He says he is physically attracted.. But then tells me I am like a sister.

[AlexiaMarie]

So someone that's been a friend for years now and has often been there to listen and to help many times.. About 6 years ago we started to get a bit close and there seemed to be something going on. But he suddenly started seeing some other girl, who was a tall blonde who wore short short skirts all the time. He told me, "I don't want to lead you on and give you wrong impression." But the way I saw it, the other girl was just someone putting out. It seemed crappy and also I found it weird that he talked smack about how the girl was annoying and he also cared to do things with me. He continued to have a few strings of selfishness and really upset me about some other things (not following through with friendly promises), so I decided he just wasn't being a real friend and I cut him off all together. I moved and didn't talk to him for two years. Then past two years we started talking and seem to just connect in a way and we've always had a lot in common, are very similar and like all the same things. We rekindled friendship and he started being there for me. He would always be there through other relationships not working and we could carry 2-3 hour conversations.. Just caring to talk. He would always be there and have a lot of empathy and understanding. And I would listen to him. Whenever being around each other, we just click and get along so well. Things are comfortable, easy. We enjoy doing same things. He'd been best friend. So two month ago we ended up holding hands and kissing. And then we started seeing each other. We were driving back and forth an hour to visit each other and being physical and touchy/flirty. Things were a bit awkward being we had been friends for so long and it was suddenly looking at each other differently. But we were physically attracted and connected. Then he seemed to pull away. He told me I was his best friend AND he is very physically attracted to me, but just not feeling an emotional connection. But to me, that just didn't make sense or pair up. I told him it seemed like he more isn't allowing himself to emotionally connect. And that if I am best friend and he is physically attracted... I would think that is what one would want. It just didn't seem to match up with things and to me seemed like a copout. I told him I saw us being best friends and all things as stems to something that could be really great in future and if he wasn't there with me, I couldn't be his close friend anymore. He later came and told me , "you're kind of like a sister to me, and I just wasn't able to get past it." Which.. Ouch and okay. But... I don't understand how anything would get to the point it did or if I was like a sister, I wouldn't think someone would be able to be physical, cuddle, be touchy, kiss. And physical numerous times. And "you're my best friend AND I am physically attracted" and "your like a sister" really seem like two different stories. And it's just.. We seem to have everything in common and were best friends, which to me.. Are things that would make a healthy great relationship and something I want. The guy past two years has been in relationships that he says they last a month or two and then they seem to die and he just can't get past it. I've told him he needed to date girls for right reason. Because to me, I've always seen why they don't work. And it just seems like I am someone who has more in common and I am best friend, like he is more afraid. But I really don't understand and I think I just have to walk away and forget. But it just seems like bull and is so hurtful because I was forgiving about past because I thought we were both young and nobody was ready for anything more real. But I thought things were different this time and our good friendship meant a lot and started to seem like something to really appreciate and matter most. Confused!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like the friendzone and that you may just be there for each other in between other relationships. It may be best to continue dating others locally and find a guy who is sure about you.

 

Have you read the book "He's Just Not That Into You"? is may give you some tips and insight as to what's going on here.

He told me I was his best friend AND he is very physically attracted to me, but just not feeling an emotional connection. He later came and told me , "you're kind of like a sister to me, and I just wasn't able to get past it."

[gebaird]

A few possibilities come to mind:

 

1) He is hiding something from you (perhaps seeing another girl).

 

2) He is afraid of destroying the friendship that he treasures so much. All his relationships end quickly, and maybe he doesn't want to lose you a month from now like all the other girls. Perhaps his commitment issues are caused by the fact that he cares for you so much.

 

3) He knows he has some issues that show up in relationships and is keeping you at arms length to protect you.

 

4) He is attracted to you but isn't feeling "the spark"

 

Whatever the cause of his behavior, it seems like you will have a very difficult time proceeding with any kind of relationship. You can't force him into it, and he seems unwilling at the moment. So unless he suddenly has a change of heart, I think the best you can hope for is friendship. Perhaps in time the reasons for his hesitance will be revealed, or perhaps they won't. Either way, it would be a shame for you to wait for him to come around if it's never going to happen.

[reinventmyself]

He is telling you something and you are trying to argue with it.

I have guy friends who I consider best friends and are physically attractive but that certain chemistry that would be needed to make it a romantic connection isn't there. (but I don't kiss and cuddle with them)

 

In the end it doesn't matter because his mind is made up.

You aren't going to convince him otherwise.

 

In the meantime stop allowing him to have any physical contact with you.

That's not fair to you and a mixed message.

 

If you value his friendship then keep it at just that.

[AlexiaMarie]

A few possibilities come to mind:

 

1) He is hiding something from you (perhaps seeing another girl).

 

2) He is afraid of destroying the friendship that he treasures so much. All his relationships end quickly, and maybe he doesn't want to lose you a month from now like all the other girls. Perhaps his commitment issues are caused by the fact that he cares for you so much.

 

3) He knows he has some issues that show up in relationships and is keeping you at arms length to protect you.

 

4) He is attracted to you but isn't feeling "the spark"

 

Whatever the cause of his behavior, it seems like you will have a very difficult time proceeding with any kind of relationship. You can't force him into it, and he seems unwilling at the moment. So unless he suddenly has a change of heart, I think the best you can hope for is friendship. Perhaps in time the reasons for his hesitance will be revealed, or perhaps they won't. Either way, it would be a shame for you to wait for him to come around if it's never going to happen.

Thanks. In a way, I just felt like things didn't pair up. Like if someone is more like a sister... The fact that the last time we were together he really was the one being very romantical. And If things seemed awkward, you'd think someone wouldn't keep having sex and be able to feel so comfortable doing so. He also just went to a wedding with me to where I made the cake. It was something very important to me. He told me a few days before that he picked out his clothes and then he had a hair cut scheduled the next day. And then come the wedding (that was hours away) he offered to drive, helped me so much with making sure I had cake and cupcakes stored right on ice to get their safe, drove slower than slow..helped me set things up, and it seemed SO important to him that he impressed my friends. And it was sooo awesome and I told him how grateful I was. And I just felt like we make such a good team. I've also helped him do work before too. And we both are kind of perfectionist, design people. So I just thought he was so great.. Then he came and told me what he did. And I've been told before by someone he dated that "he isn't very nice in a relationship" but I kinda brushed it off thinking and seeing they just weren't good for each other. And sometimes, people really do bring out bad in each other. So I guess all of these things you say crossed my mind. Because, he really seemed to act like he was head over heals in a way. And in a way... If the whole "sister" deal was just the wrong word to use... He has come close to me in past and I've then been rode off as "just friend" and then he went for some girl who kind of was wild and was kind of skimpy, like it wasn't something serious. But that was years ago. In a way, I feel like he isn't ready and in a way.. Fact that I am best friend AND he is physically attracted..to me it feels like I am taken for granted. I guess I'm still unsure and all I can do is move on. And really, I just can't even be his friend at this time. Or definitely not his best friend. Maybe that's selfish, but I also think he takes me for granted and it just isn't okay. And I don't need to keep giving him that.. When in a way.. I feel, well I don't have patience and I don't care to be around or listen to his dating that..is sort of immature. Which I don't mean to be mean, he is a great guy and I guess that's what hurts. I am the one appreciating and seeing that he is so great, but I just get shoved off as friend. But, part of me wonders if he thinks that I do see him so great and he is afraid of showing me a different side to him.

Regardless, I am open to all possibilities and what others have said also. I think for now all I can do is move on and try to live in the moment. I don't think past two years he has been able to connect emotionally with anyone. And maybe..he just doesn't want to. I guess wondering won't do anything. I am now 30 and I know what I want, and have been through bad experiences. And I think maybe he just isn't fully to that point. So many possibilities. Or maybe I am thinking too much when flat out, he didn't feel it. But to me.. If I continued being friend.. I felt it would again come back to us getting close, and he just back off again. And I just feel like I must fully walk away.

 

Whatever the case, I must move on and maybe some day he would have a change, and maybe by that time I will find someone who treats me better and wants to hold on.

 

Thanks everyone. I wish it was easier to just keep peace with the unknown !

[AlexiaMarie]

Sorry for my one BIG paragraph way of posting. Typing on iPad isn't the best! People are so helpful on this site actually. Kind of an odd place, but nice to hear everyone's different views.