Getting ignored after hooking up - Feeling lost

[Nessa46]

I desperately need some advice. I feel like I've been internalizing my feelings and need some objective advice outside of my friends. Beware, this is going to be long.

 

So a little bit of a back story about my current situation. I've been friends with this guy for about a year, I met him through mutual friends when we all decided to join a ball hockey league. I only stuck around after two games because I generally suck at anything sport related ha. Anyways we all became super close and started hanging out regularly. He had an on and off girlfriend for a while, but I could feel a very strong chemistry between us.

 

Eventually he broke up with his girlfriend but I was still maintaining my distance because I haven't had the most decent guy in my life recently, so I didn't really put myself out there out of fear of getting hurt. Both of my mutual friends said that he would be good to hook-up with but usually doesn't function that well in relationships (hence he broke up with his girlfriend a week after she moved in with him). I was like that's cool, I'll just be his friend because we have a great time when we go out. We have the exact same sense of humor, he's into film, I'm into theatre. We sing karaoke duets together and go on hikes. I could tell there was a physical attraction as well, but I am very body conscious and struggle with self-esteem quite a bit, even though everyone says I have nothing to worry about, but that's not how it works.

 

Our mutual friend then told me that he was interested in his neighbour and he had confessed his feelings for her. I was a little let down, but nothing intimately happened between us, which I was thankful for so it was really no big deal. Apparently the girl he confessed his feelings for did not reciprocate them back and he was left hurt. I also need to mention that he's moving back home which is 16 hours away from where we all are living now, but he told our mutual friend that if he found someone worth staying here for, he'd stay.

 

Our mutual friends were getting married. He was in the wedding party and I was the MC. The night of my friend's gender neutral bachelorette, he was very touchy with me, slow dancing and what not. I still stood my ground and went home that night. At the wedding, near the end of the night, and yes alcohol was involved, we were sitting outside alone chatting and he grabbed me and kissed me. I was totally caught off guard because I really thought he wasn't into me like that. We went back to my place and ended up having sex, and trust me the sexual chemistry was there. Now keep in mind this is after he moved out of his apartment, and sold most of his things and was living at a temporary place. The guy was planning to leave in 3 weeks.

 

The weird part: In the middle of the night (I thought he was sleep talking), he was cuddling and said, "I have to be a better adult". I asked him what he meant and he said he shouldn't be leaving and he doesn't know exactly why he's leaving.

 

The next day, he came over later to my friend's house to see how I was doing and stayed for a good part of the time. He even had his hand on the small of my back and was being very sweet. When he walked me to my car and he invited me to an event on Monday with him and his friends (not our mutual friends). I was delighted and thought that this really couldn't have went any better.

 

We had some small talk back and forth over text and I didn't text him over the weekend. I was waiting for Monday to see if he would text me, which he did. We went out and had a great time and of course it led back to my place. Again, amazing sexual chemistry. I asked him why he was leaving again, he said he's never stayed in one place longer than four years and he needs to "explore himself and the world" because he's 28 and needs to do it sooner than later.

 

But then the big one: Afterwards, he was like "I'm going to leave and head home, can you drive me home?" I was mortified/ I said absolutely not, but you can look up cab numbers on your phone. He grabbed me and kissed me and said that I was amazing and that he was really into it.

 

I guess this is where I beat myself up the most. The sex was really great, and I knew he was leaving so I knew there was no point in pursuing a relationship with him. I honestly really just wanted to sleep with him again. I would invite him out occasionally but he was really busy finishing up work projects and getting ready for the move, which was fair. I then made the HUGE mistake of drunk texting him one night when his friend from Toronto was visiting (and staying with him until he goes back to Toronto) to meet up for sex. I completely got ignored, with no response in the morning either. I was mortified, because that's totally not my style. I saw him the next night because he came with our mutual friends to meet me at a party I was at. I was so embarrassed I could barely look at him. His going away dinner was in two days and he asked me if I was going. I said I'd think about it.

 

I missed the dinner but showed up an hour after for a drink, because I wanted to say my goodbye. He barely acknowledged me walking in. I wanted to burst out in tears through the entire thing, I felt like I shouldn't have went. I wanted to tell him how I felt that night, that I may have feelings even though I know he doesn't feel the same way but I feel like I have to tell him. I never got that chance. He came over and hugged me and I said, "So is this probably the last time I'm going to see you?" And he said, "Well there's still four more days". And I looked at him and said, "But this is probably the last time I'm going to see you". And he said, "Yeah probably". And went in for an extra long embrace and said "Thanks for everything".

 

I immediately got up and broke down in tears. I felt stupid to think after knowing him for all this time that something was magically going to happen, it would have happened before if it did. I felt stupid to be upset about a guy I slept with twice. I felt stupid for giving in and sleeping with someone I knew I liked when he didn't feel the same way. I was so mad at myself and still am. I feel unattractive and unwanted because what guy would turn down sex that he was apparently "super into". I also should mention that I have an anxiety disorder which I am medicated for, but situations like these induce a lot of cyclic, negative thinking for me.

 

I feel like I should be honest about my feelings even though I know the answer. I find with guys, I always try to play it "super cool" like I don't really care because I feel like that's how they want girl' to behave.

 

Help. Please.

[annie24]

Both of my mutual friends said that he would be good to hook-up with but usually doesn't function that well in relationships (hence he broke up with his girlfriend a week after she moved in with him).

 

So.... I want to revisit this statement. This is a huge red flag right here. First, 2 mutual friends both say he's not relationship material. Second, and most importantly - he breaks up with his gf a week after she moves in. Who does that?!?!? This is a guy who doesn't stick with his commitments and doesn't give them a real chance. If he didn't want to be with her, he shouldn't have moved in with her. If he and her moved in together, he should have given the relationship a real shot (at least a few months) before breaking up for good.

 

Basically, what I'm saying is that this is all about him, and not about whether if you were better at this or that, he would have stayed. That's just not who he is. You couldn't have changed this outcome. I'm glad he's moving away and now you won't have to bump into him anymore.

[annie24]

The weird part: In the middle of the night (I thought he was sleep talking), he was cuddling and said, "I have to be a better adult". I asked him what he meant and he said he shouldn't be leaving and he doesn't know exactly why he's leaving.

 

PS - I think he knows he's a crappy adult, which is why he said that.

[Nessa46]

Well apparently they had been on and off for 2 years, and they both knew it wasn't really going to work out. He was willing to stay in Halifax for his nrighbour, if she reciprocated his feelings. I'm just wondering if it is even worth me expressing my feelings. Also, why would he turn down hooking up with me again if he was SO INTO it the last time?

[annie24]

Well apparently they had been on and off for 2 years, and they both knew it wasn't really going to work out. He was willing to stay in Halifax for his nrighbour, if she reciprocated his feelings. I'm just wondering if it is even worth me expressing my feelings. Also, why would he turn down hooking up with me again if he was SO INTO it the last time?

 

If they knew it wasn't going to work out, then why did they move in together? That's my point. He's not thinking things through or acting responsibly. He was willing to stay in halifax.... for a woman he barely knew and didn't want to date him. It's a romantic notion not grounded in reality.

 

As for you.... I hope this doesn't sound harsh here... but I kind of get the sense that this was just a hookup for him and not much more. Why he didn't want it again? I don't know - just because you like pizza doesn't mean you want it every night for dinner. I don't think he was viewing you in a serious way. I don't think you should take it personally, he just sounds rather flighty and it might be a long while before he's emotionally ready for an adult relationship.

[annie24]

No, I wouldn't really bother expressing your feelings towards him. I think at most, he would say, "Thanks for sharing your feelings with me." (yes, a guy really said that to me when I told him how I felt as he was moving away! - 3 weeks AFTER I sent him that email. in the interim, silence) I mean, you can tell him if you want to, but I don't get the impression you're going to get the reaction you are hoping for.

[Nessa46]

I feel like I pushed it too far afterwards. My mutual friend also said that it might be possible that there are feelings involved on his side but because he knows that he's leaving he knows he can't get committed with anything and it may make it harder in the end.

[Nessa46]

I also feel like I tried to play it way too cool as well. I mean a drunken text isn't really saying I like you, and he took the effort to invite me out to a nice night. I feel like I always do that with guys I like, I'm never honest about my feelings. I try to act like I don't care, when I actually do.

[Naomi99]

He isn't worthy of sharing your feelings with.

Personally, you may have been a distraction for him. Maybe a rebound. He's got way too much on his plate and at 28, he sounds incredibly unstable.

I feel really bad for you; you seem very sweet and don't deserve this pain.

[annie24]

I don't think anything you could have done with this guy would have resulted in a different outcome. He seems like he's just in a head-space where he wants to move away and that's that and you being the most amazing, gorgeous, supermodel wasn't going to change that. I think it's just a case of bad timing. Don't beat yourself up. You could have been cool and laid back, or super flirty and clingy, and the outcome would be the same.

[Naomi99]

I agree with annie. And let's say you did reveal all of your feelings, and he still left? Then what? Nothing.

 

Lets's say you revealed all of your feelings and he decided to stay. Then you're stuck with an irresponsible 28 year old who doesn't have the sense to get his own Uber and asks you for a ride home after sex, wants to travel the world, never stayed put for more than four years.

 

I'd say you're the winner here. Great sex and you don't have to deal with his BS. Good riddance.

[Nessa46]

All of you are literally putting a smile on my face through the tears, I appreciate it so much.

[annie24]

glad to hear!!! just take care of yourself. go do something nice for yourself (watch a funny movie, go spend time with some friends, shopping therapy, etc...)

[SherrySher]

This guy isn't worth it. Like others have said, he hasn't been the most stable in relationships and it doesn't sound like he treats women very well. YOU dodged a bullet.

In time you will see that it wasn't you at all, but he is the one with issues and it wasn't something that was going to be fixed by anyone anytime soon.

[MissCanuck]

Do not reveal your feelings. He won't care - and I don't say that to be harsh. I say to protect you from further hurt. He's already ignored you a couple times. Spilling your heart out is an unwise follow-up! You saw and heard plenty of red flags along the way, all which indicated he was only looking for sex. As the others said, this isn't about anything you did or didn't do. It's not because he's afraid of his feelings or that you played it too cool. The reason this has happened is because he was never around for the "right" reasons. He is a known ladies' man, and he's leaving.

 

Chalk this up to experience and in time, those hurt feelings will fade. And please, heed your friends' advice next time to stay away!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately that may be why they see you as hookup rather than gf material. Be yourself rather than play games. Next time take it slow and let things unfold.

I find with guys, I always try to play it "super cool" like I don't really care because I feel like that's how they want girl' to behave.

[Nessa46]

I'm just curious because after we slept together the first time, he made concrete plans with me to meet up later in the week. If it was only a one night stand or he didn't want to see me again, would he have initiated a hangout after?

[reinventmyself]

I'm just curious because after we slept together the first time, he made concrete plans with me to meet up later in the week. If it was only a one night stand or he didn't want to see me again, would he have initiated a hangout after?

Because you're a great person and the sex was good. But because of circumstances and timing it doesn't make it a relationship.

Head high, shake it off.

Take away a lesson from this.