"The one" with a crazy family

[vitacoco]

What would you do if you thought you'd found "the one" only to find out that his/her family are really religious, conservative, old fashioned, and don't approve of you (without meeting you)? What if, for example, "the one" had a sibling that refused to meet you or wouldn't acknowledge you? Would you break up with them, if everything else was good?

[Seymore]

I'd been in that situation, although it was my family member that didn't approve of her and refused to speak to her. It didn't affect how I felt about her, but her inability to focus on US and her obsession with that one family member not liking her was part of what made me leave. I didn't deserve to be attacked for what another person felt.

 

If I dated a girl and one of her family members disliked me and everything was ok otherwise, I'd get over it and make it work with her.

[vitacoco]

I'd been in that situation, although it was my family member that didn't approve of her and refused to speak to her. It didn't affect how I felt about her, but her inability to focus on US and her obsession with that one family member not liking her was part of what made me leave. I didn't deserve to be attacked for what another person felt.

 

If I dated a girl and one of her family members disliked me and everything was ok otherwise, I'd get over it and make it work with her.

 

Did your family meet the girl though?

[Fudgie]

I love my boyfriend but I don't like his family. The only one I like is his younger sister.

 

His dad was a good guy from the sounds of it and died young. His mom has had 3 kids with 3 different men and has been with his step dad for decades now. However, he abused drugs and was abusive, even going to jail for some stuff and she refused to leave him. Now he is on "disability" and stays home and smokes weed all day. She works a low paying job because she got pregnant and had to drop out of school. Both smoke a ton. His mother is very pushy about marriage/babies and vocalizes this the whole time. His older brother has 2 kids with a crazy, super religious wife whom he hates, they eat fast food all the time, constantly broke because he throws away thousands on cars he doesn't need, and he binge drinks in secret and has some views I dislike. Oh, and when he met me, he made a couple grotesque sexual comments to me when my boyfriend wasn't nearby. Now my boyfriend is sure to be near me at all times when he's there.

 

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is smart, caring, mature, and very ambitious. He left home to go to a good school hours away and stayed in the city after graduation. He is very talented, good at his hospital job, and has big plans for his future, including going back to school. He treats me so well and I love our time together. He has never had any drug or alcohol problems. So he's very different from his family.

 

No one in his family has outright disliked me to my face but I know that his mother is not happy knowing that I'm not going to marry anyone anytime soon and I don't want any children. His brother has asked both of us separately I if we would consider moving down to their podunk area and I said no. His SIL speaks to me through clenched teeth. I don't know what her deal is but she's insane so it's easy to brush off. Yet she tried to pawn her kids off to me before meeting me, texting my boyfriend and asking us to babysit them for 12 hours. LOL, no.

 

I think I covered everything.

 

Honestly if he weren't so awesome, maybe I would have walked away. They live far away and we don't have to see them often at all. We will be seeing them in October and yes, I won't like it, yes, I'll grit my teeth, but I'll get through it.

 

If he lived closer to this hot mess and/or were closer to them, I'd reconsider. Luckily, he hates drama and knows that they all have kind of f__ked up their lives so he doesn't get involved.

 

I can't recommend dating someone with a nutty family unless they (the partner) themselves handles it in a very mature, respectful, but distant way. Unless you want to be around crazy all the time, that's what you have to do.

[Seymore]

Did your family meet the girl though?

 

Yes. And they all liked her until something about her got out and then a couple of them didn't like her much at all.

[Wiseman2]

This has nothing to do with your target's family being "crazy", in fact even using that contemptuous description to describe people with different values guarantees he's not "the one" and this will never get off the ground.

 

It depends how "really religious, conservative, old fashioned" you are and how well that sits with you. Have you met his family? What makes you sure they "don't approve"? It sounds more like you don't approve or respect them or care for their values.

 

You may want to reconsider this person of your thoughts as being "the one". Are you dating? For how long? Or is this an ex?

What if, for example, "the one" had a sibling that refused to meet you or wouldn't acknowledge you? Would you break up with them, if everything else was good?

...Same guy?

[vitacoco]

This has nothing to do with your target's family being "crazy", in fact even using that contemptuous description to describe people with different values guarantees he's not "the one" and this will never get off the ground.

 

It depends how "really religious, conservative, old fashioned" you are and how well that sits with you. Have you met his family? What makes you sure they "don't approve"? It sounds more like you don't approve or respect them or care for their values.

 

You may want to reconsider this person of your thoughts as being "the one". Are you dating? For how long? Or is this an ex?

...Same guy?

I absolutely have contempt for them. I never even met them but they are 100%against me for ridiculous reasons like my ethnicity and religion and the fact that I date before marriage. What's not contemptible about that?

 

I tried to let it go and push my doubts about them aside but in the end it was them that broke us up.

 

My ex even told me that if I ever did meet his sister that she likely wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge me. In the end she outright refused to meet me.

These people are evil. Of course I hate them.

[vitacoco]

It is the same ex from before. I don't want to give too many details but this isn't matter of two people from totally different races and backgrounds. We come from the same region of the world but different countries and my religious background is the same its just that my family does not practice and is more modern.

 

Honestly I can't envision a way they are NOT crazy. To me it's crazy to judge people that way. Of course they have their ideas about who he should be with but to completely be against me without meeting me and to refuse to even acknowledge mess a sure sign of a crazy, bad person.

 

Good people do not judge and treat other people like that.

 

Often the case is that hardcore families soften up once they meet you but in this case they wouldn't even do that.

 

I've been to their country and have lived in the region and the way they are is the extreme case. Not the norm. Maybe more normal in poor rural villages.

 

This has nothing to do with your target's family being "crazy", in fact even using that contemptuous description to describe people with different values guarantees he's not "the one" and this will never get off the ground.

 

It depends how "really religious, conservative, old fashioned" you are and how well that sits with you. Have you met his family? What makes you sure they "don't approve"? It sounds more like you don't approve or respect them or care for their values.

 

You may want to reconsider this person of your thoughts as being "the one". Are you dating? For how long? Or is this an ex?

...Same guy?

[Wiseman2]

That's unfortunate. But why date someone whose family and their values are in such conflict with yours?

 

Those reasons may seem ridiculous to you but many families and cultures are like that about marrying someone from the same religion/culture.

 

He broke up with you, not them.

I never even met them but they are 100%against me for ridiculous reasons like my ethnicity and religion and the fact that I date before marriage. that broke us up. These people are evil. Of course I hate them.

[vitacoco]

That's unfortunate. But why date someone whose family and their values are in such conflict with yours?

 

Those reasons may seem ridiculous to you but many families and cultures are like that about marrying someone from the same religion/culture.

 

He broke up with you, not them.

 

His family has been breeding with their cousins for generations so I think that explains a lot.

 

But you're right this is what makes me question that he's the one. He's not. Even though he is more liberal and kind than his family is, he is attached at he hip to them. A life with him would be a life with them.no thanks.

[Wiseman2]

He already broke up with you, so in fact it's a good lesson about recognizing deal beakers and obvious incompatibilities early on and cutting your losses.

he is attached at he hip to them. A life with him would be a life with them.no thanks.