Lonely in my Marriage

[NadiaC]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been married for 12 years. My son was born in 2011 and since then our relationship has deteriorated. For me, it mainly started to deteriorate because my husband refused to let my son ever sleep out or let us do anything on our own. So for the last 5 years we have not gone out alone or have had any time alone. My husband asked me if we can go and watch a comedian, so I booked tickets and arranged for my son to sleep over at my mom's house. On the morning of the show, my husband said that he felt bad for leaving our son somewhere while we are having fun so I had to give the tickets to my sister who left both her sons at my moms house to attend the show.

 

The next time I organised something on his request, he told me two days prior to it that he forgot that it is his friend from works birthday party and that we should go there. So I asked him what time the party started and he said 7pm. The party was 80km from our house and usually my son goes to bed at 8pm. So the evening ended up with him going to the party alone and me staying at home looking after my son instead of going to the show which I paid for.

 

That was the last time I tried. I had a discussion with him where I told him that we don't spend time together anymore. His reply was that we should "try harder". So I told him that if he is not going to try, then I will look for someone else. So he told me that I have had a baby and that NO-ONE will ever want me again. That was the last time I tried. I was very upset and have not had the conversation with him since 2011. The next day, after the conversation, I registered on a dating site to see if someone will still "want" me. I started chatting to people within minutes and soon we had email communication and started sharing photos. It wasn't long before I picked a favourite between them. He was 15 years my senior but were intelligent and made me feel good about myself. We met up a few weeks later for a cup of coffee for the first time and discussed both our circumstances and what we wanted out of a relationship. It soon started as a full blown affair. I was lucky because he was very organised (Not like my husband at all). So he would arrange for us to see each other once every two weeks or sometimes every week during work hours. We would meet up at a fancy hotel and he would make me feel special. It helped me to survive my life at home and to deal with the rejection from my husband. This went on for 3 years. During our relationship, he also got married to another woman who he has been dating for a few years.

 

Last year my "lover" informed me that his wife (who is also 15 years younger than he is), is pregnant and that they are expecting a child. He was devastated and said that they have discussed children before their marriage and that they both agreed that there won't be any kids as he already had kids in his first marriage. Either way, this was the last time I ever saw him. She was already 6 months pregnant and it started to become a reality to him that his life will be changing tremendously. He still contacted me weekly up until the baby was born.

 

So what happened to me? I became the lonely wife again. This time it is different. I have no desire to replace him and things at home is even worse than before. I want to blame the fact that I have had an affair, but unfortunately it started prior to that.

 

I feel extremely lonely and not only miss my lover but also miss the gap in my life that he managed to fill.

 

What about my husband? Well, I know he loves me more than anything else on earth. Whatever I ask him now, he does for me and I have "grown up to be pretty" - I know it sounds ridiculous but I know he is threatened by what I look like nowadays. However, I know we are both unhappy and that he will never do anything about it. How can I do something about it? We have lost our connection and I don't think it is something that we can gain again? We don't kiss, or hold hands or even talk anymore really. The only time he sends me a message is when he wants me to pay something or help him with something. He never says hello or anything. It really is tuff on me and I don't know how to tell him that I am unhappy and that I have been unhappy for years? He will be devastated.

 

Please help me! How do I approach a conversation with him? Seeing that we cannot talk about anything?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like a dead marriage and you have no feelings for him. Are these arranged marriages? They make no sense from a voluntary standpoint?

 

You claim he loves you and would do anything for you but you refuse to talk to him or be affectionate or romantic or even communicate. You can tell him you are unhappy, but it's not his fault if you simply resent him, miss your lover and refuse to communicate.

 

Why not suggest marriage counselling if you are willing to finally talk?

During our relationship, he also got married to another woman who he has been dating for a few years. Whatever I ask him now, he does for me

[1a1a]

Try and fix or split, don't settle for that. You'll be lonely alone too, but you can heal from that. Can't heal from lonely In a relationship.

[1a1a]

Try and fix or split, don't settle for that. You'll be lonely alone too, but you can heal from that. Can't heal from lonely In a relationship.

[Unreasonable]

Leave him. You should have done that a long time ago instead of cheating. The whole "you have a baby no one will want you thing" is BS. If you want to save the marriage, try couples counselling but at this point I think it's too late.

 

BTW, I am an only child and my parents took me EVERYWHERE. I can count on one hand the number of times they arranged sitting for me. At some point, it became annoying even for me. I felt smothered and am not as close to my parents as I think I should be because of that. He is doing your son no favors by doing that.

[lostandhurt]

Don't cheat again, go see a lawyer for advice on a divorce.

 

This marriage is dead. You are both probably nicer to total strangers than to each other.

 

Your son is learning this is how a marriage/family is which is not healthy. He should be around happy loving parents even if they are divorced.

 

Lost

[NadiaC]

Thank you for the replies and trying to put things into perspective for me. Instead of being attacked for my actions and how I see things people still give me advice from the heart.