I need some sort of help... in a few areas.

[Lmbc]

It's hard to explain what I'm going through so please bare with me. Better to explain whats happened first. Growing up I grew up in not very nice environments. I even got yelled at for sneezing. There was lots of fighting between parents... physical and yelling... and views into the drinking world I'd have been happy to never see. They'd cheat all the time.... anyway. I've had two boyfriends now and all though I loved them deeply... they both admitted to finding joy in pushing me around and treating me bad. Even when I was excited about somehing I got told to shut the f up or called a c. The first one even started to get physically mean. I ended up leaving them both and telling tjem to screw them selves. Coming out of these 2 relationships I still heald some sort of hope. I was able to still talk to guys but all I've learned is how cruel and fake guys can be. I can no longer comfortably sit near a guy I may have interest in. I get stiff and can't even look them in the eye. I screw up any good opportunity I might have. Now I don't know if this is a broken ego or a lack in trust... maybe even both. But all I know is I am terrified and I am hurting more and more from it everyday. Any guy I may have interest in walks away, and any guy who has interest in me I run away from. I feel like I screw up everything I touch and must do something wrong for people to keep being so cruel towards me when all I do is help them usually. I'm left feeling like I'm really fkn annoying or something, and just not good enough in anyway. I don't know what to do. Its like im grieving but i dont even know what im grieving anymore. Any insight would be great, thank you.

[trickykid]

What appears to be going on is, you are familiar with your upbringing and are comfortable in that situation. So naturally you will attract men, like your father because its what you know.

 

You probably get like that around "normal" guys because its unfamiliar and youre not sure how to interact with them, because they dont fit the mould of what you are used too.

 

So its a mix of both self esteem and lack of trust. try get some therapy and work on those issues.