fall Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Hello everyone, This issue gives me quite a bit of anxiety in my relationship and maybe some advice would help me. I've been with my partner for 3 years and the past year we've only had sex twice. My partner has erectile dysfunction. A decade ago he was a heavy drug user (has been clean and sober for many years now). Since he has done significant damage to his body, a common outcome is having erectile dysfunction. Our first year together was great sexually. He was interested, passionate and would make efforts. I was supportive and understanding of the problem. I didn't even mind if he wasnt able to get an erect, we did other things, kissed and fondled. Slowly and progressively over time it has dwindled down. The last year has been the worse. He seems like he avoids any type of sexual activity. He doesn't seem to enjoy being touched. I've discussed it with him and he told me "his brain is elsewhere". Work is stressful and he's tired. I accepted that answer and went with that. I didn't pressure or nag about it. I've tried many times to initiate without any luck. Of tried at different times of the day, I've tried sending him racy photos, lingerie, adult film, the list goes on. In the beginning he would take Viagra. Now he doesn't take it at all. I've expressed my concerns and needs to him. He says it's shameful and embarrassing. I try my best to be sympathetic and understanding. I don't get mad or aggressive about it. The last time we had sex was 6 months ago, the time before that was 6 months before that. Having sex once every 6 months hurts. I understand that it would feel embarrassing and emasculating. It's also hard for me as well. There are other ways we can enjoy pleasure from each other without the erection. I am more than willing. I just feel like the effort has stopped and maybe we are too comfortable. It scares me that he might see me more as a best friend than a lover. We are intimate as far as cuddling, kisses and hugs. But it's more romantic than sexual . Link to comment
Clarisse Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Is he able to masturbate or is that a problem as well? My heart goes out to both of you. Not an easy issue to live with. I don't think I could. Counseling for him (and perhaps as a couple) may be the only answer. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 How old is he? Do you live together? Do you fear you are just roommates now? It seems you've done all you can but that part of his life is just being hidden away out of his frustration. It scares me that he might see me more as a best friend than a lover. We are intimate as far as cuddling, kisses and hugs. But it's more romantic than sexual . Link to comment
fall Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 Yes, he is able to masturbate but it's not often I don't think. It's maybe once a week, maybe less than that. He is 33, so he is young still. We live together, we actually just brought a house but we lived in an apartment before that. It's very hard because I know it's not me. I know it's a medical problem. I think going to the doctor, which he avoids, will be our next option. He has been to the doctor but the things the doctor suggested weren't much help. So a different doctor maybe will help Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Does he know exactly how you feel, though? I appreciate it can't be easy for him either, but if you've both settled into a routine of almost knowing that sex just isn't going to happen then maybe it's just become the "norm" because neither of you talk about it? Just a thought... My advice would be to talk to him about it - and I don't mean go on at him, have a genuine conversation and try to get him to open up (which I know isn't always easy with men) to talk about he really feels. Maybe consider counselling or reading up on how this issue can be overcome/solved. Here are some items which might be intersting to read.... Good luck X Link to comment
fall Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 Thank you for the links! Yes, he knows how I feel about it. I think it brings him a lot of shame and embarrassment so he avoids sex all together at times. I gently bring up the conversation when awhile has passed and I feel frustrated. I try to keep the frustration less known because I am aware it is a sensitive matter. I'm just not sure how many times I can bring it up with saying the same thing. I am also aware you cannot force someone into anything. I cannot nag him into seeking other alternatives. He knows how I feel, it's his responsibility to take what I say and make choices. So it is disheartening when we have conversations but he's taken little to no action Link to comment
Jay121 Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 Yes, he is able to masturbate but it's not often I don't think. It's maybe once a week, maybe less than that. He is 33, so he is young still. We live together, we actually just brought a house but we lived in an apartment before that. It's very hard because I know it's not me. I know it's a medical problem. I think going to the doctor, which he avoids, will be our next option. He has been to the doctor but the things the doctor suggested weren't much help. So a different doctor maybe will help Hi, is he ever able to get an erection? If he can get hard to masturbate but not for sex more likely to be a mental problem rather than physical. Has he ever talked to you about what he thinks is causing the problem? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 Sexual incompatibility is a huge concern. Do you want an asexual relationship at your age? There are plenty of healthy willing men out there. As you know bedroom issues are not in isolation and the frustration and resentment will eventually erode things and show up in other areas. Try not to be 'the patient, loving gf" forever if he refuses to do anything. Being a martyr for his problems will destroy your happiness. Talk to him about ending things. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness and relationship satisfaction in life because he chose to mess up his body with drugs (and may still be using behind your back, which often causes sustained ED in a 33 y/o.) He knows how I feel, it's his responsibility to take what I say and make choices. So it is disheartening when we have conversations but he's taken little to no action Link to comment
zeino Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 How is his addiction recovery going? Is he in a support group where he can share his issues in a safe environment? Link to comment
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