Codependency and lack of attraction

[Redrum42]

Gf (21) and I (24) have been together about 2.5 years. When we met I was 6 months clean after on and off serious, debilitating addiction to benzos and heroin. I was In terrible shape mentally and physically. She was raised by uncaring dad, and mom moved from USA to the middle East when she was young for a new relationship, and it's obvious she was never taught respect, love, taking care of people, etc. My parents were incredibly emotionally neglectful, but not as bad .. so GF is kind of abusive sometimes. Used to be very physically abusive, but now in meds and mostly just emotionally. I weigh 210 pure muscle at 5'10 and can bench twice her weight, but she still terrifies me.

 

So obviously codependency is an issue. However about once a month she will, out of the blue, basically say "it seems like you want to break up" even though every time I respond the same, with how much I love her etc, so it's obvious projecting. I hate being single. I hate feeling lonely. I've never had a single relationship, family, friend, gf, where I felt truly respected and reciprocated. And I'm not asking for 24/7 contact. More just like don't cheat on me and don't emotionally abuse me because of your issues.

 

Anyway recently I've gotten in amazing physical shape. Lifting weights is my new addiction. Ive always had terrible self esteem, and still have a weird relationship with body image. Some days gay guys or girls will ask if I'm an underwear model or exclaim profanities and wink while passing strangers in the street... especially if I'm wearing a tank top or something.

 

My girl... well I love her body . I love how she looks. But she's pretty chubby, and definitely not attractive in a conventional sense. The problem is she talks about other girls and guys she find attrative, but no matter how hard she tries she just doesn't get turned on by me, never has. Needless to say it really sucks and does a big number on my self worth. I have this horrible cycle of going out to clubs together, getting oggled and flirted with by strangers incessantly, making me feel desirable and whole. Then we go home and she ignores me in favor of tumblr and FB friends all night. Makes me feel so alone, like none of those people wanted me in the first place. Many people give me the "what are you doing with her?" Talk becusse of the disparity in attractiveness and charisma. Yet nobody better ever comes along.

 

 

There is a lot going on and if you've read all this, thanks. I don't want to break up with her but it seems like this Is just doomed for many reasons. I'm still not super stable though I've been clean from anything other than social alcohol and weed for almost 3 years... but emotionally I'm still very codependent and lonely and I cant stand the lonely nights thinking about the girls who used to love me.

 

I know I sound like a narcissitic but I've learned to admit I have positive features. I am darn good looking. I am an incredibly nice and giving person... to a fault, obviously. Why does no one stick around? I'm not nearly as clingy or needy as so many other people... but it's still too much I guess. I don't want hookups, I just want someone as caring and giving as I am. Seems this generation cares more about their Facebook feed than real relationships

 

So... long vent/rant... but should I do?

[moodindigo91]

I hate being single. I hate feeling lonely. I've never had a single relationship, family, friend, gf, where I felt truly respected and reciprocated.

Okay, this is all your problem, completely unrelated to your current girlfriend's attributes. It seems like you seek out destructive relationships or habits (abusive girlfriends, drug addictions). Are you in therapy or have you tried it? You are picking people who don't reciprocate (in your mind) so your picker is off or you subconsciously pick these people because you want to or think you don't deserve something better.

 

My girl... well I love her body . I love how she looks. But she's pretty chubby, and definitely not attractive in a conventional sense. The problem is she talks about other girls and guys she find attrative, but no matter how hard she tries she just doesn't get turned on by me, never has.

So you are not attracted to her and she is not attracted to you? Sounds like a recipe for a successful relationship.

 

I agree, she's projecting when she says it seems like you want to break up once a month. What she's really saying is "I want to break up but I don't want to be the one to do it, so hint hint". She's terrifyingly abusive, not attracted to you in the least despite the fact that you think you look like an underwear model, you're not attracted to her and call her chubby, etc. So... why don't you want to break up with her? Staying with someone because "no one better has come along" is a terrible idea. You both have some issues, I suggest you get yourself into therapy as soon as possible and leave this girl. You are with her for all the wrong reasons, basically just so you don't have to be alone.

 

If you have the ability to overcome addiction you ought to have the will power to overcome your fear of being single.

[ThatwasThen]

You have extremely low self worth to the point that you go out seeking validation for your muscles instead of seeking out your worth through meeting goals, deeds done and confidence in self. You stick with a woman that does not value you because your self-esteem is telling you that you only deserve someone who mistreats you. This is about you, Redrum and your own frame of mind and nothing to do with the unmotivated, unresponsive, emotionally abusive and apathetic partner that you choose to remain with.

 

Good for you for getting yourself off the heroin, now do the loving thing for yourself one more time and get some therapy to help you with your self worth and your codependency issues. Anyone who was not suffering in codependency and low self-worth would leave your girlfriend upon, if not the first instance of abuse, mistreatment, under valuing, then certainly upon the second.

 

Getting noticed for your body, as you've found, does nothing to help you with your self-esteem. Even if you don't leave her, therapy with a psychologist proficient in codependency will help you and once you're feeling true pride in self, you'll have the strength and the confidence to make good decisions romantically for yourself.

[Wiseman2]

This relationship is not helping you. It sounds like you've outgrown each other and there is no passion left. Focus on full sobriety and your mental and physical health.

I don't want to break up with her but it seems like this Is just doomed for many reasons. I'm still not super stable though I've been clean from anything other than social alcohol and weed for almost 3 years.

[dirkdaring]

You already have started one of the best things you can do, now put it on paper: Make a list of the things you like about yourself.

 

Do it.

 

Trust me, it will help. It doesn't need to be long. Just do it.

 

Sounds to me like you need to be your own best friend for a while. Force yourself to be your OWN friend, to take yourself out, to improve yourself, to be your own best company. Imagine how that would look to other people when you've built the esteem and confidence of self-love, and start working towards becoming that person. Baby steps.

 

You're better than someone who's on Tumblr and FB instead of giving you attention. Remember that. You've battled an incredible foe in addiction --- now you need to apply some of those mental principles to healing your mind, to accepting yourself as a good person and not needing someone to reinforce that, but instead only wanting someone to share it with, and the RIGHT person at that.

[Redrum42]

Thanks for all the advice guys. Lot to think about I guess.

 

Though breinoch you seem to completely misunderstand. You quoted the part where I said I love how she looks and am attracted to her... but then you say I'm not attracted to her? I'm confused. She is chubby thats a fact, does that make it impossible for her to be attractive in your mind? I find many body types attractive.

 

I wasn't implying she was all the problem. Obviously.. but I don't know if I seek these people out. If anything I think I fall for the same manipulation every time. They come to me all "the last guy was so mean and I was so nice" yet i come to find out that was just a trap that I stupidly fall for every time, as that would more or less be my story... so idk. Why can't I meet mature girls... I'm pretty far behind in a lot of aspects but so many people can't see the bigger picture or anything beyond themsleves and their obsession with social media and meaningless sex. I know there are good people why don't I see them?

 

I'm not with her to avoid loneliness, though that's probably why I've let so much stuff go. She has great qualities but of course many horrible ones. Like anyone. I guess I've waited long enough... but we live together and . Shared finances. Very complicated. I guess I'm just gonna have to get real, call her out in her breakup threats, and see where it goes. Though im a puss, and quickly back down when someone starts crying...

[Wiseman2]

As long as you are with her and live with her you aren't going to meet the mature girls you are looking for. Not all girls are like her.

Why can't I meet mature girls. I know there are good people why don't I see them?

 

we live together and . Shared finances.