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When your whole life is a mess


Lovelavie

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Ok, so this is year has been ridiculously overwhelming when it comes to relationships. I got dumped after dating for a year and a half with a guy I was completely in love with, not only for him to start seeing another girl 2 weeks after our break up, when I was still miserable, and now he's still with her. He took forever to post pictures of us on social media when we first started dating because "he didn't wanna hurt his ex" and now he posts pictures with this new girl without hesitating. He also stopped following random girls and just jumped into this relationship like I meant nothing to him. Introduced to all of his friends and now all he does is hang out with her every weekend like he used to do with me.

I haven't looked at his profile in a while and I saw that he blocked me so I wouldn't see the pictures with this new girl, because he KNOWS that he got with her way too fast. He was a really good boyfriend but he did lots of things that made me mad and jealous only to call me crazy (which I ended up acting like I was in the end of our relationship because I was so fed up) that he doesn't do with this girl.

 

I also met this guy who I spent 5 months with, between lots of ups and downs, and his life is a mess too, he barely has time, he's gonna have a kid with another woman (check my previous posts), he made a mess out of my life because I ended up falling for him and he's a total loser. He has nothing to offer me, yet I insisted on him because for some reason I liked him.

 

I go out a lot, I'm always with my friends, but when I'm out I have no interest in meeting anyone, all guys have the same approach, none of them grab my attention and it just feels so boring. I know life isn't all about relationships, but I'm just really unhappy in this area of my life. I'm an attractive girl and I do get hit on a lot, it's just that no one really gets to me. I feel like everything is going wrong and I just don't understand. I also have these friends I go out with but the ones I consider my true friends I barely see, either because they're too busy or they simply don't wanna do anything, so I end up going out with the girls that are always up to something.

 

I feel stupid, because I got dumped by the person I loved the most and he found someone right away and I'm stuck here not knowing what to do with my life and thinking how unlucky I am to dedicate myself so much to someone only for them to fall in love with another pretty face and to meet a guy who flipped my world upside down and is nothing compared to my ex boyfriend.

 

My birthday is in 3 weeks and I don't even feel like celebrating. I've been trying to hold it together but I'm realizing ever since March when the fights started with my ex until now has been 7 months and ever since nothing has been ok. This was one of the worst years of my life emotionally speaking.

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All I can suggest to turn your luck around is to start a fresh new perspective and approach on your birthday. Review your goals and relationship desires and carefully reflect and implant what you want to see happening for yourself.

 

Be confident enough to ditch anyone as soon as any red flags /deal breakers present themselves.

 

Get some great pics of yourself and a good profile together on some dating apps. At 22 you are in prime time and will have lots of luck. Take the proactive approach and message and meet men who interest you rather than wait to be hit on by any old loser. Filter and screen appropriately.

I also met this guy who I spent 5 months with, between lots of ups and downs, and his life is a mess too he's gonna have a kid with another woman he made a mess out of my life because I ended up falling for him and he's a total loser. He has nothing to offer me, yet I insisted on him because for some reason I liked him.
...This guy?

 

 

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Yes, it's that guy. It took me forever to ditch him, I don't know if I was needy or what, but I just felt like I couldn't leave but I finally did.

 

I know I'm young, I'm not really looking for something serious, only if I meet someone who I really thought was the one. I'm just tired of dealing with stupid guys. I wouldn't mind going out with someone every once in a while that I enjoy as long as they didn't cause me such a headache as that guy did.

 

I also enjoy going out a lot, I'm definitely not a stay at home person, and every guy that likes going out too doesn't like commitment, the ones who do are probably doing "stay at home" things, so it's hard.

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Thomas Edison once said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways it won't work."

 

You've been through some bitter learning experiences this year, but if you use those lessons to change the way you approach love it will help you create something better in your life.

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Losers are the only guys who are interesting to you right now. That's a sign of inmaturity on your part.

 

I honestly think you need some time to get over your long term relationship and mature a bit. Maturity helps you realize some key internal pillars for a healthy relationship. You don't have that yet.

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Yes, I know it's a lack of maturity on my part also, but I just don't know how to approach it and what the ideal relationship is to me. My ex used to be "the ideal" boyfriend, there were issues here and there but nothing I couldn't stand, however, he wasn't happy with the relationship the way I was so it would never work out.

 

I feel like my whole life I've dated men that needed to be "fixed", they either had a problem with drugs or alcohol, or were narcissists or depressed. I've had wonderful times with them, don't get me wrong, but it just seems like I'm attracted to people who have issues and I always feel like I want to help them when it's actually out of my reach.

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What Ms. Darcy said:

 

"Losers are the only guys who are interesting to you right now. That's a sign of inmaturity on your part.

 

"I honestly think you need some time to get over your long term relationship and mature a bit. Maturity helps you realize some key internal pillars for a healthy relationship. You don't have that yet."

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You seem to have good insight into this, so you can avoid the fixer uppers in the future by cutting your losses when you see red flags/deal breakers such as drug/alcohol abuse or undesirable personality traits.

I feel like my whole life I've dated men that needed to be "fixed", they either had a problem with drugs or alcohol, or were narcissists or depressed. I've had wonderful times with them, don't get me wrong

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Aim at dealing with NObody for at last another 6 months.

You NEED to work on your pains. mentally & emotionally damaged, you are.

 

At this time in your Life, you have NOTHING to give. You're not ready to move on.. again.. are you?

 

The more time you give it, the better you'll become. Never feel you need to rush into another relationship!

 

Things take time...Stop trying to get involved.. take care of YOU.

 

(Byw.. he is not 'in love'... it's infatuation. He's going from one gal to another. that's not love!).

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When your whole life is a mess

 

The biggest way to avoid solving problems is to glom them into a giant abstraction, like your title.

 

Problem solving is best approached by breaking things down into specifics, then resolving those--one at a time.

 

You man picker is off, so start there. In order to quit picking the wrong men, I'd quit picking for a while. Gain enough distance from the problem in order to see it clearly, which you cannot do while you're enmeshed in it.

 

Work on other areas of your life to build a foundational level of confidence there. Build a new social life by clearing your address book of anyone who uses you or otherwise makes you feel lousy. Invest in exploring interests and making new friends, especially older ones who can mentor you and help you feel valued.

 

Leapfrogging from one romantic relationship to another won't clean up the key driver in you that avoids applying discretion in your choices of men. Neediness never chooses wisely, so that's the thing to address. Your friends bore you, but you settle for them because they're all you've got at the moment, but what if you took up an interest beyond them and quit the bar scene? The friends who'd be willing to do other things with you will stick around and do so--the ones who drop away aren't useful to you, anyway.

 

Once you can grow comfortable and happy living solo without 'the hunt,' you'll be in a solid place from which to allow better men to find you. The only way to date and mate on higher ground is to reach that place from the inside, out. It's a place we can't stumble into by stumbling around with friends who hold a low bar. It's a place we must grow into on our own.

 

Head high.

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