Kind of put my foot in my mouth, but truthful.

[Naomi99]

Went on a date with a guy last week. Two-hour dinner. Nice sociable guy. I've had better and I've had worse dates. Not really physically attracted, but at this point I'm more interested in substance and potential, not looks.

 

At the end, he said some very kind things and asked if we can go out again and I said, "Sure it would be fun to hang out. I need more friends who share whacky sense of humor," or something along those lines. His face fell. I backtracked and said, "No no no…I'm not friend-zoning you!" and he laughs and goes "It certainly sounds like you are!" And I said, "Any relationship, whether it's a friendship or romantic, at least for me, works best with finding commonality, and we barely know each other. I'm open to hanging out, though, to get to know you." And he said okay.

 

Later that night, still feeling a little sheepish, I called him and asked him if he wanted to check out the grand opening of this darling cafe in my neighborhood the next evening. He said he already had plans, but if there's anything else event-wise in the future, let him know and he'll go with me. Then he flew across the country for some seminar and I texted hope he had a safe flight...and he sent a ton photos/texts throughout the week. My last text was "Nice!" That was three days ago, I know he is back, and I never heard from him again. He is a major, major texter, almost like a teenage girl, so it's very unlike him. Also his OLD profile has been deleted as of this morning. ?????

 

I like dating, but seriously this is ridiculous. I was upfront and honest and do not deserve to be ghosted.

 

Comments are appreciated.

[SkellyWoozle]

From what you've written above I wouldn't say you put your foot in it.... unless you really do only see him as friendship material. I think HE was the one who took your comments out of context..... Howabout you text him one more time and ask him to meet up and if he says no then maybe he's not the one for you.... And there's nothing wrong with what you said, btw - start as friends and see how it goes, eh?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately even a great first meet, the vast majority just kind of poof into thin air. A lot of people are multi-dating and meeting others along the way.

 

After one meet, he doesn't have to explain anything because being vague and not communicating or asking you out pretty much is the answer.

 

Also he left the ball in your court 99;6660533] He said he already had plans, but if there's anything else event-wise in the future, let him know and he'll go with me.

[moodindigo91]

Well, the ball is in his court I would say. I don't think you deserve to be ghosted either as it seems like things were fine while he was on his trip, sending you multiple photos and what not. If he thought you friend zoned him then why would he have done that? However, you did seem to drop him in the friendzone... being friends first is usually a thing that happens organically, it's not something you decide on with someone you have already been on romantic dates with, so who knows. Maybe he's just confused about whether or not to pursue you any more? If a boy I was interested in said that to me, I'd probably be a bit confused, even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you said, he probably just took it out of context.

[SherrySher]

It sounds as though he lost interest for some reason. He could be multi dating? I wouldn't text again, you replied to every text of his and you were the last one to ask for another date, he knows your number and if he is still interested, a text takes two seconds.

[Naomi99]

If I reached out, it will be the third time I am initiating. First was calling him to see about the cafe thing. Second was did he arrive safely, even though he responded with basically a diary log, I still feel like ball is in his court. I guess I could reach out one more time. I have nothing better to do.

[Naomi99]

What if I sent him a link to some article about a subject we were talking about during the date, and then just leave it?

[SherrySher]

Are you okay with doing all the chasing and knowing that he's basically ignored you for three days? You have tried to let him know you ARE interested. It was one comment and if he has backed off due to that, he couldn't have been that interested?

[Wiseman2]

No. Do not send nonsense chitchat friendzone texts. Try not to backpedal this much.

 

In his mind he left at "if there's anything else event-wise in the future, let him know and he'll go with me".

 

So either follow up on his offer and specifically invite him to something or leave him alone.

What if I sent him a link to some article about a subject we were talking about during the date, and then just leave it?

[katrina1980]

 

Later that night, still feeling a little sheepish, I called him and asked him if he wanted to check out the grand opening of this darling cafe in my neighborhood the next evening.

 

He said he already had plans, but if there's anything else event-wise in the future, let him know and he'll go with me.

 

Hmmm, this almost sounds like HE was friendzoning YOU. I mean, "let me know and I'll go with you"? Gee thanks!! Grrrr..... lol

 

This doesn't sound like something a man who had romantic interest would say. Not from what I have experienced anyway.

 

Unless he believes you were friendzoning him, and he's playing for t_t for tat which would be kinda silly.

 

I like dating, but seriously this is ridiculous. I was upfront and honest and do not deserve to be ghosted.

 

 

When a guy doesn't contact you after only one date, that doesn't constitute ghosting.

 

It just means after meeting you and chatting with you a bit through texting or whatevs, he has chosen not to pursue.

 

No explanation needed. His silence says more than anything he could ever say in words.... which would most likely be BS anyway so as to spare your feelings.

 

But hey maybe he will contact you later, like in a few days.

 

I wouldn't be stressing about it or getting worked up (not that you are..

 

Just live your life like always, date other guys and if he calls, great, if not, then so bit it. It was only one date Naomi.

 

No more texts though, not even fun, cutesy texts.

 

If he's interested, he will contact you.

[Gary Snyder]

Yeah, the dreaded "friends" word, lol. Nice attempt at a save, but the damage may have been done? I appreciate you trying to be honest, honesty is important. However, you are mistaking openness for honesty. It's better to save that stuff for the counselor or your diary. It's called TMI.

 

But why worry? You said you were not attracted? There's plenty of fish in the sea, and you only need one

 

Edit: Don't continue to text a guy who does not reply within 24

[Ms Darcy]

Girl: I am not all that attracted to you but I want attention. Maybe the attention will win me over.

Guy: OK - I guess I'll give you some attention. But really I want to bang you. So, I'm not excited about being in the friend zone.

Girl: You are not in the FRIENDzone. You are in the zone where you may be a Friend OR more. See the difference?

Guy: No.

 

... That's what I get from your interaction.

[Naomi99]

Are you okay with doing all the chasing and knowing that he's basically ignored you for three days? You have tried to let him know you ARE interested. It was one comment and if he has backed off due to that, he couldn't have been that interested?

 

No, I'm not okay with chasing. In fact, it was a shocker I even called him that same night asking to go to that cafe openng because 1) I hate talking on the phone. 2) I rarely initiate contact 3) I never ever ever ask for the second date.

 

I just felt horrible for hurting his feelings so I was tying to make up for it.

 

Also I am wondering if he thinks I'm the one who backed off because I don't text him nearly as much as he texts me; although i was the last one to text. Over the course of one week, I would say this is our ratio:

Him: 2,500 words and 25 photos.

Me: 1,000 words and 3 photos.

 

Now complete silence.

[Naomi99]

Girl: I am not all that attracted to you but I want attention. Maybe the attention will win me over.

Guy: OK - I guess I'll give you some attention. But really I want to bang you. So, I'm not excited about being in the friend zone.

Girl: You are not in the FRIENDzone. You are in the zone where you may be a Friend OR more. See the difference?

Guy: No.

 

... That's what I get from your interaction.

 

 

THIS IS SPOT ON!!!

Now the question is whether to do something about it or just leave it be.

[katrina1980]

No, I'm not okay with chasing. In fact, it was a shocker I even called him that same night asking to go to that cafe openng because 1) I hate talking on the phone. 2) I rarely initiate contact 3) I never ever ever ask for the second date.

 

I just felt horrible for hurting his feelings so I was tying to make up for it.

 

Also I am wondering if he thinks I'm the one who backed off because I don't text him nearly as much as he texts me; although i was the last one to text. Over the course of one week, I would say this is our ratio:

Him: 2,500 words and 25 photos.

Me: 1,000 words and 3 photos.

 

Now complete silence.

 

For someone who had little to no attraction, you sure seem wound up over this.

 

Do you find him more appealing/intriguing now that he has backed off and doesn't seem all that interested?

 

Just curious.

[Naomi99]

Do you find him more appealing/intriguing now that he has backed off and doesn't seem all that interested?

 

yes and yes.

[SherrySher]

My thoughts exactly Katrina. You weren't all that interested OP, and it's only been one date. Is this more about the ego thing and disappointed that he's not running after you like you expected him to? I am not trying to be offensive, honestly. But it just seems you are more disappointed in him not running after you rather than genuinely being interested in him.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to treat guys as if they are pathetic and one date that was blah will devastate them for life.

 

He doesn't want pity On Top of friendzoning..

 

He has probably moved on to someone who shows more interest.

I just felt horrible for hurting his feelings so I was tying to make up for it.Now complete silence.

[ThatwasThen]

Naomi: Why do you care? It was one date and you weren't even that attracted to him. Be glad he gave you the gift of going away without you having to let him down later on. Better its done with now than then.

[katrina1980]

yes and yes.

 

Wow, interesting.

I guess there is something to be said for men using the push/pull strategy after all. Ugh.

 

To answer your earlier question, if you want something to happen, YOU will need to do the pursuing (chasing) for a bit... since he believes you friendzoned him.

 

Just find a cool event, and invite him.

 

On the date, be fun, flirty, light and breezy.

 

Good luck!

[Naomi99]

I don't know him well enough to say I am genuinely interested in him. I can say this though. I've had dates where I knew I would bang the guy 5 mins within meeting him, and I didn't feel that with him.

 

I would go out with him again, though, because our conversation/interactions had a nice fluidity and I had a pleasant time. But it seems like that opportunity is gone.

[Naomi99]

Naomi: Why do you care? It was one date and you weren't even that attracted to him. Be glad he gave you the gift of going away without you having to let him down later on. Better its one with now than then.

 

Because I'm looking for something more than raw animal attraction. I've been down that road before and it never amounts to anything. I want something with more substance, something that will grow over time, and this guy seems stable and nice with potential.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. That's how things were left.

 

Stop all the nonsense/chitchat texts and text something with meat in it like this follow-up to the rain-check he offered.

Just find a cool event, and invite him.

 

]

[katrina1980]

Because I'm looking for something more than raw animal attraction.

 

Yeah me too, but it makes for an exciting place to start!!

 

It's up to you (and him) where you want it to go from there.

 

It doesn't always have to be "just" about sex.

[Fudgie]

The way I see it, he was taken aback by the "Friends" comment. Honestly, in his shoes, I would be too. You back-tracked and tried to explain it away, but it sounds like he already thought "okay, she's probably friend-zoning me". He left the ball in your court in regards to plans. You didn't follow up again after he did this to make plans. So he wrote you off and moved on.

 

Next time, I would watch what you say. The "friends" comment is fine if you were truly friendzoning him. If you weren't meaning to do that, then do not say something like that. Also, if a man puts the ball in your court, then if you are interested, you need to follow up. Don't be surprised if he moves on if you don't after he has left with the option.

 

I think it's good that you admit, you're more intrigued now that he has pulled away and isn't interested. You are really susceptible to the pull-away guys. It is not a wonder why, from previous posts, you've gone for men who are kind of non-committal.