but it makes me so damn angry. Being judged before understanding who I am. First look at me, "oh you're a Chinese girl. No." passes me off. I think I may be more angry that ppl around us are deciding for us. I'm so mad and sad at the same time. My parents are so supportive of me but this is truly so damn painful. Because the first year of our relationship, we were already speaking of marriage and such then he went home for work and everything changed. I don't know how to feel. I know I need to move on with my life already, but I still can't let go cz we both still want to keep going on but we also know that we need to say goodbye.

Besides all the romance thingys. We truly are the best of friends. After the moving on and healing, do you think he and i still can be friends?

[Wiseman2]

Sadly you are taking this from point of deep insecurity rather than cultural practice. It's not about any prejudice or they don't like you etc. Stop making yourself crazy with the wrong premise and that is "being judged". You are not being judged, you are simply not an Arab Muslim virgin.

 

This is not about exclusion it's about inclusion which means he only seriously dates and considers marrying women from his own culture, religion and whom him parents select.

 

It sounds like you feel strung along because clearly he knew that any serious dating would have to be with a culturally compatible woman. Or do you think he just used this as an excuse to break up with you for other reasons?

Being judged before understanding who I am. First look at me, "oh you're a Chinese girl. No."

[Girlconflicted]

You are right about me being crazy about the premise of it all. He too said the same thing. It's not about me being not enough, it's about the culture. The thing about this all is that, 2 years ago, both of us were set, we knew that we can be together. Alls good. But then, just a few months ago, his mother started with all this. I know it's best for me and him to just accept the fact and buck up, but still!! I am angry and seriously disappointed.

[nao]

I don t think you are being selfish, you are just frustrated for a good reason... I also think it is not likely he will chose you, unless he is taking you home to present you to his family, telling them you are his love, his choice, depend in which Arab country is he from, he might not even be allowed to take you home as his girl friend...

Unless you see real actions from his parts I would not believe what is he telling about how much he loves you, ask him if he loves you enough to go against his family will? Of is he willing to do something to change his family s mind about you? Does at least one of his sisters know you? Have you even met anybody form his family? If not, I don t think his long term plans are serious... sorry...

[Girlconflicted]

Nao-

They do know I exist but never met me in person. He feels on east Africa. He did say I could meet his sister when I asked two weeks ago after not seeing each other for a long time . But the question is "then what after?". Can't change his mum's mind. I may be not understanding the mentality fully i guess. Cz I'm not the right type of girl. Arab Muslim and not Chinese.

[Girlconflicted]

I'm just angry and disappointed. I'm really so grateful for all the replies.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think trying to be friends is a good idea. You will wind up hurt all over again, not because he's trying to hurt you but because he will eventually end up with another woman. How beneficial will this friendship really be when he reveals he's going to marry someone else?

 

You have a right to be sad, hurt and frustrated. It's a difficult situation. That is precisely why you are going to need plenty of space to heal.

[Girlconflicted]

Misscanuck -

Yes. The space is indeed needed. So hard. I have my life plans would be nice to have him in it. Guess it can't be.

You been so great. Thank you so much. Just needed to hear outside perspective. Human nature not to want to listen what your family says even knowing that they are right.

I really need be stronger and heal. Wish time passes faster.

[Snny]

But now, it seems that we can't be together long term anymore cz of his commitment to his family's wishes (marry an Arab girl who they know the girl's family well) and they are apparently very culturally committed.

I feel we still have a chance to make things work long term (marriage and all) but he has already said his family has already clearly that I won't be accepted. And the thing is that, they don't even know me personally. Which I feel is totally unfair.

What's unfair is this guy knew he would have to marry a girl from his culture and not tell you about it. I call Bull*t on him "not knowing" when over 90% Muslims exercise arranged marriages. This isn't new- they have been doing this for CENTURIES.

 

He should of told you this cultural norm before you guys became exclusive. He lead you into believing that you guys would be a match made when he damn well knew that he would have to follow a tradition to please his own family. Instead you were a catch, a fling, an exotic girl whom he will never be with. He wanted his cake and to eat it too- and many men from Arab origins play this game. To them, women are regarded as second class citizens.

 

You have every right to be pissed off. But now you know... Don't date guys who are strongly tied to their own family and culture. You will always come second to these men. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

 

And I know also that if there weren't any of this issues in between, he wants us to be together long term too.

This is BS too. He is actively choosing a tradition over his love for you. Again. It's about his selfish needs.

 

Time to take the rose colored glasses off and look at this reality. He straight up used you and didn't want to tell you about the arrangement.

 

He is a liar and a phony. He wronged you. You're right, what he did was very unfair to you and you deserve bette than this piece of trash.

[chitown9]

Sadly, you need to face the facts, and that is that your boyfriend knew the deal before he even hooked up with you. He was not playing with a full deck of cards in his relationship with you. HE KNEW THIS FROM DAY 1, AND IT IS NOT A SURPRISE TO HIM. NOT AT ALL. That is the cold, hard truth. So....I would not feel so warm and fuzzy about him if I were you. chi

[Wiseman2]

Sadly, yours is not the first story about someone who knew all along he would marry in an arranged marriage stringing along women from other cultures to sow their wild oats before marrying in accordance to their cultural ways.

 

This is tradition not some ad hoc thing his mother just dreamed up. he has known all along what his future will be but was clever enough to use future talk and make it seem negotiable to string you along for premarital sex. Go no contact and block him, do not be friends with those who deceive you.

But then, just a few months ago, his mother started with all this.

[Snny]

Sadly, yours is not the first story about someone who knew all along he would marry in an arranged marriage stringing along women from other cultures to sow their wild oats...

...

This is tradition not some ad hoc thing his mother just dreamed up. he has known all along what his future will be but was clever enough to use future talk and make it seem negotiable to string you along for premarital sex.

But...

It's honorable of his to inform you of his intentions and not string you along or exploit your emotional understanding of this.

]

[Wiseman2]

The op revealed more in subsequent posts. Not a contradiction. He ceased stringing her along when he finally revealed his true intentions.

But..

[lvlv5]

I've been with my guy for 3 years now. He's Arab and I'm Chinese. We are totally compatible with each other just things like religion and culture varies. We were in a long distance relationship for half of it. The first year together was totally perfect, we could see a future together. After the first year, we had to move away for work and etc, only able to speak thru text and calls. He was living back home with family while I was away from my family. After the two years of long distance we are finally together in the same country.

But now, it seems that we can't be together long term anymore cz of his commitment to his family's wishes (marry an Arab girl who they know the girl's family well) and they are apparently very culturally committed.

I feel we still have a chance to make things work long term (marriage and all) but he has already said his family has already clearly that I won't be accepted. And the thing is that, they don't even know me personally. Which I feel is totally unfair.

I know he loves me soo much and I love him too much. And I know also that if there weren't any of this issues in between, he wants us to be together long term too.

It hurts so much to think that after going thru so much and being so happy together all the time, our relationship has an expiration date.

I hope I'm not being selfish to my wants.

Please advice.

My intention for offering my words is for your strength and healing. Take a step back and look at your pain, give yourself the love, honor and respect he is not able to. Your love, your energy, your care is valuable and if he doesn't have the emotional backbone to stand up to his family, he's not worth not one more word, tear or reflection.

[Trainonexpress]

Firstly, also an asian here. I see how difficult it must be for you because I was in a very similar situation, except both of our parents hated us. My current relationship is interracial and so was my last one. I'm actually struggling with my current interracial relationship too, because my parents are not fond of my current boyfriend due to race and other issues related.

 

I just want to share you my story to give some insight.

My last ex was Bengali and Muslim and I grew up Christian. Despite this, we were really compatible and have been best friends for years... His family said the same thing, how they want him to marry someone who was of the same country. My parents weren't fond of it either. Both of our parents did not like that we were together. It was hell because my parents can be pretty abusive. My parents guilt tripped me, threatened to hurt both of us, and disown me. It was very difficult for me because my parents meant a lot to me. My ex was willing to fight for the relationship and defy his parents.

 

I was also in a relationship with him for 3 years and he was my best friend, but as I grew older, I start to realize how our religious differences appeared. If I really wanted to go serious with him, I'd had to follow his religious practices. I didn't really care about this before because I didn't care about my religion. Unless two of you guys are not practicing your religion and don't care, honestly, it's very hard to keep the relationship away from conflicts.. ( how children should be raised, marriage values, meaning of salvation, etc).

After 3 years of fighting, I broke up due to guilt I felt towards my family, how religion did affect the relationship over time, and how unfair I felt for him to stay with me if I know I can't provide the happiness he deserves. I really loved him deeply, but I really believed that it was for the best for us. Even till this day, I feel like it was for the best..

It is still the most difficult decision I have ever made and still hurts despite how this happened 3 years ago, but you move on and find someone else.. Life isn't over despite how much you felt the person was the one.

 

I see how angry and upset you feel, but please don't ever think it's because you're not good enough. It has nothing to do with you as a person. It really is just culture. You have been with him for 3 years so I'm assuming he also loves you too. It must not have been too easy for him either. If he decided to end the relationship, then there's nothing else to do. It was a difficult experience for me to break up with him too, but from these heartaches, you really become a stronger person. It really hurts now, but let yourself heal over time. Let your feelings and write it out here, seek comfort from your family and friends.

[notalady]

There has been many posts on here and I've heard of similar stories in real life where a non-muslim girl dating a Muslim guy thinking there is a future, and he ultimately had to bow his family's wishes for him to marry a girl of the same culture. Like others have pointed out, this is not something his mother just dreamt up and it's got nothing to do with how much they know you. You could be the most perfect girl in the entire world and they still wouldn't approve because you're not from the same culture.

 

And I would think he's aware of this expectation all along, though not having confronted his parents about it (only delaying the inevitable). Maybe he had wishful thinking that his parents would be open minded about it, maybe he indeed strung you along.

 

It's important for you now to move on, definitely don't stay friends, it's just a way of keeping the connection going, and as others pointed out, it will be painful for you to see when he gets married.