Girlfriend hasn't wanted sex in over 3 years.

[Midgar]

So here's some background.

I'm 25 she's 21 and we've been together for over 4 years, live together.

We haven't had sex in 3 years. I generally have a pretty high and experimentive sort of sex drive and me and my ex were very compatible in that regard.

I understand not everyone is like that so for my current girlfriend I've been a bit more conventional like she is.

Im fine with it, but the point I'm making is it becomes so much harder to except no sex with a libido like mine.

 

After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me.

No, I do not blame that all on the lack of sex. But it was a tipping point, most of what caused me to be that person came from my passed and childhood.

 

After 6 months she gave me another chance, and I proved that people can change as after 2 years I've barely raised my voice. I sort out help and generally was very determined to turn my aggression around.

She also slept with someone else when we were apart, I could have, but found myself not being able to go through with it because I still loved her so much. It was a crushing blow.

 

It makes everything going on even harder for me, because after 2 years I'm not the last person she had sex with, I see the guy around who it is and it's eats me up inside.

Whenever I talk to her about it, it always somehow ends in why I'm a massive p****. Then I cry on my own for a while, and try to get back to acting myself accepting the fact I'm just a p**** for bringing it up.

Though at this point it's more being obviously depressed that brings it all up, rather me trying to talk about it. I gave up talking about it a long time ago.

 

In all honesty, I don't know how much longer I can survive this. But I love her so much, I know she loves me to, we are affectionate to eachother.

But for me it all feels sort of fake, without sex holding it all together, if you know what I mean.

Outside the sex stuff we're like best friends, we were very close friends for years before we even got together. I may never find that with someone again.

 

I don't want to leave her, but even if I did, I'd be homeless (unless your car counts) . I have no one else to fall back on, I'm not into the business of making myself homeless. As unhappy as I am, I'll be worse without her and homeless..

Rolling over and die seems about the best option nowadays.

 

I've endured this rejected feeling for years now, I don't know what to do, feels like no matter what I'll be unhappy and without the confidence I used to have.

 

I know it's partly due to the fact I hurt her all them years ago.

But for how long do I have to live with my mistakes? I regreted it so much.

I never broke anything, made her bleed, or anything serious.

I get its not really about that but, I feel like one of those people. After being treated the way I have for so long. Why did she give me another chance if I'm still living by my mistakes? All I've done is prove that I am a better person, but I feel more punished now then when I was not such a great person.

[gp11a]

Does not sound like you are getting a lot out of this relationship - you deserve to be happy, as well. Have you guys tried counseling?

 

Why would you be homeless? Could you not get an apartment or somewhere else to live? Do you have a job now and did you have anything prior to meeting your girlfriend?

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

I regret that your past taught you behaviors that were destructive.

 

I applaud you, really truly applaud you, for finding a way to lose the aggression.

 

Now, I challenge you to (1) forgive yourself - you've earned that by both recognizing the source and changing your behavior. (2) Learn the tools of conflict resolution. Conflict resolution and assertiveness are skills that we have to learn, not character traits, but skills. Think of it as "effective communication".

 

Where I live, there are classes offered by local governments and non profit organizations. The training provides a necessary life skill.

 

What's going on in your relationship is not effective communication. Your gf is using your shame against you, and your needs are going unmet. This is both unfair and unkind.

 

Forget her motivations and what's really going on; many people will write about that here. Focus on you and your growth. Your relationship will resolve itself.

 

Keep going forward, young man. If you learn to be kind to yourself, you will find kindness in others.

[Wiseman2]

Why would you be homeless without her? Don't you work? You can get your own place, you don't need to "fall back on" anyone it sounds like you are just roommates at this point and you can find another roommate anywhere.

 

You are not in a romantic relationship.

 

What happened when you "physically hurt her but she took you back"?

I'm 25 she's 21 and we've been together for over 4 years, live together.We haven't had sex in 3 years.

I don't want to leave her, but even if I did, I'd be homeless (unless your car counts) . I have no one else to fall back on. I'll be worse without her and homeless..

[Midgar]

I've suggested counciling, but to no avail. Considered going on my own.

It's tricky. Yes, eventually I'd have my own place again, I work and all that.

But I don't have that money readily available now, the process of finding somewhere can be long also.

Basically I'd have no where to go for at least a month if we broke up tomorrow.

[Midgar]

@IThinkICan

Thanks, I appreciate it, I was mostly expecting to get flamed for my actions.

 

What you said about forgetting her motivations helped. It's given a perspective I didn't have before.

[thornz]

There's nothing conventional about not having sex with your partner. I personally would consider it emotional abuse when she is withholding sex, it seems, as a punishment.

 

If you have no money to move out start saving and prepare to leave and move into an affordable shared house because you are just housemates. You must contribute financially in this arrangement so you just need the initial deposit right?

[Midgar]

@Wiseman2

That is how it feels sometimes. If it wasnt for the "I love yous" and general affection I think I'd be convinced.

Well I meant fall back as in having someone who could put me up for a few nights over sleeping on Park benches. Honestly I don't really have any friends, I guess I'm guilty of focusing to much time into my relationships I've lost all the friends I had, that old chestnut.

Well every so often I'd fly off the handle over stupid things. Break objects, punch things. Eventually it moved up to hitting her on places like the arm or shoulder, pushing her aside sort of thing.

I know there are far worse examples then me. But it's not about what I specifically did, it how it made her feel. Which turns out is as bad as someone who could have ppunched her black and blue.

[Midgar]

@thornz

No I meant the sex was conventional when we were having sex. Not that's its conventional to not have sex.

Yea I'm working on it, I need a scape goat because at the moment it's sort of fall in line, or be homeless.

Not her words, just the fact of the matter really.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but it's astounding that she lets you continue to live there. Agree with other posters save your money, find a place to live, room whatever and get out before it gets worse and she has you arrested one day.

Break objects, punch things.Eventually it moved up to hitting her on places like the arm or shoulder, pushing her aside sort of thing.

[Midgar]

Sorry but it's astounding that she lets you continue to live there. Agree with other posters save your money, find a place to live, room whatever and get out before it gets worse and she has you arrested one day.

 

I get what your saying. But the last time i hit her was over 2 years ago now.

I'm also 99% sure she doesn't want me in jail.

[Wiseman2]

It's an abusive relationship, not to mention sexless. It's best to prepare to move out because it sounds like she hasn't forgiven you.

But the last time i hit her was over 2 years ago now.

I'm also 99% sure she doesn't want me in jail.

[Midgar]

It's an abusive relationship, not to mention sexless. It's best to prepare to move out because it sounds like she hasn't forgiven you.

 

Posting this thread is the first time i've come out with any of this. I've never spoken of any of it, not even to family. (even if i left out the physical abuse stuff, all this still makes me look bad) it's hard to admit something to people that obviously emasculates you.

But, everyone here seems to be thinking what i've thought for a while. So this has given me lots of clarity.

I'm not saying i'm going to straight up listen to any of you, i'm not about to hang 4 years of my life on the line based on an internet thread, but yea, lots of clarity.

[Edmund Exley]

 

I know it's partly due to the fact I hurt her all them years ago.

But for how long do I have to live with my mistakes? I regreted it so much.

 

Well, thats entirely up to you. As long as you choose.