Friend won't give me space for studies (need advice pls)

[eldasensei]

I've been friends with him for 11 years and feel like he is my best friend but lately I feel like he won't give me enough space for my studies.

 

The internship

This is my last internship for graduation and I need to get this done and I don't have enough time, so I am in a lot of pressure. But the beautifull thing is I feel motivated to get this done eventhough there is a lot of pressure. The only thing that I need to keep in check is my discipline. That one is tricky when there is a lot of fun stuff around me but I want to have that diploma and graduation. I worked more then a half year for this and I don't want to ruin this.

 

Situation with my friend

He had a hard time lately too I don't blame him. He's living with one parent and taking care of his parent and he just got out of a relationship. I was there for him at the time they broke off. He was also there for me in my difficult situations. But after he got out of his relationship I feel the only thing he is able to talk about is everything related to that relationship and women in general. This was even the case before his relationship, and to be honest, It's wearing me down. The moment I see him I allways get the feeling that the talks are going to be about women and relationships in a stressfull way. Every talk has been like this for several years lately and everytime he calls me I get the feeling it's going to be about some stress. After this much it feels like I could apply for a job as a therapist withouth the certifications.

 

 

 

I am now in a situation where I have 1 week the time to fix things for my internship and last few days he comes to my house unannounced and usually the talks are about the same subjects. At this point I try not to put much energy in the conversation because I get the feeling it is wearing me down and usually tell him it will be allright in general. I told him allready once that I allready gave him every advice in my bone and the only thing I can do is repeat the advice but I can't do it anymore, it drains me a lot so I tell him it's going to be allright and I try to change the subject. He was aware of this and told me that I tried to change the subject and he said it was allright. I was glad at that point. He also asked me to come over and eat dinner at his place. I told him I can't, that I only have one week to fix everything and that I am in a lot of pressure, but that I would be clad to when I am done with all of this.

 

Yesterday(two days later) he asked me through messages to come over at his place and watch a movie.

 

Him: "My name"

Him: "come to my place and lets chill."

Him: "Watch a nice movie"

 

Me: I can't chill I have to spend time for my internship

Me: I am really busy at this point

Me: This is my last chance to fix things

 

Him: Come at 22:00 to my place

Him: You will still have the whole day for your studies

 

Me: "Calling his name"

Me: "I can't" and I really mean that.

Me: "I am allready under a lot of pressure at this moment and I want to put this behind my back as soon as possible."

 

Him: "It's okay"

Him: "no stress"

Him: let me know whenever you change your mind

 

Me: "Calling his name"

Me: "It's not going to work at this moment. I told you the same thing last time when you invited me to dinner"

Me: "When I am done with this I will come over and we can eat and relax"

Me: "But first things first, I need to fix this"

 

Him: "No worries"

Him: "goodluck with your studies"

 

Now today he called me again and left a message: "What's the chance that I can come over and drink a cup of coffee at your place"

 

I did not yet respond to this because my mind is allready filled with stress of studies. I am falling behind and I don't have time for this. I allready told him this several times. I feel the problem with him is that his perseverance has no boundaries. It feels like he doesn't respect my space and only thinks of himself at this moment. He doesn't realise that this is my one last chance and I don't want to waste any time.

 

When I allready have a lot of stress this comes on top of it too.

 

Sorry for the long story. I feel like venting and I feel a lot of frustration. Maybe I am at fault with this and my perspective is screwed up.

 

 

Any advice would still be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

You handled it well. Just keep reiterating how busy you are.

Me: I can't chill I have to spend time for my internship

Me: I am really busy at this point

Me: "I can't" and I really mean that.

Me: "I am allready under a lot of pressure at this moment and I want to put this behind my back as soon as possible."

[melancholy123]

Keep telling him you are busy and then get off the phone or quit texting with him, or whatever your means of communication is. Tell him you have to go, goodbye. Be more emphatic.

[nutbrownhare]

This guy has no boundaries in this friendship. You need to set them - he's certainly not going to!

 

If you need a week, tell him that you will be available after such-and-such a date, but until then you're off limits. Then stick to it. If necessary, have a message to that effect prepared so you can just fire it off when he contacts you repeatedly. If he turns up at your home, either don't answer the door or, if you do, explain that you're not available right now, but will be happy to see him after your deadline.

 

I had a friend who was really wearing me down during his breakup - as you describe, just going over the same thing again and again with no insight - and when he phoned, I'd tell him he could have my undivided attention for five minutes and no more, as I was going to work/out/insert activity of your choice here. It all worked out fine!

[eldasensei]

You handled it well. Just keep reiterating how busy you are.

 

Thanks Wiseman2. I felt like making my postition clear. But doing this over and over feels exhausting and I am affraid he will come up with some guilt tripping to get his way in some way. Knowing him he won't do that and I am hopefully overthinking all of this.

[eldasensei]

This guy has no boundaries in this friendship. You need to set them - he's certainly not going to!

 

If you need a week, tell him that you will be available after such-and-such a date, but until then you're off limits. Then stick to it. If necessary, have a message to that effect prepared so you can just fire it off when he contacts you repeatedly. If he turns up at your home, either don't answer the door or, if you do, explain that you're not available right now, but will be happy to see him after your deadline.

 

I had a friend who was really wearing me down during his breakup - as you describe, just going over the same thing again and again with no insight - and when he phoned, I'd tell him he could have my undivided attention for five minutes and no more, as I was going to work/out/insert activity of your choice here. It all worked out fine!

 

Thanks for you advice nutbrownhare.

 

I told him that I don't have time to chill for this week because of the reasons I stated above. I told him that after 3/4 weeks I might have the time to chill and come over for some dinner. In the meantime I need every time I have left for the internship. Especially this week. I've told him this several times and repeated it. I've also gone to the extreme of turning off the doorbell =(.

[eldasensei]

Keep telling him you are busy and then get off the phone or quit texting with him, or whatever your means of communication is. Tell him you have to go, goodbye. Be more emphatic.

 

Melancholy that really is the only thing I can do right now how frustrating that might be. Last time when he came over unannounced I had to draw the line and tell him I have to go on with the studies. I can see from him he want's to stay longer and I really do feel for him but I have to draw that line.

 

When he came through that door he said: "I see that you're not glad to see me" because I wasn't enthusiastic seeing him. I feel like hes really stepping up his gear lately. It feels very forced.

[catfeeder]

Instead of just continually putting him off, pick a date on the calendar when you'll be free, and ask him if he can hold that time as your celebration day or night together. So, if he calls again before then, just remind him of that date and be sure to tell him that he's important to you, and he's the first one you'll want to celebrate with.

[Moon13]

You handled it the right way. It's not your problem that he can't understand that you can't hang out for one week. And you shouldn't have to feel bad about it either. It's only one week! I don't even see my best friends once a week, as people get busy when they get older. I think he's lonely and just wants company, but that is his problem, not yours to fix. If it comes up, all you can do is tell him he needs to find a way to feel more comfortable in his own company. Perhaps he's not keeping busy. You told him too many times that you are off limits for the week. It's time to ignore him for the rest of the week, and answer him when it's over.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, constantly giving the unheard busy signal is frustrating. I like catfeeder's suggestion of throwing him a bone now and then like giving him a specific time when you can hang out. That may get him off your case better than a total shut out.

felt like making my postition clear. But doing this over and over feels exhausting and I am affraid he will come up with some guilt tripping to get his way in some way.