I'm struggling with irrational jealousy in my relationship. Advice?

[Alexamarie125]

I apologize in advance if this is a bit long and rambling..I'm trying to get over a pretty substantial jealous streak I have. For the most part these feelings are unwarranted and my boyfriend has given me zero reason to doubt him or his loyalty.

 

Background: I've been dating my current guy for 2 years. Before him I had only two (very disappointing) real relationships and a handful of guys that I was involved with but never went anywhere. Most of these guys were players. The two relationships were both ended by me, one because he had been telling his friends that he was gonna dump me before my birthday so he didn't have to get me anything. The second one ended because I did not want to advance sexually and he did it anyway, I promptly dumped him. All in all I wasn't treated very well by any guy I had been involved with and they almost always had girls waiting on the side for them. I've always been the jealous type but it never really affected anything in my life because none of my relationships ever lasted long enough for it to. My boyfriend on the other hand has had at least 7 girlfriends, 3 of which were fairly serious at the time. A few of them did him dirty but he holds no grudges and is still friends with many of them on social media (which irks me to no end). He is not even close to the jealous type.

 

For the first year of our relationship I shoved down my feelings of jealousy, which only really led to a bit of resentment on my part. I let these thoughts like "why is he friends with his ex on fb" consume me and spiral out of control until I'm in a full blown imagined jealous rage. I was relatively good at only doing this when he wasn't around until one of his exes, who had tried on several occasions to flirt with him and had even sent him an angry dm because he ignored her when she saw him in person, tried once again to evoke a response from my boyfriend. He had always laughed it off saying that she's crazy but I was not so impressed. I was 3 drinks deep when he told me she had messaged him earlier trying to start a conversation and I couldn't hold the green monster in. Needless to say she is blocked on every form of his social media. I still feel like I was validated in feeling that way to some extent, but I definitely could have handled it better.

 

Fast forward to now another one of his exes is causing problems, though not nearly as extreme or crazy as the other girl. Though I know he has no interest in her, his politeness seems to be egging her on and I can feel myself getting worked up again. Rationally, I know (because I read all the messages she sent him) that she was not flirting and that he was certainly not either. But emotionally I'm freaking out, picturing them together (she was one of his longer relationships), checking his snapchat score to see if it went up and the silently freaking out if it has, checking all his posts to see if she liked it. I have kept most of this weird behavior hidden from him. I did let him know that them having conversations over messages made me uncomfortable. He reassured me that he did not even really like her as a person anymore and that he was just being polite and that he's with me 100%. But I can't shake the jealousy. I deal with a lot of insecurities myself as well as an anxiety disorder which I am being treated for currently. I know both of these things feed into the feelings I have.

 

Side note: the girls know he's in a relationship. It's stated on social media and is also well known throughout his friend group. Which also causes me grief because I can't imagine ever trying to go after a taken man.

 

Any tips on how to deal without making myself look like a crazed, jealous monster?

 

TL;DR: need help overcoming irrational, obsessive jealousy in my relationship, particularly pertaining to my boyfriends exes?

[gebaird]

I can see this from two angles. The first is that your boyfriend is a little more open with his exes than most girls would like. I don't think you're just being crazy; it's a legitimate concern. On your side, however, it sounds like the jealous resentment is building until you explode. There are, as you say, better ways to handle the situation. Two solutions come to mind:

 

1) Talk to your BF about blocking the exes. I don't think it's an unreasonable think to ask, although he could refuse. Explain to him that you trust him, but previous relationship experiences have left you scarred and it's something you need right now. His words are reassuring, but you'd like him to back up those words with actions and block them. All you can do is ask; don't force it if he is unwilling to change.

 

2) Work on yourself. Jealousy tends to create the outcomes it most fears. He could be the most faithful guy in the world, but if you let the green monster take over he will run from you. Read a self-help book, see a therapist, learn about codependence and how to avoid it, make sure your BF isn't your WHOLE life, speak your truth and learn healthy ways to process emotion so the resentment doesn't build up to the boiling point.

[Wiseman2]

Continue your anxiety treatment maybe talk to the therapist about obsessing over his social media with regard to these imagined threats to your relationship.

 

He seems to love the attention from them, which shows some boundary/integrity issues on his part. But most of all try not to undermine this relationship based on bad experiences in the past. How is the rest of the relationship when you are together?

he holds no grudges and is still friends with many of them on social media (which irks me to no end). emotionally I'm freaking out, picturing them together (she was one of his longer relationships), checking his snapchat score to see if it went up and the silently freaking out if it has, checking all his posts to see if she liked it. I deal with a lot of insecurities myself as well as an anxiety disorder which I am being treated for currently.

...Same guy?

[BHT4fit]

Hello! Personally, I do not think that your jealousy is all that irrational. Perhaps that is because I too am the jealous type. I've been with my wife for a total of about 10 years and I still occasionally look back at her Facebook page from 2006 before we got together to look at some of the comments her ex-boyfriend has left on her Facebook. There are also some comments on her Facebook page from that year that deal with her having sex in her apartment at her college dorm etcetera. I think it is completely normal for any man or woman to have jealous feelings when they think about what their current boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife did in previous relationships. Personally, it drives me nuts. I think that your boyfriend still communicating with his exes is not acceptable and if it bothers you you should let him know that.