djkato Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 hello, 1st of all I want to excuse my spelling, not the best at english. Me n my girlfriend met over a game and after a few months I fell in love with her. She aswell and were close to being gf/bf. might change right tomorrow. The longer I know her the more sad for her I am. every night shes sad as she has depression and I dont know why. I talked to her about this and she said either "i dont know why " or "I start thinking about stuff and ..." . the next time I tryed to help her she said "I start thinking about how I hurt people, made them sad and angry, and get sad for it afterwards so I mostly cry my self to sleep. " tried to solve it by making her "love her self" more. she said that it wont work becose hate my self already so wont work". I have no idea how to solve it . Her not wanting to is one thing but Im sad bcos of it . Shes too harsh on her self and I want to change it, but dunno why. please help. thanks, djkato.
Edmund Exley Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Dont ever try to change someone. Dont try to fix anyone, and certainly dont try to save anyone. Its not your job, and you most likely aren't qualified. More importantly, the boyfriend is the last one they want telling them how to change.
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Have you ever met in person? It sounds like you are friends, but you can't fix her depression. Tell her to get help and talk to a therapist. It sounds like she wants to back away from the friendship by telling you she usually hurts people is too depressed for a relationship,etc. Lay back and stop contacting her so much and see what happens. Me n my girlfriend met over a game and after a few months I fell in love with her. tried to solve it by making her "love her self" more. ]
djkato Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 Dont ever try to change someone. Dont try to fix anyone, and certainly dont try to save anyone. Its not your job, and you most likely aren't qualified. More importantly, the boyfriend is the last one they want telling them how to change. I know I came to seek help but... Excuse me? I think that boyfriends are suppose to be always there for the girl and be the one saving... Or prove me wrong, But that's what love is about. Being there for each other at bad and good...
djkato Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 Have you ever met in person? It sounds like you are friends, but you can't fix her depression. Tell her to get help and talk to a therapist. It sounds like she wants to back away from the friendship by telling you she usually hurts people is too depressed for a relationship,etc. Lay back and stop contacting her so much and see what happens. ] Not really the case. Yes, we haven't met YET and shes the one wanting more than just friendship. Also, let's not call it depression but extreme sadness? Therapist is usually only for the worst state, and it definitely isn't that bad.. just really sad at nights.
Hermes Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 What Edmund said: "Dont ever try to change someone. Dont try to fix anyone, and certainly dont try to save anyone. Its not your job, and you most likely aren't qualified." You are not meant to be anyone's "saviour" OP. Love is definitely not about being a fixer, an enabler or a saviour. You remark that she said: "she said that it wont work becose hate my self already so wont work"." She hates herself, and you think you can cure that. she needs help, professional help to iron out her problems.
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Is this long distance? Who are you do diagnose "extreme sadness" from depression? If you care about her ask her to go to counselling to see why she is "so sad"we haven't met YET
Edmund Exley Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 I know I came to seek help but... Excuse me? I think that boyfriends are suppose to be always there for the girl and be the one saving... Or prove me wrong, But that's what love is about. Being there for each other at bad and good... That is absolutely not what love is about. Thats what therapist are for. Being there for someone and trying to change them are not mutually inclusive.
Edmund Exley Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 What Edmund said: "Dont ever try to change someone. Dont try to fix anyone, and certainly dont try to save anyone. Its not your job, and you most likely aren't qualified." You are not meant to be anyone's "saviour" OP. Love is definitely not about being a fixer, an enabler or a saviour. You remark that she said: "she said that it wont work becose hate my self already so wont work"." She hates herself, and you think you can cure that. she needs help, professional help to iron out her problems. Correct. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. Cliche, but true.
pippy longstocking Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 I know I came to seek help but... Excuse me? I think that boyfriends are suppose to be always there for the girl and be the one saving... Or prove me wrong, But that's what love is about. Being there for each other at bad and good... No darling , that is not what love is about ..NO ONE ...is here to save anyone else ...you cannot save a person from themselves . It is her responsibility to sort herself out ..to take the steps towards a healthy mind . You are not a therapist , you sound a like a very young man trying to be this girls savior and be her everything , you are putting yourself on a dangerous pedastil that is far to big for you to cope with . What you have described it not just sadness , she is carrying some heavy burdens around that are affecting her life ..a lot ...
ThatwasThen Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 I know I came to seek help but... Excuse me? I think that boyfriends are suppose to be always there for the girl and be the one saving... Or prove me wrong, But that's what love is about. Being there for each other at bad and good... You can be there to support her while she gets professional help but to try and help her yourself is just enabling her to remain in the dismal state she is now in. You cater to her dysfunction. If you love yourself you'll advise her that you're bowing out until and unless she gets the professional help she needs and then you'll ask her to call you so you can support her once she's in therapy. You CAN NOT do a thing to help her out of self-loathing and depression and trying to is likely annoying her more then it's even helping. I think you'd do well to google White Knight Syndrome and read about what it is you're in. This is not like you've been in a long term marriage where one of you fell into depression... that is when you stick around and help them while they get professional help. This is a "met over a game" thing.
limichelle Posted October 2, 2016 Posted October 2, 2016 Believe me you can't fix anybody or change anybody's mind frame even if you had been together for years. Believe me I experienced this first hand! My ex fell into a horrible state where after 7 years of being together I watched his mind rapidly decline. I tried to 'save' him by being there and taking the abuse that came from him and his family as nobody could understand such a tragic thing. I tried to change him by forcing him to try to think of every day normal things that I learned he couldn't do. Three years of doing this got me nowhere! He didn't want to change and didn't want help. So instead of drowning with him, I saved myself! I suggest you take this relationship for what it is and encourage therapy and help but don't be her life raft. Trust me you won't stay afloat long. Lisa
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