Indecisive ex girlfriend? Do I still have a chance?

[p21metime]

I dated this girl for 2 years and a couple of months then she decided that we would be better off as friends. I initiated no contact but then after 3 days she initiates contact by asking how I'm doing and this happened more than twice. It has been almost a month since the break up and she is confusing me and my friends (trusted ones). The reason for the break up was because I put her on lock down which I realized after I lost her. I was too protective and controlling but she acted as if she was enjoying it by saying how it looks so cute when I'm being protective. She told me how much she hated it after we broke up. During the NC period, I've improved and broken old habits. She's always the one who initiates contact by asking how I am or like by telling me she's willing to have coffee and catch up. If it matters, she's also talking to her guy friends and one of them already has caught feelings for her but she doesn't see him in the same way that he does.

 

One day she's cold then she's hot the next day. She told me that she misses me and it gets a bit worse at night. She's only happy when she's distracted but when she's not talking to any one, she's sad. She got jealous once because I was talking to this girl that lives miles away from me. She told me that she's almost over me, but she still has pictures of us on facebook and videos of our dates on youtube. I've told a couple (few but trusted) friends about what is going on with me and her and they too are confused as hell. They can all tell that she misses me and even she (my ex) said that they're not wrong because she really is missing me. She also brings up old memories such as our first date and how we would listen to old cheesy songs in her room.

 

I asked her straight up yesterday if she has any intentions of reconciling with me and she said yes but in the future because she doesn't want a relationship right now. What should I do? Should I wait around for a bit or should I move on? Does "I don't want a relationship" mean "I don't want a relationship in general" or "I don't want a relationship with you"?

[Hollyj]

By staying in contact, you are only helping her transition onto another guy. Cut this off!!!!! She loves the attention, and you are feeding right into it. She's stringing you along.

 

Also, you do not change a controlling habit in a month. This takes time and possible therapy.

 

You do not speak to her unless she wants a full reconciliation. Period.

[p21metime]

What do you mean by stringing me along? and also she wants to take me out for my birthday, should I go?

[kbbcoop77]

What Holly said 100%...you're making it way to easy for her to dump you since she still gets to talk to you. If you want her to feel a smidgeon of what you're feeling you'll make it very clear to her you have no interest in being DOWNGRADED to friend status. Cut her off. If she wants to talk about the relationship and reconciliation she knows how to find you. Anything else is a waste of time and keeps you from healing and eventually finding someone who wants to be with you NOW not possibly in the future after they've dated others...screw that..!

[p21metime]

It all makes sense now. Thanks to the both of you! One more question it is my birthday soon and if she messages saying happy birthday, do I reply late or no reply at all?

[kbbcoop77]

A simple thanks is ok..really it's all about YOU and your healing..if you think it'll make you sad or set you back then don't respond. Serously I know how hard this is I've been through it with my wife who left me for someone else after 24 years together...but if you REALLY want to heal quicker you'll block her so you won't be checking your phone all the time. Block everything ..Facebook SnapChat Instagram etc...she has to disappear from your life if you want to heal and be the guy you were before she came into your life. Believe me if she wants to reconcile she'll find a way to contact you..I've had girlfriends that dumped me do that before, way before there were computers and cell phones etc...they find a way!

[dave_1966]

Can you please explain exactly what putting your girlfriend on 'lock down' means? If it's what I think it is, controlling behaviour/punishment, then you're in need of therapy and it's no surprise at all that you got dumped. How old are the two of you?

[p21metime]

Sorry for the lack of clarification but I called it lockdown bc i didnt allow her to do certain things such as join sports teams. I am a senior in high school and she's a junior. She struggled with her classes in her freshman and sophomore year because of sports and thats why i told her to skip sports for now and focus on her studies. Im excelling in school and last year finished with a 3.7 GPA. She nearly failed two of her classes in her freshman year and failed one course in sophomore year. I wanted her to focus on her studies because i didnt want her to worry and or stress about passing with a mark "thats good enough" to become pediatrician (what she wanted to be). We're both athletic people but the difference is that I'm the actual STUDENT-Athlete while she is just an athlete. I can excel in both but she struggles to do the same thing.

 

I was not punishing and or abusive in any way however. I see women as people and not punching bags. I was also an "old school" boyfriend that didn't care about what people had to say. Most guys my age see chivalry as "corny" or some might even say "gay" but i was a gentleman to her.

[Onderoo]

When she contacts you again. Tell her nicely and calmly that you adore her and want to be with her, but will not be her friend and to only contact you if she wants the same thing and to respect your wishes.

She will test you by still contacting you to try and be friends, but if you stick to your words, then you may have a chance of getting her back. Things are still fresh for both you and her so if you play your cards right, you may have a chance.

 

The same thing happened with my ex but I made the mistake of trying to be friends, which went on for 5 solid months and it hurt like hell. Until I drew the line and told her to contact me if she wanted to be with me. But by that point, it was too late and she moved on and decided to continue seeing someone else.

 

In short, exes want to remain friends so they could use you as a way of moving on. If you take that opportunity away, then they'll be nothing there for them to rely on to relieve their pain. You're in effect helping them heal at the expense of your feelings and making yourself feel worse.

 

Cut all ties and move on. If she really cares about you, she will come back. Actions speak louder than words.

 

As a general note. If your ex moves on with someone else. She may still come back if the relationship fails (Which is 98% of the time). So possibly between 6 months - 3 years. I would strongly recommend not taking her back if she does this as it basically demonstrates that she tried dipping her toes somewhere else to see if the grass was greener and came back because she couldn't find anyone better. Maintain your value and keep the door closed.

 

In future make it clear to every girl you date/commit to that they only have one shot with you and if they leave for someone else, there's no coming back.

 

Best of Luck.

[p21metime]

Thanks for the great advice. Do you think she has moved on already? She still has numerous pictures of us online. She's put some on private because she can't delete them because she still looks at them. She also has access to my other social media accounts and one still has everything that i posted about her (pics, videos, tweets).

[Onderoo]

Remove access to your accounts to subtly let her know that she no longer has access to your life. Genuinely move on, but don't let her see your pain. If she knows that you're angry, hurt or upset by it, it will give her the validation and increase the chances of not coming back. It's sadistic but it's how the ego works.

[Wiseman2]

She wants a bf not a controlling parent. Perhaps she told her parents about your 'lock-down" and they told her to dump you asap.

 

What are you thinking? She doesn't have to take your orders or be your clone. You have a lot of manning up to do if you think bullying younger girls is ok.

Sorry for the lack of clarification but I called it lockdown bc i didnt allow her to do certain things such as join sports teams.

[No1]

First off, you are not her father. There is no reason what so ever you should ever put a girl on Lock Down. If her grades are bad then its on her, you can try to motivate her or try another way but this Lock Down crap has got to go. This can (not saying it will but it can) lead to mental and physical abuse to your future GFs. So this mentality of controlling another human by fear, guilt or submission has got to end now. If you want to be a mentor, a motivator.. great, but dont be a controller. Even if she did say she liked it.. just stop.

 

So you are asking about what you should do about a girl who doesnt know what she wants to do? Right now she is like a leaf blowing in a storm. She might land on one place for a second and then the wind picks her up and takes her somewhere else. If you chase her wondering where she is going to land, then you are going to make yourself crazy. I know, Ive delt with this before. She might say she likes you but then goes off and starts talking to another guy, then comes back to you then goes out and flirts with other guys and the cycle continues. So what do you do?

 

My advice.. You dont chase. If she is confused then she has to sort things out. I am personally thinking she might have to have her parents take her to a doc and see if she has ADHD. So for now, you just let her go because this rubber banding thing you two have will have to stop and you are the one to stop it. Also another way to look at is, is what others have said and that is that talking to you might be a way to separate from you emotionally. She wants to know that you are okay and that eases some guilt she might have. Break the cycle and just tell her politely that when she figures things out and when her mind is made up, she knows how to find you. Then you go out and you begin to move forward with your life. Place yourself in a situation that if she ever does want to come back, you can decide to accept her in your life or not. This advice applies to the rest of your life and not just now.

 

Dont attempt to control or force or guilt, or scare her into an answer because she is only going to tell you what you want to hear and not what is truth. She has to do that on her own. Good luck

[p21metime]

Her parents are aware of what we had. Her mom went up to me after finding out about the break up and she was sad. She wanted us to work everything out and wanted us to get back together. Her mom saw me as a good person and Wanted me for her daughter because she saw how happy she was when she was around me and also she was aware of my lock down crap.

[p21metime]

First off, you are not her father. There is no reason what so ever you should ever put a girl on Lock Down. If her grades are bad then its on her, you can try to motivate her or try another way but this Lock Down crap has got to go. This can (not saying it will but it can) lead to mental and physical abuse to your future GFs. So this mentality of controlling another human by fear, guilt or submission has got to end now. If you want to be a mentor, a motivator.. great, but dont be a controller. Even if she did say she liked it.. just stop.

 

So you are asking about what you should do about a girl who doesnt know what she wants to do? Right now she is like a leaf blowing in a storm. She might land on one place for a second and then the wind picks her up and takes her somewhere else. If you chase her wondering where she is going to land, then you are going to make yourself crazy. I know, Ive delt with this before. She might say she likes you but then goes off and starts talking to another guy, then comes back to you then goes out and flirts with other guys and the cycle continues. So what do you do?

 

My advice.. You dont chase. If she is confused then she has to sort things out. I am personally thinking she might have to have her parents take her to a doc and see if she has ADHD. So for now, you just let her go because this rubber banding thing you two have will have to stop and you are the one to stop it. Also another way to look at is, is what others have said and that is that talking to you might be a way to separate from you emotionally. She wants to know that you are okay and that eases some guilt she might have. Break the cycle and just tell her politely that when she figures things out and when her mind is made up, she knows how to find you. Then you go out and you begin to move forward with your life. Place yourself in a situation that if she ever does want to come back, you can decide to accept her in your life or not. This advice applies to the rest of your life and not just now.

 

Dont attempt to control or force or guilt, or scare her into an answer because she is only going to tell you what you want to hear and not what is truth. She has to do that on her own. Good luck

 

 

Also, I did everything from motivating her to teaching her to how to do certain things but her extra curricular was interfering with her studies and even her parents were aware. Right now, I cut off all connections and like what everyone has said, if she wants to come back, she knows where to find me.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for the great advice. Do you think she has moved on already? She still has numerous pictures of us online. She's put some on private because she can't delete them because she still looks at them. She also has access to my other social media accounts and one still has everything that i posted about her (pics, videos, tweets).

 

It doesn't matter. She is not with you.

[p21metime]

So she made up her mind and decided to come back and see if her feelings will change. She said she has love for me but is not entirely in love with me but she is hoping that she will feel change and fall back in love with me. How do I do this? How do I make her fall back in love with me? She noticed major changes such as me allowing her to have fun and talk to other people and she told me that she's liking it. Can falling back in love actually happen?

[albie]

So she made up her mind and decided to come back and see if her feelings will change. She said she has love for me but is not entirely in love with me but she is hoping that she will feel change and fall back in love with me. How do I do this? How do I make her fall back in love with me? She noticed major changes such as me allowing her to have fun and talk to other people and she told me that she's liking it. Can falling back in love actually happen?

 

Just make sure you give her plenty of space and let her come to you. She should feel free when she is with you. I hope it works out for you both. Good Luck.