partner going away for 3 weeks without really consulting me

[snicks70]

Hi everyone,

 

My partner has gone away on a holiday to Europe with his 2 kids for 3 weeks. The dates chosen supposedly suited one of the kids (she had an assignment to complete - over the 2 month Christmas break), and didn't want to go at any other time. I was invited on this holiday (my partner's offered to pay for the trip which I appreciate), but could only go over Christmas as I'm studying (it's a particularly difficult semester work-wise which he knows).

Rather than work out a plan that suits everyone (perhaps go next year), he presented me with certain dates and said 'that's when the holiday is happening'. I really appreciate the fact that he's offered a trip to me, but I feel if it's a genuine offer, at least do it at a time in which travelling is actually possible (he knows I can't travel during this semester - or that it's really difficult/ stressful, he was hoping I could squeeze it in). My relationship with the kids is good btw.

 

I've had to forfeit my ticket, as my studies are too much. He did something similar last year which ended up in me cancelling my plans in order to fit in with his 'surprise' holiday plans. We had a big talk about communication after that but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

 

I just wish he'd consider me when making plans. If he'd said outright 'I want a holiday with my kids' I'd be totally understanding (good chance for them to spend time alone with dad). It's more he doesn't consider me when working out his plans, and the effect it has on others

Any advice on how to handle this?

[j.man]

I contract with universities and thus can "only" go on vacations during winter holidays and summers. I've missed out on a few trips despite being invited. I've never looked at the invitations and thought they were insincere but rather as "in case you can swing it."

 

I've never told her she needs to consult me before she picks dates. That's up to her and her family to figure out. Just give me more than a day's notice you'll be gone a couple weeks is all I really ask. And especially if she had kids she was working out trips with, I wouldn't expect any say in the dates.

 

Only time I'd feel the need to be included in planning would be if I were expected to go or if my money was being used.

 

These trips are obviously first and foremost his time away with the kids. You're invited and I'm sure he'd love to have you, but if only a certain few dates work for all of them, that's what it's gonna be. There's no real discussion to have.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately his kids come first and he's going to plan around them, since to a single dad quality time with them is of the essence, hoping you can adjust. He invited you and offered to pay.

 

He's doing the planning and paying with his children's schedules to consider. It's like any other invitation, either you can make it or not.

 

Perhaps when the relationship is more serious such as engaged you can travel as a "family". At this point you are the gf being invited but chose not to go because "school is too stressful".

The dates chosen supposedly suited one of the kids and didn't want to go at any other time. I really appreciate the fact that he's offered a trip to me. he was hoping I could squeeze it in.

[snicks70]

Thanks for those responses.

 

Can I ask j.man - with the situation you're referring to is that a girlfriend or wife/defacto?

 

Wiseman2, it's interesting that you assumed I'm the girlfriend and that the relationship isn't that serious, because I've lived with my partner for 3 years. I can understand why you would say that though, it definitely sounds like an issue an uncommitted couple would have.

We've done many things as a family unit in the past, including going on trips together, and consider it a long term relationship which is why this is so hurtful. The kids also stay with us every second weekend (other times they're with their mum).

Should also probably mention that I'm in my 40's (as is my partner).

[jjkk]

I wouldn't make an issue of it. I completely understand being bummed out about not being able to go but he needs to see and spend time w/ his kids and if that's what works for them, that's it. Hopefully next time you'll be able to go along. I agree with j.man in that I'd only expect to be able to have a say in the dates if I was expected to go along or expected to fund the trip.

 

The only other option is...can you truly not go? Is there any possible way to take school work along and spend time doing it while he and the kids are out doing things together? That way you'll still be there and can have evenings/dinners and short excursions during the day with them and then go back to the hotel and do school work? I took a week long trip once during a semester of graduate school and I prepared by getting ahead in the coursework before we left and took my lap top and spent some time every day doing school work and then joined the activities later in the day. I had to put in a bit of catch up time when I got home also but it was doable and I didn't miss out on the trip.

[tattoobunnie]

Maybe you should have post-poned your studies, so you can travel for him for 3 weeks.

 

See how silly that sounds?

 

It's time with his kids too. Remember them? In the same rational, you can travel together with them next year instead when your studies are over.

[j.man]

Can I ask j.man - with the situation you're referring to is that a girlfriend or wife/defacto?

Coming up on three-year girlfriend. There is no such thing as "de facto," but we're a live-in couple.

 

But 3 or 10 years, I would never consider sending a message that I need to be consulted before my girlfriend set a vacation with her family... or with her friends or even just herself. She's her own woman and just because I'm her partner doesn't mean I'm entitled to have her family work around my work schedule for their family trip to Hawaii, Cancun, or Bermuda (all of which I've missed because my livelihood is highly dependent on not taking off school year).

 

Conversely, she has a hard time getting the times I get off because winter holidays and summers are very high-demand for getting time off. I go on trips with family and friends, sometimes multi-week, and I'll figure out dates with them, tell her the dates we set up and ask if she thinks she can get time off. If not, it's unfortunate but it is what it is.

 

In your position, I'd argue it's even less significant for you to have a say because this is his vacation with his kids. You, him, and the children are not a "family unit." You're his partner. They're his kids. You're not entitled to join them and if these are the dates that work for them, he shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not working around your studies.

[Wiseman2]

Yes that additional info is interesting and since you live as a family, vacationing as a family would make more sense. However he probably still caters to his kids out of "single dad guilt".

We've done many things as a family unit in the past, including going on trips together, and consider it a long term relationship which is why this is so hurtful.

[snicks70]

Thanks again for those replies.

jjkk - yep I truly can't go, my course requires 80% attendance, plus I need an internet connection which may not also be available. But thanks for your message, perhaps I'm making too much of the situation.

 

tattoobunnie - Funnily enough I actually did postpone my studies last year for his plans, he booked a holiday for me without consulting me at all, again, during my school semester (it was a surprise). We had a big talk and he promised not to pull any 'surprises' like that again, I had to withdraw from my unit, an option I don't have available at the moment.

 

j.man - it sounds like travelling at different times is a necessity with your timetables. I suppose the difference with me is that I also care for the kids, and I do consider us a family unit. I've cooked, cleaned, sewn their clothes, etc. I've always made a real effort (which does get acknowledged).

 

As I mentioned I've got absolutely no issue with my partner saying 'I want a holiday with the kids', for me it's a different issue when he says, 'I want a holiday with the kids and I really want you to come along as well', here are your dates, no discussion, I'm booking you a ticket - If it causes you all sorts of grief fitting this trip in during a difficult time, then that's your problem. This is in the context of him booking me a 3 week surprise holiday last year which coincided with my semester, he didn't consider the impact on my studies at all. I would just like a mature discussion with him, to be kept in the loop.

But again, I appreciate your response.

 

Wiseman2 - yes, guilt may be part of it. I just wish he'd talk to me about his plans (which supposedly involve me!).

[Ms Darcy]

As I mentioned I've got absolutely no issue with my partner saying 'I want a holiday with the kids', for me it's a different issue when he says, 'I want a holiday with the kids and I really want you to come along as well', here are your dates, no discussion, I'm booking you a ticket - If it causes you all sorts of grief fitting this trip in during a difficult time, then that's your problem. This is in the context of him booking me a 3 week surprise holiday last year which coincided with my semester, he didn't consider the impact on my studies at all. I would just like a mature discussion with him, to be kept in the loop.

But again, I appreciate your response.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure he sees you fitting into his life as you see yourself. You seem to see yourself as a sort of defacto wife. I think he sees you as a great gf and a bonus who does all the womanly things that makes his life nicer (taking care of his kids, cleaning, etc) but not quite up to the level of "wife." Because a wife would be consulted.

 

But that's just me.

[snicks70]

Ms Darcy - I completely agree. Normally a wife would be consulted. I think his behaviour speaks volumes about how he sees me.

[Hermes]

So, Snicks, what's it going to be for the future?

[j.man]

As I mentioned I've got absolutely no issue with my partner saying 'I want a holiday with the kids', for me it's a different issue when he says, 'I want a holiday with the kids and I really want you to come along as well', here are your dates, no discussion, I'm booking you a ticket - If it causes you all sorts of grief fitting this trip in during a difficult time, then that's your problem. This is in the context of him booking me a 3 week surprise holiday last year which coincided with my semester, he didn't consider the impact on my studies at all. I would just like a mature discussion with him, to be kept in the loop.

But again, I appreciate your response.

He's saying you're invited. There's a ticket for you if you want. If you can't go, you can't go. Now your logic is inconsistent. Before, you were complaining you didn't think his invites were sincere. How is it you're worried about your studies being impacted from an insincere invitation?

 

You're not his wife. You aren't these children's parents. You aren't a family unit. You're not entitled to go or to be consulted. You should get this whole "de facto" idea out of your head. If you don't want to or can't, you let him know you can't. Him having bought you a ticket you can't use isn't your problem. Most airlines will allow you to cancel the ticket as a credit at least in part. It's fine to be a bit jealous of not going to Europe with them, but your justification for your disappointment here has everything to do with you putting the cart before the horse.

[itsallgrand]

Do you plan holidays together as a couple without the kids?

 

I think ms Darcy has it right. You are approaching this with different expectations than him.

 

I could understand being upset if he booked and bought tickets for a planned trip for the two of you without consulting you first. But this sounds like a trip for him and his kids, and if you can make it, you are welcome to go.

[Hermes]

What Ms. Darcy said:

 

"I think he sees you as a great gf and a bonus who does all the womanly things that makes his life nicer (taking care of his kids, cleaning, etc) but not quite up to the level of "wife." Because a wife would be consulted.

"

 

Live-in home help...what is there not to like!

[snicks70]

Thanks again for the replies

j.man - I do think his invites are sincere. It has impacted on my studies, my partner knows I had a tough semester coming up, I've tried to get intermission which has been a crazy process, long story short, lots of paper work and phone calls, the whole process took 3 weeks - and was then rejected. But I appreciate your view that you don't see this as a family unit. I suppose my view is that it's a type of family unit, not a traditional one, but a type nevertheless. I also think that informing your partner about holiday plans is not only courteous, but it also allows the other to make plans. For example, I know I have to look after the house for 3 weeks (do the guy things like repairs, we had a leaking roof), I take care of payments for him while he's away (he won't have internet at times), I collect mail, and inform others about his whereabouts (we're involved in some social clubs together), so he needs to know that I'm actually available to do this.

 

itsallgrand - yes we do plan other trips without the kids together, also other trips with the kids together (except the 'surprise' one last year when he said here's a ticket for you in the middle of my study semester. I had to postpone that subject for 6 months). I think you're right in that we have different expectations.

As for spending time with the kids alone, I don't think this actually registers with him. I'm always having to say - no you guys go together to the cake shop (or wherever), the kids need to spend more time with you, he really doesn't get it. As long as he's with the kids, he's not fussed whether others are there.

 

Hermes - yes that's spot on! I'm here to look after our house, even when he's on holiday. I don't know what the future holds. But it's been so helpful getting advice here. I think I need to stop grizzling and understand that we have different expectations. It's up to me whether I can handle that. At the moment I feel I can't, I really would like to be told either - I'm going on a trip alone with the kids (that would be fine!!) or I would like to go with you and the kids - what dates work for you? If that conflicts with the kids' schedule, then lets talk about it, I don't just want to be presented with dates A lot of this is about communication for me. I would never demand (or expect) someone to just fit in with my schedule.

[abitbroken]

Once my mom and two of my siblings travelled across the country to a family wedding. My dad could not go, as it was the biggest most important thing that happened of the year at work and could not take that much time off. I could not go because I had just started college and it was the week of my very first exams. So the rest of the family went. We both could have gone if it were just the wedding in and out but going that far, it was thought it better to spend the whole week and see the sites - it was a long plane ride. In fact, I didn't travel at all while I was in school. Any possible trip was around exams, important papers, etc. and I was on a crunch schedule. Plus i was broke.

 

Because these are his kids and not yours and you are not married, its important for him to have some time with his children - especially if its hard to get all his kids together at one time. He can take trips with you when its convenient for you with you alone. Also, why not look at this as a nice peaceful break where you can spend your time in a quiet house studying and be that much more looking forward to seeing him when he returns?

[abitbroken]

Keep in mind also that his kids are growing up - if daughter is in college, this may be the last or next to last chance for them to have a trip together. My parents didn't travel much, but my aunt and uncle. When my cousins were a junior in high school and first year of college respectively, they had their last "family trip". After that, college, boyfriends and girlfriends, end of year papers, internships, etc, would take over and not make it convenient for everyone to have another one. They would want to travel with friends and not their parents or eachother anymore. Now the oldest is married and the younger cousin lives in the next state. He is taking advantage of the time while he can. There may be no next year "family trip with dad"

 

Ms Darcy - I completely agree. Normally a wife would be consulted. I think his behaviour speaks volumes about how he sees me.

 

He knows you are busy. And you are not their stepmother. Let him have a last hurrah or second to last hurrah with his kids = enjoy the peace and quiet.

[Vanishing Girl]

It sounds like maybe you're still miffed about what happened last time?

 

You say after this happened before you and him talked about it? Right?

 

He didn't do the same thing as last time because back then it truly was "surprise, be there!", and this time it sounds like he at least gave you a heads up with no expectation about whether you'd go.

 

Regardless of marriage, if you operate as a family unit normally (which it sounds like you do) and you'd like that kind of specific communication from him in future (one way or the other...whether he goes alone with kids or all of you) than I think it's ok to tell him how you feel and ask for it.

 

Another thought... he may not have wanted to word it that way because he'd prefer you go with them and was hoping you'd be able to go as you did last time. Maybe?

[snicks70]

Keep in mind also that his kids are growing up - if daughter is in college, this may be the last or next to last chance for them to have a trip together.

 

abitbroken - Thanks for the response. The kids and dad will be doing many more trips, they have family overseas. If I lived to 90 I wouldn't manage to have more O/S trips than those kids (I've been overseas once). They, and dad, are extremely well-traveled. I understand the point you make about the wedding, but there was no urgency about this trip, nothing special to attend. It really could have been delayed to a time when everyone could go.

Doing my best to enjoy the quiet. Think there'll be more of it

[snicks70]

It sounds like maybe you're still miffed about what happened last time?

 

You say after this happened before you and him talked about it? Right?

 

Another thought... he may not have wanted to word it that way because he'd prefer you go with them and was hoping you'd be able to go as you did last time. Maybe?

 

Yes, I am a bit miffed, he agreed that we'd discuss everything in future. The way it went this time was - I want to go on holidays with the kids, I'd like you to come, I've learnt my lesson last time about booking during the semester. So we'll go near Christmas. Then the kids couldn't go so it changed to my semester, but there was no discussion, it was 'here's your dates'. When I said do I get a say he said 'you've got plenty of flexibility. You could go for the first 2 weeks, or the last 2, or for one week - within those dates. He did a similar thing on a camping weekend with three kids (his and a friend). I had a lot of work and but he really wanted my to go, so he booked a ticket. I told him it was unlikely I could go, but he wanted me to squeeze it in - to fit in with his plans (he also wanted me to help look after all the kids- 'it's going to be stressful looking after 3'). But I couldn't just drop my course work.

 

Yes, I think you're right that he was hoping I'd just go along as I did on the previous trip. It's a case of 'I'm making plans when they suit me, you just have to fit into those plans like you did last time'. There was a lot of grief trying to postpone my course this semester, a lot of wasted time

[Vanishing Girl]

I don't know how the rest of your relationship is, but if this is the biggest problem between you two I'd say just stop contorting (or even trying to since it's stressful) to his plans and only go when it works (somewhat easily) for you. Maybe you not being on a couple trips will encourage him to want to include you in the planning. Or maybe not. It's his choice...his kids and their schedule.

 

It sounds like for the Christmas trip it was purely because their schedule wouldn't allow for another time. If that's the case, what do you expect him to do?

 

For the camping trip- it sounds like he was insisting you go... that happen after you and him had a talk about all this? Yeah looking after 3 kids is stressful...if he was really being pushy about wanting you to go than he should consider when it might be best for you too. I agree with you there!

[abitbroken]

Keep in mind also that his kids are growing up - if daughter is in college, this may be the last or next to last chance for them to have a trip together.

 

abitbroken - Thanks for the response. The kids and dad will be doing many more trips, they have family overseas. If I lived to 90 I wouldn't manage to have more O/S trips than those kids (I've been overseas once). They, and dad, are extremely well-traveled. I understand the point you make about the wedding, but there was no urgency about this trip, nothing special to attend. It really could have been delayed to a time when everyone could go.

Doing my best to enjoy the quiet. Think there'll be more of it

 

If a lot of family lives overseas, then I totally get why they are going overseas, especially if grandparents live overseas. If my grandma was in another country, i'd go at least twice a year if I could if not many more. This has been part of their lives since the kids were born. When you are not in school, you will travel more freely and also be able to have trips just the two of you. Its not a contest about who has been overseas the most.

[Hermes]

What Ms. Darcy said yesterday: the quid of the question

 

"Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure he sees you fitting into his life as you see yourself. You seem to see yourself as a sort of defacto wife. I think he sees you as a great gf and a bonus who does all the womanly things that makes his life nicer (taking care of his kids, cleaning, etc) but not quite up to the level of "wife." Because a wife would be consulted.

 

But that's just me."

[Wiseman2]

Agree that you should not alter what you have to do if the invites are not a joint choice.

 

Do you think he would like to have you along but the kids want one-on-one time with him? They me be clever enough to find times when it would be just them and their dad without "the gf" tagging along.

 

Do they live with you two or the mother?

It's a case of 'I'm making plans when they suit me, you just have to fit into those plans like you did last time'. There was a lot of grief trying to postpone my course this semester, a lot of wasted time