Long Engagement / Romantic Issues

[twizzler]

As of today I've been engaged to my girlfriend for 2 Years and 8 months. We've got engaged 7 months after getting together. We had known each other about 2 years before that. We talked for several months before actually dating and once we started dating we bought a house very quickly together. We were about 6 months in and purchased a house together because of circumstances where I needed to find a better place to live and so did she, so we got a great deal and bought a house together.

 

The past year has been hard, this month has been even harder, she has seemed very distant over the year, our sex life has went from multiple times a week to twice every 3 months. For the past month we've only talked several minutes a day so I decided to bring it up and I got a response I wasn't prepared for. She started crying telling me that I never wanted to hang out with her friends (I'm kind of an introvert and shy when it comes to meeting people) so I did understand that, I have been trying to work on this for months because I knew it bothered her when I wouldn't go out with friends with her. And another thing was she hates when people are bothering her about when she is getting married. Like I said we've been engaged for 2 years and 8 months and she gets upset thinking it's never going to happen. She also says people give her hell because we don't share a bank account? I don't quite understand that.

 

Here's my concerns. The sex pretty much stopped happening right after we bout the house. The passion stopped on her side, I try to kiss her and make an effort to sweep her off her feet but nothing works. She's not the best with money, she see's something in the store and wants it and she buys it. I'm very conservative with my money and I try to save as much as I can for rainy days, where I might have a coupe thousand in the bank, she might have a couple hundred. We split all bills down the middle and for months she's been behind and I've been carrying her weight trying to keep the bills caught up. So I really don't trust turning my bank account over to someone who can't keep me paid on bills. So the romance bothers me and the money thing bothers me. She's going away for a week on a vacation with her family and I have to work so I'm staying home. I figured this would give us a chance to think about each other and really assess the situation to find if we really still care that much about each other. Of course this is a no brainier to be because I still love her just as much as I did on day 1. This is more for her to assess what she wants (I mean that's not what the trip is for, it's just a good place for her to be alone and think I figured).

 

So Am I crazy about the money and sex / romance issue? I've have tried everything to get the romance back. I've trying relationship books, the love dare, apps for different things to do each day to show her how you feel. I've went outside my comfort zone to do things she likes to do, I let her get way behind on bills just to show that money doesn't matter, but still I feel like I'm not in the wrong. She brought up the marriage thing, and I understand that our engagement has been long, but I feel like I can't marry someone with this stuff hanging over my head. Any advice on an approach I could use to resolve this. Like I said I really truly love her to death, and I would be so happy to marry her and have kids and live happily every after, if I could just have a romantic relationship like before, and like I said the money thing isn't that big of a problem. I have a good job, I make double what she makes in a year, so we're not hurting for money, but I don't like the worry behind wondering if she's going to waist all my money on stupid crap.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately seems like a catch-22 She wants to get married and you have concerns about finances,etc..

 

Get some counselling to hash out these issues, particularly money management and sex. Do not get married until you have the money and affection thing sorted out

 

You won't get the romance back until you set a wedding date and realize that in marriage, things will be joint, not her money my money.

 

Be honest with yourself if you are stalling on the marriage because you are not ready to share finances as a married couple. You make double what she makes and you want her to pay half of everything?

 

Her financial approach will not change that much but counselling will help..You need to look at your own financial style as well.

we've been engaged for 2 years and 8 months and she gets upset thinking it's never going to happen.The sex pretty much stopped happening right after we bout the house. She brought up the marriage thing, and I understand that our engagement has been long, but I feel like I can't marry someone with this stuff hanging over my head. I make double what she makes in a year, so we're not hurting for money, but I don't like the worry behind wondering if she's going to waist all my money on stupid crap.

 

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[twizzler]

I appreciate the quick response.

 

I've mentioned counseling, she kinda looks at it like it's a joke and we don't need that. I can try harder to push the subject with her. I believe that deep down the two things holding me back from marriage is the romance, and the money. I'm not a sex craved maniac or anything, but I do like to express myself with physical intimacy, I would be happy with having a date every Saturday night and being romantic and maybe this weekend we have sex and maybe not, maybe next weekend, but this whole going 2 months with no sex is just crazy. I mean I'm 28 and she's 30, there's no reason for this sexless relationship. She said to me once that she didn't need physical contact in a relationship, I pointed out that, that's not how she felt when we first got together, and I told her that I understood that we've been together for a while and we will need to spice things up ever once in a while and I'm willing to do whatever to fix that.

 

The money side of it is... Well when we first got together we made exactly the same amount of money. We both worked for county government (In Law Enforcement which is terrible for marriages) well when we bought the house we said we would split everything down the middle to be fare about everything. Now I work for state government, my salary doubled and yes I do have more money but I don't really spend it. I just let it set in the bank in case something happens, and we've had things to happen like a broken lawn mower, and house repairs where if we didn't have that money we wouldn't get stuff fixed. So I mean I do let up a little on the money. I pay bills sometimes and never mention a thing to her about it because I know she struggles and I know she doesn't make as much as me, but When we were both making the same amount, I had no problems keeping up with my bills, and I honestly do not know how she doesn't have more money that she does. I don't know what she spends it on. So yes I am afraid to turn her loose on my bank account. I'm afraid if we join accounts then I'm going to get drained and then we will have a situation where we need something fixed and have no money.

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately seems like a catch-22 She wants to get married and you have concerns about finances,etc..

 

Get some counselling to hash out these issues, particularly money management and sex. Do not get married until you have the money and affection thing sorted out

 

...................

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's a stand-off that only someone knowledgeable and neutral such as a therapist can resolve. You are both very camped in your corners. Get a prenup is you are paranoid about her money habits.

 

Her "clock" is ticking so she may be thinking of leaving and feel jerked around, so yeah, the affection will dwindle because you've got the relationship on pause. Her family will probably convince her to end it because it's not going anywhere.

I believe that deep down the two things holding me back from marriage is the romance, and the money. I mean I'm 28 and she's 30.

[annie24]

I second the idea of going to a counselor. You shouldn't get married until you two resolve some of these major issues (money and sex). Hopefully she will agree to go to a couples' counselor with you, perhaps also a personal financial officer. So you two can talk about setting up a budget, goals, savings, and how much money gets to go towards fun purchases.

[catfeeder]

You say you're splitting bills down the middle; do you both earn the same amount?

 

If not, then 50/50 makes no sense. The best money resolution I've heard is to set up 3 accounts; His, Hers, and Ours. The Ours covers all shared expenses and investments. Each contributes to that account every month proportionately based on income. So if you earn 25% more than her, you'd pay 25% more to the Ours account. Anything left over after that account is paid every month is yours to save or spend as you wish.

 

So if she earns the same or MORE than you and still doesn't contribute her share, then you have a problem. If she earns less, reduce her contribution proportionately but include shared savings and investments into that total. Then her spending of her own leftover money is no longer a concern for you.

 

That said, it may be too late for this. You can discuss it with her and let her know that if it works out after X months, you'd like to marry. Either she'll be up for that or not, but if not, isn't that something you'll want to know sooner rather than later?

[Quidam]

You say you're splitting bills down the middle; do you both earn the same amount?

 

If not, then 50/50 makes no sense. The best money resolution I've heard is to set up 3 accounts; His, Hers, and Ours. The Ours covers all shared expenses and investments. Each contributes to that account every month proportionately based on income. So if you earn 25% more than her, you'd pay 25% more to the Ours account. Anything left over after that account is paid every month is yours to save or spend as you wish.

 

So if she earns the same or MORE than you and still doesn't contribute her share, then you have a problem. If she earns less, reduce her contribution proportionately but include shared savings and investments into that total. Then her spending of her own leftover money is no longer a concern for you.

 

That said, it may be too late for this. You can discuss it with her and let her know that if it works out after X months, you'd like to marry. Either she'll be up for that or not, but if not, isn't that something you'll want to know sooner rather than later?

 

This is exactly what I think!

[Ms Darcy]

For me personally, I think 50/50 makes sense for now. (It might not make sense if only one of you is the primary breadwinner and the other is raising the kids for example.)

 

Whether or not you make 25% more than her or not. Trust me, if you made 25% LESS than her and suggested that she pay a larger percentage, that would NOT go over well.

 

It seems like you are paying more not because you make so much more. Rather, it's because you save more than she does and have more available in reserve.

 

Ultimately, I think you guys got engaged too soon. You got engaged while in the honeymoon phase and what you are seeing now is more what married life would look like. Honestly, if she's not willing to get therapy, I don't think you should marry her. Marriage only facilitates this stuff getting worse, not better.

[twizzler]

We've been talking about the money and sex. The money thing I can some what see, if we were married then all our money would go into one account and the bills would be paid first, so I kind of re did the bills so they more reflect my wages vs her wages. What I'm going to try is us both putting 60% of our salary in one account and that will cover our bills. Of course I will be paying more than usual but it balances out where I pay more and she pays less because she makes less.

 

After discussing sex with her she made some comments about sex. She said there were times when she would try to initiate sex and I didn't pick up on it. She is like a closed book when it comes to sex, she never says yes or no, it usually starts out with a back rub and I'm never given any indication to if it needs to progress to more or not. She made a comment about me needing to be more assertive when it comes to sex, I guess instead of hinting around about it just try to go for it, but then again I don't like to just go for it because I'm afraid that it will insult her by just grabbing at her, and will make her mad. She's very self conscious about her body and I don't want to just treat her like a piece of meat. The other night I started out with rubbing her back and got a little forceful with her which ended with us having sex. But last night I tried to initiate sex and nothing happened. I wasn't assertive about it because I couldn't tell if she was tired and didn't want to fool around or not. Any suggestions on how we can start being more upfront about what's going to happen when we get into bed? I don't wanna be like a robot and have a schedule for sex, but being spontaneous isn't getting me anywhere either.

 

Other than that I think the reason our relationship has changed recently is because of a new friend she has. Me and her don't really have many friends that we go out with. She made a new friend that is very outgoing, drinks, her and her husband both drink and go to parties and all that, and me and my girlfriend do not do those things. But she has been hanging out with the woman every day for months now and I'm starting to think this woman is rubbing off on her. I'm getting to where I'm jealous of this woman because she spends more time with my girlfriend than I do, and at the same time I feel as if this woman doesn't like me and is trying to get my girlfriend to leave me. This has happened to me in the past (New friend comes into the picture, convinces my girlfriend that I'm no fun, starts showing her all the fun things she does, my girlfriend ends up leaving based on what the friend tells her), and I don't want this to happen again. I'm going out more with my girlfriend and getting out of my comfort zone on things I like to do. Of course I'm doing this stuff to show that I'm trying to open up and change a little for her, but then I still get the feeling that whatever I do isn't good enough and that sometimes it's just a lost cause.

 

 

 

You say you're splitting bills down the middle; do you both earn the same amount?

 

If not, then 50/50 makes no sense. The best money resolution I've heard is to set up 3 accounts; His, Hers, and Ours. The Ours covers all shared expenses and investments. Each contributes to that account every month proportionately based on income. So if you earn 25% more than her, you'd pay 25% more to the Ours account. Anything left over after that account is paid every month is yours to save or spend as you wish.

 

So if she earns the same or MORE than you and still doesn't contribute her share, then you have a problem. If she earns less, reduce her contribution proportionately but include shared savings and investments into that total. Then her spending of her own leftover money is no longer a concern for you.

 

That said, it may be too late for this. You can discuss it with her and let her know that if it works out after X months, you'd like to marry. Either she'll be up for that or not, but if not, isn't that something you'll want to know sooner rather than later?

[Hermes]

Twizzler.

 

What the hell have "people" got to do with any of your business, your finances, your possible nuptials!! Who are these people?!

 

and she gets upset thinking it's never going to happen. She also says people give her hell because we don't share a bank account?

 

The point here isn't whether you make twice what she does or one hundred times as much. She is a spendthrift and that won't change. And she sounds very immature.

 

If you do have a joint account for payment of bills and utilities do ensure you only deposit just enough money there to cover those items. Then have a separate account each as well. You have a sensible approach, which is to set some money aside for an emergency or contingency.

 

Look, T, this is not sounding good, plus her sudden

 

"our sex life has went from multiple times a week to twice every 3 months"

 

 

You are very right to be worried.

[Ms Darcy]

>>This has happened to me in the past (New friend comes into the picture, convinces my girlfriend that I'm no fun, starts showing her all the fun things she does, my girlfriend ends up leaving based on what the friend tells her), and I don't want this to happen again.

 

Women are not idiotic children. If a woman leaves you, it's because she wasn't happy with you. And talking to the friend just gave her the courage to do what she wanted to do/confirmed her own doubts.

 

I still think you haven't really listened to the advice you have gotten.