Which friend should I protect you could say. Need advice!

[C90]

Here's a bit of back story. I have been friends with a girl we will call "J" since the third grade. We haven't always been close but always friends. The last few years we have have been great friends. We introduced our significant others and they became best friends. We all have lived together at one point and stayed close after each couple decided it was time to live alone with our significant others.

Here's where I need the help. About two weeks ago "J" broke up with her boyfriend. Both myself and my significant other have tried to stay neutral and so far their break up has been civil and it doesn't seem to be an issue if we see one or the other. Here's the problem, I was made aware that "J" was spending time with someone that had always been a thorn in their relationship before she ended things. I know it's not gossip considering it's the other guys mom telling people. So what do I do, what should my so do? This isn't the first time she got caught with him and last time I was her go to excuse when she went to see him. I was told after the fact. I want to talk to her about it but I don't want to be involved either. I know my so feels like he should tell his buddy but he was the one that told him the last time that something was going on and "J" was able to lie her way out of it. Now he doesn't want to hurt is best friend but at the same time feels like he should know since "J" is unsure if the break up is what she really wants. So we're both stuck. Any advice would be appreciated.

[gebaird]

Tough situation. My initial thought is that you should say nothing and let them work through stuff on their own. If you value the friendship with them both, neutrality is essential. You could talk to your friend about her behavior, but I wouldn't tell her ex-boyfriend about the other guy she's been seeing. That's a guaranteed way to permanently lose "J" as a friend. If you don't want to be close to her anymore, pull back. But don't torpedo her life.

[Wiseman2]

J can date anyone she wants now, even if it was the guy she was "friends" with before the breakup. Why bother talking to either her or her ex about it? How is that going to help him move on?

I was made aware that "J" was spending time with someone that had always been a thorn in their relationship before she ended things.

... related situation?

[Liraele]

Address it if asked directly, and tell J you won't lie for her/be her cover story. That keeps you neutral.

[nutbrownhare]

Here's a bit of back story. I have been friends with a girl we will call "J" since the third grade. We haven't always been close but always friends. The last few years we have have been great friends. We introduced our significant others and they became best friends. We all have lived together at one point and stayed close after each couple decided it was time to live alone with our significant others.

Here's where I need the help. About two weeks ago "J" broke up with her boyfriend. Both myself and my significant other have tried to stay neutral and so far their break up has been civil and it doesn't seem to be an issue if we see one or the other. Here's the problem, I was made aware that "J" was spending time with someone that had always been a thorn in their relationship before she ended things. I know it's not gossip considering it's the other guys mom telling people. So what do I do, what should my so do? This isn't the first time she got caught with him and last time I was her go to excuse when she went to see him. I was told after the fact. I want to talk to her about it but I don't want to be involved either. I know my so feels like he should tell his buddy but he was the one that told him the last time that something was going on and "J" was able to lie her way out of it. Now he doesn't want to hurt is best friend but at the same time feels like he should know since "J" is unsure if the break up is what she really wants. So we're both stuck. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Just don't get involved, unless someone wants to talk to you to "get it off their chests" and even then, make sure it gets no further. People often confide things which they feel at the moment, only to change their minds later, and it can cause all sorts of trouble if some well-meaning friend passes on the information out of context.

 

If J wants to use you as a go-to excuse, explain that you feel uncomfortable about this and don't want to go along with it. The other thing is that if they've broken up, both of them are free to date/see whoever they please and it's nobody else's business.

 

I've been in this situation recently, where friends broke up and I stayed neutral. I also told each of them that I wouldn't be passing on anything which had been told to me in confidence by the other, but I'd be there for them anyway. I'm probably the only person in town who's managed to stay friends with them both (shame as they're both lovely people!). So my advice to you is to keep out of it unless you're positively invited in - and even then, make sure you're not being sucked into a game.

 

The bottom line is, neither of you really knows what's going on between J and the "thorn", so saying anything is likely to cause unnecessary distress. Leave them to sort it out amongst themselves.

[C90]

J can date anyone she wants now, even if it was the guy she was "friends" with before the breakup. Why bother talking to either her or her ex about it? How is that going to help him move on?... related situation?

 

It's not related but the situation is similar. I actually worked my situation out. I actually took my own advice I always gave her about the "thorn".

[C90]

I am aware that either of them can date who they want and am totally OK with that. We want him to move on and be happy and that is why we haven't said anything. The problem is that she is considering whether or not the breakup was a good idea. We feel like it is something he deserves to know if she goes back. She will never tell him and that is unfair to him. He caught her once with him and the second time she lied her way out. My SO feels torn because it's his best friend. I feel torn because I know she hasn't been happy in years but cheating then ending it only to get back with him isn't fair to him. The last thing we want is for him to find out from a stranger that figured he knew already. She keeps asking me if she made the right choice, she doesn't know I know about the latest developments. I feel like trying to help her through this with the knowledge I have is impossible. So this is where we both feel stuck. Do we say something so that he has all the information before they get back together or stay quiet? Do I tell her I know and that I can help her better with all the facts? She doesn't want to tell me but the "thorn's mom" kinda let the cat out of the bag. It's hard to help her figure it out when I know about all the lies and her ex knows nothing. It's hard knowing the truth when he comes over. I feel like the bad person when he's sitting in front of me totally unaware.

[gebaird]

I feel like the bad person when he's sitting in front of me totally unaware.

 

I understand the desire to these protect people from each other, but you can't save everyone. At some point you've got to draw boundaries between "my business" and "their business." If they get back together and are totally happy and she never cheats again, well, maybe it's not ideal but they get to live their own lives and make their own choices, you know? With the knowledge you've gained you could play matchmaker or matchbreaker, but it seems like stepping into either of those roles will only lead to resentment and serious fallout. You are not the designated truth-teller for their relationship. Just be content with the role of observer and willing adviser (if they invite you into their business). Otherwise, approach this situation with curiosity and watch how it plays out. How would you want your friend to act if the roles were reversed?

[reinventmyself]

I've seen this and similar scenerioes over and over. The term 'don't shoot the messenger' hasn't been around forever for no reason.

My personal experience : The messenger takes the hit.

If asked, tell the truth.

If not, consider it not your busniess.

Besides, it's a rumor, not fact.