Right or Wrong - travel for work

[Committed]

I travel for work, a lot. 170 days so far this year. My girlfriend of two years and I make it work in several ways - extravagant dates when I'm home, travel plans for vacation multiple times a year, sometimes she joins me on work trips. But there's one thing she continues to get upset about and I need to understand who's being unreasonable.

 

I will try to explain as objectively as possible. My connection flight to my working country is through the country where my sister lives, and every two or three months I try to extend my connection so that I can stay a few days (3-4) with my sister. My work trips are typically 3 weeks long, so I spend around 25 days away from my girlfriend instead of 21.

 

Each time this happens, our conversations usually end with her extremely upset and I'm usually the bad guy... But I'm tired of being the bad guy.

 

I've explained my feelings to her:

We live in a different country and have a poor relationship with all my family

It's important for me to preserve this relationship with my sister

Girlfriend and I live in the same neighborhood as her mom, dad, and 3 siblings so it makes me miss my family because we are with hers every day

If I use work trips to visit my sister I won't have to buy a seperate plane ticket

I have to fly for work 3 weeks at a time because thats what my job requires. In addition, it's good money and I'm saving so our lives will be easier in the future.

 

Her feelings:

It's hard for her when I travel

She misses me while I'm gone

It's unfair that I choose to stay away from home longer than I have to

 

 

I've tried several different approaches

-inviting her along to my short stays with my sister but she dislikes my sister

-preplanning each trip with her for her approval, but she never approves

-planning my trip and then giving her the dates after I've reserved them

 

Nothing works, she is always furious with me when the subject comes up. Am I being selfish that I extend time away from home in order to visit my family? Should she understand and accept?

 

I hope I gave enough of the situation so that the feedback will be relevant

[Wiseman2]

If she wants a future with you, yes. Your reasons are valid, hers are whiny.

Should she understand and accept?

[notalady]

 

 

-inviting her along to my short stays with my sister but she dislikes my sister

 

I think this might be the main issue / cause.

 

She's being unreasonable. Your sister is your family and you're entirely entitled to spend a mere 3 days to see her.

[SkellyWoozle]

She's being unreasonable. If she doesn't like your sister, that's her problem. That said, if you see a genuine future with her, can you be doing with this EVERY time you go away. Would your GF want to go and stay as well if you asked her? I'm guessing either not or very reluctantly. Family should come first in this instant.

[Lester]

170 days away with still eleven weeks to go?

It's not about her, the sister or the family.

 

No intimate relationship can survive your job.

[greta96]

Yes she is being unreasonable, and she is doing it because you have allowed this behavior from the beginning. Had you been firm the first time this happened and told her "listen, this is my life, if you don't think it's something you are interested in then maybe we shouldn't start anything", she would have either passed on the relationship or tried to understand you better and made an effort to at least be on civil terms with your sister. I reckon the reason your sister doesn't like her is because she picked up on how demanding, controlling and jealous your girlfriend is, and in turn your girlfriend picked up on your sister's disapproval of her, which is why the tension exists.

You need to be extremely firm and stick with your plans to spend those few days with your sister. Family is more important than anything, and if your girlfriend has a problem with it, she can go find herself a different boyfriend - preferably one who doesn't travel this much and who isn't all that keen on family.

Also I think you are making a mistake by letting her "pre-approve" your travel plans, why on earth would you do that? She's supposed to be your partner not your boss! Why give her this much power over your life?

 

I would never be able to be with someone who disapproved of me spending time with family. That's one of those instances where I'd be all like "well if you don't like it, there's the door, because I will never turn my back on my family".

[reinventmyself]

Not everyone is cut out for your life style. Some can handle the separation and some cannot.

My last relationship was like yours and my ex husband was gone for days at a time. People asked me how I handled it. I thought the question odd, but realizing that it's not typical. I am just one of those who is cut out for it.

Most are not.

 

It's not right or wrong. It's just different.

Consider carefully if this relationship is one for the long haul. She needs to support what she agreed to when she got into a relationship with you.

Not complain about it after the fact.

[Capttrae]

170 days away with still eleven weeks to go?

It's not about her, the sister or the family.

 

No intimate relationship can survive your job.

 

That's where you are wrong. Just takes a certain kind of relationship. Case in point, I work offshore, stay gone minimum 28 days at a time like the rest of my co workers, before I continue I will say the kind of relationships I'm fixin to talk about are exceedingly rare but they do happen. The master of the vessel I work on has been married to his wife for close to 25 years, they started dating in highschool and he came out here shortly after graduation. We are gone right at 290 days a year working 28 on 14 off.

 

To the OP, do your job, see your family bc in the end they will be the ones that you'll want around the most. Gf's come and go, if one whines bc you take a few extra days to see your family 1) she's immature 2) she don't have your best intrest at heart

[itsallgrand]

She's surrounded by family and yet begrudges you taking a little bit of time to see your sister?! That's unreasonable and a bit unkind in my opinion on her part. Whether she enjoys your sisters company or not is besides the point - your relationship with your sister is important to you and it isn't fair to you that she ask you give that up.

She knew going in that you would be gone a lot for work. That she would get furious you see your sister suggests she feels a sort of entitlement to your time off work. That isn't reasonable either, in fact, I'd call it a bit controlling.