is no sexual attraction a 'deal breaker'

[kl0712]

Okay guys/gals. I need some input. I've posted a few threads on here before. First off, I'm going to thank everyone who has helped me out by giving me some great advice on my last threads. Second, I ended that toxic relationship not too long after those posts. I did what I thought was comfortable and I left him a note, me and my cousin packed up all my things (besides what we couldn't fit in my car), and I sent him one final text telling him that I was staying somewhere else that night and I was shutting my phone off. I stopped all communication with him for at least a month before he finally messaged me asking how I was feeling. I told him how I felt/had felt and that it was definitely over. Eventually I got the remaining few things that I had left over at his house (he dropped them off while me and my grandma were out).

 

Soooo, it was about the beginning of June when I decided it was time to start dating again (keep in mind I had only ended things with the ex about 1 month prior). I decided I was going to try and take a different approach to the dating world, and give online dating a try. I downloaded an app called Coffee meets Bagel (cute name I know). The app is pretty cool, you make your quick profile, (shows your age, interests, hobbies, education, who you are interested in and some other stuff like that). How it works is, you make your profile, you pull up a discovering search (which pulls up guys or gals in your area or whatever area you say you'd be willing to look in). You have the option to 'like' or 'Pass' someone, if you pass your 'bagel' (your guy/gal pick) for the day (because you only get one every day at noon) then you wait till the next day to pass or like someone else. If you decided to like you bagel of the day, they will have the option to like or pass you. All in all, if you like someone and they like you back or vice versa, a chat starts within the app. You get to communicate back and forth for I believe 7 days. At the end of those seven days you can either extend the chat within the app, exchange phone numbers, or end things.

 

I actually had met two different guys on the app. I went on a few dates with guy #1 and we really hit it off, he was kinda shy but sweet. I traveled to him once and he traveled to me once (2hr drive btw). Well before our second date I went on my first date with my now current boyfriend. After meeting my now bf, I knew I had to end things with this other guy. I clearly liked this guy way more and we had much much more in common. The other guy took it very well, he knew we were just testing the waters anyways and he was very understanding. Well, fast forward till the end of June and he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes of course. I had really clicked with this guy on a level that I hadn't clicked with anyone. He was goofy, sensitive (in a good way), mature, fun, adventerous, positive, and he's handsome. He loves his family and treats me very very well. (what more could I ask for, right?)

 

Well, we had many deep conversations and i learned a lot about this guy and we have some many things in common its kinda creepy. We have the same views on most important topics. We had both just gotten out of tough relationships. Mine being more recent than his. (his was a 4 yr part long distance because he moved back home). We both set clear goals and expectations when we started and part of what drew me to him was the fact that I didn't have to feel ashamed for any of my past and that I could be open with him about things. I felt like he was my bestfriend after only knowing him for 8 hours. We had agreed that we would wait to have sex when it felt right for the both of us, and that we wouldn't rush it and only do it when both of us felt ready. (we both agree that sex is important in a relationship but its not the MOST important thing, so we were able to push it aside for a bit). We fast forward to around 2 and a half weeks, we decided we were going to have sex.. (so much for waiting, i know). I don't know if it was because I genuinly felt something for this guy or if it was our amazing connection and understanding of one another that made me feel like I was ready, so it happened. It wasn't too much longer after that when he said those three little words that have huge meaning. We had maybe been together a month when he said I love you, I followed about two weeks later. He told me that he felt that way but he wouldn't say it, because he didn't want me to say because I felt like I needed too, but because I felt it back. I started saying it back, and honestly I do believe that I love him. He is an amazing person and he has a huge heart. We continued to have sex and say I love you and do all the fun things new couples do, like go to winerys' and go on fun, cute romantic dates.

 

Then all of a sudden, the talk went from I love you to marriage and how we could see ourselves spending our lives with eachother. I went with it because that's what I wanted. Now I'm not so sure.... I only get to see my boyfriend about twice a week because we lived 30 minutes away from eachother now we are an hour because he moved even further from me. we both have good jobs but work tons of hours so we have to dedicate certain days of the week to see eachother. (the only days I don't work are spent with eachother) which is okay! That was the plan. Well about 2 or maybe even 3 weeks back we had a fumble in the bedroom. I'm not going to go in details because honeslty some of you may not understand. Let's just say it was gross and it really put me off. My attraction to him kinda weakened after it and I feel bad because of it. I told him I wouldn't let it affect how I felt about him but I can't help it that it does. At first I kept an open mind about it but as the days went on I kept replaying it in my head and it just totally turned me off. The last 2 times we've tried to do anything sexual I couldn't get in the mood. I don't think I'm sexually attracted to him anymore...... I hate to say this because everything else about his personality is great and he really is a handsome man. When I think about sex with him or anything sexual with him I can't picture it, not even making out. I just don't understand how one minutes I'm so in to him and then not even a week later I'm not. It's not fair to him at all but I don't know how to approach it or what exactly I should do in regards to our relationship. I know sex isn't everything, but I do believe there needs to be sexual attraction for there to be any chemistry or sexual anything for that matter.

 

I'm completely at a loss of what to do.. I hate to sound selfish because he really is a good guy and treats me well but it's something that's been eating me up inside for a few weeks since the incident happened..... Help me please. I could use the advice.. I'm all ears.

Thanks!!

[abitbroken]

I think that you are moving way too fast. If you just started dating in June, you shouldn't be talking about marriage. Okay - let me qualify that - you should talk about what both of you are looking for in the future - if your goal is to have kids, get married someday, live on mars, etc - whatever , but not about WITH EACHOTHER.

 

Maybe your lack of sexual interest is your emotions putting the breaks on things because you are moving too fast.

 

But seriously - if everything has been great and something happened in the bedroom that was not great - why not just TALK about it. If something accidentally happened, he is just as embarrassed and grossed out as you are. But if it has something to do with his preferences being wildly different than yours - then still talk about it, but talk about how it might be a dealbreaker to you.

 

I am more concerned about you jumping into a relationship fast after an abusive one that i about something awkward that may have happened.

[limichelle]

Are you sure you love the guy? I don't mean to sound harsh but an incident shouldn't throw you through a loop like that. Usually you can look past anything with someone you love. You sound really bothered and now unsure after having a wonderful time. I don't get what changed so drastically? You said it was gross what happened. A lot of gross things can happen in the bedroom without it meaning to happen.

 

If you can't look past it then you should go with your gut because you may not be as into this guy as you think and that's not fair to him.

 

Also sexual attraction does matter.

 

Lisa

[kl0712]

It was an accident but it's something that has the potential to happen again if proper precautions aren't taken, and even then it still could happen, because it's something he can no control. Which is another reason I feel so bad about feeling the way I do... but yes, the more and more I think about it I can see how the lack of sexual interest could be my emotions telling me to slow it down. At first I was so into it all and then it was like I hit a brick wall.

[abitbroken]

It was an accident but it's something that has the potential to happen again if proper precautions aren't taken, and even then it still could happen, because it's something he can no control. Which is another reason I feel so bad about feeling the way I do... but yes, the more and more I think about it I can see how the lack of sexual interest could be my emotions telling me to slow it down. At first I was so into it all and then it was like I hit a brick wall.

 

Well - let's be frank here. Are we talking about unwanted or premature ejaculation? Or are we talking having an um...uncontrollable bathroom issue type medical problem?

[kl0712]

I know I love him but i don't think I'm in love with him. because you're right, usually if you truly love someone then you can look past almost anything. It defintely wasnt supposed to happen, it kinda just did. He doesn't have any control over his bladder or bowel movements due to his spina bifida & he has stomach issues when he eats certain things or drinks a lot.. I know it's not fair to him to keep stringing him along because I'm the confused one.. Trust me I really care for the guy.

[kl0712]

uncontrollable bathroom issue

[abitbroken]

I know I love him but i don't think I'm in love with him. because you're right, usually if you truly love someone then you can look past almost anything. It defintely wasnt supposed to happen, it kinda just did. He doesn't have any control over his bladder or bowel movements due to his spina bifida & he has stomach issues when he eats certain things or drinks a lot.. I know it's not fair to him to keep stringing him along because I'm the confused one.. Trust me I really care for the guy.

 

Okay, then he makes sure that he goes to the bathroom before you have sex. And he doesn't drink a lot prior. If this guy is completely wonderful and a good catch other than that, I would just slow down on the sex or do things where that won't occur - a better time during the day, etc, avoiding those foods and maybe get back to getting to know eachother. I would also be HONEST and tell him that you weren't expecting that to happen and be open and honest. If he hasn't had sex in awhile it may be something he needs to change his diet for. If sex has been great except that one time, I honestly would look past it for now and decide long term if its something you are okay with - and if it can be avoided if you aren't as spontaneous with sex.

[kl0712]

Thank you. We've had a small discussion about it after it happened. He said he had been taking the precautions to not let something like that happen again, because it had happend in his previous relationshiip. But the last few times before that incident he would get up and go to the bathroom mid make out while im half naked and it's such a mood killer for me but you're right I just need to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation, which i've been telling myself all along that I need to do that.. I know he would respect my honesty, because he doesn't want me hiding my feelings or anything for that matter, even if the truth upsets him. I had mentioned that maybe we shouldn have spontaneous sex as much because the likely hood of something like this happening again is greater, especially if we were drinking or didn't really watch what we ate that day, but he said he wanted to be spontaneous. I had just read an article that some relationships whom a person has spina bifida that's its usually a lot harder to be spontaneous because of issues like this.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think all too often many will rush into the physical side of the relationship, while denying themselves of having a strong emotional connection well before that.

 

Of course to each their own, but I feel that taking one step at a time, has more potential for a different outcome.. JMO.

[Tinydance]

I'm kind of with the others here that maybe you don't really love this guy, or at least not in love with him. I mean, you used the phrases "he's my best friend" and "I just went with it" in terms of the marriage stuff, which to me doesn't exactly sound very promising. I don't think you should be "just going with it" because he's saying "I love you" and he wants marriage. You should be wanting those things too. I mean, don't get me wrong, going to the toilet in bed (unless it's a fetish lol) is definitely a turn off, but if everything else about this guy is amazing and you love him, I don't think you would be feeling quite as turned off, unattracted and unsure as you are. I think you'd probably be concerned but you'd be trying to work it out and maybe come up with some solutions so you could make it work. For example like some posters here suggested, maybe your boyfriend could go to the toilet before sex or not eat or drink certain things. I do think you really rushed into this relationship and also maybe thought that this guy was so amazing compared to your abusive ex and that he "ticked boxes". He really does sound like a lovely and great guy but do you truly love him or is he just a rebound?

[kl0712]

I do agree with I think if I would of taken things one step at a time that there could be a different outcome. I just hope it's not to late to slow things down since so much has been said and done as far as our relationship goes. I for sure don't want to just assume it's not love or just a rebound, because of how great he is and how great is makes me feel. As many of you have said, I just need to talk to him and be honest with how I feel and try and work things out and go from there.

[Wiseman2]

sorry to hear this but things when way too fast, too much too soon and so it was infatuation/lust which probably could not sustain this "fumble"? It sounds like he's awkward about it which can be as off putting as the issue itself.

 

Had you actually known each other better this would have come out prior to sex, because he knows about his medical issues. People with all sorts of neurological /urological issues fall in love and have sex all the time.

 

If there is sexual incompatibility or lack of attraction, how do you see this working out? Since this is anew relationship it may be best to cut your losses early and just tell him it's not working out rather than string him along knowing what you are feeling.

I felt like he was my bestfriend after only knowing him for 8 hours. fast forward to around 2 and a half weeks, we decided we were going to have sex. been together a month when he said I love you,the talk went from I love you to marriage.

 

we had a fumble in the bedroom. Let's just say it was gross and it really put me off.

[kl0712]

A month later and we still aren't having sex. Every time we start kissing or getting intimate I shut down and I'm all of a sudden not in the mood. We completely stopped having sex because I told him that the incident really affected me and I believe we had rushed things. He said that he would wait till I'm ready and wad quite understanding. We weren't even doing foreplay up until two weeks ago and both times I wasn't even in to it that much. I think its because my mind is still wrapped around the incident and it still bothers me and I can't let it go. To some people it may not of been a big deal but unfortunately that's not the case with me. I had told him that if this incident happened again that I don't think I could handle it l. He had said that even if he does take the proper precautions that's it very well might happen again and things like this would only get worse with his age. That completely and utterly terrifies me. I'm afraid I'm not ready for something like that. The whole main reason I'm so torn about this is because any girl would kill to have a guy like him as far as his personality & the way be treats woman go. But he has a lot of baggage and I understood that in the beginning but I'm not so sure im ready for the commitment of that baggage. And its baggage that he cant help, thats why part of me feels crappy for the way that I am feeling. Because he deserves the world and to be someones everything. It pains me to feel this way because he feels so much for me. He believes I'm the one and although in the beginning I felt that way too, now my feelings are different. I think that's because of the incident & I hate that being the reason...

[Telemachus]

What's wrong with friendship? There's no way you should be having sexual contact with someone you aren't attracted to in that way. That's reserved for arranged marriages and sex-for-money situations, and your situation is neither of those.

 

If he makes another move toward physical intimacy, tell him you don't feel that way about him. Certainly don't respond positively or make your own move in that direction.

 

You could still end up together long-term, but celibate relationships where there is no sexual activity are out of my area of experience. I don't advocate them, especially for people under age 50.

[Wiseman2]

Even though he is a nice guy, this incident and the baggage are deal-breakers for you and that's ok. It may be best to let him down easy and end it rather than string him along if you can't stomach sexuality with him.

He doesn't have any control over his bladder or bowel movements

[kl0712]

I just hate hurting people.. But you're right its better to end things rather than string him along. He deserves better than that

[zeino]

You don't have to stay with anyone because of guilt, pity, compassion or gratefulness. Virtuous as it may seem, it is controlling in a covert sense that by staying with them, you are actually limiting their chances to find true love and happiness with a partner who doesn't mind their situation. He may hurt but he will be over it and is still an attractive man to many women. Let him experience that. He has been in this situation before and he survived it, let him do that again until he finds the right partner. Live and let live.