Leaving husband of 24 years, son has depression, concerned about son's reaction

[janesp]

Hi,

I have been married for 24 years to a man whom I do not love anymore. He is emotionally stunted, we share nothing in common anymore, he only ever shows affection when he wants sex, and the only conversation we have is on a practical level (Have you fed the cat? Don't forget to hoover etc..) He never takes me anywhere, shows any love ( although he says it from time to time) buys me gifts, pays me compliments. I had got used to it but met someone 2 years ago who over the last 10 months have fallen deeply in love with who is the complete opposite. I have now never felt so loved, supported and wanted and we desperately want to make a life together. Although we are having an affair of sorts, I haven't slept with him yet, can you believe, because I feel I want to retain some moral high ground when I finally leave my husband.

 

My problem is... my son has recently returned from University and back living with us. He is desperately looking for a job so he can move away and be independent again but he suffers from depression, and is not doing very well at the moment so I am supporting him ( my husband doesn't have the emotional skills to do so and has never engaged with his recovery). My primary concern is what his reaction will be to me leaving his father for another man. I feel like I can't go on like this indefinitely. My new love lives in the same village and I am constantly on alert because I think we are going to be discovered any minute but at the same time, I feel I should wait until my son moves out and is settled. I am even more worried about my son's reaction if we are discovered and he hears from someone else. I am not moving out without him so will rent somewhere if my son has to stay on indefinitely but really feel he should not be around when I leave.

 

I don't want advice on reconciliation with my husband. I have talked to him many times about our problems and he is in denial. Just two weeks ago I told him I had been unhappy for a long time, and he hadn't noticed. The following weekend he could have done something to reassure me but he went surfing with his mate. My marriage is over, I just want advice on how I deal with the breakup as far as my son goes. Thanks in anticipation.

[kbbcoop77]

My wife left me after 24 years, she also left me for another man (family friend..)

Anyways, be prepared for the fallout. Our son refuses to talk to her, hasn't in well over a year. He came back to live with me for a bit after his breakup, he told me he has nothing to say to her...our daughter was still in high school, she still lives with me, she talks to her mom but hardly sees her and has never spent the night with her. Breakups/divorces with kids changes everything. Sorry about your relationship with your husband, reality is you're cheating on him even it is only emotionally so far. Once you found someone else you've started detaching from him so he's gonna get the hammer. Personally I would recommend counseling for yourself and later for the 2 of you but I know you're not going to do that ...just prepare for the dynamic with your kid(s) to change.

[denzie0321]

My ex told me he loves me more than his wife (ex wife) when we were together because he lied to me that they were divorced. Like you he also told me he feels the feelings he never felt before, and planned to be with me and all. However, the day he came out clean he told me he can't leave and divorce her because of their 15 yrs.old son has OCD and aspergers. I know about his son's situation and yes i can say he is in worse case to deal with everyday if his sickness started. He stayed and told me that they will fix their marriage for their son's sake. His wife still loves him but he loves her as a family or sister only. But he loves his son more so he gave me up just to stay and sacrifice his own happiness. Now we don't have any contact (I chose to block him everywhere).

 

In your case, your son is adult and for sure if you will just try to be honest with your feelings and explain it to them how you really feel, maybe just maybe they will understand even it's painful. Staying in your marriage if you are unhappy will cause more damage in the end. But, if there are hopes that it still can be fixed through counselling just do so.

Goodluck.

[greta96]

Hi,

I have been married for 24 years to a man whom I do not love anymore. He is emotionally stunted, we share nothing in common anymore, he only ever shows affection when he wants sex, and the only conversation we have is on a practical level (Have you fed the cat? Don't forget to hoover etc..) He never takes me anywhere, shows any love ( although he says it from time to time) buys me gifts, pays me compliments..

 

Your son will live, he is an adult and depression or not, he will deal somehow. I just want to make sure you are aware that the part of your post I quoted will eventually apply to you and the new guy. He sounds wonderful right now because you are in the honeymoon period, and this is a clandestine "relationship" that is still exciting because of the novelty and anticipation. But if you think 20 years from now it won't be just as the marriage you are trying to leave, think again. Once you live together and have to share a toilet on a daily basis and see each other's dirty hampers on the regular, once you have to cook for him and clean and see each other freely day in and day out, you will both eventually get to the point you are at now with your husband. He won't keep paying you compliments, buying you gifts etc any more than your husband does, this is not something that is sustainable long term. Plus, I would see a huge red flag in his willingness to mess with a married woman, how will you trust him not to do the same with the next married woman he meets and feels attracted to? Not to mention - how will he ever be able to trust you, when he saw first hand what you did to your husband? You may very well be leaving an ok situation for a much worse one, and lose your son's respect in the process, so be aware of that.

 

I'm not saying don't leave your husband, if you no longer love him then there's no point in sticking with the marriage, it wouldn't be fair to him or to you. But going straight in a relationship with that guy is such a bad idea, and I have huge doubts it will last and that you will be happy. Quite the opposite, I feel disappointment is waiting for you just around the corner, but it will hit you only after you've given up everything in order to be with him. You may want to take a couple of years to yourself, date around if you wish, and not get involved with someone you will never have 100% trust with.

[Edmund Exley]

The best thing you can do at this time is divorce the husband, and not rush the new guy into the picture. Then it will feel like it happened naturally.

 

My wife was in the process of divorcing her first husband when we started talking to each other. Her children were a girl that was 15 and a boy that was 12 at the time. We took careful steps to not rush me right into the picture and the kids took to me naturally. I think if they even had the slightest idea that their mom left their dad for me (which wasnt the case), they wouldn't like me very much.

[Wiseman2]

Are you legally divorced or still living with your husband? Your son does need to be burdened with all the adult matters of the divorce no less your affair or personal life or justification for a divorce.

 

Be careful not to speak poorly of your husband to your son, that's still his father and why make him take sides on top of his already existing problems.

 

Damage to kids during divorce is not the divorce itself it is parents inadvertently making kids feel like they should support one parent over the other.

 

Go to a therapist to discuss the demise of your marriage and your affair, feelings, etc. Discussing your secret affair with your son is inappropriate, he is not your love-life confidant.

 

Also consult an attorney about the practical matters of divorce and what it entails and what your course of action should be. This should be your main concern, not concealing your affair indefinitely until you get the courage to do the right thing..

I had got used to it but met someone 2 years ago Although we are having an affair of sorts. when I finally leave my husband.

my son has recently returned from University and back living with us. My primary concern is what his reaction will be to me leaving his father for another man.

[DancingFool]

I can understand leaving your husband if your marriage is truly bad and dead as you say.

 

As for this other man, be careful and beware. Of course he makes you feel so wanted - he is actively chasing you and trying to steal a woman from another man. Think about that carefully and rationally. There are quite a few men out there that truly get off on the excitement of the chase, thus the attention, the compliments, the giving you whatever you want to sweep you off your feet. It's quite a high and some of that you are feeling yourself and it's intoxicating and you know it. However, those same men will often fade into the sunset as soon as you become theirs and no longer an object to be chased and stolen.

 

So what I am getting at is if you want to leave your marriage think it through carefully and do it for the right reasons and not because you think this new guy will keep giving you what you want. Even if he wanted to, as another poster pointed out, it's not sustainable in the long run. If you will divorce, then be single, clear your head, find yourself as a single woman and don't jump into any guy's arms thinking he will save you. That only works in fairy tales. In real life, I fear you will be in for a very rude awakening.

 

Regarding your son, is he getting medical care? Genuine clinical depression requires medication. Just be careful that your care isn't enabling him to continue the status quo instead of working on getting out of it with the help of doctors and therapy.

[j.man]

If I were to try and put myself in the son's shoes, there wouldn't so much be a falling out as there would be me naturally supporting the father (while certainly not throwing myself into the mix of things). Regardless of the merits behind you leaving him, having cheated on your husband lost you any sort of level ground. Do you think you really deserve your son treating you peachy?

 

But what's done is done. We do things and there are consequences. It's better to face them sooner than later. Eventually, all parties will move on.

[Hermes]

What Dancing said:

 

"If you will divorce, then be single, clear your head, find yourself as a single woman and don't jump into any guy's arms thinking he will save you. That only works in fairy tales. In real life, I fear you will be in for a very rude awakening.

"

 

Feedback from the OP would be nice.

[Edmund Exley]

I know plenty of people who left unhappy marriages and moved right on into a happy one. They just don't come to places like here to discuss them because they don't need to. They are happy.

[janesp]

Thanks everyone for your advice and input. Just to clear a few things, as I know it's difficult to state the whole situation in a post, and I do realise you end up exposing yourself to judge and jury on these sorts of forums:

I am aware that I am being unfaithful even if it is only emotionally and realise I do not occupy any moral highground and do not purport to. I didn't seek an extra marital relationship. We have been friends for a while and things progressed after I had a bit of trauma in my life and he was the only one who came to my aid, and listened to me. We have been fighting these feelings for 18 months. He, too, is unhappily married. My husband hasn't recently bcome unattentive. He has never paid me compliments, never shown affection without wanting sex, etc etc. This isn't a recent thing.

 

I am a 49 year old woman who has been around the block. I am not naive enough to think this is going to ends like a fairy tale with all parties smiling and getting on with each other. Of couse my son receives medical attention. Of course I am not going to bad mouth my husband to my son. Of course I am going to set up a new home on my own before I 'jump into my new guy's arms thinking he will save me.' Of course I am not going to discuss my 'secret' affair with my son.

With all due respect, the statement ' he is actively chasing you and trying to steal a woman from another man.' sounds like something out of the dark ages. I do not 'belong' to my husband. I cannot be stolen from anyone because I do not belong to anyone and will never belong to anyone. Marriages are a partnership. People change, things end, life goes on.

 

I don't expect my son to treat me 'peachy'. I am not concerned about myself in this, just whether or not it will cause him to regress and I was hoping to get some insight from someone who might have been through similar. As the last post said, 'plenty of people who left unhappy marriages and moved right on into a happy one'. My parents did.

 

All that said, I really appreciate the time you have taken to respond and thankyou. It has certainly given me food for thought.

[Edmund Exley]

Well said.

[TMifune]

With all due respect, the statement ' he is actively chasing you and trying to steal a woman from another man.' sounds like something out of the dark ages. I do not 'belong' to my husband. I cannot be stolen from anyone because I do not belong to anyone and will never belong to anyone. Marriages are a partnership. People change, things end, life goes on.

 

The phrase "stolen away" is meant to indicate that this man is disrespecting your wedding vows. And that in essence is a disrespect for you. You can quibble over the semantics and scream to the high-heavens how "nobody owns you, but it doesn't change the reality. He has no respect for his wedding vows. He has no respect for your wedding vows. And you have no respect for your wedding vows either. That's not about ownership, that's about meaning what you say when you make a promise. When you really value a promise that you've made, you don't entice other people to break a similar promise, it's a violation of that value. It is an accurate demonstration of how much he actually values that promise.

 

I don't expect my son to treat me 'peachy'. I am not concerned about myself in this, just whether or not it will cause him to regress and I was hoping to get some insight from someone who might have been through similar. As the last post said, 'plenty of people who left unhappy marriages and moved right on into a happy one'. My parents did.

 

The time to think about how your son would react is long past. That's the kind of thing you should really do before you start down a path that's likely to turn his world upside down. The damage is done now. The only thing you can do is be honest with him, accept complete responsibility for everything and hope that one day he'll forgive you. That said, in the interest of honesty it's probably best that you stop pretending that this wasn't all about you and that your son's feelings on it are anything more than an afterthought.

[janesp]

The phrase "stolen away" is meant to indicate that this man is disrespecting your wedding vows. And that in essence is a disrespect for you. You can quibble over the semantics and scream to the high-heavens how "nobody owns you, but it doesn't change the reality. He has no respect for his wedding vows. He has no respect for your wedding vows. And you have no respect for your wedding vows either. That's not about ownership, that's about meaning what you say when you make a promise. When you really value a promise that you've made, you don't entice other people to break a similar promise, it's a violation of that value. It is an accurate demonstration of how much he actually values that promise.

 

 

 

The time to think about how your son would react is long past. That's the kind of thing you should really do before you start down a path that's likely to turn his world upside down. The damage is done now. The only thing you can do is be honest with him, accept complete responsibility for everything and hope that one day he'll forgive you. That said, in the interest of honesty it's probably best that you stop pretending that this wasn't all about you and that your son's feelings on it are anything more than an afterthought.

 

Oooh, that was a bit harsh. I'm afraid I don't live in the morally perfect world that you inhabit. I'll look on Google Earth to see whereabouts it is. Guessing somewhere near Sanctimonia and with a climate of hellfire and brimstone. Where I live people, on the whole, are a lot more human, less judgemental and realise that people change over time. You pick on semantics but I believe that people should choose their words carefully on a forum such as this. Words are, (excuse the corruption of the well known phrase) mightier than the sword, and can cause just as much damage. Just as well I wasn't feeling vulnerable when I read your post.

[TMifune]

Oooh, that was a bit harsh. I'm afraid I don't live in the morally perfect world that you inhabit. I'll look on Google Earth to see whereabouts it is. Guessing somewhere near Sanctimonia and with a climate of hellfire and brimstone. Where I live people, on the whole, are a lot more human, less judgemental and realise that people change over time. You pick on semantics but I believe that people should choose their words carefully on a forum such as this. Words are, (excuse the corruption of the well known phrase) mightier than the sword, and can cause just as much damage. Just as well I wasn't feeling vulnerable when I read your post.

 

Hit a little close to home?

 

That's the kind of defensive behavior that's going to push your son farther away if you indulge in it when you tell him what's happening. I understand this is a difficult time, but I hope you'll see that I'm saying that not to upset you but in the hopes that you'll actually consider it in how you approach him. If nothing else I hope you take away the following:

 

The damage is done now. The only thing you can do is be honest with him, accept complete responsibility for everything and hope that one day he'll forgive you.

[janesp]

Okay - I think I will leave it there. Don't want to feed the troll.