Should I think about a divorce or not?

[adriana24]

I've been married for 11 years and have a 10 yo son. These are the conditions:

 

1. Since our son born (or sometimes after i got pregnant) we've stopped having sex gradually. Like 3 months, 6 months, a year, and the last time we had sex was 4 or 5 years a go (i dont remember). I remeber the second last time we had sex, one of them made me pregnant (the pregnancy wasn't going well, it ended with a miscarriage) and another was not enjoyable and very short. All the sex we did during the last 7 years only started after i asked, he never initiated.

2. My daily routine was very busy but I always at home at 6 pm, but he often goes upstairs doing his things (works and hobbies). But now my work makes me possible to spend my time 4 days (full time, 24 hours) a week at home and 3 days at office and he works at home. Still, he spends most of his time upstairs (it is just a small room with many of his stuff, it will be uncomfortable for me to join him there). He comes down only for smoking (outside the house), eating, watching tv a while, or playing with our son. I am a solitary person as well so at first I understand, but I think something is wrong.

3. We split the bill but sometimes i have to pay his part because he has a bad money management. Plus, his work is bumpy. He had been twice unemployed (for 14 and 8 months) and next month his office will pay him per project and it will be not much. So, yeah, we have money issue.

4. He is very dirty, according to my standards. His mouth is very smelly with all those tartar on his teeth, tobacco smells, rarely brush his teeth and body odour. Honestly it makes my sex mood turns down. But still I asked for the sake of my marriage should going well.

5. We are calm and never have a fight. We love our son and he is a very good father. Our marriage is very stable outside and it is easy to pretend that i am happy. I'm not asking him about this, but i am 80% sure he will say he is happy.

6. I was marrying him because he was my college friend. We reunited and close for 5 months before married. He is kind, we can talk, we have so many mutual friends. I never had a spark with him, but i was feeling comfortable with him. I was lonely when I met him again after a bad broken heart 2 years before, i was thinking it will be safe if I marry him.

7. I'm not a saint. I've been cheating for almost 2 years with my old flame, he is single, we live far far away, we had a hot sex for a week when we met 4 months ago. My husband never touch me, I think i am not interesting anymore. But this man was complimenting every inch of my body, cuddling me and holding my hands everywhere. I think i just enjoy my feelings and honestly i less care about this man's feelings whether he feels the same or not. It could be just sex for him, I don't care.

 

For condition number 1, 2, and 4 above, i've tried to talk with him last month. I said that i need sex, i feel wasted, i want to fix this. We focus on what we do next and he said he will do everything to fix. He said he will be more aggressive and go to the dentist. Nothing happened yet. There is still no touch even only casual touch like holding hand, patting my but or just shaking my hand. He isn't going to the dentist yet (he said his money is not enough). He still spends a lot of his time upstairs.

 

My questions are:

1. I've successfully restrained about what happened in my marriage or pretended to be happy for at least 5 years and suddenly I can't stand it anymore. I'm not sure is it because my problems is really that bad or because of condition number 7 that makes me think different. I've been analysing it but I can't find any answer. Please tell me what do you think about it.

2. Is it too much if i am thinking about divorcing him? We never had a fight.

[trezeralietas]

I know that if I were you, I would get out of that situation, on all accounts. I'd end the marriage and the affair and figure out how to be alone and meet my own needs for a while. This is no way to live. Perhaps try counseling, but to me it sounds like this marriage ran it's course long ago.

[gebaird]

I never had a spark with him

 

This is a huge red flag for me. It sounds like the chemistry isn't just gone -- it was never there. That's not something you can force.

 

Make no mistake: even though you don't fight, your marriage is in crisis. In situations like this, my mantra is simple. Fix it or end it. Your efforts to fix it haven't yielded results. So end it.

 

Right now you have a marriage in name only; you're not even going through the motions. You and your husband are living in the same house, but that doesn't make you lovers. Roommates share a house, and even as a roommate he's not pulling his weight financially.

 

I guess if you want to be in the exact same place you are 10 years from now, then keep doing what you're doing. Although if he finds out about the cheating, it will probably end explosively. But if you want to experience something real, I'd get out NOW. If you are staying with him for the sake of your son, I strongly urge you to reconsider. Your son is young, but he is growing more aware every day. The example you set for him will impact his future romantic relationships. Living in a home with parents who are as disconnected as you and your husband are won't do him any favors.

[adriana24]

thank you for your advices @trezeralietas and @gebaird. I don't know how to tell him that i'm thinking about divorce. I'm afraid he will break hurted and cry (I'm serious). I'm afraid he will ask for another chance. We agreed to cut our expense starting this month, so if he goes to the dentist (this is the simplest thing he can do) he will run out money. I can pay for it but honestly its not my will. I want to see he does more effort

[trezeralietas]

Don't pay for it. If you always step in and do the work for him, you will be enabling him to stay the same and never grow in the relationship. You'll be keeping yourself locked in this unhappy relationship. You have to establish some boundaries and then enforce them, even if that means doing the hard thing like ending your marriage. Believe me, I know from experience. I just got out of a 12 year relationship (11 of them married) and I didn't properly enforce boundaries. I wanted things to change, but I would usually end of doing the things I wanted for myself and he got used to dragging his feet, knowing I'd never push the issue. I wish I'd gotten out 2 years in when our relationship was already dead.

[Lester]

You want him to clean up/fix his outside when your inside a million times worse?

Seven nullified your marriage.

 

Telling him the truth is all that's left to do.

[catfeeder]

the last time we had sex was 4 or 5 years a go

 

Yep, I'd be out of there. We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

[lostandhurt]

I read all your threads.

 

They mentioned an old crush. Is that the guy you are cheating with?

 

Having sex with someone else will not help your marriage and I think you know that. Please don't think when you divorce your husband your bf will want to have a real relationship with you. It may happen but most of the time the bf only wants you part time (sex) while your husband has you the rest of the time.

 

You married for all the wrong reasons, there is no spark, you both allowed this to continue to die a very slow death and now you are in it so far ending it seems hard.

 

I don't see any love, only two people that are roommates and are comfortable. You share a child and a place to live that is about all that binds you two.

 

Stop cheating on him and then wait a few weeks and see how you feel. I really don't see that there is a true marriage to save so divorce may be the most humane thing you can do for all 3 of you. Can you imagine what your child is learning about relationships by watching how you and your husband interact?

 

A divorce may just allow you both to live a better life...

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are living with a wonderful father for your child and roommate but not a good marriage partner. The affair is more like a band aid for this decaying marriage. Are you staying together for logistical/financial reasons or for your son or out of fear complacency?

the last time we had sex was 4 or 5 years a go. I've been cheating for almost 2 years with my old flame. Is it too much if i am thinking about divorcing him? We never had a fight.

[adriana24]

I read all your threads.

 

They mentioned an old crush. Is that the guy you are cheating with?

 

 

Yes, but it doesn't important anymore. I've been thinking that it is not my real problem. I am focusing on should i fix or divorce but it seems that i have to think more about the second option. I'm not sure yet wether i can be more happy or not if i am back single again

[adriana24]

Are you staying together for logistical/financial reasons or for your son or out of fear complacency?

 

The reasons are my kid love his father very much and i'm afraid being single and alone. I know my second reason is shallow but it is what I'm afraid of

[Jeffbobo]

The reasons are my kid love his father very much and i'm afraid being single and alone. I know my second reason is shallow but it is what I'm afraid of

 

I think it's all perspective. I don't see it as being single and alone. I see it as being single and free. Your freedom will give you the opportunity to do the things you may only have dreamed of. I see it as an opportunity that is exciting and shouldn't be squandered. A second chance, not necessarily with someone else but with yourself.

 

Your child loves his father. That's awesome. That will still be the case whether mom and dad are together or not. And I've seen in a lot of cases like this, the relationship between child and mom and/or dad grows stronger and blossoms since time with the child is at a premium; quality time over quantity. People learn to appreciate that time.

[catfeeder]

[...] The affair is more like a band aid for this decaying marriage. Are you staying together for logistical/financial reasons or for your son or out of fear complacency?

 

Right. Why would our opinions of your marriage matter to you? You're the one who needs to live with the practicality of this, not us. Your question can't be based on seeking moral views, or your affair wouldn't even be part of the landscape. So what are the barriers that you believe you face, and how can our input help you with those?

 

I would seek the advice of an attorney to learn what your options actually are, and what practical steps you'd need to take for each option. From there you can make practical decisions based on real information rather than on emotion. Then you can consider emotional aspects of your choices, but the first step is to learn what, exactly, those choices are.

[abitbroken]

1. Stop the affair

2. Go to marriage counseling.

[catfeeder]

1. Stop the affair

2. Go to marriage counseling.

 

Sure, I would stop the affair regardless of anything else, because it's clouding your judgment. NObody makes good decisions with clouded judgment.

 

I would seek legal advice before deciding whether or not I work on my marriage for several reasons. First, counseling does not 'work' for any couple unless both are fully committed to doing the work themselves--it's not a car wash that cleans up the marriage and makes it sparkly again. It's real work. Knowing this, I wouldn't waste the money and time unless I knew that I was fully in it, and my husband is, too.

 

Second, obtaining legal advice is not the same thing as pursuing divorce, it's pursuing information. If I'd take on the expense and work of counseling, I'd want to be clear that I'm doing it because I WANT to invest rather than because I feel desperate and view my husband as my financial lifeline. I'd want to learn what I don't know about the laws in my location and their potential impacts that may or may not make my life better if I went solo.

 

Third, I'd want to learn about something called a 'legal separation' and whether it would offer me some protections and advantages while both husband and I consider whether we'd prefer to invest in our marriage or live on our own. Not every couple who separates opts for divorce. Some use it as a period of learning and consideration, and eventually, a launching point to working on their marriage.

 

I would want to consider my choices free and clear of the contamination of an affair. I'd owe that to my family, and I'd owe it to myself.

[adriana24]

Thank you all, especially Jeffbobo. I'll consider about all inputs. I'm getting clearer now