After 2 happy years, she says she needs some space

[Donald Plozha]

Hello everyone,

 

I need to talk this over and see what other people think about it because my head is almost literally exploding right now. I have a girlfriend (or so it feels at least) since more than about two years now. This is not my first girlfriend. I made my mistakes with girls before and when I met this girl, I promised myself I will make as few mistakes as possible because she is just gorgeous in every meaning of the word. I am a guy that knows how to deal with women and I am not dealing with this girl because I am desperate or cannot find any other girl. I have girls coming at me even right now, but I love this girl because of her many qualities and mostly, because of the way she makes me feel. She makes me feel loved and that is something I have been searching throughout all of my life. I treat her in the best way that I can almost all the time and she confirms that and does the same, too.

 

Yes, we do have our casual fights sometimes, but I guess every couple does and we have so few fights it sometimes seems a bit unreal to me compared to my previous relationships. However, there is one problem that has persisted throughout the whole relationship and has surfaced from time to time in different situations and that is (or at least so I think) the fact she is still so attached to her parents and still asks their permission for a lot of things. While this might be totally normal for a 19 year old girl, personally, I think people who do not somehow manage to detach a bit from their parents at around this age and start making their own decisions are "doomed" to keep doing that for the rest of their lives, one way or another. I have tried talking to her about it in a calm fashion and we disagree about it. Thing is, I would be totally OK if this didn't affect me in any way because it would be her thing and I never really wanted to tell her how to do her things, the ones that are not related to me. It does, though, affect me and our relationship because she finds it very hard to have a trip (for example) and the first thing she says when I make the invitation for a trip is "I don't know, have to talk it with my parents, don't know what to lie to them this time, etc". Plain and simple, that makes me mad because I have managed to detach from my parents in a lot of ways and take my own decisions about my life since a few good years now (I am 23) while she doesn't even look close to doing it. In these situations when I get mad about this, I usually yell at her (probably the wrong thing to do, but I get mad once in 6 months, am a human being as well). We were having the same conversation last night, I don't even know how it popped up but probably from my invitation to make a trip to a nearby small and nice town and her answer was the same and we were not alone, we were with another couple. I got mad, started steaming and yelling at her and since we were about to get up and leave before this started, she just got up, saluted the other couple and left. I was so mad at her I didn't even wanna salute her so she just left.

 

Now, to the main point and to my main questions. We started talking a couple minutes later in Facebook and for the first time in two years, she told me that she doesn;t know how she feels about us. Other than that, she told me that all this thing we have is a bit weird. We don't talk much throughout the day, but this is something she approved herself and now she is complaining that I don't talk to her much. Thing is, I absolutely love talking to her and I would do it more often, but because she approved this, I thought we were just leaving each other in peace to do our things. Other than that, she tells me that I am a person with plans while she is a young person and doesn't have the plans I do and is not so ready to go through with plans like I am. I mean, how can someone go from kissing you and telling you that they love to telling you they don't feel the same in LITERALLY just 3 hours ? I mean, is that even possible ?

[Hermes]

I assume this girl is still living with her parents. Yes?

 

" "I don't know, have to talk it with my parents, don't know what to lie to them this time, etc". "

[Donald Plozha]

Yes, she is.

[Hermes]

She should not lie to her parents, or be put in a position where she is, uncomfortably, obliged to do so. Have you met her parents?

 

When she moves out (detach) and has a place of her own then she can lead her life as she pleases.

 

It also is not a good idea to yell at her, or indeed at anyone...

[Donald Plozha]

I know that and I have said sorry about it. I have tried hard to make it up to her when I make my mistakes. I try hard not to snap at anyone, but sometimes I do.

[Donald Plozha]

She says she needs some space now. I mean, can someone go from kissing you and laughing at your jokes and saying they love you and showing they love you TO needing space in about 3-4 hours ?

[MissCanuck]

You should not have yelled at her, especially in front of other people. That is completely disrespectful and humiliating. You simply must learn to control yourself particularly when in public.

 

I think her desire for space has probably been coming for a while. Yes, she is 19 and legally an adult. But if she is still living under her parents' roof and is supported by them, she can't exactly do whatever she wants. If she wants more freedom, she will likely need to start supporting herself and living on her own. It's not necessarily ideal, but some families are like that.

 

Have you met her parents before? Do they have a reason not to want her around you? It seems odd that she has to lie to them repeatedly when trying to make plans with you. Could word have gotten back to them that you yelled at her in front of other people? There are a couple pieces missing from this story. Some more context might help us understand.

[Hermes]

Look Donald. She is only 19 (not 29 or 39).

 

she tells me that I am a person with plans while she is a young person and doesn't have the plans I do and is not so ready to go through with plans like I am

 

Let her live her young life, have her own experiences, get out in the world.

 

"I am a guy that knows how to deal with women "

 

Wouldn't be so sure about that, OP.......

[MissCanuck]

She says she needs some space now. I mean, can someone go from kissing you and laughing at your jokes and saying they love you and showing they love you TO needing space in about 3-4 hours ?

 

In short, if they were already having doubts, then yes. Especially at her age.

[Donald Plozha]

I should not have and I am mad at myself I did that. It was the wrong thing to do. But look, MissCanuck, she has been having all the space she needs! To let her have the space she needs, I contact her rarely and in a lot of situations, I wait for her to contact me first. Until last night, she had no problem with that whatsoever. Last night, suddenly, she tells me that we are talking too little?!

 

As far as I know, her mother knows about our relationship. I am OK with meeting her parents, but her decision is that it is not the right time to tell her dad she has a boyfriend, since her mom already knows (probably her mom talked it over with her husband, I guess). I wanted this meeting with parents to be her decision and so it has been. I do not think she talks about this with her mom or her sister, she literally avoids talking to me when they are around because she says she doesn't want to let them in into our conversations and I know she doesn't have a great relationship with either her sister, nor her mom so I greatly doubt she told either of them I yelled at her in public.

[Hermes]

So, you've been dating this young girl for over two years and you have not met her parents or she has not brought you along to meet them. Strange.

 

".......it is not the right time to tell her dad she has a boyfriend"

 

Why? would he be likely to go on a rampage or something....

[Donald Plozha]

See, the beautiful thing here, Hermes, is that me and her have been talking of leaving together for Germany and start living together there and she has been very enthusiastic about this. She agreed with this plan, she even entered a German course to start learning German and this is about the only plan me and her have both long talked about and agreed on so many things and now I am suddenly the one who is making plans while she is the young one without plans? Doesn't sound consistent, right ?

 

And I do not mean to brag when I say I know how to deal with women. All I mean is that I am not just lucky to have this girlfriend, she is with me because of my qualities and other women would want to be with me because of the same thing, that;s all.

[MissCanuck]

If she hasn't introduced you to her parents after 2 years, and is now requesting space even though she's already had space, then the writing is more or less on the wall: there's no future here. Are there some significant cultural or religious differences between you, that her parents wouldn't approve of? She is hiding you for a reason and now it sounds like she doesn't want to live that way anymore.

 

I think you should prepare for this to end.

[Donald Plozha]

So, you've been dating this young girl for over two years and you have not met her parents or she has not brought you along to meet them. Strange.

 

".......it is not the right time to tell her dad she has a boyfriend"

 

Why? would he be likely to go on a rampage or something....

 

As I said, I would want to meet her parents. It would be OK with me. It is not as easy as it sounds to meet her dad, though, because families in Albania are usually very conservative. Yes, her dad may go on a rampage if she told him she has a boyfriend. That is the ed up (in my opinion) relationship her dad has built with her and the same relationship she seems to be OK with (which amazes me!).

[Hermes]

I take it her parents are aware of this scheme to emigrate to Germany? Does she intend to pack her suitcase in the middle of the night and do the flit in the darkness. Not a good idea at all.

 

What would she work at in Germany? And you?

 

I don't know which country you are in at the moment, your/her nationality.

[Donald Plozha]

If she hasn't introduced you to her parents after 2 years, and is now requesting space even though she's already had space, then the writing is more or less on the wall: there's no future here. Are there some significant cultural or religious differences between you, that her parents wouldn't approve of? She is hiding you for a reason and now it sounds like she doesn't want to live that way anymore.

 

I think you should prepare for this to end.

 

We are both atheists. Her parents do not know she is an atheist (probably). Other than that, there are no other cultural or religious differences. I have communicated with her mom, her mom even wished me happy birthday for two years in a row.

[Hermes]

I have to agree with Ms. Canuck.

 

"I think you should prepare for this to end."

 

 

Mmmm. Even the daughters of conservative families meet (and eventually marry) men. I don't think her having a boyfriend is the problem, it is the having YOU as the boyfriend. Maybe that's what her Dad doesn't want.

 

What is her relationship with her Dad?

 

And when did she become an atheist?

[MissCanuck]

OP, I get that you are eager to meet her family. But evidently, she isn't. She has her reasons.

 

Her up and moving to Germany with you is fantasy for her. Realistically, it's not that simple. I say that as an expat living in the EU, too. Especially these days, restrictions are very tight. And she obviously isn't ready to actually do it.

 

I don't think this relationship is going to work out for you, OP. She's too young and still very attached to the family. You have every right to leave if you are not comfortable with her relationship to them. It's not working for her anymore, either.

[DancingFool]

OP she needs space from you because you are putting too much pressure on her to grow up, detach from her family and build a life with you, not to mention run away to a different country. She is too young for any of that and she is too far away from knowing what she wants or even who she is.

 

What she does know with certainty is that she doesn't like the pressure you are creating and therefore she is seeking, correctly I might add, to eliminate an over eager guy who is piling it on a it too thick for her to handle. When someone is asking for space from you it's because they don't like what you are bringing to the table anymore. Would be best that you actually step way back and do as requested, let up the pressure and leave her be.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you have no control over her and her family dynamics whether you like them or not.

 

She has every right to be as close to and respectful toward her parents as she sees fit. It's not your call.

 

Being abusive and controlling is not going to win her or any woman's heart and she was very wise to end things with you. Perhaps she finally told her family/friends about your verbal abuse and controlling behaviors.

 

Yes, after an yet another abusive tirade she can "suddenly" end things with you.

"I don't know, have to talk it with my parents, don't know what to lie to them this time, etc". I get mad about this, I usually yell at her . I got mad, started steaming and yelling at her she told me that she doesn;t know how she feels about us. she told me that all this thing we have is a bit weird. how can someone go from kissing you and telling you that they love to telling you they don't feel the same in LITERALLY just 3 hours ?

]

[DancingFool]

OP, just to give you some perspective. Different people come from different backgrounds and have different levels of tolerance and sensitivity to raised voices. I had a wonderful roommie in college. She was very nice, very quiet and in her family, people never raise voices to solve anything. She had been dating this guy for several years through college, they were planning to get married and move in shortly after graduation. Their lives were as good as set in stone. One day she came home with all her stuff from his place. In tears, but indignant and completely done with him. Why? Because he yelled at her, humiliated her and disrespected her. She dumped him just like that for it. We had a long heart to heart talk as good roomies would in a crisis and she said very firmly that she will never be with a man who has that side to him and now that she had seen it and felt it, he was gone for good. She stayed absolutely true to herself and never got back together with him despite the years dating, despite the history together and the good times, despite the wedding plans, etc. Some people really can and will go that cold on you that fast if they deem your behavior a deal breaker.

[Donald Plozha]

OP, just to give you some perspective. Different people come from different backgrounds and have different levels of tolerance and sensitivity to raised voices. I had a wonderful roommie in college. She was very nice, very quiet and in her family, people never raise voices to solve anything. She had been dating this guy for several years through college, they were planning to get married and move in shortly after graduation. Their lives were as good as set in stone. One day she came home with all her stuff from his place. In tears, but indignant and completely done with him. Why? Because he yelled at her, humiliated her and disrespected her. She dumped him just like that for it. We had a long heart to heart talk as good roomies would in a crisis and she said very firmly that she will never be with a man who has that side to him and now that she had seen it and felt it, he was gone for good. She stayed absolutely true to herself and never got back together with him despite the years dating, despite the history together and the good times, despite the wedding plans, etc. Some people really can and will go that cold on you that fast if they deem your behavior a deal breaker.

 

Thank you, really. I saw other comments on the thread and a lot of those comments are just people bashing me and crucifying me for what I did. I understand it was wrong and it is something that is partly because I saw it happen from my dad and grandpa in our family and they did it to me. Thanks for the perspective, yes, you are right, this is the case with my girl as well. She is almost never yelled at in her family, that I know, and they are quite calm people in general, except for her sister. I know she hates fights and I hate them as well so I try to deal with anything possible without fights. I have been talking to her all this time since last night and I think this is going to be fixed slowly. I love her a lot, crazily a lot. No desire to make her feel bad or threatened or anything like that. It is a problem I have and I will try hard to fix it.

[Iggy5129]

When you got together she was 17, of course she listened to her parents. She was a child.

 

Why as a 21 year old were you in a position to hang out with and date a 17 year old?? Of course she didn't tell her parents, they would have been mad that she's a child dating an adult. She knows it's wrong and so she hides it from her parents.

 

Why are you comparing her independence to yours? You're different people and in different stages of life. Can you really say that you were fully independent at age 19??

 

As far as the Germany stuff, talk is cheap. It's easy to future fake.

 

I just don't think your life stages are compatible.

[Ms Darcy]

I have a big boundary against yelling. I don't yell. At all. Everyone has a different boundary.

[Donald Plozha]

When you got together she was 17, of course she listened to her parents. She was a child.

 

Why as a 21 year old were you in a position to hang out with and date a 17 year old?? Of course she didn't tell her parents, they would have been mad that she's a child dating an adult. She knows it's wrong and so she hides it from her parents.

 

Why are you comparing her independence to yours? You're different people and in different stages of life. Can you really say that you were fully independent at age 19??

 

As far as the Germany stuff, talk is cheap. It's easy to future fake.

 

I just don't think your life stages are compatible.

 

Personally, I don't think you are a child when you are 17 and then the second you turn 18 you become an adult. It is a process that is ongoing since early adolescensehood and it is not cut with a knife agewise. We only have 4 years of difference in age, I don't think that is a drama, she is a smart girl, a funny girl, talented in more than one thing, very open minded, very easy going, all qualities I fell in love with.

 

No, I am not comparing my independence to hers at all. I am just pretending she has a bit more freedom than she currently has and I went about it the wrong way. I understand now, my ways in my mind have already changed.

 

As for the Germany stuff, I know, I am not really confident about that either since there are different problems with that whole thing, but I am trying to be positive about it.

 

And yes, I agree with you about the life stages, but I am trying hard to get past that hurdle because I really love this girl and from the way she behaves around me, I know she loves me a lot, too.