I think I married a bisexual Christian woman

[Betterwithout]

Thanks for reading.

 

I am a heterosexual man who loves women in every aspect of the word. I have had about 10 relationships, 3 of those long term relationships prior to getting married.

When the "Macklemore- Same love" song was released, my then fiance expressed her feelings towards how homosexuality was wrong and against what we learn in the bible. However, I come from the firm belief that sexuality is formed at birth, or during puberty or both. "Born this way". I feel that way, because as a hetero, I never consciously made a 'choice' as to which gender I liked and it wasn't me adhering to societies conventions. I just really like women, and have 0 attraction to men.

It was upsetting that my soon-to-be-wife believes differently sexuality is a choice. I figured her religious background played a part.

Either way, for us that discussion was a difference of opinion and we moved on.

We did get married two years ago and now have a child together.

 

I have read just today about research that a lot of homophobes are in fact bisexual. Meaning they believe they made the "moral" choice to be with the opposite sex which denies their feelings they also have for the opposite sex.

I have never witnessed my wife having an urge to have sex. In bed, she is very passive, hands off and "Lays there and lets me do my thing".

I initiate 100% of the time.

Very mechanical, and I slept with some adventurous women, and for most (not all) women I brought them to orgasm mostly through oral, some for the first time. My wife has never had an orgasm, and I don't bring up the subject any more, since I think she feels inferior. Even through masturbation, she says she hasn't. Maybe low libido or a condition not yet discovered.

I love her dearly, so I can't ask her straight out like this and I don't want to upset her with this dialogue.

 

So my question is....could it be my wife is 50% +/- attracted to me, enough to have a married life and a child together, but perhaps supressing her feeling because she may be bisexual?

 

Thanks for your responses.

[abitbroken]

No. I doubt she is bisexual. And I don't think she is homophobic. Because you believe sexuality is a choice does not mean you are a homophobe. THe reason homosexuality occurs biologically or not is not fully 100% without a doubt understood, and everyone has their own concept of why it occurs, and that does not make one bigoted. Either way - a person who comes out is gay is gay whether you believe its nature or nurture or a decision.

 

I think that your problem is that you needed more talking, and you also need to spice things up as far as emotional intimacy to gain sexual intimacy. There are many men and women who are not gay who don't have a lot of sexual experience. But maybe focus on pleasing her in your sexual encounters and don't make it all about penetration.

 

Also, you married her. You know what her views are and your vows are more important than the other people out in public outside of your marriage.

[Wiseman2]

This has nothing to do with bisexual and everything to do with a low libido. The only way religion may play a role is that she is sexually repressed and thinks it's dirty or only for procreation and wifely duties.

 

It may also be a physical or psychological problem or a marital problem. Perhaps being a mother has also affected her

 

Marriage therapy would help you immensely to bring out this lack of passion and help her understand that sexual love in the context of marriage is fine.

 

Sorry but the bisexual theory to explain a frigid wife is nonsense. Start with the most logical reasons mainly your marriage is in trouble.

I have never witnessed my wife having an urge to have sex. In bed, she is very passive, hands off and "Lays there and lets me do my thing". My wife has never had an orgasm. Maybe low libido or a condition not yet discovered.

[WithLove]

I don't think your wife's lack of libido has anything to do with homosexuality.

 

Can you describe your sex life with her a little more? Has she always been like this with you (never initiates, cannot orgasm)?

[gebaird]

Beliefs about acquired vs. biological homosexuality are, as abitbroken says, subject to widely varying opinions. I think low libido is a more likely explanation than bisexuality. If I couldn't have an orgasm, sex would be a lot lower on my priority list.

 

It sounds like the bigger issue here, though, is your sexual frustration. Some guys are okay with initiating as long as the woman says yes. For others it would be a deal breaker. I recommend looking at the relationship as a whole rather than focusing on physical intimacy alone. If everything else is good, you're in a better place than many.

 

I wonder if she was sexually abused at one point in her life (maybe before she can remember) and that's why she can't orgasm. Or perhaps she was just made this way. Sort of an acquired vs. biological question of its own I wonder if a sex therapist could help (if she is willing). Sometimes anti-depressants can suppress libido.

[moodindigo91]

It sounds like you are just unhappy with your sex life and you are trying to diagnose your wife with some sort of condition because it's impossible in your mind that maybe she just doesn't like sex that much or maybe, just maybe, it's you. Saying your wife is a bisexual Christian homophobe makes absolutely no sense. In a way, I'm glad you posted your issue here before approaching your wife with the whole "I think you are a bisexual Christian homophobe who suppresses her feelings for women because the Bible is against it and projects hatred toward gay people to fit in with the standards of the Bible and society's norms, also because you don't like to have sex with me that much." I'm sure she would have been speechless.

 

You should bring this up with her in an entirely different way and call it what it actually is: sexual frustration. Try bringing it up with her from that perspective and see what happens.

[Unreasonable]

She's homophobic because she's "Christian."*

 

She's probably also a lousy lay because she's "Christian"* and has moral hangups with sex period.

 

* "Christian" is in quotes because it is not meant to paint Christians in a broad brush. Many, many religions and sects, not just Christians, and not all Christians, place tons of taboo on sexuality.

[Snny]

I am bisexual and practice Catholicism. It is against the faith, but I live in a very liberal community that "homosexuality is a sin" is hardly brought up in church. So really, don't be all like Christians/Catholics are homophobes.

 

I do not denounce people who are apart of the LGTB community. What a person chooses to do in their bedroom is none of my damn business. However I have not told my husband about my sexuality due to fear of him thinking me less OR how it would affect our relationship (i.e. pressuring me into a threesome OR think I will cheat). It can be difficult to identify yourself being bisexual while being in a monogamous relationship because the general public likes to label us as swingers.

 

So to answer your question... No this doesn't sound like she is bisexual. I STRONGLY suggest you don't ask or bring it up to her because it will cause a lot of problems. And this "research" you found is a lot of rubbishy and grotesque labeling of Christian believers.

 

I think you both need to seek a marriage counselor to help communicate sexual issues.

[Trammel]

I doubt bisexuality is the problem. I agree that therapy would help.

 

I am not trying to criticize religion in any way, but I was raised by a generally abusive, very Catholic mother. While I never actually believe the religious stuff, I found that she managed to ingrain a ton of shame into me about my body and about sex in general that took me years to get rid of. It took me a long time to learn how to orgasm and to understand my own body. She might have issues that are related to religion or completely unrelated to it.

 

I would tell her that you want to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her. There are many things she can try (either alone or with you) to learn to orgasm, if there is not an underlying physical issue.

 

I am bisexual, and I can tell you that I have had relationships with women, but I am with a man now who I expect to stay with for a long time. Because I have learned a lot about myself and we talk a lot also about sex, we have an amazing sexual relationship. I think the main issue might just be that she doesn't know her own body and has never felt comfortable enough to investigate what she wants/needs.

[Hermes]

"I figured her religious background played a part."

 

You can bet on it OP.

 

and

 

"In bed, she is very passive, hands off and "Lays there and lets me do my thing"."

 

That's the idea i.e. "the good submissive wife".

 

and:

 

"My wife has never had an orgasm,"

 

didn't you know OP that orgasms are "dirty".

 

No, she is not bi-sexual.

 

However, surely all this should have been thrashed out before you got married. Yes? You knew she was a "religious" person.

 

So, the situation needs to be addressed, and I feel that the best course of action would be to consult a therapist specializing in psychosexual matters.

 

I also agree with what Wiseman says. But unfortunately OP, your wife will also probably feel that discussing such matters with a therapist is "dirty" too...

[Betterwithout]

Wow, I must say thank you very much to all of you for your input to my post, and such a quick response!

There was some good straight up, no B.S. advice that I was hoping for.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my words. I am Christian myself (raised Catholic) and my wife has a actually helped me reconnect to the faith which helped me deal with some past issues. I also have no hangups in the LGBT community either. Love is love.

I understand that many in the community keep their sexual orientation a secret including from their spouse. I was really only guessing that she could be bisexual, and just not revealing it to me.

Much of the problems must be within myself for me to sort out (sexual frustration) and if I can't work past this, I will consider a sex therapist.

 

I like Trammels' advice "I would tell her that you want to figure out how to make sex more enjoyable for her".

Would love to hear any more advice on gently bringing up the subject of sex to her and some strategies. (I don't want her to feel inadaquate, I just want her to enjoy it and hopefully experience an orgasm someday)

As mentioned from some responses, a strict upbringing and "sex is dirty" or low-libido may be factors. How do I get around that?

[Hermes]

BetterW. The problem is not with you!. It is essentially she who needs to see a sex (or some) therapist. It's the therapist's job to (hopefully) sort out people's hangups. So that is how you will get around it...

You are not a therapist.

 

For the record OP, I was baptised Catholic, educated in an Irish convent boarding school, and no longer practising or even remotely interested in RC stuff. But I certainly do know all about the sexual repression crusades (no other word for it) and the crazy pronouncements I heard back then. "Sex is dirty" was the mantra. Fortunately, much has changed.

[ShouldOrNo]

I was raised very Christian but never was taught that sex was dirty; rather our bodies and all of the sensations God gave us were naturally beautiful gifts that are to be appreciated in the right situation i.e. Marriage. So in this day and age I waited till my wedding night to lose my virginity despite several boyfriends, 3 proposals and dating my ex-husband for 4 years. I knew I didn't have experience so I was eager to try, learn, enjoy everything with my husband who I had lusted for for years.

However, he was very boring, very uncommunicative, lacking creativity or sexual control. Instead of sex being "Thank God!" If was instead "This is it?!"

I felt cheated I had waited ... for what? I needed to learn about my wants, my needs, my husbands wants and my husbands needs. I didn't know what was possible so really could have used a guide that I thought was going to be my husband. Idk if you two were sexually active together before marriage but a sit down heart to heart about what you want (to enjoy sex with your wife and to have her enjoy sex with you) may be needed. You need to find out if she's apathetic to sex (physical/psychological reasons) or if she tunes it out (maybe abuse) or if she's just ignorant about how things could be. If she's not enjoying sex with you she's prob not going to enjoy it with others either, especially if you're making a sincere effort to please her. She married You, so I would presume she loves you. Part of loving someone is doing what you can to please them; sex is just one way to do that. I know the mind controls the body so something is off there.